I will break down the details for you as best I can. I am lost, confused, hurt, angry - you name it, I got it. And I know if you're on this board, I can only imagine you have been here, too.

I've read HNHN, numerous other articles on this site, and have just started trying to get through as many message board posts as I can to learn and understand.

I am the cheater. I am the wife. We have two children. We have been married for 15 years. The OM is a divorcee. We met via a contract work position last year and essentially were introduced via my hairstylist who is also his DD. The introduction started off as friendly conversation and led to an EA that lasted 7 months or so. PA happened and only lasted two months.

D-Day was 12/09/11. Husband called me at work and demanded my email password. He had suspicions because I had previously told him I was feeling very lost and empty. He knew of the OM but did not at the time know it had turned to a PA. He found an email that exposed the EA.

The PA had ended two weeks prior to D-Day because I wanted to put an end to the pain of it all.

I never intended to do this to my DH. I honestly never even thought I was capable of doing this. I know that probably sounds wrong since I did do it, but I am a very down to earth person with very strong morale beliefs and convictions. This event has rocked me to the core and I pretty much hate my self what I have done and what I have caused.

DH went on a rage on D-day which led me to a panic attack and ended up in the ER. He smashed his company vehicle windshield with his fist. He broke his cell phone. He punched walls at the hospital. He took my cell phone and texted almost everyone in my contact list including co-workers, friends, family. He logged in to my Facebook account and put extremely nasty status updates on there which ultimately led to the cops showing up at our house because he said he threatened my life and a concerned friend called 911.

That evening, I left the home with our 2 children for safety reasons. He was uncontrollable. He went on a drunk rage and damaged things in our home. He took everything out of our closet that was mine and threw it across the bedroom. Jewelry, makeup, etc. You name it. If it was mine, it was on the floor. Even my wedding dress. He admitted to wanting to cut that up but he didn't.

All I could keep saying was that I was sorry for what I did. But he kept raging. And the verbal abuse continued. And here we are 6 months later and it has settled a little, but every day he has questioned me to the point I am numb.

The marriage counseling only lasted 4 sessions. It was with a LMFT and we felt we were not making any progress so we quit. That was probably our first mistake. We should have looked for a better counselor.

5 months after D-day I read HNHN and found this website.

Last week, I had slip up. I re-contacted the OM via email because I had seen him on the freeway the night before. It was an email that simply stated "hope the traffic is better tonight than it was last night" - his response was "hope so, motorcycles like to go fast". And after that, I had no more contact because I felt absolutely ashamed of my breech of No Contact.

I did not mention to to DH because I did not want to bring back his anger and I knew in my heart I would not contact again based on how horrible I felt for doing so.

DH ended up getting a "gut" feeling and went and sat outside the OM's house. He was confronted by OM's male roommate who asked him to get off the property. DH contacted OM via cell phone & email. I do not know all the details of that contact.

DH posed as that OM and sent me an email. I responded knowing the email address was different than OM's and figured it was DH. This sparked DH to ask for my work email password. I could not provide that due to company policy but we started going through them together. And then I got nervous because I knew I had sent that one email a week prior and not told DH about it. I told DH about it and he was upset all over again. Rightfully so.

But his anger has caused AO's, DJ's and extremely hurtful words to be said on his part (and in front of our youngest son) and for 3 days now, I have been the one to just sit here and take it. Until he told me to get out. At which point, I took our youngest with me (oldest was at a camp for the weekend). I went to a safe place because I was scared. I have been out of the home for the past 2 nights.

He's demanding I come back home. He claims he loves me. But, he has posted Craigslist ads seeking "companionship". He has answered ads and even had a date set up for this past weekend. He goes to strip clubs. He wanted to have a 3-some or more and took me to a "big O" event. Then blamed it all on me. He has told me several times that he is done and wants a divorce. He tells me he can't live with such a cold person. He has told me I should be begging for his forgiveness and I should want to make it up to him for the rest of my life.

