I'm going to cut you some slack here. I used to feel such a draw to his Sunday afternoon haunts. Which were on the way to my parents, who I visit on Sundays. Sometimes I would put on my coat and then stand in the hallway arguing with myself!

Life got much better when I stopped doing that. All I'm saying.



Oh I do that all the time! Say what you like, now. I've been wittering on about my garden for about ten pages on my thread and everyone just has to put up with it!

Now you're in Plan B we aren't in the emergency room any more, barking orders for your survival. We can relax, sit down, have a natter (that means chat)

We might have to stitch you up from time to time if you break Plan B, or it is broken by him, but in general it is now your job to show newbies how chilled and cool Plan B is, so they don't fear it. They all do - don't know why!

I can always count NG to come and smack me on the back of the head and say "what are you thinking?" when i needed it the most.

Hey you, check your email please.

4 week, whip, already? congratulations! now stop trying to get your fix. it only hurts you.

2x4 over. i'm so glad you're getting on in PB and learning to live your life with your children. i only had to do it for a short while and it totally sucked,so i do know how you feel about "haunting." will he come out of the fog? who knows? but you'll be a better person either way, either as his wife, or as an amazingly strong person who will be able to have a truly satisfying marriage with a good and godly person who deserves to have you.

keep up the good work!

WHip, I could feel your pain and really related to how you were feeling. I understand the daily struggle. I'm really glad you were able to find strength in my words, thats the beauty of the MB family we all provide encouragement and support for each other. We truely understand the pain.

You made me cry reading your post. There are times I don't feel strong believe me. We all grow along the journey no matter how bumpy the road, hopefully the distance between the bumps will grow as well.

You are doing well, you can be proud of the example you are setting for your children. Stay strong my friend.

Words of wisom WHiP. I will take this thought on board.

Still reading, just not much to add that hasn't already been said. You're doing great...no more hoping to run into him though!

Hi WHiP just checking in to see how you are doing.

Hey all! I'll try to update more thoroughly later, right now I've just got a quick question for you Plan B'ers and vets.

The last week or 2, Frollo & I have been back and forth via intermediary concerning details of his visitation times w/ the kids. One request he had was to meet at a neutral location to exchange the kids instead of him always coming to my parents' house. I agreed to this for dropoffs only (usually 8:30 PM, by which time one of my parents or sister can meet him so I don't have to). Its kinda dumb anyway, b/c he's at his parents' house which is only a 10 minute drive away. But anyway, like I said, I agreed to his request: meet @ said location for drop offs.
This has been fine for a week or so.

I also agreed to let him keep the kids longer on the Sunday nights he had them. Before, it was 5:00 and I agreed to let them stay until 8:30 PM. Yesterday was the first Sunday for this change to take affect.

Then last night, without any warning or notice, Frollo showed up AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE to drop off the kids at 8:00PM! A half-hour early and NOT at the "neutral location" that HE insisted on. Sheeesh!!!

He *says* they were already in the area and it was just easier for him to bring them straight to the house.
I'm not happy about this at all. I was the one who discovered he arrived and had to run through the house looking for *someone* to go out and get the kids. Luckily I just saw the back of his car and his legs. But what if I'd ran into him at the front door? What if I'd been piddling around outside when he pulled up? What if noone else had been home besides me? I cringe to think how close of a call it was! Praise God He was watching out for me.

So, my question is, should I address this and if so, how? His angle is probably that it was more convenient, and I should be thankful for the trip it saved my parents and for the extra half-hour it gave me with the kids. I do appreciate those things and I don't want to seem like some "mother hen" being a rule-stickler, which an LB for him as it makes him see me as being controlling and bossy. However, I also don't appreciate him continually asking to change things, and then when I agree to, he doesn't abide by his OWN wishes!!! Ugh! Its absolutely frustrating.

This is why you NEVER in plan B agree to flexibility or to enable the wayward remain wayward.

