Ok here's my story. Very new to this so have no idea of all the lingo. I have been with my husband since I was 17- now 39. Always had a great relationship with all the vital ingredients- love, chemistry, attraction, friendship. We didn't have children until I was 32- through choice- had been too busy enjoying life! Then twins came along and it was a shock but we seemed to cope well- or so I thought. My husband withdrew a little from me and slept in another room as needed sleep- he has a very successful career. I felt neglected and leaned towards others for their emotional support. In particular this came in the form of a couple that seemed to adore me and couldn't do enough to help me. We all socialised together on regular occasions but on reflection my husband always felt a bit left out. The guy of the couple then developed feelings for me and I did not handle the situation properly as I should of discouraged these feelings. I felt sorry for him and loved him as a friend ONLY and didn't want to hurt his feelings. Of course, these feelings developed to monumentous proportions which then led to stalking behaviour which was incredibly stressful. I didn't know how to broach this with my husband as the other guy blackmailed me saying he would tell my husband that we had an affair. To cut a long story short, I felt like I was about to have a complete breakdown. I confided in my brother who then told my husband. My husband was absolutely amazing in those first few months apart from the odd flare up which was to be expected. I nursed myself better and did not think of his hurt as I was too traumatised by was I had gone through- even though at the beginning- it was largely brought on myself. He had always been strong so I did not question his ability to deal with it all which was very wrong of me. Roll on 4 years and a lot of stress from various different life situations and suddenly my husband cannot deal with what happened and continuously told me that I had an 'emotional affair'. I'd never heard of this term before but I guess I can understand why he says this but I never had feelings for the other guy in that way. Bitterness and resentment have grown over this period which I was completely oblivious to and our marriage has totally disintegrated over the last year. He has not been prepared to 'fix' things as has said that he doesn't have the feelings for me. We went to marriage counselling which was a complete waste of time as we were just paying to have an argument in front of someone else. I know that I am truly a good person and do not understand for the life of me my husband's inability to forgive. I would of absolutely stuck by marriage vowels but I can't fix things on my own or can I? Last year when we were constantly arguing, my uncle died which was sad, 4 wks later my other uncle committed suicide which was a horrific shock as no one knew there was anything wrong, my dad then got rushed into hospital. During the week he was in there, we were burgled in the middle of the night which was incredibly stressful and then 3 days later we watched my father die. My husband has shown zero compassion- I have not had any affection for a year now even with all the traumatic family events. He is consistently cold and nasty and aggressive quite a lot. I am a very loving tactile person and cannot understand this. I know he doesn't deserve me as I am truly sorry for my part in the demise of the marriage and have tried to show that. He has not once said sorry for all the horrific and hurtful things he has said. There is one problem though.... I still love the man I married and I live in hope that this is a blip- he turned 40 last year and admits some kind of mid life crisis/emotional breakdown of which he is receiving professional help for. How do I make him want the marriage as much as I do.

Welcome to marriage builders. I would notify the MODS and have this moved to the SAA forum.

Sounds like your M never recovered from your EA.

Does the wife of the OM know of your EA with her H?

This is a wonderful place yo have a wonderful M. Dr. Harley has very specific steps to recover from an affair.

Buy the book SAA. Read this How to Survive An Affair

Hi, the others man's wife is not aware I don't think but always knew her husband was very fond of me - as they both were. They are since divorced anyway over her being unfaithful so they don't play a part in our lives anymore. Do you think it is possible for my marriage to come good or am I in denial?

If you work hard enough then yes.

I would contact this BW and tell her anyway. She may have always wondered but never knew.
It will show your BH actions of you trying to do the right thing. You need to give your BH just compensation for your

How are your boundaries around men?

Do you have other male friends?

What conditions allowed your affair? Texting, email, facebook?

Will your BH post here so we may help him?

I've always been faithful to my husband. I do not have any exclusive friendships with men. We have in the past socialised within groups/couples. The other man was a neighbour and he would text and ring me. My husband has not been a particularly emotional man - he was sent away to boarding school as a child whilst his parents lived the 'high life'. He does not have a close emotional bond with his parents. I felt neglected in an emotional sense after we had children. I wasn't looking for someone else to fill that gap as such but it felt nice that someone was kind to me and cared. I was never attracted to him though.

There may be reasons for affairs but never excuses.

Do you tell your BH that it wasn't an affair because you weren't attracted to the OM? Can you imagine how that must make your BH feel?

Read this What is an Affair?

