She chose to rip me apart with some things she said. Iwas her ally.

She can stew in her anger for life and until her innocent husband bangs another chick.

The letter was overboard harsh.

She was wrong to do that to you. Sorry that she did that, because you don't deserve that.

Did your wife ever apologize to her or her WH to you?

My wife has apologized to everyone more than once. Yes om apologized for his actions early on.

Glad they did the right thing.

Well, I wish you and your W strides in your recovery MSS.

She can't recover while still blaming and hating her WH for the affair.

The OMW needs a whipping boy/girl.

Some one to transfer the blame and hate to.

You people can't see this?

MSS,

Here are some excellent radio clips from Dr. H on resentment. I hope they help.
Radio clip on resentment
Segment #2

Yes I think it's very obvious.

TR, we can agree that OMW is clueless about where her attention should be.

She's not here, however.

MSS must keep his focus at home where it belongs, not getting distracted by drama at the OM house.

Thinking of you today, Mike.

The thing is if MSS see's this for what it is then he should let it run as water off the back of a duck. MSS then will of stopped himself from having any issue.

I crafted a 2500 word response and deleted it .

Had an incredible weekend despite the arrival of that letter.

I'm not going to post it, suffice to say she was fairly accurate on most things she wrote. I'm a realist, my wife did some lousy things to many people, I didn't need it spelled again. That's an angry woman and she took the anniversary of dday to unload her thoughts.

I didnt reply.

Had a nice conversation with my wife after. I got some things cleared up. We spoke openly about some formerly closed subjects.

The letter put the affair in a new perspective for me. Not better or worse, just a new perspective.

Were moving on like nothing occurred.

I'm glad you had a good weekend MSS, many more of those to come.

What did you think about the above radio clips?

MSS must keep his focus at home where it belongs...

...if MSS sees this for what it is then he should let it run as water off the back of a duck.

Where we differ is that I would advise against wasting effort in analyzing the message's genesis, and then ignoring it. Better, I aver, to ignore it from the beginning.

Maybe just tomayto, tomahto....

I ignored.

It was written, as I saw it, with her pychologist in mind who has little knowledge of how to help a victim of adultery recover. I suspect, her shrink told her to write this letter rehashing all that happened, put the blame mostly on my wife, and to put a target on my forehead, for some unknown reason. Maybe the shrink believes this will diminish things in her patients mind?

Whatever. I wrote several drafts of replies. Asked my wife if I could sent it and she asked me to let it go, to drop it.

She said she is not that person OMW wrote about anymore. She has worked in the last year to not be anything like that person. Sending my reply would only fan the fire in MY HEAD.

OMW called my wife an idiot in her letter. I dont see an idiot anymore. Im proud of her, actually, that she didnt get revved up to reply to the many untruths. She showed the same dedication to letting the past be the past that she has maintained now coming up on one year. In some ways, my wife is a better person than I today.

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like to consider myself a hero, reluctant, but a hero nonetheless. A hero does the seemingly impossible. Saves the day. Lives in a sort of personal exile but lives to make others' lives better.

It will be a year this week that I learned that my wife was living a second life. A life that makes little sense to me. One that she cannot explain away and one that nearly destroyed several people that she claims to love. A year later, umpteem hundred posts here, dozens of unpleasant episodes, a couple shrinks, lots of depression and anxiety pills, I a need to reflect on the year. I made a self imposed one year time frame to decide what is it that "I" want. Then I decided that 2 years would be the better time frame, per advice here. I know what she wants. I know what my children want. What do I want, though?

Yes, I read the vomit filled letter that OMW sent over and its had an effect on me. It was 60 percent bulls---, but that means it was 40% reality. Its that 40 percent that has and continues to work its way around my daily existence.

I know all I have to do is go back 40-50 pages of THIS thread to get how-to-handle triggers help or even go find my original thread to remind of how I got my butt handed to me for even going down this path again. But, indulge me to give a state of this union dday anniversary update.

A hero needs to be strong. Not to let things get under his skin. And Im trying.

I got beat up many, many times here for thinking "my situation is different". And after reading dozens and dozens of poor schmos' stories like mine, its true, my story isnt different except that its MINE. I know of the day after day that she left me under the guise of going to work only to be doing something other than work on many of those days. I know of how WE invited this person with his wife into my home where I cooked and cleaned for him countless times while he and my wife were intimate the following day. I know how on half dozen occasions she'd told me nothing was going on with them. How she wore HIS jewelry very often. How she wore clothing and gifts he bought for her all the time. The sheer amount of time together they spent alone is mind boggling. HOW SHE LET MY CHILDREN FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY.

I am year away from learning this moron recorded them together and thus ending their party. I am also stuck thinking that this woman very likely would still be his party girl had he not. Despite her "employment" very likely would have ended in September passed, nothing, nothing tells me she had the ability to end the part-time lover status she seemed to enjoy for the last period of their time together.

I wrangle with all this and I have stowed much of it away at the imploring of the fine advisors I have here. She's not that person anymore. I won, she chose me. The past is passed. All good sentiments, no doubt.

So, this week I enter the 2nd year of 'recovery'. A time that some say the pain of the above lessens. So bring it on.

I cannot say for sure what my future holds. Im trying to meet needs I failed to for her and she has been golden in that dept for the one year. I promised myself I would try all that the books say I should to improve my life with my wife. I will do even more in the 2nd year to be the best me I can be. I will be a hero. A superhero.

I was going to post the lyrics to Bowie's "Heroes" because the song haunts me and I feel like it describes my journey here. But, on further discovery, the song was written about Bowies producer who was having an affair and would meet his lover and it was those meetings that Bowie observed and then inspired him to write about. So much for that. Another pop culture item I once enjoyed that I cant any longer.

Another warning that despite being in love with something, there may be something underlying that isnt kosher. A song, a movie, and, of course, a wife. Maybe an unfair comparison?

Trust but verify. The lesson of my life.

Very well-written post, Mike.

I think it's the loss of innocence in our marriages that is most difficult to deal with: knowing that no matter how much we heal, we can't un-know what we know. We get over it, but we'd rather it not have happened and that just isn't possible.

The good news is, it DOES lessen greatly with time - to the point of it not bothering you anymore even. And you know, we probably should have never been so naive about how fragile marriage can be anyway. No one should.

The first year is the hardest and you've made it through. I wish I had some sage advice for you, but you've heard it all before. I love The Replacements and Keanu Reeve's speech to the guys in the huddle at the end:

"I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be our style. ... Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever."

Now, I don't know about the chicks digging scars part, lol, but it's true: pain DOES heal. In our marital journeys here, glory DOES last forever because as the hero, it has more of a lasting affect than anything else can - these are our families and our legacies we're talking about!

Great post Mike. I read posts day in and day out here, now that I have MB in my life. For some reason this one is making me tear up! I guess something in it speaks to me, not sure exactly what tho. Maybe it is just reminding me of how far I still have to go to get to where you are. But I am happy to hear you are there, its hope:) Thanks for sharing.

Almost four years out for me. June 18th. At almost 4 yrs, it is VERY bearable. I would say it's hopeful and fun (marriage).

CV

Got thru Mother's Day sans any issues. Thank you very much.

Yr. 2 is going swimmingly.

(She sent me a text yesterday while I was at the market telling me that she knows what today may mean to me and that she loves me and I replied back that if its anything other than Mother's Day than its meaningless. Progress for us both.)

Like Pep always says "progress not perfection"

Enjoy who your W is now and not the WW she used to be.

Congrats Mike