Do you think your son would of worn the commerative affair t shirt if he knew the truth behind the shirt?

I say no way.

Waiting to tell your kids when they become adults is letting them think that maybe it was their fault for the divorce. Also shows them that you let fear rule your life.

You are teaching them by example. Unfortunately affairs run in familys generation to the next. To break the cycle they need to be taught when they are young.

Well...if you are Jewish...your sons will be "adults" at age 13.

I don't know about waiting until age 18 or more. You'll likely get direct pointed question about the divorce at around age 13-15. Chances are they'll be asking if YOU cheated or did something "bad" to make mom divorce you (since she'll likely be spinning things way ahead of your nice guy approach). I think you should tell them now but, in the very least, commit to telling the truth and not lying to them if and when they point blank ask you.

Be prepared. Otherwise you might lie to put it off and then have to explain your lying. Then they won't trust your story at all (especially if mom gets to spin one after you). This will happen sooner than you think and they, too, are entitled to the truth about THEIR lives.

Mr. W

p.s. - let denying reality and dishonesty be a skill set only their mother teaches them.

I told my children, as per DrH's advice, and they were 6 and 9 at the time. One of my friends actually told me last summer that she was amazed that my children believe me about everything I tell them(we weren't talking about the affair at the time), and I said, "Why wouldn't they? They know I tell them the truth."

Now, I don't go around telling my kids every detail of everything, but I definitely tell them truths in an age appropriate way, and they know that I am honest, and I expect honesty from them in return. Do they attempt to lie? Of course, but they know how disappointed I am when I find out the truth, and there are always consequences to lies.

Just last weekend, I was having a discussion with a female co-worker of mine, who is 24 years old, and she was asking me why I would tell my children about the affair? I told her it's because I tell them the truth. She stated that she wouldn't tell her kids. Then I said, "Well, I want them to know that this was in no way their fault. If kids aren't told the reason, they assume that since the adults know, and aren't saying anything, it's because it is about THEM." She then admitted that her parents divorced when she was young, and she too thought it was in some way her fault. She doesn't remember her mother bad-mouthing her father, so she assumed it was her. She now knows different, it was an affair that her father had which ended that marriage.

My children don't like OW mostly because of the affair choices. I don't bad-mouth her, or my WH. I DO state that adultery is wrong, and that if you are married, you don't go outside of your marriage, and if you are single, you don't date someone who is still married. I couldn't show my convictions of these statements,without them knowing the full details of their lives. My FIL and MIL committed adultery while my WH was growing up. He would often tell me that he hated his parents for that, and that he wouldn't put his children through that. He was never actually told about it, he just learned of it on his own. His sister also began an affair almost 7 years ago, and my WH refused to speak to her because of it. So, if you think that your children will never know, you are mistaken. And telling them the truth is not bad-mouthing, but instead using the opportunity to teach them what to do.

Thanks for the advice everyone. You've all been so right so many times over the past few years that I will reconsider my position.

I will give more thought to telling the boys about WXW's affair.

A few weeks ago, WXW brought our kids to the town where her toxic cousin lives for the weekend. This is town where she had the affair and the cousin who instigated it.

This is a major offense to me.

I had been thinking of writing her a scathing email, but I think indifference and silence is the preferred route. Yes?

Another reason to tell the boys mom had an affair and who the OM was and who enabled the destruction of their family.

To me there is only one reason that your WW was back in that town.

Yours kids need the knowledge to protect themselves.

WXW and my sons moved out of her parents' house this weekend. They now live down the street from her parents. They remain in the same school.

I told my mom this and the first thing out of her mouth was, "What does she have a boyfriend now?"

Mom... straight to the point.

Who knows? Who cares?

Did you ever tell your boys the truth about their mom's affair?

Hi all,

I haven't been on here in a while and wanted to give a quick update.

I'm finally able to transfer with my job to New York where WXW and kids live! I will be starting in November. So that's good.

Here's the kicker: I will be temporarily be living with WXW and kids on Long Island while I look for a place closer to the city.

Anyway, I'm very excited. And the boys jumped for joy when I told them.

Maybe you will not have to move out. Time to brush up on your plan A.

What are you wanting to come out of this?

I just want to find a place closer to my sons. Long distance parenting is too hard and expensive. I do NOT want to get back together with WXW.

It's great that you're close to your boys. But if you don't talk to your wxw, then its a little hypocritical and strange to live with her.

Getting an apartment would seem to be a better option. You'll save a few dollars living with your ex, but it doesn't make sense to me.

We're starting to talk more. Finding an apartment in NYC from 1,000 miles away is impossible. I think we can both be civil to each other around the kids.

It's not ideal. But this is the dopey situation this affair has put us in.

This might just be the ideal attitude that facilitates that very result. Then again if she wanted to recover, she probably would feel SHE is entitled to you coming in and sweeping her off her feet.

No matter what you say...your kids are going to be hoping and if and when you do move out...wife can flip it on you that you're the one that didn't give her (and the family) a chance.

Hope it works out.