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He has hit you and you didn't file a report?
EVERY time he threatens or touches you OR your children or displays any bit of violence, the police should be called and a report filed. EVERY time. Do you realize that?
I would be pushing hard for supervised visitation if he sees the kids at all...
It doesn't sound to me like there is that much to negotiate over in terms of settling your D, except for his making it seem he is "giving" you extra by agreeing to direct deposit and this promise of extra sum of cash for you backyard, so I am not sure that I understanding this push to sign the papers before he gets pi$$ed off about PO/Plan B etc...
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RS did you ever find an IM? Is it someone who is local or an anonymous IM?
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I concur with SusieQ. Every time he exhibits dangerous or violent behavior in any way, you need to contact the police. I don't know about Utah, but in our state the police can press charges and do not even need the victim to do so. You just need to get them there to collect your statement/evidence, and then they handle it from there.
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RS did you ever find an IM? Is it someone who is local or an anonymous IM? Black_raven is her IM.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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RS did you ever find an IM? Is it someone who is local or an anonymous IM? Yes! Black Raven on here volunteered to be my IM - bless her.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Rainy, whenever you expose, your WH is gonna be spitting mad. Even if you have a PO, he'll try to break it. Whether WH and OW are together or not when you expose won't matter. They will still communicate, and OW will tell your WH that he needs to get you under control, and he will most likely threaten you with TONNES of things, no more CS, getting full custody of your kids.
You should expose, sooner rather than later.
If you have already hashed out the details for a legal separation, which was done with a lawyer's advice, and can be converted into a divorce decree, then what are you looking for here? Your WH will toss you crumbs to get you to do what he wants, and in the time he wants them.
My suggestion is to expose, get yourself into PB, let the storm rage around you, and when the dust settles, you can decide what you would like to do.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I think she plans to wait until at least after tonight's party for her daughter to do so.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Still say expose without the PO? Or while OW who pushes him to psychotic rages at me and his kids is here to push his buttons? Or wait til he's been served? Which could be tomorrow, but not guaranteed. Yes, expose the affair, rainy. Don't wait any longer, don't put it off any more. Hopefully you realize now that your reasons for not calling the police were bad reasons.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Still say expose without the PO? Or while OW who pushes him to psychotic rages at me and his kids is here to push his buttons? Or wait til he's been served? Which could be tomorrow, but not guaranteed. Yes, expose the affair, rainy. Don't wait any longer, don't put it off any more. Hopefully you realize now that your reasons for not calling the police were bad reasons. I agree again.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Rainy - I would suggest an in-person exposure with your minister. Show him the threat of financial harm. I think he will have a solution that will put some steel in your Plan B. And some teeth in your exposure of OW.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Rainy, how are your exposure plans coming along?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Rainy - I would suggest an in-person exposure with your minister. Show him the threat of financial harm. I think he will have a solution that will put some steel in your Plan B. And some teeth in your exposure of OW. I did this, actually, just this week. He is going to contact OW's minister (this has been done before, but he said he needs to know the extent of things), and also told me not to worry about the "losing your house in 2 months threat." He said if WH really follows through with this threat, the church will help me for the 2 months it takes to haul his butt into court. Huge relief! That would be a last resort, of course, but at least I have a fall-back to help me through if it comes to that.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Rainy, how are your exposure plans coming along? I think I need to revise exposure letter slightly - he came over again last night, has not been served PO yet. "It's a civil matter." By the time police got there, he left. That is something - he must have figured out I'm standing up. Normally, he would have banged on the door for half an hour. I need to include that I have a PO on him, that he has turned violent in the exposure letter. I am 99% sure he left to spend weekend with OW. I lean toward leaving the weekend to her freaking out about him showing up without a signed D, letting that be the focus rather than them uniting against me as the common enemy again for exposing. Exposing when he's on his way home, maybe? Or the day after he gets here, so the PO is served on him before he comes after me in a violent rage? That makes it easier to get the permanent PO. What do you think? I appreciate your vet advice, and taking time to worry about my petty problems. Thank you, ML.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Rainy,
I find your thread so so frustrating to read, Im sorry but I do and that's why I haven't posted yet but really rainy enough is enough. Expos� already.
What's BEST for your kids is to have an intact family unit and for your WH to go back on his meds and sort his life out and become a decent human being again, no ifs buts or maybes. D is irrelevant right now. PO is in place doesent matter when he gets served.
If he is with OW or on mount Everest DOES NOT MATTER all that matters is that you stop over thinking every tiny little step and get on with exposing no more delays. Delaying and failing to take action have landed you in this state.
ML has clearly already advised you to expose NOW. How many times does she have to tell you the same thing??? I'm sorry I know your struggling, I know your kids are struggling but you really need to do something to stop second guessing and therefore freezing up instead of taking action.
Go to your PC sit down with a nice cup of hot drink and start exposing, your exposure letter is good and has been approved by MB, then send plan B letter to your WH ( again this has been vetted by MB so your good to go). That's it, that's what you have to do today.
Tomorrow you can go back to thinking about your WH divorce offer, if he's that desperate to divorce today and offering you a "good deal" there is no reason to think this will change. One step at a time and they aren't all as interlinked or as relevant to each other as you think.
1)expose 2)plan B 3) you can then consider the D offer.
If anyone here disagrees with this please say so if not Rainy your good to go.
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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Rainy, the exposure letter was already too long so don't change it anymore. Just expose today and be done with it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Okay. Thanks, all. I did mail the Plan B letter yesterday. I'll get on exposure.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Okay. Thanks, all. I did mail the Plan B letter yesterday. I'll get on exposure. Good girl! Are you exposing to the OW's contacts on facebook? Who all is on your exposure list?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry I missed the part where you sent the plan B letter, well done.
Exposure will finally show that you are standing up to the vile OW.
Remember Dont respond to any negative replies you get from exposure, any people who condone marriage wrecking skanks behaviour don't deserve an acknowledgement.
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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ITA with NB28. Exposure will show you who is a real friend of your marriage and who is not. When/if your marriage is patched up you will know who to avoid.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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