Happy - thank you for your post! It helped me understand what I am going through now.

Thanks BH, I try really hard to stay focused, positive and strong. Its not easy, lots of tears and sad moments. I usually post after I've let it all out and re gathered myself. Putting it in writing seems to help and the wonderful support in MB land.

Estrela, your post made me teary. You are more than welcome I'm glad I have helped in some way.

That's why this is such a wonderful MB family.

We've all been where you're at and have felt your pain in one way or another.

Happy, how are you doing? Just thinking of you and hope you're having a good weekend

BH, it is a wonderful place and I should have relied on the MB family the last couple of days .. they've been tough.

Thanks Rainy, not such a great weekend. I've read the latest posting on your thread .. sorry I haven't been on. I'm really pleased you have had such a great reaction to exposure. I think the link was a great idea. I wish I had dated evidence I could post. I'm starting to think everyone believes the wayward story that they got together after we separated.

Please talk to us. What's been happening?

Yes, please do. Even if they had gotten together after you separated, you're still married! NOT okay.

happy, do post the latest here. i've been thinking about it ever since i read your email, and feel at a loss for any helpful response! two heads are good, a collective think will be better!

Sorry took a while to post web page expired when I submitted, had to re type.

The last few days have been tough. DD16 has been mising classes and the educational instituation require a meeting to discuss this. I have heard although not directly from DD16 that there is a potential sexual harrassment. I am obviously very concerned and am trying to find further details.

My instincts told me there was a problem, something was wrong as she has missed classes over a 3 week period. I thought Isildur & PEGI had badmouthed me again, as it was around the time of exposure. DD16 has been angry at me and ignoring my texts, she is not living at home at the moment. Long story but it's related to avoidance and not having to face our separation and Isildur is fueling her anger so he doesn't have to pay me CS for her. He is paying her direct although not the full amount... what 16yr old would refuse that.

Isildur has stated "She is also not enjoying the environment where she has been sexually harrassed. She also tells me that there is some strange concern about her and her mental state that seems to be coming from your conversations with the school. She is clearly in a good space from a mental perspective. All I can think is that you are projecting your own concerns on what you perceive DD16 to be. Please do not as this is making it even more uncomfortable for her."
"The danger is that she will simply drop out because of how uncomfortable you are making it for her at school."

I have expressed my concern to the school about her absence given she was enjoying the course, progressing well and her future plans. I expressed that she had been ill but I was concerned our separation (1st ref to it) may be impacting her studies. I certainly never mentioned her state of mind. It seems I am the scapegoat yet again.

Feeling disheartened by the lack of response to exposure I created a new FB a/c so I could see if anyone had commented on their FB a/cs or blocked them. I know I shouldn't when I'm dark. Sadly someone I believed would be supportive has this month become FB friends, after exposure. Isildur has posted on the day of exposure "madly in love with PEGI" obviously to counter exposure.

I feel as though I'm up against a brickwall, it appears everyone is either avoiding conflict or believes their "got together after separation" story. I feel betrayed, no one seems willing to stand/support our marriage or family. It sucks to feel like everyone is happy for me and the children to be discarded,so long as he is happy.

All our family are in OZ, most of our friends are in Oz or another city here (relocated 12mths ago). He doesn't socialise with friends here, so there is no one around to hold him accountable. Our family are avoiding conflict and tolerating PEGI for Isildur. No one is interferring with their fantasy, their lack of action validates his behaviour.

He is happily living a life of fun and no responsibilities (no children, using mortgage repayments to fund their lifestyle, holiday, shopping sprees, dining out) and socialising with her enabling friends. Why would he want to face reality, how can you compare a newish relationship with it's emotional high with a 20yr marriage.

He is so addicted and with no one holding him accountable, I know its going to be an uphill battle and it will take a long time for him to come out of the fog. It's frustrating no one is supporting our marriage or influencing him to end the A, it will have to take it's natural course.

I've also been thinking about his response to exposure, I know I shouldn't buts it's damn tough not to. I know it's untrue, foggy wayward babble at it's finest, but it really hurts. Its really having an impact ATM b/c Iam feeling sad,hurt and vulnerable.

It would be soo much easier if I didn't still love him, I'm sure lots of people are wondering how my LB$ are still intact with everything thats happened.

I had a dream last week, not the sort you should have when dark. I had another last night, Isildur wanted to return home and was going to start by visit ... obviously wishful thinking.

Sadly I also had a dream about PEGI (related to her text to want to discuss things & clear the air) I can't remember much except she wanted to talk about me packing a loaf of bread for DS6 ... odd I know.

Happy,your post spoke my mind.I think many of us can relate too.I still think you have planted the seeds of destruction in their withering garden despite of the lack of response from the exposure.Everyone knows about their dirty deeds and it puts stress on them.Yes,you cant compare a newish relationship with it's emotional high with a 20yr marriage.The higher the emotional high ,the harder they will fall when their A dies.I dont know about others but my LB$ balance is very volatile.Some days,I want my W back but other days,I want to call it quits and tell her to pack up.

