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Have you sent your BH a heart felt apology letter?
Not one blaming him for not meeting your EN. A letter of you taking 100% responsibility?
If not, I would and post it here for feedback.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Lest anyone misunderstand this .... . Men are simple in the sense that men are not complicated creatures, like we women. My comment should not be taken as meaning men are simple minded, or less clever, or less deserving. Men are, for the most part, easier to please than most women. Men are like an abacus. Slide the beads along the rod, and soon you'll have results. Simple. Straightforward. Women are like a rubik's cube. Tricky. Things must be in just the right order and performed in the correct sequence. Complicated. I knew what you meant, Pep 
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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I often wonder how I allowed sexual resentment to enter my life. I had one relationship before I met my now husband and that guy cheated on me left and right. He also could not have sex with me unless an adult video was playing in the background. He was also an alcoholic. And the only reason that mattered is because it's why I ultimately ended our relationship. Instead, it should have ended the first time I found out he was cheating. But I thought we were madly in love and he would come around and be faithful again I suppose.
My H was different, but expressed interest in many things throughout our marriage. Webcam sex, chat rooms, adult videos, Big O events, etc. So, instead of feeling admired and loved, I felt I was being compared to model perfect porn stars. All the flowery words from him no matter how sincere they sounded wouldn't change that for me. I guess I participated because I thought "this will please him". And it left me feeling unloved, cold, bitter, and resentful. I grew to hate having sex.
But just like you said, because I could show that affection to someone else and had a PA with someone else, it's almost like that is my BS's security blanket now. At first I felt like he was just trying to mark his territory. Reading your post, I don't feel so alone in my WW foggy thinking now. I'm coming to understand it. Wrong as it is/was. Understanding goes a long way, though.
Daily the fog continues to lift. I try instead of fail to try.
I do still question why I felt so incredibly empty for 3 years prior to my A. Am trying not to focus on that as much though and just hope that through the rebuilding process and restoration that goes away.
I still feel absolutely alone. Like I now have a black mark on my forehead for all to see. I try to tell myself that I am still a valuable human being on this ball of mud we call earth, but today is just one of those days that the sadness has hit over the mess I've made. Remembering all the helpful advice I've received thus far on MB. I'm so thankful to all of you that have taken the time to help me out. You've dedicated your valuable time to come here and try to help. I'll always be grateful.
Time to go send my BS a nice text. CR8, Try not to fall into the Pity Pit...believe me I know it is hard not to do. I have stepped in it quite a few times the past few months. I would strongly suggest getting back on AD medicine. It has done wonders for me. How well do you and your H communicate? Do you feel comfortable communicating with him sexually? Exploring and encouraging him to do things that you might like? I have always been somewhat shy and leery about a lot of things but recently I have been much more honest and open with him as far as what I like, what I don't and why I resented him sexually. If you begin to do it slowing and honestly without harsh or hurtful words, it might make a difference. I hope this helps, and hang in there.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Apology letter? Probably not. I've written him many notes trying to explain my thought process and feelings during the days/weeks/months after D-day and they've all had an apology in them. I suppose that is not the same though.
I will work on this. Thank you for asking.
I did write that NC letter. BH is still hanging on to it after a week. Is that normal? For him not to mail it?
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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When neither of us is feeling hurt and angry, we actually communicate pretty well. Always have to be honest. Except I suppose you could say that I am not a good communicator, though, because I would rather not communicate my needs. I back down very easily when he challenges me, questions my thought process, disagrees with my feelings, etc.. My IC tried to work through this with me for 7 months. We got no where.
I feel like I've got no fight left in me this morning. No fight to save it. No fight to end it. That's a sucky place to be. He so desperately needs to here I'm all in this fight.
He is working today and left with these parting words "I don't want to get hurt again but I have no control over that." I understand what he is saying. I could have immediately said "I've been hurt, too" but I didn't. I am trying to continue cleaning up my side of the street as BrainHurts said to me. Then I felt bad that I didn't say anything. But he left within a second of saying it, I didn't have the chance. Is there anything appropriate to say after those types of comments? I'm at a loss for words.
