Next time he sends a letter, return it to sender unopened. Use your IM and make sure everything is filtered...the only thing you need to know is if/when he agrees to your terms.

Well, I can help you with the wondering what is in it.

You should have known what was in it, because he hadn't contacted your IM. Whenever he can't go through your IM legitimately, the letter will always read: "Waaaahhh mommy, where'd my cake go?"

ALWAYS. So you don't have it to wonder. Waywards are as predictable as gravity. He doesn't have any surprises up his sleeve. Not one. Know that.

The next letter (should there be one) might just as well say 'I can't seem to impress your IM!'

Or maybe 'Do not read. If you wish to hear the contents, go buy a foghorn'

If you see another letter, just imagine the envelope is overwritten 'Fog Fog Fog!' 'Pain, Pain, Pain!' In bright red letters. Then if you close your eyes, you can hear the foghorn sound from inside the envelope. Then just toss it out.

And make use of your living situation. Get your parents to toss out any mail from him without saying a word to you.

Whenever he ups his little torture games, you up your barriers.

One little email to your IM. That's all he needs do. Anything less is spitting in your face.

What nice thing will you do for yourself to keep on track?

After the letter nightmare, I had another back massage. That was nice. I need to think of another treat.

The words in the letter have gotten out of my head but he did managed to help that familiar guilt creep in again. If I do receive another letter, should I throw it out or return to sender?

I spoke with my parents and told them not to tell me if he does send another one but I may stumble upon it accidentally. Maybe I should enter the house in the back door and advert my eyes from the mail from now on. It's amazing what kind of effects just one little letter can have on a betrayed spouse. And you're completely right, it was all WAAAHHH and no action, as always.

I went through my wardrobe this weekend and am going to get rid of about half of my clothes, it feels so good! Also cleaned out WH's drawer and those clothes will be going to Goodwill. I only got through about half of my clothes, I need to put some more work into it this week and switch out all of my winter clothes for summer clothes. I feel so good when I get rid of things and I haven't for over a year.

I had a bit of a tough weekend. I got the letter, my best friend was out of town, and it was rainy and dreary most of the weekend. On the bright side, this was the weekend that WH said he was coming to visit and he didn't come so that eases my mind a bit.

Yesterday I went up to a friends cabin and there were just three of us girls looking out over the lake and walking down the shoreline. We played with my dog and had a picnic out by the water. This was fun but I'm not so close with these girls and felt a bit exhausted by the end. I'm thinking I need to make some new friends. I love these two women but they are both moving within the next year and are both married. I'd like to find some funky new single friends who I can get close with.

My best friend is single and that is tremendously helpful but she is a bit unstable and has a problem with alcohol. I have known her since childhood and we are very different. She is the closest friend I have but we still are not as close as I'd like to be with a bf because of her alcohol abuse. She will sometimes diseappear for days and not return calls.

Anyway, I've been considering ways of making new friends and expanding my horizons. I've been looking for new groups to join and will try to be more forward in inviting new acquaintances to spend time together. I'm not shy but it is hard to make new friends sometimes. I will brainstorm some ideas of meeting new people and post them on here to see what you wise MB folks think.

Letters......just do not read any that arrive.
Have IM tell WH that you will not read anything he sends you and all communication must go through IM.

Yes make lots of new friends. Women for now. Join things that will be interesting to you and where you could maybe meet people. Are there meetup groups near you? That is a low key way for shy people to meet new people of like interests.

I would throw letters away. While sending them back sends a strong message to him, its not about him.

Do the best thing for you. In fact, if you have a chimnea, or firepit (somewhere safe to burn things) I would burn any letters.

My tip - burn any future letters, unopened, along with a wish. Write out your wish (a wish for you - not for the marriage) seven times, and sign your name (with a flourish) seven times after that. Its supposed to motivate your mind to discover the route to your wish.

Its worked for me though I've only used it twice. I failed my first year at Uni so I wished for a good degree and I got a First. When SL told me he didn't want children as a ruse to cover up his A, I decided to try it again. I wanted to wish for children, but I thought that would be selfish, so I wished for insight and understanding instead. This was about an hour before finding MB. I watched the flames then went straight inside and googled for advice.

The thing that makes you want to open letters is a) your very healthy desire to look for light and hope and b) a lingering legacy of his control and gaslighting of you.

I just think a) hope is a beautiful thing, but it must be directed inwardly where we can feel inspired as to our next course of action. It must not be pinned on our enemies, making us helpless. And b) you must burn smash and destroy any more of his attempts to guilt and manipulate you. How dare he!!!!


Have a swap party! These are all the rage with me and my friends lately. If you have nice things, but you're simply bored of them or they don't match the rest of your wardrobe, your other friends probably have similar items.

