Is God being selfish when He commands us to forsake all other gods, and be true only to Him?

Is God being selfish when he commands us not to commit adultery, avoid fornication, and flee lust?

WH is breaking God's law, not yours. God's beautiful law was put into place to protect us...to allow us the freedom to serve God. Every commandment is important, but not every one ends a marriage when it's broken. A spouse can take God's name in vain or be greedy, and have the marriage covenant unbroken. Adultery is a whole different ball game.

When a spouse commits adultery, the marriage as it once was, is over. With repentance can come restoration, and a whole new M can be built, but the old M is still dead.

When Moses came down from the mountain carrying the ten commandments, freshly carved by God's own finger, he was horrified to find the people committing spiritual - and physical - adultery. He threw down the stone tables and broke them, symbolizing that the people had already broken their covenant with God. It only took about a month for them to go from "All that the Lord has said, we will do," to dancing around the golden calf and committing lewd acts.

God didn't scold Moses for breaking them. Instead, he had Moses make two more blank tablets, and then God wrote the law again with his finger, symbolizing that they were starting over anew. It was the same law as before; nothing had changed, but the people had to be repentant and willing to renew their contract.

If your WH repents at some point, God is very likely to ask you to give him a second chance. Until then, leave WH in God's hands, and trust that he will be dealt with.

Beautiful words, Neak.

Perhaps I've been selfish? Expecting Frollo to actually "forsake all others". I mean, every husband is flawed, correct?

Uhhhhh.......ouch?

I'd LIKE to think that some of us unevolved creatures' "flaws" end with leaving the toilet seat up, not closing the car windows fully when it rains, failing to correctly sort the laundry, and using the wrong fork for the hog jowls at a formal dinner. Attributing to simple flaws the actions of a cheating minister who incidentally is disguising and hiding income from his dependent family seems a bit beyond being overly forgiving, IMHO.

A lot of men have secret second lives.
Dr. H says it is common. Could be all sorts of secret second lives.

For some men, its sex with women who are not their wives.

Just because it is something that a lot of men do.....doesn't mean you should live with it.

Do not rewrite your conditions of marriage to fit your WH's secrets.

Require him to be the man he presented himself to be to be married to you.

You love him and are committed to the marriage
but
you do not need him to live a happy life.

Even if you don't believe it right now.

Grow in strength so that you believe you are worth it. Fidelity. Dedication. Monogamy. Total teamwork. 100%.

It concerns me that you are in a position of being dependent on him. You need legal backup that orders him to pay you so you can count on it. Living with your parents doesn't let him off the hook for his responsibilities. I think seeing an attorney should be your next step.

I don't recommend joint accounts, he can transfer from his account to your account, he can even have the bank set it up automatically to occur. My XH withdrew $ from bank account that wasn't there (something I didn't know was possible) leaving a huge deficit. He also wrote hot checks on it. I'm not suggesting Frollo would do that, I just think it's smart to cover all bases...who would have thought he'd have stooped as low as he has? No one can foresee all a WH would do.

You deserve a repentant God-fearing man that loves you and treats you with respect. It's important your son sees that demonstrated to his mom as that will be his life example. If Frollo won't demonstrate that, at least you can show your boundaries and what you require and that will help guide your son.

WHip, how are you?

Did I tell you this already? Can't remember. You can do a legal separation if you aren't ready for divorce, that is legal, court signed document. Get as much out of him as possible, make sure it specifies how much he has to pay you, when, and how it is to be received. I would strongly suggest that you put wording in there somewhere that says it can be converted to a divorce agreement with the signatures of both parties, or with the signature of only one party after 1 year's time. Something like that.

I would also strongly suggest that you include everything you would want in a divorce agreement, even though you hope it doesn't come to that. Hopefully it doesn't, but it's protection for you and your kids. Visitation (if you don't want him to see the kids, put that in there - whatever you want, nail it down). Also, that he cannot take them around OW, give her pictures of them, or expose them to her in any way. INSIST on that one - the hill you will die on. Put her full name right in the document.