He wants me to show him love, affection, sex, etc. and yet, I am so hurt not only by what I did, but also by what he has done that I am just not even open to all of that. I want to heal from all of this, but it's like he keeps picking the scabs off just as they are starting to form.

I am in a position today where I feel like I cannot get past the verbal abuse or the emptiness I have inside me. And he is demanding answers and promises again or he "will proceed with a divorce".

How do you know if after all of the hurt and pain caused to both that you can rebuild? In 6 months I have not even felt it was possible. And today I'm not even sure if I want to continue to try. The pain is that deep.

I should also mention that I did switch jobs immediately after D-day.

I also have had weight loss surgery and not sure if any of you have dealt with that before, but there is a whole other set of emotions and chemical reasons for some of what I have been dealing with.

UPDATE: DH just sent me an email telling me that all he's ever wanted from me was closeness and that he's tired of the lies and deceit and that we need to be done and end this.
How do you know what is the right thing to do at this point?

You need to put down the shovel crzy8. Your BH's reactions are not acceptable but they are understandable. BH is not picking scabs...the wounds are still open and bleeding. You are rubbing salt into them too.

Welcome to MB.

You are still cheating. And lying about it.

Your husband is doing these things to hurt you, because he does not know how to manage his hurt and anger. He wants to inflict the same damage on you.

This thread is entirely about your pain and not the pain you have caused your family. Contact was a week ago, a pointless contact that was friendly banter and could easily be seen as an attempt to re-enter OM's life.

Are you actually serious about this? If so we can help but your words say otherwise.

I am absolutely astonished at the abject cruelty in your post. You drive your husband almost crazy with your affair and what do you do? You contact the OM again! are you serious? You are the rapist who complains that your rape victim is screaming too loud while you rape him over and over and over again. And you have the NERVE to come here and tell us you are the victim?

Ma'am. If you want your victim to stop lashing out, THEN STOP RAPING HIM. He is responsible for his outbursts but you are responsible for your cruel, abusive behavior. The fact that you told us about your affair and then commenced to cite a long list of his bad behavior is a reflection of someone who is not remorseful.

You have to FIRST stop the affair. STOP deceiving him. Open up your life in a way that is is impossible to contact that filthy PIG again.

I would go to your husband with hat in hand with a sincere no contact letter and an appointment with a polygraph tester and ask him to give you another chance. You sure as hell do t deserve it, but it is worth a try.

Has,your affair been exposed to your families and your children?

Also, I don't believe your recent contact with the OM was the only contact. That is bullsh**. That just happens to be the one contact your husband caught you at. I suspect what has driven your husband so crazy is that he suspects you are still in contact.

Frankly, if you were my spouse, I would kick you to the curb. No one is worth this much aggravation. After he took you back and gave you another chance, what do you do? You continue your affair! Unbelievable!

How sad that you would do that to your husband and your children.

Put down the shovel?
Okay. I guess when hurting, people do things they would not rather admit to. But I came here to clean up. Thank you for the welcome.

The saying goes, when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

MelodyLane - your words are harsh but I am trying to swallow them the best I can. I know via messageboarding, that is isn't always easy to explain everything that has transpired. But I shared what I could get out and I wanted to try to portray both sides. I guess I did not do a very good job and I will sit and re-read the thread so I can come to an understanding and accept responsibility for my own actions let alone what my BS is doing and saying. I guess because I have always had a bad self image and bad self esteem for being morbidly obese most of my life, I will just sit here and take his verbal abuse so I can sink into an even deeper depression. I have tried to be loving with him but when he sticks his male member in my face and says "suck his [censored]" - is that loving? You have no idea! But, yes, I am absolutely sorry for what I did and like a drug, I had a slip up and chose to be done and come clean. Part of me coming and posting to the MB site is my way of getting clean.

Yes, our 8 & 10 year old are aware because BS made comments in front of them. The 10 yr. old is in counseling because he's been on the receiving end of his Dad's anger.