All get together with your clothes things, tell them to bring a bottle and a dish of something, and you'll all end up going home with a nice new outfit. Send out a FB invite, maybe encouraging peeps to bring a friend. Its also a good excuse to reconnect with people.

Actually quite a few women did this in a nearby village hall recently, put a little notice in the paper and everyone was charged a few pounds entry for charity. I got tonnes of stuff, which was great because Plan B makes you spend money in the sad stages! If you were to do this, it would be a great way to meet lots of the women your age nearby.

If you do it informally, with your own friends, just dump the clothes in the middle of the room and distribute over wine according to what suits whom best. But if you want to do a grander scale, then give guests raffle tickets per number of items, which they can then redeem.

Oh and volunteering is a great way to meet people!

Great idea about the swap and so economonical. I do have quite a few nice things that just don't fit or I haven't worn so there are some gems in there.
Also this would be a great excuse to invite some acquaintances over so I can get to know them better, along with some trusted girlfriends. I will have to consider options on how to make this a bigger swap with more people, maybe at my synagogue? That would be fun.
I will look into volunteering too.

We did this at my church once - big success. Involving your synagogue is a great idea!

Indie, I've been mulling over this story you shared for the past day or so. I wanted to thank you for suggesting this and sharing your experience. I'm a spiritual person and this struck me as a spiritual and meaningful practice. I will certainly try this and we do have a wood stove that I could burn the paper in. I'm not sure that I would do it along with burning WH's letters, but I'd like to do this wish writing separately. As for the letters, I'm hoping I just won't encounter any because my parents will intercept them but if I do encounter one, I will burn it.

You're going along the right vein, to make new friend and burn his letters, also the swap is a great idea!

MIL sent my dad an email (to forward to me) but I had him erase it. She's not WH but I decided to Plan B her as well because her pattern has been to try to talk me into going back to WH and "seeing his perspective" on why he doesn't want to take the polygraph. She's a nice woman but she's also against the polygraph and sees it as humiliating.

Also I'm sure she will disapprove of Plan B and ask me to have contact with WH and be "friends." Anyway, yay for me for deleting the email. This was not too much of a trigger because I really didn't want to read what she had to say but I was a bit tempted to look.

yes, yay for you! make sure dad deletes the email from the trash file as well, so you have no way to get to it later when you feel differently (and you will!).

good girl, hope. you're doing great! what's your list of things to do today?

Oh that's a big yay for you Hope!

Its really satisfying to see Plan B work so well for you.

Wow Hope, you really are doing so well!!! I took months to get to the point of distancing myself from enabling in-laws, so well done

Wow, thanks for cheering me on everyone! Today marks one month in Plan B and I am feeling worlds better than I did those first few days. My lows are not so low any more and more infrequent. I've been able to deal with life's challenges on my own. I didn't even have the urge to call WH when a dear friend died 2 days ago. Instead I called friends and talked to my parents about it. The funeral is tomorrow, so we shall see how I do there.

I am keeping my boundaries high with other men too. A few guys have shown more of an interest in me since I changed my FB status to "separated" and I've told them that I am married still. Should I have said anything else? It's tough to say this when cute guys are showing an interest in me and inquiring about my marital status. Luckily, they have then backed off after I said that I am married.

I think it's fine to say:

"My husband and I are still married. I needed a separation from him to protect my broken heart. WH is in an adulterous relationship with OW"


Name names. If you feel like it.


If someone is being rude/pushy, you can also say "The unfortunate status of our marriage is not your concern."

Oh yeah that's perfect.

I find just saying you're married, gets rid of 90 per cent. Eight per cent percent float away when they see nothing but formal politeness and no encouragement from you. Two per cent need to be told to back off and then unfriended.

I am now over one month in Plan B and I have some great news. My dream job opened up at the sliding scale clinic here in town, I submitted my application, and they interviewed me today!
The interview went really well and the medical director even told me that he would offer me the job on the spot if it was solely his decision to make. They are interviewing 2 more candidates so I don't know if I'll get it but I feel so good doing this on my own and still enjoying my sense of accomplishment. I have been watching for an opening at this clinic for 4 years. It is a clinic for the underserved and I have always aspired to give back to the community in this way. I really hope they offer me the job.
On a less positive note, WH called my mom today. I was in the car with her, she looked at her phone and said "Oh no, it's WH, I won't answer." She was not supposed to tell me but it slipped out. This upset me but I did not feel the need to cry or call him. I have felt bad since the call but not so bad. I am slowly making progress and feel almost back to normal. I'm not quite there yet, but I can see it up ahead.