Either he turns around and you dissolve it, or he continues to go downhill and you'll be grateful you have it. I never imagined my WH could digress to what he has become. Our legal separation agreement is the only thing saving me right now. Protect yourself and your children. Then he'll have to pay you now too, even if it never gets to D. He will be legally obligated as much as if it was a D. It will give you some peace of mind, make Plan B easier.

Whip, I'm sorry for your little boys pain. On top of withdrawal, you all must feel like you're drowning right now.

That's how it's supposed to be though, I'm afraid. Your WH has ripped his love and support from all of you and now you're all grieving it.

You can't resurrect the man that was, the good man, for your son. It would be like inviting a flesh eating zombie into your home because he was good when alive.

I understand you would throw yourself onto traintracks for your kid (which is essentially what you are suggesting doing) but he needs you healthy, whole and here. Recovered in Plan B.

He will likely need to be protected from WH. Waywards change into deeper and deeper stuff daily.

He's already destroyed a marriage, violated the trust in his position, stolen food out of his childrens mouths... It isn't unheard of for waywards to become criminals, drug users or violent.

Cling to your plan. I know the foundations don't look like much right now, but when your Plan B house is further along, you will all have a much more peaceful and happy life.

Not only that, but child molesters are often drawn to waywards and/or single parents because they can smell the opportunity. A number of times, even right here on MB, children have been molested or nearly molested (groomed) because their wayward parent failed to protect them from a molester who was inserting themself into the situation.

Aha Moment! Thanks so much reading.
I read this last week but just couldn't let it sink in.
It's sinkin in.

Last week I created an itemized list of regular, joint monthly bills (health ins., car ins., cell phone, etc) and shared with the IM to share with Frollo.
My response to his request for access/control of all our joint bills so they could be payed from his personal account was "Family bills will be paid from the family account". I've also provided IM with an amount that needs to be deposited into the joint account to pay for those bills - joint bills (So, those are his bills, too).
I included an amount I felt was reasonable to provide monthly for me & our two children at this time.
I am setting up a personal account from which to pay for personal things - groceries, entertainment, fuel, etc. I made IM aware of the amount I will take out of the joint account initially and each month to pay for mine & the children's personal items.

Yay, WHip!!! You are one tough cookie. Way to go!

Yay Rainy! I haven't read all your thread yet, but I'll head over there for an update soon.

I DID expose. It was early-on in my thread. Phone calls, emails, FB - nuclear. About a month-and-a-half after D-day. It was a relief and I knew then, and am still convinced over a month later, that it was the right thing to do. In my christian circles, some have still said they didn't think I should have "aired our dirty laundry" so to speak to all sorts of people, and drug friends & family into our marriage problems, but those people do not understand affairs and the addictive power an affair has on a person. I chalk their opinions up to true ignorance and try not to let it get to me, but instead educate them (if it's possile. Some people would rather keep their heads in the sand).

BUT, even those who did not agree with my exposure still believed me, or informed me of how they, too, thought something was off or unusual between WH & POSOW. Some even provided me with more details or evidence of the relationship. And many, many, MANY of them did all they could to get in touch with WH in order to help him figure out how to lead his family. They still are. I still have people call, text or FB me asking how things are and telling me what they have said or will say to WH.

Exposure helped undo alot of the gaslighting Frollo had put me through. And although I'm not sure if he and POSOW are still in contact or not, I know it's very hard on them if they are, and I'm certain no concrete relationship between them will ever exist. Being in the christian circles that we are, there are now too many eyes on them both. Which is what exposure accomplishes.

Thanks Happy - it DID help. It's essentially what I informed our IM that I would be doing. Family bills paid from family account, personal bills paid from personal accounts. At least while separated. Obviously if reconciliation were to one day take place there would no longer be a need for personal accounts. Transparency is a main reason for this decision. We will both know that bills are being paid and both have access to those payments. Legally I'm more protected this way as well. And I'm making it clear to Frollo that we are still a family he has responsibility for while also setting boundaries.

