it's done. and guess what? not only was i not angry, i didn't even cry! part of that may have been the anti-ax. but i feel oddly at peace. no big love affair, which i had always played in my head. just a cheap encounter with an even cheaper harlot looking for a sugar daddy, and WH wasn't interested in being one of those. he is immensely sorry for the pain he caused our family. i am now looking forward to recovery. we still have a LOT to work towards. marathon, not sprint. but i think i can do it.

relief!

Well done Letty. I am so glaad things went well for you, onwards and upwards.

X2!

I say take it as is Marriage recovery and personal growth.

Cheers!!

So glad to hear it!

You've done a great job, Letty.

Letty - so happy for you!!!

well, i haven't posted all week, mostly because i don't have anything new to say. i've felt a bit up and down, but all is going well. i just have to remind myself: marathon.

H is doing a good job on his part. sometimes i still feel crappy, so i started keeping a list of all the things he's doing. then when i feel crappy, i can look at it and watch it grow and feel more positive.

thanks for all the virtual high-5s. it did make my day :O)

Well, you've certainly helped me this week, Letty Thank you! Kinda crazy you can be so uplifting to others when you have so much of your own stress. I am jealous that your hubby loves you enough to at least try. Of course I know it's different when you're in it. There is hope, though! Keep up the great work

Keep looking at that list. Weekends getting closer ... enjoy I think the forecast is for sunny weather! Enjoy you deserve it.

As long as you keep that bar high, I'm not worried. That is the biggest mistake a BS makes. Have you read the threads on Recovery? They might help you out. There's a lot of wisdom out there. And you're right, it's a marathon, not a sprint. It takes a lot of time. You'll get there.

One thing I do, Letty, is that if H sends me a sweet text or email - or gives me a card - I make sure to save it. That way, in the darker moods, I have something to go back to that reaffirm his love for me. There are particular times of the month I need that because in those emotional moments, I tend to question if he's "really sorry enough" and run bad movies of the past through my brain. I try very hard not to give into those urges as they don't do me any good. Re-reading the good things helps me get out of that place.

well, rainy, it's far easier to see others' sitches clearly than your own! lol. besides, i *was* where you are at one point. no, my H did not move in with OW, but he certainly had plans to. i'll never be able to forget those words he told me, but they do lessen with time.

scotty - yep. bar so high it's in nosebleed territory. i can't believe i was so blind and desperate not to do this before. we really do teach people how to treat us, and when we're willing to settle for crumbs, well, crumbs is what we get. but when we're not, they can relearn. MBs steps to romantic love is what really makes the difference.

happy - yes, i am looking forward to a nice weekend, especially with rain forecast next week! still wondering what to do about my horse, but that's for another post.

sunny, it's interesting that you keep all your cards. i have a lovely old-fashioned wooden album my sister gave me. i have kept every single item we've ever given each other and pasted them in with photos and other momentos. it has a plaque "the first 10 years." i have another pile ready for the 2nd ten years, but haven't had the strength to start it, as "that" year is barren. when in the midst of the a, he completely skipped my 40th birthday and our wedding anniversary. maybe when the 20th year arrives, i'll be able to collate it all together. one thing we did after NC was take a lovely holiday all around NZ together. our first extended holiday. that will be a good start.

ok, it's friday, let the weekend begin!

so, i finally got the book lovebusters in the mail. it was a bit daunting when i opened it - it's twice as big as the others! but boy, did i see us in that opening chapter. you see, before H's a, we had developed two separate lives. for years i tried to integrate our lives together, but he was such a workaholic, so full of IB, and resisted, sometimes (metaphorically) violently, my attempts to make us a family unit.

eventually, after a decade, about a year after we moved to this country, i just gave up. i realised/decided i was going to have to make my own way in this lonely place, and started doing things that interested me. i bought a horse, learned to kayak, took scuba diving lessons, etc. i went my way and he his, and sometimes we met in the middle. we became more and more distanced once i stopped pushing for togetherness, and then, whoopsie-daisy, the a happened, and the whole house of cards came tumbling down (surprise! there was nothing holding it up!). that was a bitter pill to swallow; after all the years i'd tried to create a marriage, and HE was the one that went and did that.

