tell me about it! (i'm from CA too.) when we first moved here, you could buy a decent (older) house for under $200K. for example, the first house we lived in was 4 bedrooms (1 bath) on a 1/4 acre with two vegetablel gardens, apple, cherry, plum and apricot trees, plus blackberries and boysenberries around the garden. it cost $170. we put in a pool. we sold it when the market went up for $320, and bought our lovely home in the most desirable spot for just over $400K. then the market went through the roof! you could sell anything for any price; it was crazy. now, in our town, an average (older, unremodelled) house will run you about $300-350K. however, our rates (property taxes) are much lower (on our house, about $1800/year - we pay quarterly). that's about the only thing. you can get a "flat" (like a duplex, but just the half) for around $250K, and a small house in a bad neighbourhood for $180-230K. yes, we have bad neighbourhoods too. you can get a "leasehold" for which you pay an annual lease amount for the land, for around $150-170K, but the lease is on top of the rates and can be quite expensive. the resale value is not good. but sometimes you can get one cheap and freehold it (buy out the lease) cheaper as well. but not too often, i'm afraid.

update: had a HORRIBLE dream this morning. came into MB and posted: "now in plan D." dreamed H confessed to having sex with some slag at a bachelor party. he let slip something, and i said, "you have to tell me the truth" and he did. i went upstairs, helped him pack his bag, and told him to get out. i was cool on the outside, but screaming and weeping on the inside. dreadful feeling! terrible to wake up to. went and had a cuddle.

ok, off to work! busy day ahead.

Dreams can be horrid. I've been dreaming lately about Isildur. One dream was not the kind you want when your dark and missing your husband. The other 2 were all related to him wanting to reconcile and visiting home. It would be nice if they were premonitions rather than wishful thinking.

I also had a dream about PEGI ... yuck how did she slip her way into my peaceful slumber! We had that discussion she requested via text in RL, only in the dream it was about me packing a loaf of bread for DS6 visit ... odd I know, she is odd though in RL

our unconscious minds sure do give us trouble, don't they?

i've heard that we can manipulate our dreams. the next time PEGI enters yours, you can beat the crap outta her! of have her fall down a mine shaft. or something along those lines. that should help

i just need to vent.

background: i take a daily low-dose antibiotic to help cope with chronic sinus infections. i've been taking it for years, and countering with daily live yogurt to keep everything in balance (you ladies know what i mean). last year i was still sick a LOT, and had several doses of major antibiotics, and following used either the cream or the pills to handle "it."

for the last couple of months, i haven't been so great with the yogurt (i'm not a diary lover, and my daily schedule changed, knocking out the morning yogurt/protein smoothie). so...you know the drill: itchy!

yesterday i noticed a ...erm, (normal) discharge. i totally panicked. rang nurse, got appt, and said i wanted a sexual health check in addition to the thrush (yeast). i then got a very well-meaning yet totally useless talk about how if i don't 'trust' my H, then i must not be very happy and should consider my options (you know, the "you can't have a marriage without total unconditional trust; you should leave him because you deserve to be 'happy'" speech).

it's not that i think he may have had sex with the girl from march's mess; i believe in covering all bases. and if i was going to have to undress and have something stuck there, then we may as well go whole hog. i wanted the SHC to *confirm* nothing, not to prove something.

anyhow, the entire visit was totally humiliating and depressing (and my B12 is HIGH! how is that possible when i'm so tired?) and made me feel bad. this morning, now that's it's done, i'm sure it's just a chronic case of thrush due to the antibiotics. but i felt i needed to do the SHC anyhow for peace of mind (and not just randomly treat the chronic thrush w/OTC treatments).

thanks for letting me vent. no one else would get it!

and on the upside, a friend of Hs rang last night to enquire about doing something car-related on sunday, and his response was "nope. sunday is letty's day." that made me smile. he got a batch of double-chip brownies and toll house cookies in a silent response (and a fresh fish pie for dinner - one of his faves).

I think going to the doc for your peace of mind is what you needed. So good job on doing it.

Too bad you had to hear the "unconditional trust" crap, I mean speech.

Those dang antibiotics can do a number on the system.

yeah, between the antibiotics and the crap, well...ya know.

it's not going great this weekend. H had a bad day at work yesterday and today, and has been moody. we spent several hours together this afternoon, where he cut himself medium-badly with a pair of shears (while gardening). however, he has calmed, but isn't really "with" me, if you know what i mean. this makes me feel sad and lonely, but i'm not showing it to him - staying strong and "worth it." hopefully we will have a better evening and tomorrow (and monday is a holiday, yay!). he is also still quite sick nearly a week later. i've had it 3 weeks myself, so i know how it is to be tired, sick, and crabby. i will do some need meeting until he feels better. going to go ply him with OJ now.