Good for you, Whip! On all counts:) So glad you are getting ongoing support, and that you blew WH and OW out of the water. Yay! I'll have to go back and read about it.

And great job standing tall on the bank accounts. I am just so impressed with you. You're inspiring!

Thank you for your prayers and for your tough honesty Rainy! There are no words to describe my admiration and appreciation to all those who have walked this road and humbly shared their hindsights with me. Your post has provided me with much-needed strength! Thank you!!!

Scotty some of the things you wrote resonated so strongly in me!
Yes, I would. At times I already have been. I've read some threads from people who have endured false recoveries and the marriage just gets more and more tragic. I don't want this. It's not God-honoring at all. Plan C would just be taking a longer, more painfail road to a divorce.

AAHHH!!! That would be the worst! Again, I know you are right about this. My false or un-recovered marriage could make me that miserable - providing all the ingredients neeeded for an affair to take place. Even if I tried my hardest not to.

I have been filling my days with my kiddos! As a SAHM, there's not a whole lot of "me time". My mom had a hysterectomy 3 weeks ago so I've been doing more to help her as well. It's summertime in MO so we're outside ALOT. My parents have an amazing backyard so we trampoline, swim in the pool, play on the huge swing-set, ride bikes, etc. Love It! And DS loves the one-on-one time. I've thought about taking some night classes at the community college here in order to finish my degree. Photography is also a hobby of mine that I've been learning more about lately. Even looked into some classes for that.

Happy66 - i didn't quote your post - but WoW!!!
JUST WHAT I NEEDED! Thank you.
That summed up most of my feelings and how hard dealing with this has been. But also, how necessary it is. I was in tears understanding your pain with every word I read.
What a strong woman you are!
THANK YOU for your transparency.
So inspiring Happy. You just have no idea how it strengthens me to hear from others going through this at the same time. I wish I could be as strong as you and as level-headed all the time. I hope to be able to pay-it-forward the same way you do for so many hurting BSs.

Neak - I'm speechless.
Everything you wrote matches up with Scripture - 100%. I spent many hours the past few days heavily studying what the Bible and Jesus said about marriage, divorce, remarriage, adultery, etc. and you wrote some of the same things God made clear to my heart through his Word.
Frollo hasn't sinned against me - he has sinned against God and the standards God has outlined for husbands. AND ministers. Double-whammy for Frollo.
God hates divorce. But, God does not say he hates people that are divorced.
Because of Frollo's adultery I know that I have God's permission to scripturally divorce him and remarry without committing adultery myself. I also know that because of God's grace, He doesn't require me to divorce Frollo. He can strenthen me to walk in forgiveness and provide restoration of our broken marriage. Like you wrote - until Frollo exhibits true repentance, he is in God's hands. That's where I must leave him. Taking him back without true repentance would make me the biggest enabler, and in essence, an enemy of God.

Noone has a way with words like you do NG! As i re-read what I wrote while at a most desperate point, I want to smack myself. Your words helped do just that for me. Thanks!

reading & Indie - thanks for your strong words. I appreciate the strength and knowledge of both of you.

I feel like I've threadjacked my own thread today...is that possible??? There was just so much to respond to!

My time away (from MB, FB, pinterest, and even turning off my cell phone) was really, really good for some reflective time. It allowed God's Word to sink in without distractions. It helped me see the present for what it is, and where I need to go. I will stay my course in Plan B. And I will also continue to pray for Frollo to come out of his fog. But I have GOT to stop focusing so much energy on expecting & awaiting him to come out of the fog.
That being said (I'll probably get a 2x4 for this) I did break Plan B a little. I did not have any contact with Frollo, but I DID drive by his parents' house late at night to see if his vehicle was there, and I then went and sat for about an hour at a McDonald's that I know he frequents (for the free WiFi) to see if I might be able to "run in" to him. Although I wasn't thankful at the time, today I am VERY thankful he never showed up there. Very, very bad, I know. And God-willing it won't happen again.
Today marks FOUR WEEKS since I've heard his voice, seen him, or had any direct contact with him at all. Whew!!!