Scotty, I followed Dr. Harley's advice in a radio segment to tell DS6 about OW in an age appropriate manner. OW prior to me going dark told DS6 she didn't want to marry her ex partner but she wanted to marry Sildur. I told DS 6 dad couldn't marry anyone as he was still married. DS6 had asked an earlier question about how people marry. Later that day he said to me "Dad has broken his promise, you should tell him he has broken his promise". Later he asked me if I would get married again I replied no I was married, he said "thats good you are not going to break your promise" .... out of the mouths of babes.

I requested contact details prior to going dark. As I hadn't had a response my IM sent a request, hence the fallout. Sildur's response was to cancel visit and have no further visits whilst I wanted address. I contacted lawyer immediately. Apart from any legal obligation I believe all parents have a right to know where their children are staying. Fortunately I have found address on document completed by Sildur for another matter.

I have no intention of responding to OW or feeding her narcissistic supply. I was looking for comments rather than relying on my understanding of OW behaviour. Many here have a greater knowledge than I and it helps me to understand rather than wondering why .... knowledge is power. Its easier for me to control my own actions (not waste brain space) if I have some understanding, it helps me maintain my balance of power rather than allowing OW to gain control, if this makes sense.

Noted your comments about emergency ... this is possibly my hardest challenge, it goes against "the grain" to cut off direct emergency notification ... what if they can't be contacted and I don't know DS6 is in *** .... mindset I know

Emergencies don't happen very often. The fact of the matter is that your WH and OW are abusing your number. Get that taken care of. And since you are in PB, you shouldn't have received the text from OW so you should treat it the way you would had you not received it, which is to not respond and put it out of your mind.

My DS9 was 6 at the beginning of my PB. He only wanted to speak to OW on the phone to tell her that what she did was bad. He has even given her a nickname, "Evil Princess Beep". He told me that I am allowed to say the Beep, and that it stands for female dog. I don't though, well at least not in front of the kids. What I do say though is that when you try to date someone who is married it is wrong and that she shouldn't have let my WH pursue her. She should have stepped up her boundaries. It's a life lesson to him so he doesn't become an OM himself one day. And it's not a conversation I have only had with him once.

Reading, Thanks for your reply, it really helps me to understand and move beyond the text. Its also great to know that WH loosing his control (exposure and my going dark)is starting to impact the "soulmate schmoopies" love nest. that deserves 2 icons!

I really have no desire to discuss anything with her, how on earth could talking to her "clear the air". She's elevated me without realising it, her FB PM to me after exposure was that I was "mad and childish"

I have had no contact with her I didn't want to feed her narcissistic supply or let her know she was impacting me.
I've read an article about narcissistic OW and thought I'd share:

Narcissistic OW seek to replace BW(identity theft), they are skilled at charming and conning. They want to take positive attributes of BW and destroy those. Narcissistic OW welcome communication with BW to torture or taunt BW with their "superiority" An affair will continue as long as OW feels shes has control over BW

"there is no more for you to donate towards their cause" this reconfirms the benefits of Plan B. Thanks

Karmarose, Tests we for cancer, I had a potential maglignant mole removed ... all clear though.

happy, did WH pick up DS6 this morning?

Letty, DS18, DS16 have prepaid phones, I had considered getting DS6 one so he could contact me during visits. Under normal circumstances I think he is too young, but given these are not normal circumstances, I would have peace of mind that he could contact me direct any time he needed, or even wanted to. I think this would make DS6 happier too.

All clear. How embarassing and frustrating to be labeled a cheater.

yes, it was horrible! especially in such a small community. but i'm ok with it now ;-) knowing he got a stick shoved up his hoohah helped, roflao.

Scotty, I appreciate your comments. It helps hearing from someone who has een through it.

Eldest children do not like OW and tolerate her for WH sake. They have limited contact. DS18 house sat during their visit to Oz. He saw this as an opportunity for time out. He returned home well before they returned to avoid seeing them.

DD16 tolerates her. She feels she can't say anything to Isildur as he will get angry and ignore her. This happened when she questioned some of his history rewrite and his reprioritising DD16, DS6 & DS18 for OW. She thinks if she doesn't get along with OW she won't see her father. I think she may sometimes see OW as an opportunity ... happy for OW to sometimes spend money on her. Sadly this goes against the values our children have been taught but I think she feels this is her little victory.

DS6 sees OW as someone who is nice to him. All the bribe have been used. He has said that Isildur is breaking his promise, that he has made silly choices/mistakes and they can be fixed, he should come home, we all love him and can help him.

Quote: "What I do say though is that when you try to date someone who is married it is wrong and that she shouldn't have let my WH pursue her. She should have stepped up her boundaries. It's a life lesson to him so he doesn't become an OM himself one day" I totally agree with this. They need to be educated that infidelity is wrong .... I hate though that their innocence has been taken away at such a young age though, its not a lesson they should have to be taught or experience first hand during their childhood.

