Also I could use some tech help. I looked over in the investigative forum but its hard to decipher. I need spyware for his iphone. It is jailbroken already and has IOS 5.1 (the newest version). All of the spyware states it is not compatible with the newest IOS. Maybe if someone can help with a link or a person who would know more about this. I have to make sure it is compatible because I only get VERY short times to have his phone.

Download a program called "Iphone backup extractor." I think it's free? but it may be a few bucks...can't remember. With that, you don't even need his iphone. Just install it on the computer that he synchs his iphone to. Everything that was on the phone when it synched will be saved...and I do mean EVERYTHING!

Do this every time he synchs his phone, and you're sure to find something. If he's judicious about deleting his text messages/voicemails/call history, there are other options as well.

Awesome I will look into that. The features that I am mainly interested in are obviously text messaging and also the spy calls. He offers his phone freely to me now every evening so if there was something to be seen there he would delete it. I'm not concerned he is still in contact I'm just concerned about his level of honesty in other areas and his interactions with women.

I've looked into mobile-spy and mobi stealth but they say they don't offer for 5.1 IOS??

AJJ!! Glad to see you back my friend. I saw you lurking last night.

Did you check for her BH on Facebook? At least send the letter certified. We've had posters do that and the WS intercepted it. What about having a friend or hire someone to deliver it to him?

Also make sure you put all your contact information in the letter so he can call you if has questions.

Certified...I never thought of that. He would have to sign for it then right? I will get to work on this today.

Thanks so much!!

Did you try this?
Iphone help

I'll look into spy app support for 5.1. I should have an answer for you this weekend.

BH,

Nice to see you too, friend. I never really left, just kind of stopped posting for a while when things got a little hairy.

I know you had your thread taken down and I don't want to t/j home's thread but I just wanted to say I'm so glad for your support IRL. I commend Madjake.

Ok great thanks for the tech help.

I have written the letter and am going to mail it today. Before I do that I've had some doubts I wanted to pass by you wondering if there is an instance where contact shouldn't be made to OWH.

Upon talking to WH last night after reading SAA together we further discussed conditions leading to his A.

He says he is having a hard time relating to the story because there wasn't any emotional connection between him and OW. He stated the admiration he received from her was nice but his man objective for pursuing her was sex. He has had a mild sex/porn addiction through our entire marriage. I was basically asked to do whatever whenever with him to fulfill this. After having none of my needs met I refused to do this any longer (subconsciously) and so he needed to fulfill this elsewhere. He turned to porn for awhile, which lead him to dating sites, which lead him to this OW.

This brings me to my question. WH and OW did not exchange names, addresses, and only shared telephone numbers (his has been changed since then.) She has no way to contact him as even his workplace has changed. Do I still continue to contact the OWH. My fear is that this will create a way for her to connect with WH. Should I be concerned about this? If there was no emotional attachment on his side does it even matter? He basically preyed on her much as he did me in the beginning and throughout our marriage. SF was very one sided. Thankfully though Dr. Harley's chapter on this and his counseling this is getting better.

I just wonder if this should be treated as a one night stand or an ongoing A? They did talk for 3 months but only via text message and only sex related?

Also wanted to add to the "sexual assault" rape situation. Basically she came onto him, he didn't refuse but after she was too rough and mean he asked her to stop and she didn't. This explains why he did take responsibility for this as an A. He entered the hotel room and let it start.

Homefor5,

I am reading your thread and I am worried about you. I am worried that you are 1) making excuses for your WH behavior, 2) making excuses to not get all pertinent information, and 3) setting yourself up for a false recovery.

Poly: I am a stickler about this because I think there is more that you don't know. Which means you are trying to recover with a wayward liar, not a remorseful former WH. Which, will never happen. I think you think there is more too, and am confused as to why finding this out is not a priority. I understand money issues, but if your WH has just quit smoking, can you not save up the money he would have spent on cigs for a poly? Reinvest the 'bad habit' budget into a 'good marriage budget.' My point is I believe the money is there somewhere, it is just a matter of priorities. The fact that HE decided you couldn't do a poly because of lack of funds is a BIG RED FLAG. IMO, a truly remorseful WS who was willing to do anything to recover a damaged marriage would get a part time job for a month to pay for it if he needed to.