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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No, I do not feel comfortable discussing my SN's. Never have. I always felt it was taboo. It makes me feel all sorts of dirty.
I don't even feel like I have the right to discuss it now. I allowed my body to please OM. I now feel like I should never allow my body to please anyone. Not my BH, not me, nobody. Big hurdle to overcome.
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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No, I do not feel comfortable discussing my SN's. Never have. I always felt it was taboo. It makes me feel all sorts of dirty.
I don't even feel like I have the right to discuss it now. I allowed my body to please OM. I now feel like I should never allow my body to please anyone. Not my BH, not me, nobody. Big hurdle to overcome. This might help. How to Overcome Sexual Aversion
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He is working today and left with these parting words "I don't want to get hurt again but I have no control over that." I understand what he is saying. I could have immediately said "I've been hurt, too" but I didn't. As posted to you earlier ... it is no longer about you. When thoughts like this go through your mind ... trigger yourself to understand ... you murdered your betrayed husband. You are still equating having an affair to your lack of needs met in the marriage. You are putting your adultery in that same category, and it isn't something you can compare. Repeat...Repeat...Repeat Your adultery is one of the most painful experiences he will feel until the day he dies. He will learn to move through it ... he will learn to not get angry over it ... he will never learn to not feel it. You both failed miserably to meet each other's emotional needs in your marriage. You both had lovebusters that destroyed your love in your marriage. He chose to be faithful You chose to cheat .... here in lies the problem. As you begin to heal him ... he will reciprocate to heal you ... as he begins to build trust he will become more vulnerable. This is where your hard work comes into play. You have to buck up and accept you no longer have the luxury of using the "You didn't meet my needs" game ... instead you have to drop all of your anger and resentment that was in you before your adultery ... you have to drop all bitterness and expectations. You simply have to walk an action ... each and every minute ... walk your action ... meet his needs and discuss how you need your needs met as well. Work POJA and PORH daily ... work it minute by minute ... As this marathon gets going ... you are only at mile marker 0.5 ... you will begin to feel the pain ... it will burn just like your legs do when you hit mile marker 13.0 .... but once you cross that marker ... your body has finally adjusted to the pain ... you have conditioned yourself to make it ... you will no longer feel the pain. In the end at mile marker 26.0 you will feel love ... true genuine love
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Is there anything appropriate to say after those types of comments? I'm at a loss for words "I am deeply sorry to have caused you pain." <~~~ good "I'm sorry you got hurt." <~~~ not so good "I'm sorry you feel that way." <~~~ crappy "I'm sorry, but I'm hurt too." <~~~  At least you kept yourself from going "there". PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION Soothe your "taker" in some ways (self care) in order to refill your energy tank and keep your "giver" in charge of your choices. At least for now, OK? Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint!
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No, I do not feel comfortable discussing my SN's. Never have. I always felt it was taboo. It makes me feel all sorts of dirty.
I don't even feel like I have the right to discuss it now. I allowed my body to please OM. I now feel like I should never allow my body to please anyone. Not my BH, not me, nobody. Big hurdle to overcome. SF in adultery is just that dirty, slimmy, sleazy, putrid SF in a loving committed relationship is a HIGH beyond a HIGH You have to put your mind over matter because you are still foggy and selfish. The goal is to get vulnerable ... the goal is to move towards love. SF will be an ecstasy HIGH when you and your BH make it past this anger and this resentment. When he can trust you again. The goal is to work your top ENs for 25+ hours/week. This will trigger your brain chemicals to want to then top off these emotions with SF ... it will be great. Please start to understand that SF is not great in Adultery ... SF is BEYOND HEAVEN in a relationship with a spouse that you love. Work it from that angle. You have missed out ... you are correct ... your Pre-A marriage and your adultery didn't even hit the mark as to what is coming. When you work the program .... work towards true genuine love without any lovebusters ... your SF will be so incredible you haven't seen anything like it yet.
