You stop talking about the affair when he answers ALL your questions and then you never bring it up again.

Yes working on MB materials counts as UA, but should not be your majority. You need some RC and SF. You need to be meeting the four top ENs in your UA time. RC, IC, SF and Affection.


Here The Policy of UA

Hello,
I wanted to give an update on my situation and ask for further advise. I have been monitoring for the past month via phone spyware and keyloggers and haven't found evidence that any contact is there between OW and WH. I also never received any further contact from OW BH. I wasn't able to provide him phone bills proving the A because the phone company reissued the phone number. Maybe he doesn't believe it.

My question is now what. I have made my EP's which I think need more added. Only half have been done. I am becoming increasingly wrestless with the situation. I have discussed this with WH and he just does one small action to get me to move on. I've tried to explain that I need action not empty words. His words mean nothing.

I read on another thread that you can't drag WH up the mountain of recovery. I feel like that is what I'm doing and I don't know how to get him motivated. I believe he wants to fix this but doesn't show any effort that he is willing to do that hard work.

Would it be out of line to add posting here as an EP? He thinks reading the books will suffice but it is not. I'm still unhappy and extremely wrestless. I for the first time in my life actually enjoy the attraction of other men and that scares me to death.

Maybe WH just needs direction from somewhere. He isn't listening to me. He is also having a hard time stopping behaviors that are offensive to me, like checking out other woman right in front of me. He even stated, what do you want, for me to live in a box. GRRRR No I want to feel safe out in public without you directly offending me when a pretty woman walks by. He thinks calling me pretty constantly and being affectionate is all that its going to take to fix this.

Meeting his EN has been easy up to this point but now because I'm growing wrestless with lack of progress I'm find them all hard to meet again. Thats not good.

I just don't know where to go from here. How do I let him know I'm serious about real recovery since so much time has passed. I've lost a little weight in my words. I really want him to post here to get guidance but I've mentioned it several times with no action.

Yes you can make one of your EPs for him to post here.

What were your other EPs? Post them here.

Also listen to this clip of Dr. Harley talking about men "gawking" at women.
Radio clip on gawking at women

Tell us what you think.

My EP's are:

Spyware on cell phone that I put on it -done
Delete all unknown contacts on phone -done
No contact with any person from town where SSL took place -done
Joint checking account -ndone
Avoid conversation with opposite sex without wife present -done


Feel like I should add:

Post weekly to Marriage builders forum
Read marital books 4 out of 7 nights a week
No porn
Finish reading Every man's battle.


He has made me do all of these things as well which is annoying but I have nothing to hide so I've done them.
Do those sounds reasonable? Any suggestions would be great.

I have listened to the radio clip. It all sounds good but I've stated that it makes me uncomfortable and I got the response of I don't even know I'm doing it. I told him I can tell. After the 4th of July when he had extreme eyefulls of half naked people I stated that he was very sexually charged and I knew it wasn't from me. I just get you're crazy and I don't know I'm doing it. I don't know how to respond to that. I know that isn't honest.

To me its another deliberate lack of changing a behavior that I find offensive. Which falls under the lack of motivation he is having to get better.

Your conditions would be these.
1. end all contact with the OW for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Can you afford the coaching center? What about emailing the radio show?

All those listed are in place. I guess they need to be on paper. Polygraph wouldn't be possible until tax time and coaching is out we have 5 kids and he is working way under pay due to company shutting doors.

I will email the show today. I've been reading every thread that comes across the screen. I'm not sure if that is making my restlessness worst but he just isn't getting the point.

So far I've exposed, contacted OW BH, put keyloggers on computers, added spyware to his phone, gps in his car and on phone. But how do I motivate him to want to do this work?

I've emailed the show. Do you know if they respond to every email or just the ones aired on the show. I am anxiously waiting to have some direction. Maybe we should just separate so we can start fresh with the recovery process.

Yes they respond to every email. They will send you a free book also.

Stay on top of it because sometimes spam picks up their email. So if you don't hear back in a couple of days try again and let the MODS know.

Did he write the NC letter?

Listen to this clip of Dr. Harley explaining about men looking at other women.
Radio clip on Men Looking at Other Women

No he hasn't. He doesn't actually know her name or whereabouts. It was a random connection through craigslist. They chose not to share names because they both knew they were going into this a an affair. I figured out her name through her phone number but I never shared it with wh.

Good and don't share it with him.

So now that you have her name can expose to her side? Find her on Facebook?

Will this still be effective a year later do you think? I'm willing to do it if you think its a good idea. I know there isn't any contact.

I have her phone #, address, facebook page, and I think her workplace.

Is she married? At the very least, her BH needs to be told even if it's been a year out.

I did notify him via certified letter a month ago. He called asking for proof but I was unable to obtain it because wh old phone number had been reassigned. I thought about maybe writing everything I know down and sending it visa certified mail. He hasn't contacted me again though. Anyone that you think should know?

I would write the information and send it to her BH.

Can you find family of hers on her facebook? I would let them know.

What did he say about posting?

I will write the letter today to Ow BH. Do you have any links to sample exposure letters via facebook. She has her maiden name listed as well so exposing to her family will be easy.

They are all in here Exposure 101