Yes, both families are aware. All friends are aware. All co-workers are aware. I have no friends left. I have been overloaded at work because of this. Trust me, I am carrying my load and then some. And I'm still supposed to have a great loving attitude? Wow.

And I have told my BS to leave me because I do not deserve him. I hate putting him through this. But he also has offered no hope of rebuilding by his actions and words either. Because one day he can say it and the next five are a whole other story.

I will remain here and I will try my hardest because I do care. TYVM.

crzy8s, what did you come here for exactly?

Do you want to learn how to recover your marriage? If so, we can help you, but it isn't going to be easy. We are gonna call you on the bullsh, and we aren't going to be easy on you. Are you willing to do the work? It's your choice, but I would like to know upfront, so I don't waste time on someone who isn't serious. What will that choice be?

Yes, please. I will do my best.

This post is all about you and how bad you feel. You are the cheater; your husband is the one who has been kicked in the face by you. Imagining �you have been here, too.� shows that you are comparing your pain to the pain of the betrayed, a group that includes your husband. You have also created damage for your children. There is NO comparison. Your pain does not equate to his pain, and you are the one who caused all of it.

You need to wake up and realize how much you are focusing on yourself. THen you can start to fix things. We'll try to help you open your eyes. It won't be fun.


1. �The introduction started off as friendly conversation and led to an EA that lasted 7 months or so. PA happened and only lasted two months.�

Things �led to an EA� and the �PA happened�. This passive voice attempts to deflect the responsibility you have for the choices you have made.

2. �The PA had ended two weeks prior to D-Day because I wanted to put an end to the pain of it all.�

You could mean that you wanted to stop hurting your husband, but it sounds like you mean you wanted to stop your own anguish. Besides, you couldn�t stop hurting your husband by keeping all of this secret from him. He has a right to know how his life is running, and that includes a right to know what his wife is doing so that he can then decide for himself if he wants to save this marriage with you, or get rid of you.

3. �I never intended to do this to my DH. I honestly never even thought I was capable of doing this. I know that probably sounds wrong since I did do it, but I am a very down to earth person with very strong morale beliefs and convictions. This event has rocked me to the core and I pretty much hate my self what I have done and what I have caused.�

This is self-defensive. It is an attempt to deflect from the horror by saying how down to earth, moral, and convicted you are. Fact is, you are none of these things. You have proved that, so you can�t claim these characteristics at this time. You thought you were those things, and you wanted to be those things, but when the challenge came you failed. You can become those things if you do the work. It is possible for you to grow into the person you�d like to become, but you have to let go of your self focus, open your heart, and listen to the experts here They will smack you around; it is for your own good and it is especially for the good of your husband and children.

4. �DH went on a rage on D-day which led me to a panic attack and ended up in the ER. He smashed his company vehicle windshield with his fist. He broke his cell phone. He punched walls at the hospital. He took my cell phone and texted almost everyone in my contact list including co-workers, friends, family. He logged in to my Facebook account and put extremely nasty status updates on there which ultimately led to the cops showing up at our house because he said he threatened my life and a concerned friend called 911.�

All about you again with your panic attack. Poor you ended up in the ER due to a panic attack and it was all his fault right? WRONG! Rages are scarey I agree, but consider this: HE DID NOT HIT YOU. If he was so angry that he was smashing things, and none of those things was your face, I�d say he is pretty safe. He has passed the test of �Is there anything that could make you hit your wife?� Apparently for him, the answer is �Absolutely Not.�

5. �That evening, I left the home with our 2 children for safety reasons. He was uncontrollable. He went on a drunk rage and damaged things in our home. He took everything out of our closet that was mine and threw it across the bedroom. Jewelry, makeup, etc. You name it. If it was mine, it was on the floor. Even my wedding dress. He admitted to wanting to cut that up but he didn't.�

Same as above about him being a danger to you or the children. He is apparently not a danger to living things; only to inanimate objects. I do agree on getting the children out of the house because rage and throwing things can cause accidental physical injury and definite emotional injury to children, but your post goes to the dramatic side regarding physical safety. It makes it look again like you think your husband has the largest blame for current circumstances despite the fact that you cheated.