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If you have Netflix, try watching the 1992 English film, Enchanted April . It's about 4 women who travel to Italy on a holiday. They all have problems with relationships, each in their own way. Pay special attention to the character Lottie Wilkins. Especially when she arrives at her ephihony about "measuring" and "fairness" in her marriage. Then, pay attention to what happens when she plan A's her husband, and makes love bank deposits. Lottie is not a WW, but the life lesson is still really good. It's a total chick flick, but I love it. Not to mention, the acting is superb! (well, it is British, after all) 
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I'm glad I came here this morning instead of holding it in. Thank you for helping me through. I am going to continue to work towards progress and not allowing his comments over the past 24 hours set me back.
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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I've also had Shirley Valentine recommended to me. Any reviews on that?
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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I've also had Shirley Valentine recommended to me. Any reviews on that? She has an affair. I think it's a bad choice right now.
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Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508780This link to an old MB thread of mine was written as I was reading one of Dr Harley's less popular books. It helped deepen my understanding of the GIVER and the TAKER, and the importance of reverence for both in the marriage. One concept that will probably be new to you is how long term sacrificing is detrimental, and creates an incompatible lifestyle. Read the thread understanding that for now, we are asking you to suspend your needs (for awhile) as a strategy of drawing your BH back to you (Plan A) ..... But that "plan A for life" is really stupid. People used to post that, which is why I started the thread .... I must compliment you. The reason I am spending so much time with you is because you are very open to learning. Not every WW is as receptive as you .... As foggy as you still are, you show promise. I KNOW there is a shining star inside .... We are drawing her out, little by little. Keep your chin up.
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PrayIncessantly wrote a brilliant post. Read it many, many times when you feel you are running out of steam. You are essentially in Plan A ... And part of Plan A is self care, to keep your TAKER happy. Don't fail to do self care. It's so important we will remind you frequently. We are especially partial to the mani/pedi . 
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I have felt many times this is going to be me...Plan A for life. With nothing in return and that I cannot expect anything in return. Thank you for sharing.
I did have some pampering yesterday. When I started the A, I changed my haircolor to one I knew OM liked. Then I ended up really liking it and even my H seemed to like it.
I thought that one way I could make a positive change and not be reminded of OM when I looked in the mirror each day to do my hair, was to change the color back to my natural brown. Found a new stylist that I knew through Cub Scouting and she did a wonderful job yesterday. (And for half the price I was previously paying! Score!)
When I came home, my oldest son was like "I love that!" and it seemed everyone had the same reaction. For them, it's the "old" me - even though it's just hair color, it still had a big impact on going back to my natural roots so to say.
I'm leary of self care because BS has made me feel very selfish every time I've indulged in self care. It could have been as simple as going to the library and enjoying a latte with a couple of magazines. It could have been elaborate as facial and makeup lesson. I have come to understand that most self care for mer personally does involve spending a little cash. I try to limit that because it puts stress on him and I have found nature walks to be very soothing for my soul. In the here and now, with no trust, he is not okay with that. I continue to find ways.
Also, thank you for saying that I show promise. That made me cry. To feel some hope through all of this is huge. And that another human that doesn't even know me, half way across the world, is willing to invest time and energy into me...it just means more than gold right now. TY!
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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I cry frequently. DD22 is an esthatician. Yesterday she was waxing my chin so I no longer resemble a hairy boar's butt. She had put hard wax on both sides of my mouth. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to smile. The resulting grimace was so funny, we could not stop laughing. I laughed all the way to tears. The mascara suffered greatly, but the tears were entirely worth the release. I like it when people cry. It gives everyone an opportunity to ((( hug ))) someone. Yes, if you did the math, I am 40 years older than DD22. She thinks I am hilarious and posts on FB many of my comments to her, and some of my texts too. The lack of respect !!!!!
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BH asked me what my EN's are. I have been trying to fill out the questionnaire to help me answer. I am coming up completely blank. Why am I having such a tough time with the questionnaire? I feel like I don't know how to express them or what's most important to me. What does this mean? I feel stuck.
Me: WW...working on the FWW status
Him: BS
2 kids; Married 15 yrs.
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