it hurt to read that chapter, because i could see us so clearly, and how much we disliked each other, and how i was hanging in there because i was Married, but how i was rolling the idea of divorce, once our child was grown, around in the back of my mind like it was an option.

it's horrible that something so awful and life changing has to happen before people pull their heads out and get with the programme. i am so glad i found MB, and so very happy that we are starting to experience romantic love again. (let this be a post i can return to on days i feel crappy!)

Good for you, Letty! Awesome attitude! I'm glad you can feel some love again, and I hope it just keeps getting better for you.

Just dropping in to say hi. I have my parents, daughter, and her beau in town and S18's graduation tonight. So, busy week for me! But, I'm glad to hear you got Lovebusters and are going through it.

I think a lot about "had we just have known" how we could have avoided so much pain.

With my parents here, there are so many times when I want to tell my mother off for the awful way she treats my father..and about how she's LBing him all over the place! I tried to in a subtle way yesterday, but she's too obstinate and selfish to care. It's painful to watch. Yet, my dad has never cheated on her.

My H and I had gone our separate ways too, in a lot of ways. It wasn't so much that we treated each other badly - we just had different mindsets and priorities. So, I understand what you're saying, Letty, about trying to get closer during those years and finally just setting your own course. I think that's what happens in a lot of marriages. We want to avoid "fighting" and then we end up in two different worlds.

Here's to MB! May our kids learn from our mistakes and put the work in their marriages one day so they can avoid the pitfalls.

progress is ongoing, yay! had third appt with MC yesterday and made progress on communication with H. some practice w/discussion, etc. i remembered to take the anti-AX so i could be calm and not strung out. it was a good session. it was nice to feel good walking out of there.

am reading lovebusters, and started at the AO chapter, since i felt that was my biggest problem. however, the case studies there were far beyond my own experience. when i get frustrated, and then angry, my response is to raise my voice (because clearly he's not listening, right?!), and sometimes, if i get very angry, use hurtful words, then leave the room. i feel this is an angry outburst. however, is it more classifiable as SD and DJ? i am unclear on this.

UA time is way up. we've got a 3 day weekend this weekend, and i am looking forward to the extra time. plus, H has shown interest in going to brisbane for an event together. if we can swing it financially (it costs more to fly to auckland than it does to oz! but it costs about the same in gas & parking to drive up there to catch the international flight, only instead of an hour on the plane, it's nearly 5.5 hours in the car), it would be fun for us. we are also planning a weekend away during the next school holidays (in 5 weeks, not that i'm counting), as well as attending an event here in november, which would be another weekend away.

going away is not something we have done a lot of, as two workaholics. so this is exciting for me.

sunday we had 23 degree day (warm), then yesterday was forecast at 13. it was actually 9. bitter cold. today is also forecast as 14, but i am dressed for 8! no heating in my classroom, bah!

Awesome, Letty! You are doing so well! No heating in your classroom? Okay, I'll quit complaining about mine.

Are you in NZ? My kids were looking up teaching jobs there. They want to move far, far away. Can't say I blame them. How is teaching there? I had no idea it got that cold, though.

So glad you and hubby are working on things. You sound really good, like you are taking responsibility for your own "stuff" and working to change what is within your power to change. Way to go! Hope you have a great weekend away!

hey rainy! nz has its pros and cons. we are close to the south pole, and have our own alps, so it does get cold! we live in a place that's known for its "mild" winters. that still means 0 degree temps overnight and not much warmer during the day, strong winds, and pelting down rain. when there's snow on the mountains around us (like now) brrrrr!

nz houses are infamous for their lack of insulation and central heat. new houses will be insulated and have a "heat pump" (think air conditioner that does heat as well), but electricity here is VERY expensive. so is natural gas. so is, well, everything. a new house in a centre larger than a few thousand people will run you an easy 400-500K. if you want to live in auckland, you can add about 3 more 100Ks+.