6. �All I could keep saying was that I was sorry for what I did. But he kept raging. And the verbal abuse continued. And here we are 6 months later and it has settled a little, but every day he has questioned me to the point I am numb.�

I think you need to back off on this focus on his �verbal abuse� of you and his rage. He has questioned you and questioned you and questioned you because he has that right. With you in your �poor me� defensive mode, he�ll never be satisfied with your answer. You need to grovel and adopt the attitude that you know what you did to him was hideous. You need to know in your heart that you have destroyed his trust, broken his heart, and taken much away from his self esteem. You did this to him and you are the only one who can fix it. You can�t fix it until you stop worrying about yourself.

7. �Last week, I had slip up. I re-contacted the OM via email because I had seen him on the freeway the night before. It was an email that simply stated "hope the traffic is better tonight than it was last night" - his response was "hope so, motorcycles like to go fast". And after that, I had no more contact because I felt absolutely ashamed of my breech of No Contact.�

You made a choice; you did not have a slip up. No amount of professing the shame you feel lets you off the hook. You can�t fix your marriage or begin to help your husband heal until you commit to No Contact with this OM. No Contact is absolute. Your husband and having an intact family for your children must become more important to you than contacting the OM for any reason. At this point in time, your husband and an intact family rank behind sending an email to the OM; the email was the most important thing.

8. �I did not mention to to DH because I did not want to bring back his anger and I knew in my heart I would not contact again based on how horrible I felt for doing so.�

Once again you want to talk about how horrible you feel for your choices rather than focusing on what you can do to help your husband and family heal.

9. �DH ended up getting a "gut" feeling and went and sat outside the OM's house. He was confronted by OM's male roommate who asked him to get off the property. DH contacted OM via cell phone & email. I do not know all the details of that contact.�

He is having to play like a spy because you refuse to put all of your cards on the table. He might still play like a spy even if you do, but in the long run trust can be regained. You will never regain trust as long as you continue to lie, even by omission.

10. �DH posed as that OM and sent me an email. I responded knowing the email address was different than OM's and figured it was DH.�

I don�t understand why you did this. Can you explain?

11. �I told DH about it and he was upset all over again. Rightfully so.�

Good.

12. �But his anger has caused AO's, DJ's and extremely hurtful words to be said on his part (and in front of our youngest son) and for 3 days now, I have been the one to just sit here and take it.�

This statement is so bad and self centered that I hope you get it with me going for nasty sarcasm:
�Well then. You should just kick his sorry butt out of the house and divorce him. How dare he use hurtful words against you when all you did was cheat, lie, cheat, lie. Your husband must be some kind of monster. And good on you for being such a martyr that you can tell us how you sat there and took it. I�d say you have paid your dues so it�s all OK now. I suppose if his words were that you are a cheater, a liar, an excuse maker, a truth deflector, and one who has no clue how to step up to the plate - - we�ll, he might have been right about you, but he shouldn�t say it out loud and be so offensive. Really! I never heard of such an awful man in all my born days!�

13. �I went to a safe place because I was scared. I have been out of the home for the past 2 nights.�

Deflecting Drama Queen Style eh? You know that you have done the worst thing you could do to him, and he didn�t hit you. Pretending to yourself that you are scared of physical violence, and trying to get us to pretend along with you, does nothing to help this situation.

14. �He's demanding I come back home. He claims he loves me. But, he has posted Craigslist ads seeking "companionship". He has answered ads and even had a date set up for this past weekend. He goes to strip clubs. He wanted to have a 3-some or more and took me to a "big O" event. Then blamed it all on me. He has told me several times that he is done and wants a divorce. He tells me he can't live with such a cold person.�

This is where the pros on this board can help you. He has done wrong, but his wrongs don�t make your wrongs right.

