Boy. Thanks, all. I'll answer your questions first, and follow it with the day's developments.

BrainHurts: Can't get OM's folks' details cos none have posted on his page, that I know of (ie no surname matches). I never knew his GF's name. DD7's party starts 15.00 UK time tomorrow Sat.

SugarCane: I'm a Brit, UK passport holder, born London. WS is Australian passport holder, born Sydney. Both of us born to immigrants from W. Africa and C. Europe respectively. No "Hague Convention"-type issues or concerns for me, just the fact that UK courts tend to NOT split siblings, and as I don't have Parental Responsibility ("PR", proper UK legal term) for step-son, by default kids will be kept together, and thus with mother cos she has PR for both. THOSE are the worries that factored in my indecision. THAT's what's filled me with dread, and caused a large part of my analysis-paralysis...

MelodyLane & NeverGuessed: Thanx for the Wa! I like the demand for an STD test -- altho' "it's been 18 months." See also below, re tweaks.

So, to the update:
Guess what? WS rang over an hour or so ago (18.45 UK time), while I was making dinner for the kids. Contrary to her earlier txt msgs, WS was very conciliatory. And she was all honey, to wit: "I'm not out there looking for another man. Why would I be? You tick every box. There's nothing I'm looking for in a man that you don't have. You're loving, supportive, great with the kids, a good professional, own your own home, all of that. So why would I be out there cheating?"

Almost brought a tear to my eye. Not. She still denies having an affair with OM, and said there was "no way [she's] ending contact with a friend!" She even repeated -- twice -- that if she'd been doing anything with anyone, she'd've gone with him to LA last year when she went solo, and gone with him to Miami this year when she went solo. She neglected to say anything about travelling up-country here in the UK, and e-mailing hotel to leave keys for Mr. OM at Reception. But I held my tongue on that one (more below/later: #1).

I stayed calm -- and to her credit, so did she (of course, given her honeyed words above) -- and I simply repeated, time and again: "to give our marriage a chance, you need to stop all extra-marital affairs".

I wanted that to be the last word when the conversation ended. But she kept interjecting with denials. Then, as the call went on, she turned mean: "Well, look how we've been arguing over this over the years. I don't wanna do this any more. You've never trusted me. You've always snooped on me. Did you install a new keylogger again? Actually, I don't care what 'proof' you think your keylogger tells you."

Then, further on: "It's not an affair if your marriage is over." So I asked her: "Are you saying that if you 'decide in your mind' that the marriage is over, sleeping with OM would not amount to having an affair?" And she point-blank refused to answer that. I reminded her that at the start of the call, she'd started by assuring me in honeyed tones [I did not say THAT] that she was not having an affair and had not had an affair with anyone, let alone OM -- and that therefore, she should be able to give a straightforward "No" in response to my question. She still point-blank refused to answer that: "I'm not gonna let you bully me into an answer. You're trying to trap me." I asked again, and she hung up. (Call had lasted 35mins. I recorded it all.)

1. Why did she twice repeat the "if I was in an affair, I'd be travelling places with him"? Assuage her guilt by comforting herself with examples of her own "restraint"?
2. In my Exposure letter is where I mention my proof. I haven't mentioned it to WS yet, because I didn't want her denials to dilute the ToT, and I didn't want her to pre-warn any Exposure audiences etc: am I making sense?
3. I started to create the kosher Facebook page, then stopped: what if WS or OM searched for me and found the page? Might that pre-warn them? Etc etc? In any event, I decided to leave that till Sun morning. WS parties all night, usually getting back to her girl friends' at 7am or 8am. So I'll wait until 9am or 10am Sun, then create the Facebook page and immediately push the Exposure Private Messages. (Seriously grieves me that I can't find any of the toe-rag OM's family.) Make sense?
4. What do you make of her evening call?

I wish I'd been first to the monicker "BrainHurts"..! :-)

Btw Mel, I like your clear-eyed six-point plan ("6" is WS's favourite number 8-), but I'm turning #4 over in my mind:
Isn't that Draconian, and possibly self-defeating? I don't mind my significant-other having opposite-sex friends, so long as it's open, all-inclusive and platonic. I'd much rather such friendships existed and were overt, rather than theoretically not exist but in reality exist covertly. Am I being unrealistic in thinking that "we can all be friends" (definitely excluding this OM, of course -- I just mean generally). Born in London, grew up Africa, back in UK, with lots of African friends. A pair of my best and oldest (20+ years) friends have been together 30+ years, since college at 16yo. Wife has a few male friends, husband knows them and considers them friends -- as do I -- and there is zero percent chance of any impropriety past or present. All our families celebrate kids' birthdays, sporting events etc together. I mean, husband is wife's oldest male friend. Are they just lucky?

Great job!! I would stick to your plan and do a very wide spread exposure to her fb contacts and the OMs contacts. When she finds out, she will be furious and say ALOT of stupid things. Just expect it. Just tell her what I told you and demand that she end her affair and never spend the night away again. Go through the list I gave you.

What do I make of her call? Nothing.

IGR, the issue is the poor boundaries your WW has already demonstrated as regards "male friends". Not to make this personal, but I have many female friends. It's not an issue because my boundaries as to behaviour and feelings are incredibly high. Your WW's are piss-poor.

Think of it like a drunk. A drunk must abstain from any alcohol, since eventually the booze wins. I am not inclined to misuse alcohol, so I can have wine with dinner.

