Who forgot about romance on vacation? Did you plan a romantic evening and she didn't show? Hmm?

YOU are going to have to make the first move here, buddy, and keep making them. You don't have to call her friends. Ask your friends, ask your neighbor who they use as a sitter.

Stop being the bag handler and start being a 'boyfriend'.

Actually, that's not correct.

Your actions will affect her willingness, and this program can work well if only the husband is willing to pick up HNHN, etc.

Every marriage that comes here has one reluctant spouse, you know.


You can talk to a regular physician.

I never heard of a government watchlist for antidepressants! But then again, I'm definitely not an expert on the subject. And I do have to show ID just to get sudafed now...

**EDIT**

Here's the thing, NYC - in the whole Life Business of working and raising kids, the two of you neglected the relationship that would keep the ship afloat: YOUR MARRIAGE.

She is no longer in love with you. The good news is that the two of you can right this ship and rebuild your marriage. You may have to do the yeoman's work at first, but if you can follow the MB plan you can put your marriage back together.

Have you read the articles on this site? Here's a good place to start: Read This

We're spending more time together, bit now she has gone back to college to get her masters so she can be a teacher. She's gone all day Saturday, and more stressed out, home work, etc. She seems to have no capacity for being romantic. She says it takes her a long time to get in the mood, and tells me she doesnt know what gets her in the mood. So, she's never in the mood. I dont know what to do anymore.

Need MB counseling!!

Are you Doing an active Plan A?

You wrote that on 5/31. You also wrote you were ready to plan B and are tired of being in a sexless marriage.
You need to plan A your wife for 6 months. Can you do that?
Posters here will help you.
You will need to commit to posting here daily for updates and advice.
You will need to sacrifice your needs for 6 months. You aren't having sex anyway so I know you can do it.

Are you a runner? I am too. I ran the Cincinnati marathon last year and have ran around 30 half marathon races. And I place in my age group often.

This is a race. I felt like I was going to die around mile 23. And that's where you are at. Mile 23. Hang in there. Let's finish this race. You can do it. Are you willing to commit to it?

I'd be happy with any suggestions, glad to have some support. I feel like I'm pushing a rope, and it ain't workin. I was trying plan A for a while, and have been pretty good about it, but dont think she noticed. Or at least, she didnt change much of her behaviors. She has angry outbursts, independent behavior, and disrespectful judgements. But then we had plans for a date Saturday nite, going to a big outdoor party at a neighbors house. She was busy all week, new 'cleanse' diet, class on saturday, then we could be together after the party. Then, intent on having a good time... she gets belligerent, fall-down drunk, had to carry her home, embarrassed the kids, the sitter, and me. Well, there goes the w/e.

We're both running the Marine Corps marathon in 2 weeks. travel to DC, booked a hotel room, etc. I'm looking forward to the race, but I feel like she will spoil the opportunity to make a romantic evening. We did the same race last year, dinner, long conversation, shopping, long walk in the evening, then.... nothing. I'm not looking forward to doing nothing again.

I know I'm no fun anymore, so i probably do need happy pills. I'm reading a book on "low self-esteem", and I'm a text book case of a hot mess. Will have to get some, and maybe talk to somebody. I cant talk to her about it, because its a huge "turn-off" for her. ('Men with mamby-pamby feelings' etc) So, i feel like we have no emotional intimacy.

Always having to be a chaparone on dates, and have no idea how to woo her back.

So, glad to get any advice!

Is she having an affair? Did you investigate this? And is she an alcoholic? That is highly unusual for a woman to go to a party with her 3 children and pass out if she does not have some sort of alcohol problem.

The 3 kids were home with a sitter. She doesnt really drink at home, but when she goes to a party, often has too much. If I try to cut her off, she gets belligerent and angry that i'm ruining a good time. So I hate going to parties with her because she gets wrecked, starts saying really mean hurtful shtt to me, and I spend the next day nursing her hangover. So last w/e, I refused to nurse her. Told her I was done being her "enabler".

I do periodically look through her Facebook, email, and iphone to see if she is having an affair, but i dont see anything. She has read MB and says she can understand why a couple of the other moms spend more time bonding with other moms (than their hubbies) and end up having affairs.

I cant get her help to cut our expenses, so I dont have to work as much, or pay off pur debts. She sees this as my failure to meet her financial needs. "Just go to work and stop complaining because thats how my father did it." So i feel like just a paycheck and a slave on a treadmill until she's done raising the kids.