I like that idea, it will be worth getting a good nights sleep

It's okay, Letty:) Very sweet that you baked for him, and that he said that - saved that day for you.

I hate those doctor visits. My doctor's medical assistant kept calling and leaving messages - I thought about AD refill or something, so finally called back. No, they were just reminding me it's time for my 6-month HIV check. Lovely. I hate the, "Why are you such a stupid idiot?" look they give you. I want to say, "Have you ever been in this situation? No? Then shut up." Good job taking care of yourself, Letty.

Do you ever take acidophilus? (Herbal kinda pills that help with positive yeast growth?) I'm sure someone's suggested that already, but I didn't see it on here, so just thought I'd mention it. I know there's an oral medication too - diflucan? Something like that.

Letty, I think you made the right decision to give you peace of mind. I'm sure it will prove to be related to the reduction of the yoghurt and antibiotics.

I can't believe the "well meaning nurse" even had this conversation with you.

What a boost, how wonderful to know you are a priority and hubby wants to spend time with you.

Letty I'm sorry the start to your long weekend hasn't been so good and added to the mix you were helping me this morning. I really appreciate your support I wish I had known you were having a rough morning. I'd better start thinking about those bottles of nail polish!

oh no, happy, he was at work then! no problem at all :O) when you come up north we'll have to have a girly slumber party! lol.

yes, rainy, i have taken it before. just got caught up being busy; you know how it is!

have just had nice dinner. now going to curl up in warm bed. i love that about winter (and it's about the only thing. as a california girl, i struggle with winter). so cold we all [cats too] snuggle in bed and read/watch tv/play board games. my mother makes me tell everyone about making up a nz winter bed, so for you americans, (and uk folks blessed with central heat) here it is:

1. strip bed
2. put woolen underlay (like a sheepskin rug with straps to hold it on) on bed
3. put electric blanket on bed (dual controls are best)
4. put flannel fitted sheet on bed.
5. put cotton bigger sized sheet on bed (i prefer the larger sizes for the regular sheets and blankets so we don't have to play "pull the covers on me" in the middle of the night)
6. put flannel top sheet on
7. put on cotton blanket
8. put on wool blanket
9. put on another wool blanket (etc, etc until comfort level reached)
10. put woolen duvet on bed
11. all pile into bed. works best when cats sleep under covers; eliminates need for hot water bottle! it's like having a purring hot water bottle at your feet. no, i have no idea how they breathe down there all night!
13. never underestimate the value of multiple flannel-covered pillows (females only, i believe)

oh, 12. don't forget to turn on dehumidifier so that you don't find water running down the windows and rotting the sills in the morning!

That makes me feel a little better. Girly slumber party sounds like a plan, if your down south we can have another!

Wow your winter bed sounds amazing. When we lived further south, I used polar fleece blankets (can't remember what their called) as sheets. They were warmer and softer than cold cotton sheets. We had 2 duvets on the bed.

Don't you love condensation on the windows, they call them "crying windows" in the Sth Is. We had a HRV system which was brilliant no more condensation. Thats my biggest bug bear during winter, drying window sills and windows if the weather doesn't allow for opening.

don't forget moldy curtains!

polar fleece blankets as sheets...i hadn't thought of that! H might like it. when we first came here, he was all "toughen up." he's one of those blokey blokes who wears shorts all winter.

but...now that he's over 50, that tune has changed a LOT! sometimes i will even catch him not only in jeans, but with a hat on! he will not wear the merino undershirts i bought him (what' up with that??). the reason i still use cotten (in addition to the flannel) is, being in my mid-40s now, i get...hot. hot a lot. so i can flip all the excess onto him and just have the lighter stuff on me!

we have been considering HRV. our house is lovely, but not newer, so not open plan (but three bloody storeys - that's a BAD idea if you're hitting middle age!), so heating is always an issue. we have two gas fireplaces (rubbish) but tend to use electric or portable gas in winter. our electric bill is astronomical - around $250/mo over winter.

solid frost out this morning. i can see it all over the park from my view. i'm sitting on the patio with three layers plus a wool blanket! pity i can't type well in gloves!

Grateful for a beautiful sunny day for once! Strange to hear about winter. It's been unusually cold here lately, til the last little bit. Summer makes me sad, though. Used to be a happy time. Can't afford to put the yard in that pinoke never finished, so can't plant flowers. Oh, well. At least there's sun through the windows.