Igii, it is self defeating and risky to have opposite sex friendships because that is how affairs begin. Your wife is having an affair because she engages in opposite sex friendships, it's sort of like this: when you get your [censored] run over playing chicken, the solution is to stay out of the road.

Any opposite sex friendships should be in the context of married couples who are friends of you and your wife.

It is not "draconian" it is simply a sane, rational way to live.

If you want to see what happens with opposite sex friendships, just look around you at the thousands of affairs that began that way. There are thousands here.

Anyone who wants to protect their marriage from an affair does not have opposite sex friendships. The ones who are the most vulnerable to affairs are not those who have had affairs, but those who engage in such risky behavior because they believe they are immune. They believe they are GREAT drunk drivers, in other words.

So, affair in the past or NOT, it is not wise to have friends of the opposite sex outside of marriage. No marriage is safe if one of the spouses has opposite sex friendships. Anyone who HAS opposite sex friendships has poor boundaries.

Look where that philosophy got you.

A wife has no business having a friend of the opposite sex outside of the marriage. I have no male friends that I see outside of my marriage without my husband. We're not saying she can't have friends who are male - we're saying they need to be YOUR friends as well. She needs to have no contact with them unless you are present. It's not draconian, and it's not hard to do.

I love to golf. In my business, I have many opportunities to golf with men during the day and call it business. I never do - I would not be alone with a man who is not my husband, regardless of whether it is 'business' or otherwise.

One of my EPs for my FWH is that he is to never be alone with another woman unless it is his sister or mother. He cannot drive or ride alone in a car with a woman. He cannot text a woman or receive texts from them. I know the content of any call from a woman to him on his cell (we don't have a land line.) The only calls he has received are informational calls from his elderly mother's caregivers. I review the phone bill and know the owner of every number he calls or receives.

This is all painless. He doesn't care if he can't have a female friend who isn't a friend of mine. He doesn't feel lacking in not having a female friend. Because he is remorseful for his actions and doesn't want to repeat them.

If your WW is truly remorseful, these same constraints will not be a problem for her.

I think we're all saying the same thing. My "open, all-inclusive.." meant exactly that any opposite-sex friends of the wife has to be friends of the husband, and vice versa. Just as I described in the case of my African friends. So the rule renders less elegantly and succinctly than Mel's original, but is more pragmatic/workable:
"4. No more opposite sex friendships, except in the context of married couples who are friends of both of us."

I know that even that is no fail-safe.

Put another way: I don't want, have or need female friends who aren't or can't be friends with my wife, and vice versa...

I think all our Brain's hurt when it comes to infidelity and our hearts.

How's your exposing coming? I wouldn't tell your WW nothing about your plans of exposure. Do not tell her anything. You need to just do it.

I agree with ML and add, anyone who believes they are immune to affairs are vulnerable. My WH and I both thought we would never have an affair and had no respect for waywards. I now know thanks to MB they are the most vulnerable marriages. Affair proof your marriage no opposite sex friendships and no nights aways from each other.

Here from Dr. Harley.

From here Coping with infidelity: How affairs begin

Just finished clearing up after the party. Good time with friends and all our kids. WS paid us the courtesy of a flying visit -- arriving 2pm, leaving 9pm, lying in bed with a magazine some of the time, making a great show of helping me out from time to time, on the 'phone in the garden by herself some of the time, all the time fussing about why DD7 couldn't cut the cake early/earlier (so WS can get away to "my friend Lxxx's birthday: and no, OM isn't DJing at that party, just in case you're wondering").

She was aghast when I refused to give her a lift to the train station.

Remember all the honeyed words from above? Different mood tonight.

As I sit down now to compose the Exposure Private Messages, I am first dreading reading one particular "let's talk about our relationship" e-mail that WS sent to OM. It's very long, and when I saw it, I just filed it away. She used to write such discursive e-mail to me, and here she is, carrying on the seeming habit of a lifetime with another man while she is married to me. That, plus their semi-nude self-portrait in a mirror, plus her arranging for her hotel keys to be left at Reception for him, etc, are making my heart pound, my head hurt, and my stomach knot.

I will read that email now, but in the meantime I have a semi-related question: hand-on-heart, how much does retribution and punishment figure in one's REAL motivation for Exposure? I gotta tell you, although there is a veritable swirl of emotions within me right now, anger is figuring quite prominently!

Three paragraphs in:
"> You have let me down so many times over the past year that it is really hurtfull to be constantly lied to."

She wrote the email in Nov 2011. My suspicions and challenge to her were in Jan 2011.

Women are scary.

Exposure is shining the light on their dirty little secret.

For me it helped me say "I'm standing up and fighting for this marriage".

Send the messages right now. Expose this to the high heavens.

Seems the guy's a player -- but he believes she's playing him.

She's denying affections for some other guy about whom OM has challenged her. She's countering with charges relating to some foreign ex-girlfriend abroad:
"> You create dramas in our life and.."

'OUR LIFE'??????

"> You don't know how to treat a woman in your life. It seems to me that you want everything from me, but you aren't willing to do the same."

I feel like attaching this email to the Exposure letters!

TIPPING POINT:
"> To date you still haven't bothered finding a job, haven't done your CV, haven't looked at getting a bigger place - you have done nothing towards us coming together yet you declare that if we are together in 2yrs time you doubt you will be denying our relationship to people - you can't declare that without having pulled your finger out to make any of the above possible."

To another man from my wife, for whom I "tick every box"?!?!?!

Attachment email beckons!

You save that as proof. In your exposure letter you tell them you can provide proof if they want to see it.

I had emails and when people wanted to see my proof I sent them the emails.