I don't know about balls, but that's not the first time I've been accused of that.

I just wanted to fight for my marriage.

So when are you exposing?

Rainy, you have been to he77 and back. A suicide attempt by your own child is a traumatic experience.

My DD16 took an overdose in 2010 fortunately the dosage was not large enough to do any damage, but the act itself and the experience in ED most of the night was traumatic. My DD16 had been targeted the year before at school by a pyschopath (official diagnose) who befriended fellow students, projected her troubles onto them, groomed them and tried to get them to self arm and enter suicide pacts. The police organised victim support counselling. She made great progress although the residuals caused a few moments along the way. The following year Sildur was overseas (work related)for most of the year returning home 4 days each month. Our children struggled with his absence, DD16 was very close and the residual effect of the previous year, another tragic Event and Sildur being overseas was the trigger for her attempt. I don't think she fully intended to end it (dosage not enough) but the act regardless of end result is concerning.

My reason for sharing this; I can understand how traumatic your experience was and your desire to protect your children, particularly your son. You will want to put his interests ahead of your own regardless of the impact on you. I understand this.

When Sildur announced he was leaving, this was what I struggled with, that he didn't appear to consider the impact on our children, given the traumas and stress we faced as a family for 2yrs. I remember asking him to consider them, we had a close happy marriage and family, his decision was so out of the blue and all happening so fast, we'd relocated cities (islands in our case) to be a fulltime family, the children would struggle as it was "so unexpected". His reply was yes it will be hard but they will be fine

Pinoke was very wayward when he made that comment. When you read threads about waywards behaviour and children, you realise that their own selfish needs come before their childrens. They cannot or do not want to acknowledge the pain b/c it interferes with their fantasy.

Rainy, you have survived so much over the years, you have the strength to survive Plan B and exposure. You are a survivor my friend.

I'm so sorry, happy. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good to know I'm not alone - that someone else understands. But also horrible that other families go through such nightmares too. You're right - they think of no one but themselves (waywards). That's all I hear now, "The kids will be fine." And if they're not, it's my fault.

You're an encouraging example:)

I just got home from taking my kids to a movie - spur of the moment. They asked if we could go, and I've not been good at being at all spontaneous or fun lately. So we went; it was fun.

I'm trying to get up the balls:) to do it tonight. But I still keep thinking maybe I should hold off until the D stuff is taken care of. My kids having a good life is what matters most to me - not exposing OW, although I will do that too. I'm working on uploading their garbage photos.

rainy, i've just popped on for a sec. do the exposure! since you've asked...i did mine IN PERSON! how scary is that? (granted, i didn't have many to do.) it really is the most empowering thing. we aren't kidding! just do it :O)

Waste of time. Do it first. The courage arrives afterwards.

Just remember Rainy, don't listen to Pinoke's foggy babble, you are not to blame for your children's pain. That is a direct consequence of his A.

This was another reason I was determined to expose. I wanted the truth out there and I wanted exposure to start attacking the fantasy and in turn attacking the fog. I was prepared to do anything to blow the fog away to help my children. I wanted Sildur to make them a priority in his life again, to see their pain and take responsbibility for his actions. To be able to make amends and be the father they knew again.

Rainy I really feel your fear but your back to second guessing everything and it's not going to get you anywhere.

Right now the OW controls your life and your letting her, someone needs to take a stands against this tyrant, exposure is the key. Why should you have to live in fear and intimidation when you did nothing wrong while she gets away with total control over your WH and your children's future??? Don't let her do this. Speack up let her side of friends and family hear the truth and pain that is being inflicted on you. Your not doing anything wrong by exposing your sharing information that people have a right to know about.

Please please expose tonight, I did it even before I knew of MB I did the Facebook exposure on instinct because I saw the threat and eliminated it.
I hardly ever drink alcohol and on the night I exposed I asked one of my close friends for moral support, she came over with a bottle of wine and we sat together as I sent the FB messages. You can do it too, call a friend for support if you have to.

After my exposure I had a very high adrenaline riush but it felt right and it was right.

You have a PO in place served or not served its still there from the day it was issued and it will do its job if your WH misbehaves.

Where your WH or OW are currently is really and truly irrelevant to exposure but if you really want to concentrate on that consider that when exposing when they are together just reinforces that your telling the truth, when people phone the OWBS he will say she is not there etc so they will get confirmation she is with your WH.

You have done so much progress and exposure it's your final hurdle. This is your life please take control of it and don't deal with any D talk until the exposure is done because it can change the status of their commitment to each other.

From my experience the best time to expose is weekends as more people tend to be on FB so exposing now is Ideal.

Rainy you have let your fear stunt your progress for 3 long years. Enough is enough, you only get one life pleae don't waste it anticipating what your WH will and wont do, he is bipolar, I have dealt with many bipolar people and when they are off their meds they are unpredictable and you have already protected yourself from harm by going into plan B and getting a PO. There is nothing left to be scared of. Bullies like your WH often run at the first sign of someone stand up to them. You are half way there so take the final steps and expose.

Do it! You can do it!

The truth can only ever help.

Thanks for all the encouragement. I've needed it. I am going to expose, but I've got to get this D signed first. He's too ugly, and I have to take care of my kids. I know I've let him and OW run my life and need to stop it. I also know that all waywards are nuts, but I haven't seen anyone else on here who's dealt with a WS chasing down their kids, threatening to kill them, or physically assaulting them. He's a little further out there than most.