Maybe this is where I've gone wrong. Because the other man ended up stalking me and because I never had feelings/attraction for him- I never considered it was an emotional affair- in fact I had never heard of the term. Subsequently how things ended were me feeling very sorry for myself and I guess never making up for my wrong doings. Obviously that is why there is bitterness and resentment. Last year at the point in which the marriage started breaking down, I had too much going on with family deaths that I could not freely give him what he needed as I was trying to deal with the trauma of what I was going through.

Ok now you might be getting it.
What are his top emotional needs? How will you give him just compensation for what you've done to him?

So what TODAY can you do for

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Daisy.

Question, please: Why did you not tell your husband about it when this guy began stalking you?

Yes, this was an emotional affair. You sound like part of you wants to deny it while the other part knows it. If I'm reading correctly, this quote makes it clear that you felt entitled to the attention (feeling 'sorry' for yourself) and is an admission that you were involved in'wrong doings'. You were a willing participant in this. Your needs were being met outside of your marriage. You kept this fact from your husband until OM threatened you with exposure.

Exactly how did you end things with OM? What happened to make him go away?

Hi there,

Don't give up hope, this site and the vets can help you put a great marriage recovery back into place.
You two just got off track with a lot of other stuff and lost touch between a couple.
You can get back there by following the steps of recovery the MB way.
Start with openess about what you did and become accountable through action and compassion for your husband's hurt.
Always be honest, right now he thinks you sold your marriage out by not securing your boundaries with other men.
He is not going to give you what you didn't give him.
You are going to have to prove you mean what you say now.
Slowly with each gesture he will start to trust you again, little things, big things all of it makes a difference.
You will have to figure out what his emotional needs are fill them generously, don't love bust in any way.
Be kind, confident and affectionate even if he doesn't respond for a while, you might have to be a one woman show for a while.
Little touches, hugs, smiles, doing things for him when he won't expect it.
Read this site, learn and listen there are many great folks willing to listen and help, you have friends here.
Stick around

Are you going to tell the XBW of OM about your affair with her WH?

I don't know what his emotional needs are anymore- I would of said that he thrives on pride and respect and love and attention. The problem is that he has built such emotional barriers that I can't get close to him. I try to do practical things and I've lost count how many times I've apologised and told him I love him. He is very cold towards me- ice cold actually and he says he doesn't love me because I've destroyed him. It has been 2 fold though because losing family members and in particular my dad- he has shown no emotion to that either. He says he needs to move out and rent a place because he doesn't know who he is anymore and cannot find peace within himself. What can I do? I just have no idea.

Here
Emotional Needs

DW,

Welcome. You are in a place where you can get some really good help for your marriage.

I suggest a couple of Dr. Harley's books for you. Read "Surviving an Affair". In that book, Dr. Harley talks about two different types of affairs - a physical affair and an emotional affair. You may not have identified that you were in an emotional affair with your neighbor, but you had some sort of feelings for him.

The second book is "His Needs, Her Needs". This book talks about the concept of a love bank and how meeting or not meeting emotional needs either fills or depletes the love bank. It is the foundation of Dr. Harley's marriage builders program. If you are arguing, other than what was happening during counseling, then read "Lovebusters". It talks about how to stop hurting each other.

AM

Have you read the basic concepts? Your husband is in withdrawal, one of the three states of mind in marriage. It's your job to meet his emotional needs until you can draw him out.

Have you thought about writing a letter to him taking ownership of the wrongs you have done to him and to your marriage and family? One betrayed husband on here got lots of letters and notes from his wife as she drew him back into the marriage and really treasures them. And maybe your BW would feel like if you're actually putting it down on paper, that you're being more honest than just words. Also, don't expect him to meet your needs for a while, and DON'T lovebust. You need to go back and read the basic concepts so you understand what the marriage builders program is about.

DW,

I was writing when I saw your last post. Do you think it is possible your husband is having an affair?

AM

The reason why I didn't tell him is that we had extreme (and I mean extreme) stress in other areas of our lives for example having stupidly borrowed a ridiculous amount of money and then circumstances changed and my husband would literally cry saying his was going to have a heart attack at all the worry. Subsequently I didn't feel I could tell him for fear it would tip him over the edge as to speak. How it ended was I told my brother who then told my husband and he phoned the other man and the guy then left me alone. Having said that, he approached me just 6 weeks ago for the first time and said that he was still in love with me. I was in a bar at the time and ignored him to which he displayed aggressive behaviour. I told my husband straight away even though there isn't a relationship between us currently. The other man has not since made any contact.

Thank you for your suggestions but if I show any tenderness or affection/emotion he flinches (physically) or becomes aggressive towards me. I so desperately want things to work and have told my husband this and written him letters expressing my regret, sorrow and immense love for him. I just do not know what to do. I feel this is all too little too late. He is looking for somewhere to rent to move out. I wish I had found this site at least a year ago.