Happy, it wasn't me who mentioned the "right rules" for a wayward to come out of the fog. It was Indie. She can better explain what she meant. but until she chimes in, here's my opinion. I know she'll tell me if I'm misinterpreting!

The right rules are following the plans. Plan B is healing yourself and starving the affair. You will come to see in time that Plan B is totally for you, and not give a hoot what it means for WH. It took me quite a while to get to this point though. Until you get there, understand that your WH is having needs met by OW. Once reality sets in, and WH starts to realise OW is incapable of meeting all of his EN's, the BS is the next logical choice, particularly given Plan A. Now, here is where the right rules kick in. The Plan B map. The requirements the WH must meet for recovery. Because it is no longer the case that the WH can simply drop by BW's place and get a quick hit of EN's met, and then return to OW. He has to choose, one or the other. He knows he has to fully commit to recovery and make some radical changes.

Whether he can do that, this remains unknown.

So Happy, you have already done all you can to help Isildur come out of the fog.

With one extra thing. The "right rules" means focussing on you. If you continue to focus on trying to "help" Isildur, his continuing to choose the affair will take a toll on your LB$.

The rules include a BS freezing the LB$ as best she can, so that if he ever pulls his head out of his a#$e, you still have some motivation for recovery.

I pray for the day WH repeats past patterns. I want skankalot to be on the receiving end!

Happy, this got me giggling, off on a tangent. I had an image of treating our WH's like Pavlov's dogs. Maybe everytime the wayward does something unwayward, we throw them a chocolate, and everytime they are wayward in behaviour, we given them an electric shock!

Think I might go get myself a cattle prod.

Happy, I only just caught up on this... How are you going?

Journal over the next few days your thoughts and feelings.

Now, I will suggest that if any urgent business matters arise again, there are other ways to deal with them. Have your IM text about urgent business, and get either IM, friend, or neighbour in the house so when WH arrives, he / she takes the paperwork and gives to you. WH should NEVER enter your home. This could be meeting an EN for him and could also encourage him to try to break Plan B in future. Remember, just seeing a glimpse of you could be acting as a fix. For you and him.

Oh, and I'm guessing WH now has your phone number? Had you changed it? If not, these are all chinks in your Plan B.

Your kids response to the break in Plan B is interesting. They seem resigned to the wayward and almost prefer Plan B.

Yup! That's what I meant.

Just for thought.

What would have happened if the urgent papers had not been tended to and whisked to their destination with urgency?

What awful thing for you?

Oops sorry Indie, I was definitely suffering from sleep deficit that night.

Thanks for clarifying Cara, missed the connection the "right rules" were referring to the plans. The more knowledge I gain, the better my understanding and hopefully Iam more equipped to help myself and others.

I do realise I have done everything I can and it's now a case of waiting for the A to take it's natural course, I also realise he is very wayward and addicted, it's going to take time for reality and LB to set in. Although my fight to protect our financial security has possibly created pressure for them, it has also given them the opportunity to paint me as the bad guy. Another reason why I need push the finalisation of our Separation Agreement (he's dragging on this) and starve the A, I need to be able to remove any opportunity they have to feed the drama and let their LB begin.

Cara, I've also thought, I look forward to the day PEGI is on the receiving end. I am confident she will repeat the mistakes of her past and potentially drop Isildur as soon as a better model/target comes along. If I was a betting person I would say PEGI is a safe bet, 3 relationships including a marriage in 4 yrs, 95% affairs fail ... the writing is on the wall for this A.

Reminds me of an epsidoe of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon modifies Penny's behaviour with Chocolate

I like the image of the cattleprod although I'd prefer to use it for PEGI'S behaviour modification.

Unfortunately Cara, it was one of those emergencies where timing, bad luck etc were not on my side. Also its a long weekend here for the Queens Birthday so there wasn't anyone to call on particularly at such short notice.

My IM is great, she has been called upon alot recently with regard to DD16 and financial matters. She has also been a great support. My IM did forward a message but due to internet problems there was a delay. Given we were faced with a 1/2hr deadline and the ramifications financially if we failed to meet the deadline I made the decision to text Isildur.

