Well, you haven't been "loving" with your affair and your continued contact and your endless trickle truth games. You have been abusive. Nothing he has done here reaches the level of abuse you have inflicted on him. What he did was wrong, but so is what you have done. So lets please cut the finger pointing, Madam.

Being obese does not entitle you to abuse others. And of course you have low esteem, you have been lying and cheating. Not much to esteem with that!


He has also been on the recieving end of the conflict and abuse you brought into his family. You have greatly threatened that child's security so stop blaming others for your handiwork.


How about you stop abusing him?

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You offer no hope of rebuilding with your continued contact with your stinky OM. Lying and adultery both make a marriage very hopeless. You did that, Madam.

If you are serious, then you should stop blameshifting and start taking some accountability for your crimes against your family. If you will do that, we can work with your husband. But you have to first stop the abuse.

I second that

NC is in progress. I am drafting the letter for DH to review today.

I reached out to my DH last evening by just standing closer to him during a kids extracurricular activity we were at. That was a step in the right direction. I understand it wasn't the kissing and hand holding he is craving right now, but it was a pretty giant leap on my part and more than I have done in the past 6 months. I sobbed earlier in the evening and told him what a horrible person I have been and just to allow me the moment to cry it out and get my hurt and disappointment of what I have done out. I needed to release some of that in tears or it would have come out in words which I choose not to do to him.

I have put my shovel down. I have cried out for help by coming here. This is tough, but I am willing to continue on the path to restoring what is right.

ML - I did not mean to incite that I blame having previously been MO on this or that it gives me the right to abuse anyone. Quite the contrary. Due to that piece of my life, I choose to take everyone else's negativity on as my own. I have always ingested it and kept it inside. I won't even try to explain my thought process surrounding that because you told me I was an abuser and I need to process that information. I did not view myself that way and so I am learning to listen to you and the others on this board and accept responsibility for what you see because I understand those of you who's responses make me feel extreme sadness or bring me to tears are the one's I should be listening to the most.

What is the next step?

A no contact letter is a good start. It should be approved by him and sent together. I will post a template below.

Additionally, all of the truth has to be put out on the table once and for all. No more cat and mouse trickle truth games where you screw with his head. If he just caught you in ONE LIE about one contact, I know there are more. And so does he. If you don't get it all out there now, it will drive him crazy because he will sense it and dog you to the gates of hell. He HAS sensed it all along.

I IMPLORE you to dump it once and for all and get it out there. Get it out there so you can move on. Otherwise, you two will be playing prosecuting attorney and hostile defense witness for the next 50 years. And every little drib he drags out of you will put you both back to day 1 of recovery. So do yourself a favor and do a big doc dump. Go through just ONE MORE explosion so you can put this to rest.

Don't tell him in person. Write it all out on a piece of paper and tell him you are done with this affair and are done with trickle truth. You want to get it all out on the table and are deeply sorry for what you have done.

The next thing you should give him is your fail proof plan of transparency. Somehow, you have to set up your life so you can't see or speak to the OM again. One suggestion would be to MOVE out of that area since you say you saw the OM and were triggered. Start thinking on ways you can affair proof your life so your husband is protected from you.

Coming clean and taking some accountability for your crimes will help your self esteem. Behaving with honor and dignity and integrity is how you build self esteem. This is the first step.

I would also ask your husband to join this board so we can help him get through this. It is obvious he has some serious anger issues and if he doesn't get those under control, you would be wise to leave him. We can help him overcome that and we can help you both create a safe, romantic marriage.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I just read the Recovery Guide for WWs by Dorry on this site. Are there more like this on here by chance? Some of the links I clicked on in that thread did not work.

Read the two replies from Melody on your thread and that will be better than any other thread.

Thank you ML.

I think one of my hang ups is that from day one of meeting my DH, I knew that he fell madly in love with me. And I didn't have those same feelings. I have always felt very inadequate for him. I met him just as I was ending my first serious relationship (I was 21 at the time) and within 2 months, he proposed. My father was dying of cancer at the time and I was exceptionally numb. I asked him if we could just be friends for a while so we could get to know eachother. He was not okay with that. It was marriage or nothing. My thought process was that he was one of the nicest guys and seemed to have a good family and really, wasn't that what was most important for a good marriage? He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, I knew he could manage money well, he had a FT steady job, etc. and ultimately I said yes to the proposal. We were married 6 months later during which time my focus was really on my Dad who was on his last breath in the hospital during my wedding and died while we were on our honeymoon 3 days later. I came home from our honeymoon to attend his funeral. It was a time that should have been pure joy in my life and instead, the entire time was pure grief and sadness.