Letty, no show this morning. I am gobsmacked he has sacrificied time with his son. Shows how foggy he is. When I spoke to MIL on Mother's Day and voiced my concern about Isildur's out of character behaviour and irrationality re defaulting etc she reassured me he was fine and in her opinion his mental health was fine.

DS6 is upset Isidlur has been a no show. We are planning to do something special and its his choice for dinner tonight. I said I was happy and lucky that I get to spend the weekend with him... this brought a smile to his face and I got a huge hug.

Letty, its harder in a small community, there is some benefit in living in a big city. Time does heal and at least you have your "image" to bring a smile to your face. Made me laugh! We have to find wways to keep our sanity.

My children also worry about upsetting my WH by standing up to him about OW. In my case, OW is not involved with my kids, at all. My WH lives with OW, and has since I entered PB. He sees the boys every Sunday, and every other Saturday. They sleep over when they are there Saturdays. My DS9 tells me that usually, on an overnight, he sees OW twice. She doesn't speak to him, and he generally sees her in the kitchen, or from behind, unless she is in the car with them for drop offs and pick ups. I know that my children don't like her, I don't know how I would handle it if they did, and she tried to be nice to them.

The first day that they met OW, was Christmas Day. DS9(was 6 at the time) brought home a piece of chocolate cake that OW made. He brought it into the house. He was eating it, and felt full, so he asked me if I wanted it. My response was, "I would rather eat poison and die than eat something OW made." THis was a milder reaction than the instinct I had to immediately throw it in the garbage and say that NOTHING OW had touched could come into my house.

When DS6 goes with your WH for visits, do you pack a bag for him? I wouldn't do that(and I don't). This is another potential for message passing, etc.

Scotty, I never considered using his bag for passing on messages. DS6 and I pack bag together. This started as encouragement/security as he wasn't keen on his first overnight visit.

Unfortnately PEGI (appropriate name courtesy of Logans Run)is involved in my children's lives. I cannot legally prevent this unless she is a direct threat to their physical safety.... this is one time I wished we followed US law.

I had the reverse situation ... Sildur took home my cooking to OW on Christmas night .... bet she loved that hubby taking back his wife's home made cooking .... it was delicious too, I went all out to make it an awesome day.

That's hilarious. Good for you! Personally, I would have laced it with rat poison. No idea how you handle that, happy or scotty. One thing I have thankfully not had to deal with. WH has tried to take kids around OW, even though our separation agreement forbids it. My kids are older, and have refused to go with him. Poor sweet babies. You are amazing mamas!

I'm thinking brownies laced with Ex-lax chocolate chips would just bring just enough discomfort to REALLY send a romantic night between WH and OW into the crapper.

RS, I did find it amusing he took my cooking back to her. I packaged it up and gave it to him with a smile.... all the while thinking of her "inner reaction"

To be honest its tough, my children are my world. I hate that they have been exposed to infidelity and "PEGI". It's not easy loosing control over what your children are exposed to. They have never before spent time with anyone I did not know personally. It sucks big time. I also hate that they have been exposed to the wayward behaviour. My DS16 was gutted when she realised PEGI was Sildur's priority rather the she and her brothers.

Princessmeggy thank you .... just what I needed a good laugh.

My mother suggested I should do some baking and use lots of Epsom salts (I think) and give it to her before her next body building competition.

Imagination, creativity helps keeps us sane.

Not only is packing a bag for WH a possibility for passing messages, but it fills an EN. In PB, you no longer fill ENs. THis isn't your sister, your mom, or a friend you are sending your child with, it is a PARENT. That means that the parent is responsible for everything needed while the child is in his care.

I remember, about 6 months into my PB, my WH was taking the boys on a hike. He actually told them to ask me to pack them water, sunscreen and snacks. Really? When I take my kids somewhere, I don't call him up and ask him to supply me with what I need.

On your WH's next visit with DS6, have your IM send a message that you will no longer be supplying clothes, etc for DS6.

Scotty, you certainly are the Plan B Queen. I didn't even consider packing a bag could be meeting Isildur's ENs.

it also fills one of yours. you are being the good little wifey and appreciating filling his need to have everything all set and ready to go. plus, it enables him.

have you gotten to the part in scotty's thread where she sends the kids off with full expectations that her WH must fulfill the role of father? (it took me over a week to read her whole story!)

I don't remember reading that, I'll have another look.

I hadn't considered it filling Sildur's EN, but I honestly don't view it as filling my EN. I never even considered or thought about Sildur when we were packing. I saw it as an opportunity to encourage and support DS6 spending time with his father, helping him feel comfortable about spending a night in a new house with his things he had selected.... this was my focus. It was something DS6 and I did together, he would select what he wanted to take - clothes, books, toys etc and we'd chat as the bag was being packed.

I suppose the act of packing also helped me because I had to let go. I had always valued weekends as family time and I now had to accept that weekends were no longer "family time" that every fortnight he would spend the weekend with Sildur and PEGI.