I cannot believe the making of the bed story. I think I would die, Letty. Is it really humid there? I guess it must be, or you wouldn't have moisture on the windows. Why no central heat? Perhaps you could start a business to introduce it and get rich? No natural gas resources? Strange.

I'm glad your H is working on things, and home with you. Nice to read that on someone's post.

I forgot about the mouldy curtains. You have to open the curtains even if its cold so they don't get damp and mouldy.

I recommend the HRV, it was the best thing we did our last home - 100yr old villa, it made a huge difference, everything was drier and a couple of degrees warmer (even tho not a heating sytem) as they transfer some of the heat from the roof space.

We used to have heavy frosts in the Sth Is and council would grit the roads (lots of hills), we don't get them here. We had a slight snowfall last winter, first in 50yrs. DD6 misses the snow, he used to love playing in it in the backyard.

well, it's 7.20 am here, and i'm already off to a really chitty day. and i don't even have time to write about it, grr! despite chanting to myself, "marathon, not sprint," i completely forgot last night! i don't know who i'm angry with - probably me! guess i will go to work and have a good think. will let you all where my head is when i get home. i could really use the advice.

yes, we had a lovely 3-day weekend. then i blew it. :-(

You okay, Letty? Haven't heard from you. Wondered how you "blew it." I'm sure you probably didn't really, even though it may have felt that way. Just checking on you.

oh, it sure did this morning. i'm actually glad i didn't have time to hash it all over. despite such a lovely 3 day weekend, last night i felt incredibly unfilled EN-wise. i was really out of sorts about it.

H came home early today (before me, even), and we were able to have a really good talk about the differences between his needs and mine, and *how* to fill them, *every* day. i also realised during the course of the afternoon that he never had been exposed to the fallout (on me) of his mistakes. because we had such a chitty IC who didn't allow any "past talk," my pain had always been concealed. so i shared it with him today, with writings from the past about my terror and other feelings. not in a blamey way. how i felt unmoored, adrift, and out of control of my life. (and how i cried alone in the shower for 6 months, among other things.) knowing the true pain caused will help him understand me more, i think.

i feel we are in a better place tonight than last night. or at least i feel much better now. oh - he brought me flowers, too, which was nice. just because. and tuesday night is a regular "pizza and game of thrones night" for us, which was a great restorer (bring together) way to spend the evening. i love not having to come home and cook on a tuesday!

some of the things we discussed were the differences in RC (his need) and affection (mine), conversation (his) vs openness and honesty (mine). and sf - oddly, mine! that's the trouble with a man over 50 - they soooo don't need it as much any more, and a woman in her mid-40s, well...you'll see!

i think an eye-opening comparison for him was about saying "i love you." when he was getting ready to have his a, he felt as if i didn't love him any more. i told him i loved him every day, but our lives were distinctly separate, and surprise, surprise, he didn't FEEL loved. so i compared that to him telling me now. even if he tells me every day, not filling my ENs the way i need them filled is the same as when he felt unloved. i think it finally sunk in then - that "ooooooh" moment. i never again expect to hear: "but i *tell* you i love you!"

as long as you're here, rainy, i see i forgot to put in the step on giving your link a name so it's clickable.

it should look like this:

bracket url=http://www.your link/]What you want to call it[/url]

does that make sense? don't use any spaces, and make sure the first word, bracket, is an actual "[" every time i tried to leave it there, it made a clickable link!

thanks for checking in :O)

Hi Letty, Just checking in to see how you are after this mornings post. Thinking of you, wanted to let you know I'm here and will keep checking in. Take care my friend.

Letty,

Just remember that even in the best recovery stories there are down moments as well as up. We all experience the dips. In fact, I think it's natural that it starts occurring as recovery really starts to progress.

When you first reconcile, the relief of knowing your spouse is committed keeps everything sort of surreal. For a lot of couples, hysterical bonding occurs which brings you back together and really bolsters the relationship and PEA chemicals. As things slide into a more normal pattern, you start to feel safe: safe enough that your subconscious starts to bring back the terrible moments of pain you have to deal with.

I have been exactly where you are. I have felt at times that my H will never really know the pain he put me through. When he was wayward, he didn't care and was blinded by it. When he left...it was hidden from him. When he returned, I didn't talk about it. You get to a point where you want them to understand it - and to feel remorse for it. That's natural.

Just keep in mind, these new habits aren't always natural and that's why it's so great to have the program to guide you into new habits. As long as you are telling your H what you need and he is attempting to meet those needs, you will continue to progress. It may be slow at times, but slow and steady wins the race!