EP: Good to know I'm not alone worrying about lack of response. I hope I have planted the seed and people will re think the story they have been told. Its frustrating and disheartenting though that no one appears to be speaking up.

I think your right about the stress it places on AP. My DS6 returned from his weekend visit. He told me they were sending messages and telling lies about them being married. He said he saw my name in the message Isildur was typing ....damage control!

This gives me some hope.

I believe he will fall hard not only b/c of his addiction, but when he faces the devastation his actions and ongoing behaviour have caused. Hard to believe he was anti affairs and had no tolerance or respect for any waywards.

Bumping this up, would appreciate feedback re post 2630102 - 05/26/12 09:12 PM (3 above this one, top of this pg no.50)

Particularly any re DD16 and Isildur's comments re her education.

Happy,

Am I understanding this correctly? You have a meeting at your DD16's school about her absences and it may involve sexual harassment? Who is the harassment from?

Who is your DD16 living with right now?

Sweet Happy,

First, I want you to know that your upbeat attitude and all your encouragement helped me so much with going into Plan B and exposure! Thank you! You even messaged me in the middle of the night during my first night of exposure, which really gave me strength, just to know that someone was there and thinking of me, wishing me well. Strange to me that you think you are not helping anyone. I know you are just a bit ahead of me, but that actually helped a lot because I knew it was fresh for you, you were in the middle of it, knew how it felt then and there. You just always seem so calm, so together, so positive - even in the midst of how hard this is. I greatly admire you.

I read back through some of your thread trying to find more info on the kids, but couldn't find it - I'm sure it's there, I didn't read everything. So do they have to go with WH? I know you are not in the U.S. Can you get a legal separation there in NZ? Maybe that would help you with child support/alimony payments while you get through this?

Teenagers are so hard. I have a 16-year-old daughter too. My DS 17 is the hardest for me, though - there's been so much drama with him and pinoke and me and just a big ugly mess. It seems like teenagers especially kind of feel out of control, which is understandable, so they try to exert control wherever they can. You're still the mom. I know it's hard, but don't let her treat you the way Isildur does. Be the strength she needs, even when she pushes against you to make sure you're really going to stand your ground for her. (Hard, I know, and easier said than done - but you can do it!)

And do whatever you can to build your relationship with her. That's actually what Steve Harley advised me to do when I asked him about my DS17. He said you can't control everything they do when they're teenagers, but do whatever you can to build the relationship, so he will want to listen to you, confide in you, and do what you ask. (Not give him everything he wants, but spend time with him, participate in his interests, listen to him, do simple acts of service for him, whatever works for that child).

For your DD to be out of the house, AND getting money from dad seems like a bad situation. I'm not sure if you mean the sexual harassment is from school? Or where she's staying? It sounds like she needs to be with you, where you can be involved in her daily life and know what's going on. Is that possible?

I don't think legally Isildur can pay CS to her. If you could get a legal separation, with you named as guardian (at least here in the U.S. you want to make sure it says "physical and legal custody"), he would have to pay you. Is there any way you can get her to come home? Or would that be more stressful for you? If not, at least maybe communicate with her or whomever she's staying with on a daily basis?

I finally went in and talked to my children's teachers and administrators to let them know what was going on. I know high school is a little different, but I teach elementary school and it makes a huge difference in how you handle a child as a teacher if you know there's some trauma going on in their lives. And it is a trauma - it does affect school work and friends and everything. They've lost their basic sense of security. Most teachers when they understand, even in upper grades, will be empathetic and cut the kid some slack, try to help them more. Is there a counselor at her school that you cold talk with? Ask him or her to check in with your daughter, keep an eye on her?

Maybe she needs some consequences too. She definitely should not be getting an allowance, a monetary reward for not living at home. Find out what you can do legally to at least take that away from her. And if you are in Plan B, you shouldn't be reading anything from Isildur, should you? Don't let a WH trigger you by telling you that you are a bad mom! You are a great mom!

I know how hard it is to still love your WH and miss who they were. So sad. Sad the mess they make in all areas of their lives, and the lives of the people who love them. It will come back around, though.

Do you work? It doesn't sound like it, but not sure. If your children are in school all day, would you feel better if you did? It might give you something to do , and get you out around people.

I saw that you want to write children's books. DO IT!!! I went through a dark time 10 years ago when WH had a brief EA. I had little children then, felt trapped, discouraged, powerless. I wrote a book. Put my DD5 on the kindergarten bus, my DS2 down for a nap, and wrote like crazy every day, stayed up at night and wrote. It took 5 re-writes, but I actually got the book published, and a 2nd one. That was the single most empowering thing I have ever done for myself. They wanted me to write more, and WH freaked out - he's very controlling. I gave up my power and caved to him - never should have done that. I started working again, and didn't have time to write with a regular job and being a mommy.

