Rainy, thank you I really appreciate your post. I appreciate your kind words and I am really glad I helped in some way. Thats the beauty of MB land, the amazing support.

Isildur has fortnightly weekend visits with DS6, this is an informal arrangement. An informal arrangement is the only way I can prevent PEGI from having solo access to DS6. Unlike US law I can't prevent access to PEGI unless there is a risk to his physical safety.

For the last 2 months I've been trying to negotiate a separation agreement. It took Sildur 1 month to reply to my lawyer. Again our crazy no fault legal system ... yes this is the way it works.

It is hard with DD16, teen years and all, but Isildur hasn't helped. My goodness have I tried to be the stength she needs and throughout the hurdles I have told her I love her and will always be here to support and help her. She will always be my priority. I have been trying to rebuild/maintain our relationship. I just repaired the damage from the last badmouthing.

He is not formally paying her CS but an allowance .... very clever, what 16yr old would refuse such an enticement.

I have spoken to my sons' teachers about our separation and they have been very supportive. In my DD16 case I hadn't b/c she was enjoying her course and it hadn't impacted her studies. Due to her absences I have advised them of the situation. The sexual harrassment is at school. I don't have details, I am trying to get to the bottom of it.

I have never been happy about her not being at home, she is only 16yrs. Unfortunately with our law, I can't force her to return home b/c she is 16yrs. I also cannot do anything about Isildur paying her an allowance.... sucks big time. This is a sad consequence of the A, I know if A hadn't happened she would be living at home. Thats what I resent so much devastation for a fantasy life that will in time fall apart. Our family sacrificed for a woman with a history of short term relationships and equity harvesting ... how blind are waywards.

I broke Plan B b/c it was brought to my attention that there wsa a reference to sexual harrassment at school. My priority was my DD over any setback to me given the gravity of the problem. Yes I shouldn't have checked FB but I was so diheartened by no responses I wanted to see if anything had been posted or anyone defriended.... paid for it I know ... was feeling vulnerable when I did it, not an excuse just being honest.

Currently not working, resigned from my job when we relocated. I was taking some time out due to an exhausting 2yrs prior. I am planning on re entering the workforce and commencing a degree ... sacrificed career for family. I don't regret this, but I need to retrain to be able to support myself.

Rainy, didn't include in my reply. Another thing with our amazing law if DD16 is not living at home Isildur does not have to pay CS. This is why he hasn't encouraged her to return home. Amazing how the foggy minds work, rather than pay me CS he is happy for her to stay at a friends house. This is so out of character.

I didn't consider the reference to your books a t/j. It was good to hear about your achievements. You must be very proud and you should consider writing again. Thank you for your encouragement for my writing. I'm very rusty its over 10yrs since I last dabbled.

I liked the Scarlett O'Hara quote, well timed. Like everyone I've had my ups and downs but the last few days were hard I really felt like he had the A and I was being punished. I was tired of being portrayed as the bad guy and having the blame laid at my feet when I wasn't responsible. I even had moments of self doubt.

Thankyou for your post Rainy it helped.

Thankyou for your support Letty, particularly yesterday.

Thanks BH and Maritalbliss for your posts/enquiries

So you will be making an appointment with your DD16's school to get to the bottom of this? It sounds like you need information that isn't coming from WH because you know it's going to be skewed.

When can you talk to the nurse/mother that your DD16 is living with? Does she know what's going on with the affair and such? I would definitely let her know it all.

Hopefully you will find the school is supportive.

BH, The mother is actually a friend she is aware of the A, which is why she has allowed DD16 to stay there. She knew it was avoidance and believed she needed some space/time out. She is also aware of Isildur's past bad mouthing and fueling of anger. I am hoping he can shed some light on the school situation.

Appointment with school is for early next week. I am trying to find out details re the harrassment prior to the meeting.

Information from Isildur is very likely to be skewed, I'm sure its another attack on me, particularly given the reference to the school's concern for DD16 state of mind due to my conversations with the school. I have never discussed her state of mind. Also I find it hard to believe the staff would discuss anything with other students or that it would filter through in 24hrs to the students. He has indicated there is a danger she will drop out b/c of how uncomfortable I am making it for her at school.... what a wayward!

I'm hoping they will be supportive given her age and the fact that she is attending a teriary institution (university level) where the majoirty of students are older.

Money is what is making his adultery work ... you think the whore wants a poor man with children?

Like a crack addict ... the only way to keep his OW (his drug) happy is with money. If I am not mistaken, don't they vacation quite a bit?

If you can try and get as much of his money as possible. File an order with the court that your DD16 is in danger with her friend and needs to be sent back to your place ASAP.

Secure your finances with the wayward ... it is just one more step to get the adultery to crumble faster.

