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BrainHurts: snap! I'm leaving the office early to pack all her things into the cars. I'm calling a locksmith today to come tomorrow. And I'm making it clear tonight that she's not spending tonight or any other night under that roof - so long as she's maintaining her relationship with OM ("I'm completely in love with him! There you have it!") and if the police have to get involved, that's fine. Spoke to lawyer today after confronting WS, having spoken to lawyer 2wks ago before confronting WS: says I'm legally within rights to change locks on my property, and criminal damage (eg brick thru window) will be prosecuted.
HF66: Good luck with yours. Btw, I was only expecting a reaction from WS - not from anyone else.
All: Plan B is tricky, cos I don't have (English Law) "Parental Responsibility" for stepson ("DS12"?). I would rather stepson and WS left. Any ideas? Wow a fire has been lit. Sorry that she's a foggy wayward, but your doing the best thing in fighting for your DD7. Can you talk to your lawyer about your stepson? I hate to say it but you probably won't have much to stand on. I would definitely see if you can get something about visitations in hour decree, but if his dad is involved it might be tough. I think you trying to fight for him says loads to him. So start on writing that Plan B letter and post here for feedback. Also you need an IM. Can you get one lined up? Send them the IM link I posted.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How does one nominate an IM?!
Meanwhile (7.32pm) WS is on her way home now, and I'm packing bin-liners with her stuff, for stowing on the stoop/in the car. She's thinking she can negotiate with me so I "give her some time to find somewhere to stay" -- but she doesn't understand.
She's accused me of blackmailing her, even!
Blackmail? "Well, you're saying I can only stay here/home if I break up with OM."
To say I'm speechless..! (What was that thread about pieholes again?!!)
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Dunno about this IM business...
I haven't written the Plan B letter. And I read somewhere about "don't rush into Plan B". But I can't wait, now that a) I have incontrovertible proof; and b) she has declared "I'm totally in love with him!" ("The dynamics of our friendship changed, and it became love.") Huh? Piehole bingo..!
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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How does one nominate an IM?!
Meanwhile (7.32pm) WS is on her way home now, and I'm packing bin-liners with her stuff, for stowing on the stoop/in the car. She's thinking she can negotiate with me so I "give her some time to find somewhere to stay" -- but she doesn't understand.
She's accused me of blackmailing her, even!
Blackmail? "Well, you're saying I can only stay here/home if I break up with OM."
To say I'm speechless..! (What was that thread about pieholes again?!!)
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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You are doing great! Just stand your ground. It is not blackmail to insist that someone stop abusing you. Dont' let her manipulate you with that lame bullcrap! Hang in there! I am most proud! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I replied that I'd unwittingly subsidised her affair for two years - including when I had NO income.
She has since continued with a torrent of messages about me being "unhinged" for sending the email, "making yourself look like an idiot", "people usually deal with this sort of thing in private", "you are living in a parallel universe", "you are a desperate psycho" etc...
. Texts and emails: Before you send anything, imagine what you are about to say being shown on a huge screen in court. You're doing fine so far. Never "vent" to your WW. Come here to vent. WW , on the other hand, is making critical errors with her messages to you. Keep them, just in case. Carry on .......  PS From now on, Instead of saying "Your affair", say "Your adultery." That may cause WW to write crazier stuff, which you keep a record of. OM is never referred to by his name without this added .. "Your adultery partner, OM". 
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Took police presence to "keep the peace". Cop was meant to leave only after she left - but he left when she went into neighbour's house. Thereafter, she started saying she was sorry to have hurt me, and that that was never her intention. She went into the sordid genesis of their adultery (I learn fast, Pepperband! :-). I got preachy, then caught myself and took off upstairs to put the kids to bed (9.45pm). By the time I got back down (10.15pm), she was gone. Back to neighbour's - old drinking partner, single mum with an extra room. Join the dots...
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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But you know what touched me the most? I'll lay it out as a contrast. All day, WS has been going at me for being such an idiot/nut-job/weirdo for sending the Exposure email to her friends, declaring that they'd all been calling and txting to check her well-being and that they all agreed I was an idiot/nut-job/weirdo.
Except just now, I've seen a reply from one of her friends - her oldest friend from age 14, no less:
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Dear BS,
I can see that you must truly love WS & your children. You are brave and courageous to reach out, took a lot a guts and humility.
I have not spoken to WS about this yet but I will hopefully soon.
Take care,
Best-Friend
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(So evidently it wasn't ALL of WS's friends who were supporting her and bagging me out.. :-)
Very touched, and a bit surprised, and pleasantly surprised: no-one would've batted an eyelid if Best-Friend had adhered completely to WS. Haven't composed a reply to Best-Friend yet, but she deserves a very good one.
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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WS just called me to say OM's just realised that some Fb messages went out to OM contacts. She even had a Freudian slip: "WE were wondering..." then she stopped and corrected herself "I was wondering..." but it was too late. "WE". Wow. I simply put the phone down, without hanging up, on the sofa across the room...
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Oh. WS told me "it's over", that reconciliation couldn't happen, that any hope of it disappeared when I sent Exposure missives. Any point doing a Plan B letter and appointing an IM?
(Forgive me if I'm asking a newbie question to which I ought to know the answer...)
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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(So evidently it wasn't ALL of WS's friends who were supporting her and bagging me out.. :-) It was not her "friends" who were supporting her adultery but her partners in CRIME. They care nothing about her. That one friend who wrote you that note really does care.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh. WS told me "it's over", that reconciliation couldn't happen, that any hope of it disappeared when I sent Exposure missives. Any point doing a Plan B letter and appointing an IM?
(Forgive me if I'm asking a newbie question to which I ought to know the answer...) I would hold off on Plan B, and focus on getting really good legal protection for now. I agree that reconcilation cannot happen as long as she continues her affair and cats around like an alley cat in heat. I would agree with her when she says reconcilation can't happen. When she says that, tell her you might consider forgiving her but it would take alot of work on her part. She would have to work very hard to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested: 1. end all contact with the OM for life 2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle 3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc 4. no more opposite sex friendships 5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph 6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage. Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh. WS told me "it's over", that reconciliation couldn't happen, that any hope of it disappeared when I sent Exposure missives. Typical wayward response. They need something to "blame" for their ending the M. Resist the attempt to reason with her at this point. It should be clear to everyone else you've exposed to that, if your M does end, it would be because of her adultery.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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You did a great job, my friend! You have just expressed to her that you are a husband and not her weekly flop house while she carries on her affair. She can either step up to the plate and act like a wife, or you will be better off without her.
And MIM is exactly right. Her reaction of "there is no chance of reconciliation now!!" is CLASSIC. She is apparently under the illusion that she had a chance while behaving in such a despicable, cruel manner.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Because of WS's adultery and departure, I don't really feel like keeping step-son DS12. Maybe I should feel all paternal towards him and all, but I don't at this point. I am strongly minded to insist that WS take DS12 with her, and leave DD7 with me. Sad, but it's the truth...
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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You are the only one he has right now. And depending on custody laws/etc you may not even have rights to DSS12. It depends where you live.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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He has his mother: WS is leaving me, not DS12...
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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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