I don't think I have done enough probably bearing in mind his hurt. He knows I love him though and I could give him love and affection but he won't have any of it. A lot of the time I don't like him because he is so incredibly nasty and perhaps I could of done more last year if it wasn't for the fact that I was too traumatised over my uncle hanging himself/dad dying etc. He hasn't cuddled me or anything else for a year. I find that hard to understand because him and my father always got on really well but he has been nasty about him and my family also. This has put immense strain particularly for my mother who is mourning the loss of her husband and is desperately sad that I have been so upset- crying most days. Sometimes I feel everything is too much to deal with as well as looking after hyperactive twins!

DW,

I would be very surprised if your husband is not in an affair. These comments are straight from the wayward script. Are you willing to snoop to see exactly what he is up to?

AM

I really don't think he is having an affair - he says he can't be with anyone because I have destroyed him and ruined his self esteem. I have no means of snooping really because he is incredibly intelligent and I don't know any passwords to anything. Also I am not technically wise when it comes to phones/computers etc. he is not highly sexed- hasn't been for years actually. He frequently says to me that men would bite his arm off to have everything he has- (his words) a incredibly beautiful wife, beautiful kids, a gorgeous house and plenty of money but that he isn't happy. He often tells people that I'm beautiful. The thing is- whether Im beautiful on the outside or not- I know I'm beautiful on the inside- I have no doubt about that. Yes I've made a huge mistake/error of judgement etc but I am truly sorry and he does know this. He just won't forgive me.

Why would you be surprised if he is not having an affair? If I am to snoop- what do you suggest? I really don't think he is though.

Daisy, he is having an affair. Can you hire a private investigator?

Why do you think this especially as its been said that an emotional affair is very hard to get over. Surely these behaviour traits are because he is just very hurt. He has been brought up in an environment where there was not a lot of love or emotion expressed. Perhaps these aggressive outbursts are because of frustration in not being able to handle things. I am very emotional and he finds this hard to deal with.

The added information of his completely separate lifestyle warrants a thorough investigation. It sounds like there is much more going on here than you are aware of.

Is this why you don't think he's having an affair? Because he said he can't be with anyone? Do you understand that waywards are notorious liars?

Do you also understand that many, many affairs begin because the affair partner is meeting some emotional need of the wayward and not necessarily because the wayward is sexually driven to the affair partner?

Has he always been this way? Was he this way when you were dating or newly married?

He is gaslighting you big time!! In addition, why the privacy? Why does your H insists on shutting you out of his life?

You may have had your boundries low and allowed this OM in but it seems to me that you have done everthing in your power to make it clear to the OM and your H that you wanted no part of it.

Has your H always been so cruel and uncaring? This is,exactly how my H acted towards me when he was having his RA. I'm sorry Daisey it seems like you ate making a million excuses for his behavior. It's time to start snooping in any way you can.

If you are not technically wise about phones and computers, I suggest you go with Mel's idea of a private investigator. Also, look into a voice activated recorder for his car. There is an entire forum on here about how to snoop.

There have been many, many people who come here with knowledge that there is something wrong in the marriage other than an affair. And many, many of them have been surprised to learn their spouse is having an affair. Your husband's lifestyle makes it very easy.

AM

AM

This will help Operation Investigate

For the first good few years of our marriage everything was bliss. Before getting married we were together 5 years. We hardly ever argued- there was no reason for it most of the time. He has never been the most tactile, expressive person but we got on so well- we were best friends. I always knew he had a bad temper- he is very very self righteous and rarely sees someone else's point of view. Me on the other hand, will have my opinion but will listen and consider others' views. I am completely confused with all these posts! Some people have said I've had an emotional affair which yes I would agree with but it ended in stalking behaviour from the other man. However others are suggesting he is having an affair himself now. On the one hand I need to make up for what I've done - even though I'm not sure of how to do this because of the way he is. On the other hand, I too have experienced immense hurt and pain over how hurtful he has been and the complete absence of compassion towards the trauma of losing family members. It is all very confusing!!

DW,

From my perspective, I feel like there is more to this story, somewhere. Either on your side or his.

I feel this way because I feel like the punishment doesn't fit the crime, so to speak. If you had a friendship with another man that was borderline EA (and I'm not trying to downplay it here people) and you seem to be doing backflips to make up for all the hurt and pain that caused...and he has spent how long now being totally cold to you and making you out to be a monster...this just seems like a LOT of trauma to be caused by something that you are describing as questionably even an EA. Which leads me to believe one of two things:

1) There is more to this EA than you are telling us. NOTE: We are all strangers. If you tell the truth and get a beating for it, it will only help you grow. Lots of us have been there, as BS's AND WS's and although if you are foggy and in a wayward mindset you will not get coddled, you will get educated. If recovery is what you really want, and knowledge on how to go about getting recovery, and you have not been honest with us, please do so.

2) Your H is having an A and that is the reason he has made you out to be a monster. Because that is standard proc for a wayward.

If you did not reciprocate in any way, then how would his feelings develop into monumentous proportions?



If you didn't have an affair, why was this such leverage with you? If someone blackmailed me for something I DIDN'T do it would just tick me off, not make me do what they wanted.

Thanks for your response. All friends/family members think the punishment has superseded the crime. On reflection of reading these posts, I have had an emotional affair as I probably relied in emotional support from another man when I should of requested it from my husband. That said, I felt my husband had withdrew from me after having children and he does acknowledge this but I should of fought harder then. I did invite his parents round 6 years ago to discuss with them the neglect I felt because I was concerned. His parents do not share a close emotional relationship with my husband- although they love him very much. This scenario came to no fruition. Subsequently my emotional support came from the other man. I think because of my husbands upbringing and being sent off to boarding school he is emotionally immature and hence has not dealt with this well. I have no idea what to do now.

By the way, just to clarify- I never had more than friendship feelings towards this man but his feelings became out of control and hence escalated to stalking behaviour for several months.

Are you going to snoop to find out? Can you check his phone?

Hi there, friends and family would agree with you that the punishment has exceeded the crime. On reflection from reading this all today, I have clearly had an emotional affair as even though I thought of this OM as only a friend, I took his emotional support and should of requested it from my husband. I guess I felt neglected at a time when I needed that support. Although I did not seek that support from outside my marriage, it was offered to me and I should not of taken it. I acknowledge my wrong doings. As for blackmailing me- this concerned me on many levels- I was worried about the fall out of living in a close knit environment of which we all had children. My husband employed his wife. I was worried that because of the manipulative nature of the other man and how desperate he was for me and my husband to part, that he would convince my husband something 'more' happened than it actually did.