It was one of those times where so many external factors came into play, it was a case of "the best laid plans ..."

I was really pleased though that I did not communicate with him. The only contact was to pass the document to each other. I even signed it in another room away from him.

The contact yesterday did have one positive benefit, I was able to seek confirmation regarding his future intention re mortgage repayments. It helped me to make an important decision based on practial considerations. Given our current circumstances it was the best decision. Sometimes we have to play with the cards we've been dealt no matter how bad the hand is. It has also helped me to decide the next step I must take to further protect our financial security and starve the A.

I am ok today. I still miss him, but seeing him yesterday for less than a minute has not set me back. I have felt this way since he left, even having no contact has not changed how I feel. My LB$ remain in tact even though he is so wayward and determined to sacrifice our financial security for his and PEGI's pleasure. This is where the knowledge of waywards helps me to detach Isildur from my husband and protect my LB$. As I've mentioned before for me personally knowledge is power, it gives me the strength to face and deal with the situation.

Now I'm back to being dark. Would it be wise to send via IM a message that direct contact was only due to the urgent extenuating circumstances. All future contact is to be via IM.

Happy, I don't think you should send a message like that through the IM - makes it seem like it was a bigger deal. It was what it was, you did what you felt you had to, handled it the best way you could, I say let it go and prove you intend to stay in Plan B by your actions.

Reading, in this case there were financial consequences with the potential to escalate, if we did not meet the deadline.

For me personally there was a real risk that the equity we currently have would be lost and the children and I could loose our family home.

I believe in Plan B and the benefits or no contact, but in this instance, the consequences were too great and there was no other means of signing the document and responding within the time frame.

Thanks Rainy, I hadn't planned to but I remembered reading on another thread where it was recommended, different circumstances though it wasn't an emergency situation it was an intentional break. I don't want to give the impression that it was a big deal. Until this incident I have stuck to Plan B, your right actions speak louder than words.

Did you take your daughter for coffee and cake? How did it go?

Decided to take things slow, gradual progression. I think the best plan is to give her space to cool (which I've done) and a few light conversations, then coffee and cake. I dont want her to think it is an attempt to discuss her studies and future.

Spent the day with DS6 ... played games, made funny stories and lots of hugs. It so nice he still likes cuddles.

The best thing is to get all these kinks out of the way early in Plan B so you can work on going dark as soon as practicable.

Enjoy the Jubilee weekend! I'm working tomorrow, Booo!

I look forward to the peace of being dark, with all that has been going on I wish there was a fast forward button I could push.

I was thinking this morning it would be so much easier if I didn't still love Isildur, if my LB$ were not intact. Two days ago I felt strong had my course of action, today the ongoing events of the last couple of months have hit me.

The 27th May was our 1 yr anniversary of moving into our new home (relocated cities) and the 1st June the settlement of the sale of our former house. The 2nd June we accepted an offer on the sale of a house my mother lived in for 5 yrs. This was a difficult decision and we suffered a financial loss given the market and the exterior conditions (1890's timber villa, we'd deferred maintenance - painting etc) Given Isildur's defaulting on our mortgage, any advantage of holding out for a better offer or marketing in spring rather than winter would have been eaten by the mortgage arrears. There would be no advantage to attend to the maintenance given the current market conditions.

Although the sensible decision was to sell and reduce the mortgage to protect our family home and any remaining assets, I feel like his actions (defaulting) has removed any options we had, I feel like he is in control. It has been such an uphill battle to protect our financial security and there is nothing I can do legally to enforce him to even at a minimum pay his share of the mortgage.

The situation with DD16 hasn't improved, she is ignoring my atttempts at communication. Either she is manipulating the situation so she can follow through with her decision re her course and/or Isildur is manipulating her again (badmouthing me)

I'm tired of being the scapegoat, I feel like no one not family or friends, the bank, even the law is holding him accountable. He seems to be living his merry life and I feel like I am bearing the brunt of the consequences of his A. I feel like I have lost so much my marriage, family, potentially my daughter (I'm sure it will come good again)financial security, my rights as a parent (no legal say in what their exposed to inc ow)my life.

