So streaming mad right now. I was digging into the bowels of her FB account and found a set of people that were blocked. I think I said earlier in my thread that she had agreed to end contact with everyone that associated with both OMs. I looked at her block list and found names I had seen before, two from our high school (one that was a previous boyfriend) and one unknown. Why would she take extra precautions to block them? I'm afraid I might have found OM's #3, 4, and 5.

Just feel shell shocked right now. I'm getting ready to explode. She could tell too, but I explained it away with being tired the best I could. I don't have any confirmation of inappropriate interaction between any of them, but I mean... look at her history.

That said, nothing out of the ordinary on her phone today. I get the opportunity to check out all the spare phones we have around here tomorrow. There might just be a snap decision to donate them to charity once I'm done looking.

Calm down and breath. You're ultra sensitive right now. I know it doesn't look good right now.

Keep your Intel going and cross that bridge if you find out more information on other OM.

Update:

Went to MC for the week. It was the last time we'll be visiting him. I asked him some questions about some MB concepts. Needless to say he's a kook.

The subject of sending NC letters came up, and WW's idea of a good NC letter is crap.

Got a chance to check the login/logout log on her computer, and found that she actually spends far less time on her computer than I thought she did. Same is true for the other computers in the house. There also haven't been any new pictures/videos/etc. that have recently been deleted on her computer. I'm starting to think I've put myself through a few months of unnecessary torture.

Still waiting for SAA to come in the mail. The anxiety is really getting to me.

Even if you find nothing on the computer, new pictures or videos...that solves nothing. If she is in an active A she could be on to your snooping and have gotten much more savvy in her techniques. But even if she doesn't have anything currently going on, there is much in her past that raises suspician and she has admitted to serial cheating, so you need to stay the course here.

I believe it was suggested to you to have her take a poly. Are you considering that? You have at least two A's to recover from, gaslighting, trickle truthing, and general deception galore...you have a lot of work to do for recovery. You can NOT fully recover this marriage if she is still deceiving you. She needs to give you radical honesty about her past A's and anything else you don't know. There are many things that did not make sense about her past A's yes? Little red flags throughout your marriage that make you question if there is more? How do you expect to work on recovery when those questions still linger? Get the poly. Then, you will have the truth about your life and know whether you want to continue with recovery with a clean slate, or not.

If you suggest the poly and she gives you excuses as to why she can't take one, there's your answer. If she enthusiastically agrees, do not take it off the table because 'she must be telling the truth if she agrees.' Also, many WS's confess to SOMETHING (but not everything) right before a poly, just to get the poly called off. So no matter how she responds, you see it through to the end. If she has told you everything, is hiding nothing, and is committed to recovery she should be EXCITED to take a poly to prove that all to you.

unwritten,

I realize that expecting any real recovery with lingering questions is foolish. Thank you for your insight.

Update:

Had a conversation with W today. I've seen enough in the past couple of days to believe she's not actively having an affair right now.

I gave her a few suggestions (EP's, but I didn't call them that) for things that she could do to ensure this never happens again. I don't know why I bothered. Reading enough of the stories here and Dr. Harley's free material told me what to expect.

No close friendships with men. So wait, i can't share my feelings with men? But I don't get along with women at all!

Provide me with full access to and never delete any information or logs from any computer you use. But I used to have OCD and have to delete stuff! I don't want you to be all Naziish!

... and so on.

I'd like to thank you all for helping me see this is b*ll. I can't even begin to believe I was complacent as I was for so long.

Conversation ended with me telling her to draft NC letters for me to see. I hope she can be convinced that guaranteeing to me that this never happens again really is *that* important. She seems is convinced that good times spent together recently are all that matters, and "the little things", like the fact that she wipes out her messages, doesn't matter.

Okay, vent off for now...

So when is she writing the NC?

Today.

Still waiting on the first iteration of the NC. I've got a couple of questions.

