Pepper - do you know where this quote originally came from? The John Thornton one? This made me cry. It is so true, so heart-breaking. If only the waywards could see it themselves.

I do not.
I heard it in church & had to jot it down .

Well, it's a good one. And so is your elaboration on it. Just wondered if there was more good reading that went along with it. Thank you for sharing it.

Finding,

I believe in poly's. I believe they can 'inspire' your WH to come clean with the truth, and I also believe he has not done that. I have a VERY similar sitch, H had a ONS with drunk girl he worked with (got drunk together on a business trip, sound familiar?) and kept it a secret for almost a decade. His personality changed (or rather, the guilt brought out the WORST in him), and he went on to have a number of other inappropriate relationships which he hid from me. He spent that decade judging and criticizing me, I assume because the more he convinced himself that I was not a good wife/good catch/worthy of him, the more he could justify being a lying cheating a$$. He was emotionally unavailable, critical, judgmental, hostile. Until I snapped and went off the deep end and demanded to know what he was hiding from me. It took me a year of trickle truths and a "you ARE doing a poly or I am leaving" before I found out about the ONS. (NOTE: he still hasn't done the poly. But the threat of a looming one did bring out a lot of info. Still need to do one to confirm there isn't more though). His personality and demeanor has definitely done a 180 since that moment he confessed. He says now he was going to 'take it to the grave' and he believes in hindsight it was a huge emotional barrier to him connecting with me, how can you connect/bond with someone when you have this huge deceitful lie in between you?

So I say schedule a poly. Tell him you do not believe some of the stories he has told you such as about the hotel room, and that if he has told you the truth he should welcome the opportunity to prove that to you. The looming poly alone could provoke more info. But frankly, I want the proof of a passed poly at the end.

The good news is that you can break through this. My WH has definitely done a 180 in attitude. Still in the beginning stages of recovery, dealing with a lot of resentment, dragging our feet on some of the work, etc. so we have a LONG way to go to recover, but he is definitely engaged in a way he hasn't been for a long long time.

I disagree that you should not continue fighting over something that happened 8 yrs ago. Don't fight about it, but you cannot just get over it any more than you can get over an affair that happened yesterday. Trust me I know. I had friends who said 'it happened a DECADE ago let it go!' when to me, it was as if it DID happen yesterday because I had just found out about it. The same rules apply as with any other affair. Get ALL your questions answered. Then stop discussing it, but not before you have all the information you need.

I believe you have been living with a serial cheater and have been lied to and trickle truthed for a long long time. Serial cheater doesn't have to mean he has slept with 100 different women, just that he has poor boundaries and has multiple inappropriate relationships and interactions. If you want any chance of recovery here, it needs to start with the complete truth. Otherwise you are building a foundation on sand.

Those are good points, unwritten. Maybe a polygraph is the best thing. I would make sure you know who's doing it, how it will work, and what information you will get from it.

Just to clarify, I did say I knew she would have to deal with the affair from 8 years ago. I was not suggesting that she simply brush it under the rug. I'm sure there's 8 years of garbage that needs to be uncovered. I only meant to temporarily set it aside for a few days while she gathers her wits. It sounded like they were fighting over it constantly, which seems futile until she has a plan to move forward toward truth and recovery.

Hi FMWH, I lost your thread with the change of name ... good idea to protect your anonmnity.

You have been receiving great advice so far.


Plan A is also good for you b/c you are being "your best self" in such difficult circumstances it helps with personal growth. Whenever you find it tough or need to vent post here. You will find support and encouragement, we've all been there and know what you are feeling and experiencing.

Like Reading said prepare for Plan B. This helps you to focus on yourself and children and gives you the necessary distance from your WH to heal. Your need to step back from the drama and pain, the drama actually feeds the A. Plan B also gives your WH the opportunity to experience life without you, as you are no longer meeting his ENs, it falls upon the OW and in time they begin to LB with AO and DJ as their relationship is built on deception and selfishness. Focusing on the benefits of Plan B helps during the times you miss WH.

You are doing well, stay strong and post whenever you have questions, concerns or need to vent

Are you still in Plan A? Carrot and stick of Plan A

Will your WH take a poly? Polygraph Testing

Are you getting ready for Plan B? How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter Samples

Here's some more.
Parallel Parenting
IM Training School