PI, he has been defaulting on our mortgage, this is how he is financing the affair. He did this b/c I blocked other avenues. PEGI has struggled being able to equity harvest,this is why Sildur has defaulted, PEGI has been manipulating him, I'm sure she wants as much as she can get before it crumbles. Yes they are enjoying holidays and shopping sprees courtesy of our mortgage.

I have pretty well exhausted all avenues (bank, lawyers etc) to stop this. The sale of one of our assets to reduce the mortgage will be finalised next week. I've attempted to secure a written agreement from him to stop defaulting ... I'll know if the outcome is successful next week.

It has been a long and frustrating process. This is why I have been feeling so down no one will hold him accountable, not family or friends and my hands seem to be tied when it comes to preventing him from defaulting, I can't even prevent OW from having access to my children .... great PC legal system.

As much as I want my daughter to return home, she is not in any danger at the friends house, so there are no legal grounds there. Given she is 16yrs legally I cannot force her home. I have to continue maintaining/building the relationship, countering any damage caused by AP badmouthing and manipulation and encourage her to come home. I let her know regularly I love her, I am always here for her and that she is my priority.

All I can say is in time the crash will come ... in one month I will meet my WH in court and his day will finally come. His finances will come to a standing halt.

I have waited almost 21 months for my day in court. It took me this long because I didn't realize early on the extent money was playing into his waywardness.

It has been tough being patient. Somedays I want to come out of my skin because I am like, "Enough already ... why won't he face any consequences."

Then I go back to realize they are coming ... they aren't on my time ... they are on God's time. My greatest lesson learned was not realizing the money was a huge factor in keeping his adultery alive and kickin'

I know it is hard to watch them get away with this putrid evil ... I promise you in due time it will all come to fruition.

I am waiting for karma to pay a visit to PEGI.

Good luck with your day in court, the countdown is on after a long wait. Sadly sometimes recognising the money issue isn't enough, its not always possible to stop waywards. Frustrating no matter where you stand, hindsight or knowing and not being able to stop all avenues.

I would appreciate comments regaring how to reply to Isildur (via my wonderful IM of course)

I'm not sure whether DD16 is wanting to drop out of the course and has been gaslighting with regard to the comments that my conversations with staff is making it uncomfortable for her at school, that other students are aware of what is happening and the the schools concern about her state of mind based on my "alleged" conversations about this. But then why would she need to do this, the reference to harrassment would give her our support and we would take the necessary action to stop it.

Or is this possibly Isildur's attempt at controlling/manipulating me and using DD16 as ammo against me, given he has stated there is a danger she will leave the course if I continue to make it uncomfortable at school ... I'm the scapegoat again.

Either way, I have only discussed with the staff my concern for her absences given she was enjoying the course and progressing really well. I did note my concern that our separation maybe impacting her studies. This was discussed for the first time Thursday afternoon and I doubt staff would discuss this with other students.

How should I respond to Isildur, any thoughts ???

I don't think you need to respond to WH. What could you say anyway that would be useful?

If you do not have a journal for writing facts down, start one now.

Make it a book which has set pages (not easily added or taken out) and date each entry.

Put things like
Date
Informed via IM that WH is not concerned about DD's school issue of sexual harrassment.
Have appointment with school staff on (date) and am meanwhile inquiring about (whatever and whatever).

same with any other issue of the situation (mortgage, kids)

Maybe I missed it somewhere, Happy, but if you live at home with the kids, why is HE left to pay ( or NOT) the mortgage? Can you go after enough alimony/CS from him to pay the house payment yourself? Freeze other assets so he cannot sell them/refinance them, whatever without your approval? Or is there anything else YOU could hurry and sell off yourself to get some back-up funds put away?

Surely a judge would do something about this grossly irresponsible behavior - a husband/father defaulting on the mortgage to pay for vacations/shopping sprees for some skank? He's got a real gem there. This cannot last long.

AGREED! Yes, he is definitely trying to control/manipulate you! No professional school would say those things, and they certainly wouldn't pass on info to other students. FAR more likely that Isildur is making things up. If he cared about his daughter, he wouldn't be doing all this. Sad when it comes to them being so sick they use their own children just to get to you, but they do. IGNORE Isildur! Yuck! He deserves no response from you whatsoever.

Focus on taking care of your daughter, and forget him. He should not be in the middle of you and your daughter. Refuse to allow that. Don't let him get to you. WH's know the best way to get to their BS's when all else fails, is to get to your kids. That's the weak spot for most of us. Don't let him use your love and concern for your children against you.

Get the FACTS you need from the school. Even if you cannot force your daughter to come home (and maybe you could if you could prove she's in physical or emotional danger and needs to be with you), certainly as her mother you can expect her to see you and communicate with you? Do you pay for her cell phone? Shut it off if she won't talk to you. I would set up an appointment - if you can't reach her, inform the mother of the friend she is staying with when you will be picking her up. Take her to dinner, or on a drive, or whatever, and just talk. Do what you've been doing - express love and concern, and get whatever factual information you can from her.