And for the past 3 - 4 years, I found myself focusing solely on our children because I was feeling very unfulfilled in our marriage. I dreaded spending one on one time with him. But yet, I plodded through never telling him how I was feeling or that my EN's weren't being met. I didn't recognize what was happening until the A. I always did my best to meet DH's EN's and he even stated after all of this that I did a great job, but one thing he has always known about me is that I'm a more reserved/private person with my thoughts and that I don't love him as deeply as he loves me.

I feel like I never fell in love with him. Does that make sense?

Perhaps this is part of the fog I have seen spoken of on here?

But I still wonder about the feeling of love and being in love. I know I'm a confused heap of human right now. I'm sorry. I'm working through it all.

Thank you for your time. Overall, with all of your replies and suggestions and honesty, I am truly feeling hopeful about working through this and my fears are lessening with each post.

We know you are not in love with him. But this program can turn that around. Part of the problem is that you didn't tell him how to meet your needs. This can be changed with this program. BUT, the first step has to be to get rid of that POSOM.

This is part of your fog thinking you never loved him.

Part of the fog is that your OM doesn't come with chores, kids up sick all night, arguments over finances, etc.

Save the Disney tales for the Disney movies, they are sold to little girls who don't know better.

Your marriage can be wonderful but real marriage is hard work and your OM will still clip his toenails into the sink and leave it, fart in the bed, and have grumpy old man moments. You just can't see that right now because you are in fantasy land.

Do you believe the OM loves you?

Good to know. You are right.

And no, I do not believe OM loves me. He professed it at one point but he had a GF the entire time and he told me to go back to my marriage. He is a womanizer and I have come to realize that the more I think about information he shared about other women. The fog is lifting, trust me, and it's shameful the stuff I believed. It feels like I was a complete outsider of my body and brain the more the fog lifts. I can't even describe how that feels right now.

I did write the NC letter and signed it. It is ready for DH to review.

I wrote DH an email apologizing again for my errors and hurt caused to him. I explained I am working with the MB site and it's going to be a long, hard road, but I am choosing him and our family and I am working through it.

He knows of the site because I was reading HNHN and he read some of the newsletters on the site.

I will encourage him to post on his own as well.

I told him that I am willing to change jobs even further than I have already done if it will help him to feel more secure. I told him that I am willing to sell our house and move since we live within 10 mi. of OM. I explained how triggers happen and how I can find ways to deal with the triggers (come to MB and post vs. re-contacting OM, call him, call a family member, etc.).

We'll see what he says.

We can help him if he comes here. He doesn't realize it yet, but he's lucky in some ways to have a WW that is willing to acknowledge the errors and save the marriage.

Here are some more good threads.
Requirements for Recovery From an Affair
Don't know if I should Divorce after my own infidelity
Extraordinary Precautions

I will encourage him to do so. He could definitely use assistance with his feelings.

Thank you for providing those links. I will read them several times.

What are your BH top EN?

You say he has an anger problem? Has he been physically or verbally abusive to you or the kids?

Do you have the book Lovebusters?

I offered to look for a new job. I offered to move. I am trying to make the necessary changes to help DH feel more secure.

My exact words were: "I am working with the MB website and I will be following their advice as you and I agree upon. I will present information to you that they suggest and if you agree it will help you feel more secure in our relationship again, we will implement it. The first step is to write a NC letter which I draft, you review, and you mail if approved."

I went on to explain that some have found new jobs if the current job still presented contact opportunities. I stated that some have moved towns or states. I stated some have sold vehicles. Etc. I stated that I would be willing to do any or all of these if it would help him to feel more secure.

His response was that it's all about me again and what I want and that I am trying to run from the problem. He said maybe this website advice is wrong.

I don't think you're wrong. I want to stay the course with you all. But by doing so, does that violate the POJA? (not that we've established POJA yet)

I want to move to step 2. I don't want to be in a reactive mode. Please help me understand what I said wrong to him that would make him feel this is all about me and what I want and that I'm trying to run away from the problem. I truly don't understand.

We need to do the EN questionnaire. I honestly do not know the answer to that.

He has been verbally abusive during this time. Never physical.

He has had other AO's from time to time as long as I've known him. It impacted his work and social life at times as well. He went to 2 IC sessions and she said "what are you angry about?" "My wife cheated on me". And he felt she couldn't help him with that and that the anger is justified.

I try to be understanding of the anger and hurt and pain. I feel that one has to somehow find other ways to deal with it though. He just has not found that way other than to tell me that he needs love and sex. I guess I just don't feel that is the answer. And the days I have tried that, I felt resentment and bitterness in me. I need to let that go as well and try to be more loving. I understand that. It's just a horrible cycle we are in right now.