1) I've been reading Dr. Harley's SAA section on this site, and since I'm confident about her not actively having an affair right now, how appropriate is the Plan A/Plan B approach? The affairs have already died their "natural deaths", along with the months worth of emotional damage done to me.

2) EP's, requesting a polygraph, etc. Do I present this to her in one fell swoop and ready myself for whatever she has to throw (figuratively) at me? Based on our talk last night I expect her to initially flatly refuse some important ones.

SAA hasn't come in the mail yet and I expect it would answer these questions I have. Any insight from those who've read it?

This didn't pan out at all. The number is no good, so I'm left with reaching out to a couple of different people I can trust, or just using Intellius, pipl, or similar.

Use intellius or pipl. You'll get your information.

What about my other questions? Sorry just so antsy right now...

If she is truly ready to start recovery then when you sit down to do her EP's I would require the poly.

You both should do the EN questionare and start filling each others top EN.

You need to verify NC. Did she write the letter and you send it?

Are you eliminating all lovebusters?

Sit down and schedule 20+ hrs of UA.

If she refuses any of your conditions for recovery that is a huge red flag and you need to decide if Plan B is where you should go. You need tonadk her how you will be affair proofing your M.
Requirements for recovery from an Affair

When you present this to her, don't do it in a way that makes it sound like you are making demands. Tell her that you are excited about having a better marriage than you have ever had, and that you are willing to do your part to make that happen.

This is an offer on your part to stay in a marriage where she has been deceptive, and to make it amazing. This is a great thing! This is not a bad thing, demanding ultimatum so to speak 'do this or I am leaving.' It is an offer for you to BOTH follow a very narrow path to recovery from her infidelities, and to having an amazing marriage.

I'm sorry I can't remember, did you post your EP's? If not you might want to and have the vets look them over before you give them to your WW.

No I haven't posted my full list of EPs. I'll write them up and get them posted later today. As far as LBs are concerned, I've been doing my best. I know the ones I'm worst at are DJ and AH. I've been paying a very close eye on my behavior.

The things that are really eating away are her initial incredulous attitude about no opposite sex friends, and she's dragging her feet on the NC letter. I do remind her I'd like to see it, but don't want to get annoyed by asking too much.

I love the MB concepts because for months I struggled with questions about how could I trust her again and get a marriage that was what it should have been in the first place. I won't sabotage myself by presenting this like an ultimatum, but she has to understand that I've found something that will achieve that goal. She's said that she will not settle for what we had before (have no idea how to meet each others needs, LBs of all kinds from both of us, etc.), and frankly I agree with her. I just need her actions to back her words now.

Okay, here are my EP's. I still haven't gotten SAA in the mail so I'm not presenting anything here to her yet.

No opposite sex friendships that are not friends in common for life.

No overnight stays away from each other for life.

Transparency in everything, passwords, computer, phone, no deleting messages, and allow keyloggers on all computers. I want to fully integrate my life in yours.

End all contact with the OM(s)) for life. NC letters sent to all of them.

Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Agree to a polygraph test.


Wow it seems like there are so many there. Is this okay?

that is not many at all. and they are perfectly ok!

Finally got SAA in the mail. Jon and Sue are absolutely inspiring. The way tbhey ended up POJAing his decreased salary... wow! Still reading through it right now. Hope for my future brought the first real smile to my face in a long time.

Yes they are and they are just one of many couples that Dr. H has saved.

Follow the plan an it's your best chance for recovery.

How's your Intel for the OM?

She write the NC letter yet?

Short time to post right now, sorry.

She has yet to write the NC letter. Keeps on putting it off. I always express my hurt because she hasn't written it yet, but stop myself before I LB.

Intel on OMW is not very forthcoming. My "screw off" Facebook message I sent to OM a few days ago probably tipped him off that I was on to his ttempt to contact.

What I don't understand is W's delay in writing the NC. I have more to post about how our talk about EP's went, and will post a bit later.