My WH had a ONS. He also had an EA that was of a sexual nature. These were not long term relationships that filled his EN's. Good grief the one EN I fill like a rockstar is SF. At the end of the day it DOESN'T MATTER. I still confronted the OW's, am working on some additional exposures now, WH is required to have NC with them FOR LIFE, and EP's are in place FOR LIFE.

I see a lot of 'it doesn't relate' and 'they only ...' type statements. Everyone on these boards has a slightly different story, some longterm entrenched A's that were based on feelings of love (not REAL love mind you...) and some ONS's. One time cheaters and serial cheaters. Betrayed spouses and wayward spouses. At the end the principles are all the same.

Do you really want to find out the TRUTH, require more from your WH, and recover from this? Because I really feel like you are on the road to Plan Continued Confusion here.

You are right. He has done all I've asked i'm just not asking enough! I will send the letter and get spyware on his phone as soon as I find something compatible. Six months ago we could have afforded the poly but I didn't think to do it. WH already has 2 jobs. I know it sounds like excuses but coming up with an extra $500 would literally take good out of the kids mouths

Again not sure how I got so timid in life, its annoying!!

May 24, 2012



Dear xxxxx,

I have been trying to inform you of an affair that took place between my husband and your wife in March of 2011 until June of 2011. This affair to my knowledge had one instance of sexual intercourse. It started when my husband responded to an ad your wife placed in Craigslist looking for a friend with benefits. They met a couple of times and then finally met in Kingdom City where they rented a hotel room for the night.

I am unsure if you are aware of this affair but part of my recovery from this whole ordeal is to ensure that you know it took place. I do not need to know your feelings about the ordeal unless you feel like sharing. As your wife stated �it was no big deal, we are two adults�. Therefore if that is your stance than no further communication is needed. You wife stated to my husband that you two were in the process of a divorce but from researching online I see that isn�t true. I however do not take that stance and I�m not very happy with either your wife or my husband. Both were aware they were married to other people.

Anyway I have left some of my contact information in case you have further questions as I do have all the details from my husband�s side. If you feel the need to communicate please do so only in letter or email or text for protection of my children.



Does this letter sounds ok? I am really bad at confrontation!

I'm going to mail it this evening certified mail.

Letter is sent.

As I sit here with my baby who is refusing 2 sleep and after having a rough day with the kids I can't help but sit here feeling so ANGRY. Angry for the crap he put me through, angry for what he has done, angry for who he is, angry for how I have to monitor him, angry for him making me repeat the history of my parents.

I feel so angry its scary!! I'm am not a confrontational person so it all builds up. I don't even know where to go next. He is offering up everything I ask and trying but i'm still angry! I can't get anything done during the day. This is the first time in my life I've struggled caring for my children. Which makes me more angry that this is clearly directly effecting my kids. I'm tired of the roller coaster.

Monitoring is next to ensure there is no contact which I'm sure there isn't because all his time if accounted for and he is tracked by me. But I don't even think that will make me feel better. There are times i'm alone and i'm sure I could hurt someone i'm so mad and then people come around and I stuff it all back in. Just when I think i'm working on it I have a day like today where i'm furious and i'm not even sure why!! My sister doesn't even know the extent of it.

I have no one to talk to and I can't cry anymore!! Where do I go from here?

First off good job on sending the letter to OW's BH. Talking to him on the phone can help you with confronting people, but the very least he can contact you if has questions and you're finallly exposing to him.

You continue to come here and learn how to use the tools.

Your anger is a sign of him and his affair. Have you read rainysweet's thread? Her WH was in a 3.5 year affair and he would flaunt it in her face by having OW come to their town. She never told anyone until this week and she exposed like a super hero. She may not be able to save her M because WH has moved out and she's now in Plan B, but she has her dignity back and took a stand against infidelity.

Read this A Discovery of Walls and Doors

Thanks for that link. Wish wh would come here. I know he wants to fix things I just wish he would come here so I don't feel like i'm carrying this all alone. I can't seem to be able to tell him what needs to be done but by the sounds of it you all sure could.

What about emailing posts or articles from this place to your WH?

Don't tell him about this place until you verify full NC and that there's no OW. You can email him articles and such.

Actually scratch that you need to make sure he's not active in an affair.

Homefor5 how are you doing? Have you heard from OW's BS?