I would present this to him:

"Husband, I have a problem, and I'm hoping to get your help. In order to feel good about our marriage, I need more time alone with you. Can we spend some time together every day coming up with ideas for how we can get some more time alone? I really need us to solve this problem, and eventually I'm sure we can come up with the right solution."

Bring him on board. You need his cooperation, and he needs to know that. Don't put this problem on hold for another two years, and quit solving other problems first. This is the important problem, not that other stuff that's going on in life.

Sigh. Feeling discouraged. My H's idea of UA time is apparently messing around on the computer after DD goes to bed and occasionally making a comment to me about whatever it is he's reading, or playing his turn on "Words With Friends." That about sums up our alone time, other than the weekly date night.

Does he understand the policy of UA? Will he read this? The Policy of Undivided Attention

What about getting cards out or a board game and have it all set up? And say very excited " you ready for me to beat you in a game of scrabble"?

Yes, he understands it. He knows playing on the computer doesn't count for UA time. I'm just not sure if he cares.

I know I could do something like that. I should do it. I should try harder to engage him. But it always feels like I'm the only one trying. I think he's pretty much okay with the way things are. And I'm tired of being the only one who even wants to try. And maybe the problem is I just don't want to anymore. I feel very apathetic about it at this point. I don't feel much of a connection to him anymore, and I think that's largely due to long-term lack of intimacy and lack of quality UA time.

****edit*****

DS18 is her husband's child.

This from 2009.

Hi writer, I put a couple of UA ideas of Z's thread, no stress. Maybe playing words with friends together would fit somewhere too?

I think this is the real problem here.

What happens when you say "I need more time with you, and I need it to be more affectionate, and conversational, and interactive. Can we do something together tonight? Can we cook? Can we ... ?" Take out all criticism and judgment about how he prefers to spend his time, and propose another alternative that you might both like.

How does he react when you approach it like this? Without any judgment for the fact that he "should" be doing different, according to Marriage Builders?

Any chance you ever sent a message into Marriage Builders Radio?

Well, I missed the personal attack by CWMI, though whatever it was, I'm sure I wouldn't have been surprised by it.

I think our problem is mostly follow-through. When I talk to him about it, my H seems all for doing things together, but when it comes time to actually do it, it just doesn't happen. Right now, I'm trying to slowly move DD's bedtime up so she will be in bed earlier, but when I suggest we get start getting her ready for bed, H doesn't seem that motivated to do it. Then, once we do get her into bed, he hops right back on the computer in a matter of minutes. Yes, I should say something at this point. But we've already talked about it earlier and agreed that we are going to do something together other than play on the computer, and when he doesn't follow through with it, I start feeling like he doesn't really want to do anything with me and he doesn't really care.

It's a vicious cycle and I do need to step up and be the one to break it. It's just difficult for me, because I feel so disconnected from him right now. It's hard to imagine wanting things like affection or SF from him when I feel this way. I'm not a naturally affectionate person, so I don't feel comfortable being affectionate unless I feel emotionally connected, and I don't feel that way at all. In fact, right now, even the thought of affection or SF makes my skin crawl.

I am working on the letter to the radio show. It's been a busy week, but I'm hoping to get something sent in this weekend.

Sorry, writer; apparently I am on a roll and sharing brain farts with my H. I have been a little frustrated with people who come up with excuses why they can't do anything to help themself, and I should just not post to them.

Oh, I know there is plenty I can do to help myself. Just working on finding the motivation to do it.

I think I know some of the problem. I'm pretty sure I have been suffering from clinical depression for a few years now, maybe longer. It runs in the family. I've watched my mother deal with it (or not) most of her life. I keep thinking I can work my way out of it, since I'm aware of what is happening, but it doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment. I'm very reluctant to go to a doctor because I don't want to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I know all about the side effects and it seems like a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

writer, have you ever heard what Dr. Harley says about depression? You might get a lot out of going through the radio archives on that subject.

Some ADs are better than others for any certain individual. I ended up on them for a very brief period a couple of years ago, and they really helped me pull my head out of my rear--I didn't want to take them, either, so I get that. i was prescribed one that did not agree with me, so I went back to DR and spun my head around and threatened to swallow his soul and got something different that I only took for two months before I came off them. Maybe you only need an override like I did. Either way, you have a month or two to try addressing the problem, right? You can always stop, but ask your doctor for the mildest stuff possible with the least side effects and build up from there--I got knockout crap that was way too much at first, given to me because it was fast-acting. Don't do that.

Please listen to these from Dr. Harley on ADs.
Radio clip on depression and ADs
Segment #2
Segment #3

Radio clip on ADs and depression

Thanks for the clips. I will listen to them when DD takes her nap.

I know this is going to sound vain, but my biggest concern with taking AD's is weight gain. I've always been "the skinny girl." That's generally gotten more difficult to maintain since I turned 40. I'm not overweight, but I'm not underweight anymore either. My mother, on the other hand, has always been obese my entire life. As soon as I got pregnant with my first child, she started telling me I was going to get fat now just like she did when she was pregnant with me. I've spent the last 23 years proving her wrong. I simply can't stand the thought of being overweight. I don't even like my body the way it is right now, at what is considered a "normal" weight for my size. I know I have some body image issues, but I fear taking AD's would make this worse and end up making me feel even more depressed.

Do you have an exercise routine? Or go for walks with your DH?

Yes. We have a gym in our apartment complex, so I try to work out a couple times a week. It's hard to find the time though since I'm home alone all day with DD. We also live right across the street from a manmade lake with a lovely walking path that's just over a mile long. We walk there all the time. I love to hike too, but that also requires a baby sitter, since it's pretty difficult to do much real hiking with a 3-year-old.

So what are you doing for yourself about your body images?

I'm not sure what else to do. I exercise as much as I can. I actually enjoy exercising for the most part. I especially love to hike. I eat healthy. I'm not much into fashion, so I don't do much in that respect. I'm more a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl. There are things I like about my body and things I don't, but after 41 years and 5 kids, there's only so much a person can do, short of plastic surgery, which I'm not inclined towards and cannot afford anyway.

My H says he's very happy with my appearance. He's never complained and frequently tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, so there don't seem to be any issues there.

I still harbor the fear that I will get fat, because all of the women on my mom's side of the family (the only side I know) are overweight.

Writer-

just one piece of info from my MD knowledge base, not that I'm saying this is right for you though. There is one AD, bupropion, which does not have weight gain as a side effect. Other side effects, of course, all meds do, but you could ask your doctor if it would be an option for you.

Maybe think about getting an exercise DVD to do at home (3 year olds generally love to do it in their own fashion along with mom)?

And t/j for CWMI--- man would I be afraid to be your doctor and have you threaten to swallow my soul! (read above sentence in joking tone)