I have started writing again. I don't have a lot of time, but I'm working on it. It's very therapeutic. It's something that's easy to get lost in and feel passionate about, a happy way to take your mind off other things. You can create any world you want to in your stories:) I think you should do it, and I think you should get your books published, and don't let anyone stop you or tell you that you can't! You would feel so empowered, Happy, I know you would. And to create something that is yours, and to be able to share it, gives you a real feeling of joy. That would be joy just for you, from something you love, something you accomplished - nothing to do with Isildur or even your sweet kids really, although they could certainly share in your joy.

And can I tell you how proud my children were of me? I was actually kind of surprised at what a big deal it was to them in the end. They were a little annoyed with all the time I spent working on it, but when they saw my book, they were thrilled, they would tell everyone everywhere we went. They were even more thrilled when I listed all their names and dedicated the second book to them. And mine were not children's books, though I would like to write those too someday. Now, 10 years later when they are all much older, that's the one thing they all keep encouraging me to do. Even my DS19 calls and asks, "Are you writing, Mom?" They still remember what it did for me, for my self esteem and outlook on life. So sweet. And a good example to them of what to do, how to get strong and take care of yourself.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread here, but just to give you some strong encouragement!

I'm sad for the hurtful awful fb post that Isildur put up - so disgusting! But he doesn't know what love is, clearly. Love is not lust, or an addiction, or the high of an affair - leaving your family for such garbage. He knows that in his heart. The high will begin to wear off. Most people won't really support this, even if they are too spineless to stand up to it. It is sad that people you thought would support you would seem to betray you. But I think you might be surprised that others you may not have expected to will support you and stand up for you - even if you don't know about it. And don't snoop on there. It only gets you caught up in the obsession of a man who does not deserve your time or attention right now. Feel the freak-out need to do it . . . and then go do something else instead. We, as BS's have the maturity to make responsible decisions that are not run completely by emotion - leave the psycho garbage to Isildur and PEGI, until he turns back into himself.

An affair is based on lies, deceit, betrayal, selfishness, and pain to others. Two people willing to engage in it cannot possibly have a bright future together. They both know it's tainted, and it will begin to wear on them. You said PEGI has a history of this - she'll burn through him and move on.

I'm not sure if you are religious, but God or the universe or whatever you believe in is on your side. You are on the side of truth, right, light, and love. Darkness cannot compete with light. It will be dispelled eventually, and Isildur will come out of the fog, realize what he lost, and hopefully be willing to rebuild your marriage.

Sometimes, in my hardest moments, it has helped me to just take a few moments to myself, go somewhere quiet, close my eyes, breathe deeply, picture the man I knew and loved as my husband who is trapped in so much darkness, and just picture myself literally handing him over to God. Please take care of him, God, of everything that I can't. Then I just let go, picture God taking him into his arms, into his light, and know that He will take care of everything. Somehow we will all be okay, one way or another. It makes it easier to then go back to my life and take care of myself and children, at least for a little while.

It's okay to have bad days. You're okay. Your children are okay. I love Scarlett O'Hara sitting at the bottom of the stairs at the end of Gone With the Wind, with her world crashing down around her, she's about to fall apart - and then she stops herself, takes a deep breath, puts on a smile and says, "I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." And you just know she's going to conquer the world and everything will turn out fine. You go, Scarlett!

that was an amazing post, rainy. thank you.

Well, it was a bit long - had no idea til I posted it. I type as fast as I think which is sometimes not a good thing. So I'm glad if you got something out of it:)

DD16 attends a tertiary education although she is still officially enrolled in secondary (high) school. She is in her 2nd last yr of school. At the teriary institution she is completing a certificate course in her chosen field. She intends to commence a degree in 2 yrs. She is part of a small group that are the youngest students in the tertiary institution.

Yes there has been a reference to sexual harrassment, I'm not sure whether this is from a fellow student or someone within the campus. I am trying to find out details. Unfortunately DDS16 is angry with me and not returning my messages. I've been here before with her, Isildur had been fueling her anger and badmouthing me. PEGI had also been lying about me, even told her she had paid our bills b/c I had spent the money on something else ....grrr.

DD16 is staying with a friend's family. Originally it was to be a short visit, avoidance on her part, easier to ignore what was happening with Isildur and our family if she wasn't at home. Isildur rather than encourage her to return home, badmouthed me and fueled her anger. Even told her to say she wasn't returning home so he wouldn't have to pay me CS. Told her he would pay her the money instead. Of course he isn't paying her the full amount. Quite damagaging to our relationship. This was sorted after Easter and our relationship was on track again.

Unfortunately under our cazy law here b/c she is 16yrs I cannot make her return home. I have been trying to encourage her to return home. This is yet another consequence of the A, under normal circumstances pre A she would be at home.

Unfortunately the cracks began appearing again around the same time as I exposed, so I naturally thought Isildur & PEGI were at it again. My instincts told me soemthing was wrong and there was more to the absences than illness.

I am trying to contact the mother (nurse) of the family she is staying with.

Yes it was amazing Rainy and I will respond ... thought I'd let you know, it will probably take a little bit longer to answer your questions.