So how do i buy a keylogger without putting it on a credit card?

Paypal or get a friend to do it for you.

Another suggestion is next time you go to the grocery store or some place where you can pay with a check or debit card, make it for over the amount. Then use that extra amount to either buy what you need from a brick and mortar store.

Or use the additional cash to buy a prepaid debit card which you can then use to buy the keylogger online.

I guess this is the really frustrating part. She doesnt seem willing to spend 15-20 hours a week together. I would guess we are lucky to get 5-8 hrs. at best. So based on the comments here, that is the pre-requisit to any real improvement in the relationship. I'm really stuck here.

I "see" that you are beginning to get the advice that has been given. Now, keep taking in everything that they are telling you. YOU can change you, be the best you, clean up your act to be who you need to be. Incidentally, you being who you should be is going to fall in line with you being more of what she needs. Then there is the emotional needs, no lovebusters aspect of things. Just keep your head up and on straight. Keep working on putting everything in the right places. Keep improving yourself. As you meet more of her needs, do less lovebusters, she should soften a little. I do fear tho, that the drinking, her lack of coping skills that make her turn to drinking to feel better is a much bigger problem here. If there is an addiction, it is MUCH bigger than you.

For now don't focus on her willingness.
Just focus on plan A.
Do you understand Plan A?

When she complains about you, what are her top complaints?

What needs can you meet tomorrow?
Start with one need she needs met. What is it? How can you meet it?

Also, commit to NO love busters at all. Do you know the top live busters in your marriage?

I also encourage you to keep a journal. Write in it daily.
And as you journal your actions try to think of one thing you appreciate about your wife and write it down

She says I'm not affectionate enough, but she doesnt seem to like much. I snuggled up next to her last night, and she said it made her back hurt, would I move away. (ouch)

Gave her a hug this morning waking up.

She doesnt like the gifts i get her for birthdays or holidays. She returns almost everything i give her. (ouch!)

I have a good job and make decent money, but its never enough. She wants a bigger house, better car, vacations, we're in debt and its never enough. I've changed jobs several times, and she hates that. "unstable"

After a two-three weeks or month of no romance, I get upset with her, she hates that, cant understand why I'm angry.

When we do get together, i'm not allowed to touch her. its like she hates sex, or just me. She refuses to help make a romantic mood, no candles, music, lingerie, toys, anything. I cant understand why, and she wont tell me. If she climaxes, its by her own hand, and that 'should be good enough' for me. Why am I not allowed to touch my own wife?? ever? Its so very depressing.

I ask her what kind of date would get her in the mood, and she doesnt know. "nothing" gets her in the mood.

I used to get angry, and stay mad for days, so I quit that. But I have a difficult time getting into a good mood, making jokes, etc. I talk with her as much as she wants to talk, but she doesnt seem to want a conversation.

As I mentioned, she's gone back to school, so I think she wants me to take the kids, chores, dinner, etc and give her more time. I commute an hour, so its hard to "leave early", when people work until 6-7-8:00 but I'll do that.

We'll watch the VP debate tonight, so that will be fun.

I'll start a diary, thats a good idea. My head is full of the things I dont like about her, and my love bank is all dried up.

So, from IndieGirl's post:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2670033

I have little doubt my wife has a full blown aversion to me. This basicalky describes 10 of 13 years of 'marriage'. This seems hopeless to fix, she'll hate me if I work less or earn less, and has basically withdrawn from the relationship.

If I come home 'early' she panics, 'whats wrong'! Feeling so trapped, I hate this life.

Did you print out the emotional needs questionaire on this site? Print one for you and one for your wife to take. See if she will take the time and answer it honestly. It will give you clues as to things you could have been doing or not doing through out your marriage that caused lovebusters and closed her down.

Also, consider that it could be a psychological issue with her. While you are dating and everything in the relationship seems fun, fresh, new, sexy, that is EASY!!! No real work required (or so most people think.) When you are in the infatuation stage, life is fun, sex is great. BUT, then after the newness wears off, some people don't know how to really connect. They don't know how to love through things. Lust and sex masks those issues. Fears really muck up relationships. She may have some that you don't know about. Anyway, stay open, stay honest, stay humble, face and own everything that you need to, and you will be able to become the best YOU can be and who knows how that can help your wife and your marriage.

We both filled out the Em Needs questionaire, and then never looked at them again. I need to go dig them out. She'll say "uh ohhhh".. but np.