You don't meet needs in Plan B. You aren't affectionate, considerate or kind. You only suit yourself. You aren't a team any more. He needs to see that's what divorce will be like. Plan B is supposed to be a stark contrast to Plan A. It highlights the choce. He can give commitment and receive a partner in life - or he can choose to struggle on alone.

Plus as you have discovered, waywards are so selfish that any attempt to be nice is just abused.

I would send him a message through IMm saying the trial didn't work and you are going back to the way things were. No discussion. Tough.


You shouldn't be worrying about how things affect him or how you appear in Plan B. Concentrate on your own healing.

Have IM tell him that the original arrangements are being re-activated (agree with indiegirl on that) but that he may keep the kids til 8:30 (hey....he wants them longer, he can get them longer) and there will be no early drop offs from his visitation in the future to be considerate of the scheduling issues of the adults who handle the transfer of children.

Period.

Agree, Whip. But I would decide what time is best for you and the kids - forget him. Is it 5:00? Or 8:30? Or somewhere in between? Set the time that's best for you, send that message through IM, and that's that. I'd forget meeting at a neutral location - he blew that one. Just expect him to bring them back at the specified time. If he's early, or late, try not answering and let him suck it up. He needs to comply with the schedule, period.

Good job avoiding him, though:) So much easier, isn't it?

Your kids are pretty small. I think 5:00 would be a better time for them, so you can have them long enough for their evening transition to bedtime, rather than showing up late at a different house, and plunk! needing to settle into bed immediately.

If this doesn't work with negotiations through the IM, the next step would be to file for a legal separation and have a judge or mediator make a decision on custody.

No matter what happens, keep a journal and document all this. Dates, times, everything.

Yes! I had to go back for the PO hearing, and try to piece together a journal from phone records, jotted notes, etc. KEEP IT NOW!

Thank you all SO MUCH! Especially Indie & Reading for the wise responses. I emailed IM last night that due to Frollo's blatant disregard for agreements put into place that were initiated by HIM, we are going back to the visitation schedule as originally arranged in the Plan B letter. And there is no more meeting at a neutral location - he will pick up & drop off kids at my parents' house.

So, Neak & Rainy, I pretty much did what you suggested, only I did it before I read your suggestions. But your posts gave me added confidence that I made the right decision!

Definitely prepared to do both of these, should he not be willing to comply. I have not felt a need to contact a lawyer, but I do have information ready should I see it will be necessary.

More posts to boost my confidence! I've kept journals - in writing and electronically - since last fall, when things were happening that just didn't add up. Doing that helped me to "catch him" in some of his lies because he'd say something one day, then days or weeks later the story would change. He knows I've journaled and would many times ask me to stop because he felt it showed disrespect to him as my husband that I wasn't writing things down to keep fond memories, but was recording negative things and trying to "catch him" doing something wrong. HaHaHa!!! Since his confessions and our separation I've made it a point to keep of track of things that even seem insignificant at the time.


YES!!! Over 5 weeks now. PRAISE GOD! I do still have bouts with withdrawl, but they are fewer and far between, and they aren't as strong as they were in the beginnning. I can busy myself, or get on MB and I move out of it pretty quickly. Indie's advice to not even allow myself to think romantically of him has helped alot too. It helps me see him as the alien he has sadly become.

Good job!

Wow, waywards attempts to manipulate blows me away! I'm glad you can see through it.

I haven't been on line the last few days...been sick. Am glad to see the great advice you got here and the steps you're taking to ensure compliance to the set upon agreements. Great job!

Sorry for the t/j but hope you're feeling better Kayc!!

BrainHurts,
Thank you, feeling better but still tired. And I went back to 80% work schedule this week so still adjusting to that, but that's a good thing!

Oohhh, hope you are okay Kayc? Wish you a speedy recovery:)

And, Whip! You are awesome! Can't believe how much more cool and confident you sound than when I started reading your thread 3 or so weeks ago. You have it totally together, lady. Keep it up