Maybe you can completely ignore comments from Isildur to her? If you feel you need to address them with her, maybe you should. I'm no expert on that. But it might help if you could be the parent who is emotionally stable enough to not put her in the middle, to just focus on her and your relationship with her, show that his lies aren't getting to you, and let her begin seeing the difference for herself. She knows her dad is begin a scumball, sadly.

If the appointment is several days away, and you are concerned for the safety of your daughter, I would request an earlier appointment - or at least ask for some information from an administrator over the phone. You have every right to know what's going on, and need to, in fact.

When do you have the meeting at your DS's school, Happy? Everything ok?

What are your legal rights to his money and assests, happy?

That seems to be his achilles heel. Starve him of money and both his affair fuel and his bribes to your daughter, end.

Course its just a matter of time before he burns through all the money anyway, which is why it is important you secure any assests/alimony you can.

I'm not sure why an informal arrangement better helps you protect your son from Pegi? What's to stop him bringing her around him?

Reading:Thankss for feedback. I took your advice and did not reply. I have sent an update via IM after my meeting with the Dean of Studies.

I have been keeping a journal, but thank you for the advice. Didn't think to document mortgage only matters relating to children for any potential custody matters. I have emails as evidence regarding the mortgage, these have been forwarded to my lawyer.

Happy, I'm not sure if you have read Mortarman's thread. At least I think it was MM's and stand to be corrected.

He kept a journal (handwritten) on EVERYTHING about WW.

When it got to Court, he took his journal with him. He referred to his notes. His WW couldn't keep up and in true wayward fashion her lies tripped her up.

Sometimes integrity and values don't bring immediate reward, especially when faced with an unremorseful wayward. But long term the rewards are plenty. You continue to teach your kids invaluable lessons. I have worked with teens whose parents fail to set the example as you now are. Well done.

How did things go with the Dean?

Being SAHM we had been meeting mortgage and expenses from the "joint income pool" his wage and our jooint rental income. I hadn't originally claimed CS or spousal maintenance as he was meeting these. The balance of the rental income we split.

He threatened to default if I didn't increase the mortgage and agree to reduce the sale price (less than the market value)of our investment property. Unfortunately he proceeded with this. Our rental income is part paying the mortgage and he but he is not covering the shortfall. I can apply for spousal maintenance to cover my share of mortgage.

We have sold our former family home (relocated 12mths ago, tried to sell last year decided to rent out) and the settlement is on Friday. I am hoping give the mortgage has been reduced he will reconsider defaulting. If not then I will go spousal maintenance, this is short term though, our law does not provide for long term support.

I agree it says lot about PEGI's character, what type of woman would support this behaviour..... the same type that steals a married man with three children.

It sounds like your relying an awful lot on him to do the right things, or be persuaded to be.

I would get as many formal arrangements, like the spousal support, as you can get.

Waywards can be counted on to make the make the worst possible decisions.

Rainy, I spoke with the Dean of Studies yesterday, she is on board with supporting DD16. She confirmed the students were unaware of the reason for DD16 absences and that the staff had not discussed my conversations with DD16.

I'm not sure whether DD16 is being a typical teen and using the situation to her advantage as a way out, or whether this is Isildur being a wayward, or both.

I'm still trying to investigate the harrassment and her not feeling comfortable in the school environment. Not an easy task at the moment, DD16 is angry at me, the only thing she has indicated about school, is that it is crap, the tutor is crap and it won't help with her animation (end goal .. Degree in Digital Technologies - Animation). Other than that she is ignoring me. Had unpleasant converation via text messages yesterday, sprouting the wayward babble Isildur had fed her earlier, I don't know whether he and PEGI are at it again, or whether I am a scapegoat.

At this point the Dean is supporting and encouraging her, I have to trust that Isildur will do the right thing. I am giving her a few days to calm down as there is no point trying to reach her at the moment, she will not listen, it will only do more damage.

I have indicated that her behaviour (text messages) was unacceptable. I told her I love her, was willing to support her and will always be here for her if she needed me.

DD16 pays for her own phone (pay as you go/prepaid) from the money she earns working part time, otherwise your suggestion would be good.

Legal grounds - with regard to assets 50/50, although originally he offered a better division, I could keep family home. Still trying to negotiate Settlement Agreement. With regard to his earnings the only claim I have is CS, which he is currently paying. I can apply for spousal maintenance, which is only temporary to allow spouse time to get on their feet financially. No alimony here like in the US. I have spoken with lawyer about applying for this given he is defaulting on mortgage and stated he will only pay his share of rates and isurance etc.

Our crazy law. If we enter a formal agreement through the Family Court I can not prevent PEGI has solo access to DS6. An informal arrangement I can say no PEGI cannot have solo access to DS6. I would like to prevent any access but unfortunately I need to prove DS6 physical safety is at risk.