15. �He has told me I should be begging for his forgiveness and I should want to make it up to him for the rest of my life.�

He says these things because you are not doing what must be done to right the horrible wrong you have done. Also, you post sounds like you disagree with him that you have a lot of work to do to gain forgiveness.

16. �He wants me to show him love, affection, sex, etc. and yet, I am so hurt not only by what I did, but also by what he has done that I am just not even open to all of that. I want to heal from all of this, but it's like he keeps picking the scabs off just as they are starting to form.�

He is telling you how to start to fix this, if it can be fixed. You follow that up with a �but� and point the finger at him. You came here to ask for help, so start helping yourself by stopping with your reports of how bad he is doing in this marriage. The people here can�t help him if he isn�t here asking for help; they can only help you.

I do get how difficult it might be to show affection and have sex. I vote you �Fake it to make it.� It will be hard at first, but if you get honest with yourself and him, and if you seriously commit to the marriage vows you took, the affection and enjoyment of sex will become genuine.

17. �I am in a position today where I feel like I cannot get past the verbal abuse or the emptiness I have inside me. And he is demanding answers and promises again or he "will proceed with a divorce". How do you know if after all of the hurt and pain caused to both that you can rebuild? In 6 months I have not even felt it was possible. And today I'm not even sure if I want to continue to try. The pain is that deep.�

You came here to cry for sympathy. You will not get that here, and really you shouldn�t get it anywhere. That kind of sympathy is a teaching path towards entitled bratt-dom. Buck up and stop your tears. You caused a mess and you need to clean up that mess, period. Even if you end up divorced, you can become a better person by doing the work you will be required to do by the marriage builders plan and by all the experts that post here on the forum.

I wish you well.

You can't just do your BEST. You need to do EVERYTHING that is asked of you. And no running away, calling us all meanies, and horribly bitter BSs. There is A LOT of help within this site, and you would do well to acknowledge everyone who posts to you.

First, you are going to have to read through this site, and learn how to recover from your affair. And the first step in that is going to be No Contact for LIFE with OM. You will do this by writing a NC Letter, based on the one in SAA, which your BH approves of, and then mails. Then, you are going to change your email addresses, phone numbers, and any other way OM can contact you. You will give your BH all of your passwords, etc, and will allow him to do whatever needed to keep an eye on you.

Read through the site, and post any questions you may have. Also, be sure to answer the questions of the posters who take the time to post to you. Pay particular attention to the posts that anger you, they are most likely the ones that will help you most.

I will, thank you.

I will be going through your response more thoroughly and responding more adequately when time allows (I'm at work right now). Thank you.

I'm not one of the experts and am mostly a lurker. I just could really see your "fog" and want you to have that light bulb come on that makes you wake up and look outside of yourself. You are fortunate to have experts already here; for example, Melody Lane and Scotland. Keep improving and they'll stick with you. Keep a head in the sand and they'll eventually give up on you because they'll have better things to do with their time.

Absolutely. I understand. Thank you.

There�s a lot of tough medicine here, crazy, but you seriously need to listen and take the criticism to heart. We champion FWW�es on this board and applaud recovery when it happens.

I understand your H�s pain. I�ve been there. You say and do things when you�re in that kind of pain which you normally would never do at all. You do this out of anger. You do it because you feel lost and out of control.

Yes, some of his behavior is not ok, but you need to focus on YOU right now and fixing the things that are wrong.

This starts with writing a no contact letter, approved by and mailed by your H. There needs to be a full confession with all the details of the affair. You have to be willing to give up all passwords, accounts, and phones.

I recommend he come here and open his own thread so he can get support from others who have been in his shoes.

t/j GUH, Don't cut yourself short. Your post was excellent. It showed a great understanding of Wayward fog, and you took the time to post. GREAT JOB. end t/j