Working on D with IM. I'll let you know when I'm exposing.

Rainy, you are dragging this out for yourself and your children.

This may sound harsh. I know you are scared. The fear won't leave you until you get it over with.

Face your fears. DO IT. You know this is the next step. Get it over with so you and your kids can heal. Right now you feel like there is an axe over your head. You will keep feeling like that until you expose.

I intended to expose at the right time, so that it would be in the middle of the UK night so OW couldn't stop me. I scrapped that idea, and just did it because I wanted it over with. I exposed when it was the morning in the UK. I didn't get shut down. I actually can't remember anyone on MB that has, unless they have sent too many messages too quick (space them 60 seconds apart). I could be wrong though.

I was anxious about the reaction from exposure, but the thing was, I had felt resentful for sooo long that I had not had the knowledge of who OW was. So by the time I exposed, I was so glad to be able to in some way confront her. I view my recovery as only really beginning once I did this. I finally felt I had rights and stood up for myself.

Please do it so you can fully remove yourself and your kids from the drama. Just think, are you going to expose in one week, two, a month, two, and keep this drama going on for your already traumatised children?

I just want to reinforce this. Scotty's words are spot on. Your son is already showing vulnerabilty to being manipulated (by his wayward father), so you ESPECIALLY need to be a role model on how to set boundaries.

Your son is acting as though he is the peacemaker to protect YOU and siblings from the aggressor. This is not a son's responsibility. This is emotional abuse from your WH. Explain Plan B for his sake and yours.

Oh I have and Ive only been here a year. Obviously the vets have much more experience. Threads are removed sometimes though when a controlling spouse accesses the info which would explain why you might not have seen them. Hopefuly someone with personal experience will chime in here about how exposure went for them.

Usually people find out that the WS is just a bully, who is only prepared to bully while the secrecy is in operation. They dont liek the spotlight of exposure.

That doesnt mean you shouldnt take precautions (deadbolts, changed locks and readiness to call the police) If he genuinely (remember he may just be all talk) wants to get the D signed and in an hurry that can be easily done while you sort the other arrangements.

I only have a couple of pictures of them, and one note to him from her. Do I need more proof than that? Or is that enough? I threw away all the horrible pictures I had saved a long time ago. I've tried to get more - he has volumes - but have been unable to yet.

Rainy

You Have enough evidence, people have exposed successfully with much less than you have,

No offense, RS, but I have the sense that you are going just have another excuse one the D is final.

I also sense that exposure will be less effective after the D is final. That means there is a very real risk that OW will be involved in your children's lives in the near future. Yes, I know you have language written into the separation agreement but that type of language is hard to enforce and you said yourself that both your WH and OW are very brazen. If it was me, I would be doing everything possible to end this affair even if I was 100% sure I wanted to follow through with the D. And yes, a FB exposure on OW's side could very possibly crumble the affair, especially if OW BH didn't expose or put any pressure on her which is what I think you have told us...

I think I am just repeating myself so probably the last time I will post to you on this issue.

Expose already.

So true...that it's afterwards that you feel better... (Mrs W's words are ringing in my ears right now: Feelings follow actions!)

Every time I had to expose I was sick to my stomach and a wreck. But I did it anyway.

If you are waiting for a magic moment when it feels easier or you feel strong enough or something like that, it's not going to happen.

I know I will feel better. I know it's hanging over my head, a constant source of stress all the time. It probably is better if I expose before the D. Would also make Plan B easier, to know it's done and I can quit worrying about WH, OW, A, and all the garbage that goes along with it.

But I am worried about the PO. I know that doesn't keep him from violating it, but at least he'd be violating it, not just another slap on the hand. I want to know my kids and I are safe, that we can live our lives. That he can whirl around in this wayward psycho-ness all on his own, until he decides to pull out, and that we don't have to be a part of it any longer.

I'm thinking . . .

And at work, so can't expose right this moment anyway. It'll have to be night. I wish I drank, as some of you have suggested. I'll have to stock up on ice cream or something:)

Rainy

The PO is there, it has been issued. Why do you keep using it as an excuse?

For the past 4 days here are the loops you have been circling

One day you can't expose cause WH is with OW, the next day you can't expose because of PO then you can't expose because your waiting for the D and back and forth like this over and over again with moment where your checking and double and triple checking exposure technicalities with FB and all of a sudden enough evidence.

This kind of behaviour is why many have bailed out on posting to you over the past few days, it's truly frustrating to watch.

You jumped ship 1.5 years ago and did not follow the advice much to everyone's detriment who is around you.

The vets and the posters would not ask or advise you to do anything that each and every one of them have had to do themselves. We all had to expose, most of us made a huge gaping dent in the A. A lot of us killed the A that way too.

Your kids have one decent parent left to rely and look up to. Show them you are standing up for them and for yourself, teach them self respect.

You have covered every question, query and some more when it comes to exposure there is. Nothing for us to tell you on how when and why you need to do it. Go home and be the strong reliable parent your kids need and bury the witch that has stolen your family's peace. Expos� her and do it confidently and with pride.

I am totally expecting to come to MB tomorrow and find some more gibbering about why you didn't expose today etc but I'm hoping against the odds that something I or others have said will finally give you the much needed final push.

Good luck.