teaching here is ok, but the system is completely different. school starts (for students) at 8.30 for high school and 9am for elementary. schools get out anywhere from 3 - 3.15 (they stagger them so mums can pick up kids at different schools). high school is 5 1-hour periods a day. english, science, and math is compulsory for all for 4 years, the 5th year can be more about what the student wants to do. usually, only students who want to go to university attend year 13, but with few jobs and fewer apprenticeships, more and more are staying longer, unfortunately, just to play sport or do one kind of class while still having to take other subjects. oh - everyone who wants to can be on a sport/cultural team. if 150 kids want to play rugby, we have as many teams as necessary to accommodate them all. same for anything else.

i teach all levels of high school, including scholarship, and the english curriculum does NOT require any spelling, grammar or proper writing skills unless you are looking for "excellence" as a mark. you receive the same number of credits for an "achieved" or a "merit," so most kids just don't bother. the national assessment is separate from schools and curriculum, so you have no sway over it and very little communication about it. students study (ha!) during the year for end-of-year exams. daily work counts for nothing. there are no checks and balances (like needing to be academically eligible to play sport). they are also constantly changing it and providing little to no help. for example, last year they "realigned" (moved it up one curriculum level) the level one (year 11) standards (assessments), provided partial "sample" exemplars, then didn't provide real ones until the year was over and they were completely different! this year we are nearly halfway through the year, and oral presentations for level 2 (year 12 - realigned this year) have been completed, and there are no exemplars, partial or otherwise, at all! frankly, and i'm nowhere near alone in this, the entire system is a joke. we just do the best we can with the incredible amount of paperwork. i often have to work extra just to keep up with the paperwork. most times i don't feel i am a teacher, but a secretary! in spite of it all, i still enjoy my job. i've always been a teacher, and always wanted to be one. but when i lived in the states i taught at a university, which is significantly different from high school! oh, we are also required to do a significant amount of extra-curricular work for no extra pay. i have duty 2x/week, meetings anywhere from 2x/month to 4x/week, and night-time parent-teacher meetings 3x/year. i teach scholarship at 7am mondays (on top of my "regular" schedule - it's voluntary and part of my extra-curricular), public speaking 2 hours a week, and am the only teacher in charge of the school ball, which is a 3 month process. overnight trips and overseas trips are not unheard of. basically, i have 1 hour a week during the school day for myself: friday, when i go OUT to lunch! on that day, i get to pee as well! lmao.

are your kids are interested in teaching elementary? kids here start school on their 5th birthday, and are in mixed classes almost all the way through until they reach high school. i loved the primary school here for our daughter. i homeschooled when we lived in the states, but the elementary school here made me change my mind and send her. they were terrific. primary (elementary) schools here are far advanced in using technology in the classroom, but high schools lag VERY far behind. i have a lot of friends who teach primary. they are all tech-heads like me.

sorry, that was probably WAY more info than you wanted! but feel free to ask any particular questions they may have. i can direct you to the right places. the first thing they would have to do is apply to NZQA to get their american qualifications accepted here (costs about $450 11 years ago when i did it). they will also have to have a job to come over. immigration is quite strict. however, schools often hire out of the country. a former colleague of mine was hired by our headmaster as she waited to catch the tube in london! he was so impressed by her when they struck up a conversation, he offered her a job! she has gone back to england now though. my school has several south africans, 2 americans (including me), 1 indian, and lots of brits. no aussies ( cara and happy!)

Looks like there is room for improvement, it missing an important element ... an Aussie

I must admit I am impressed with the primary system. Its a great idea having a new entrant's class. Children start when they turn 5 regardless of the time of year. They begin in a new entrance class and the following year proceed to year 1. Great for July babies, rather than waiting till the following year to begin school like they do in Oz.

Yes the technology is great in the primary schools, I think most schools have interactive white boards in all classrooms.

Whoa! And I thought California real estate was expensive!