How can it hurt so much, but my LB$ still remain in tact. How can I still love and care for a man who clearly does not have mine or my children's interests at heart and is causing so much pain.

There have been so many events/challenges to deal with. I know will survive, my children are my source of strength, bt I really look forward to the day when the pain lessens or stops. I want to get off this emotional rollercoater ride "stop the ride I want to get off".

I know its a long post but I needed to express my thoughts and feelings...its my way of dealing with it. It helps knowing MBers have faced their own challenges and can understand how I feel.

Oh, hugs to you happy!

I have had these moments, although they lessen with time. You are early in Plan B, and have recently had direct contact. Is there any link to the direct contact with the low on the coaster?

I know whenever I had indirect contact early in Plan B, I would feel better for a bit, almost reassured that WH must still be thinking of me. I would think to myself that surely this will be the point where WH wakes up to what he is missing and is sacrificing. Then the low would hit, when I realised he was still wayward, and still choosing to betray me.

I understand your wanting to get off the roller coaster. Not one of us betrayed chose to be where we are. For me, this was part of the struggle... that I had no choice in where I ended up, and was suffering due to WH's choices. I felt I had no control over any decisions or my life.

With Plan B, I have started to heal and can now see I have far more opportunities and choices than WH. Remember, our WH's have made their choices. Many of them become trapped by that choice. They now have to convince themselves the A and the OW is worth the sacrifices they have made, unless they are prepared to do the difficult task of repairing what they broke. And being students of MB, we know that this sort of sacrifice is what will ultimately destroy the A. Our WH's resentment will grow. OW will have to work extra hard to keep the LB$ afloat. Lets face it, OW are too selfish for that. And our WH's will begin to lovebust. I have seen an affairage up close and personal. Sure, they are still together after 10+ years. One of them is cheating on the other, the other is in denial, and they lovebust continually. Yet they limp on, for whatever foggy reason.

Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. I see waywards as desperately sprinting for "happiness", not realising their pace means they are running away from it rather than towards it. As a BS, I have had time to evaluate what I want and value in life and make choices that will lead me to this.

Stay dark, darker than dark. Your LB$ will eventually freeze. I have now been in Plan B for about 10 months. I had to think about that. Early in Plan B, I was counting the days of no contact. Then the weeks. Now I no longer keep track. Do I still yearn for WH? No. Do I still have a LB$ for the H I had? Yes. But it is not same level of pain I once felt. I can feel myself detaching, although contact (direct or indirect) hampers this detachment. Early in Plan B I was desperate for my LB$ to dwindle, not realising that staying dark, focussing on my life, and time are the best ways for this to occur.

Still, I know surviving an affair sucks. But know that you will come out the other end a stronger and better person for it. At least, I believe I am

Cara, I'm sure the contact has effected me, even if its taken a couple of days, but it wasn't just the contact. A range of anniversarys and emotional events all contributed. I get recovery is a marathon, yesterday the finish line seemed beyond reach. I don't know if this makes sense but I felt he had the A and appears to be enjoying life with no consequences yet I am bearing the fallout of those consequences, I almost felt that I was being punished by his actions.

Does freezing the LB$ helps lessen the pain? If you become emotionally detached would you still want to reconcile if reconciliation is possible,if you've been emotionally detached for an extended period?

"WH's have made their choices. Many of them become trapped by that choice. They now have to convince themselves the A and the OW is worth the sacrifices they have made, unless they are prepared to do the difficult task of repairing what they broke. And being students of MB, we know that this sort of sacrifice is what will ultimately destroy the A. Our WH's resentment will grow. OW will have to work extra hard to keep the LB$ afloat. Lets face it, OW are too selfish for that. And our WH's will begin to lovebust."

I look forward to the day this being to happen ... karma

I struggle to remember what loving WH felt like after a year in Plan B. The memory of the pain is crystal clear, but I'm proud of surviving it.

I remember craving the sound of his voice, and wanting him to catch sight of me and yearn for me. I remember those details, but I don't remember how it felt.

Though I know my LB is not totally frozen, because sometimes I still get angry. I still have a way to go.

Thanks Indie I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings. I guess I have to accept its going to be tough,given the emotions associated with the recent settlement and current sale. Once the sales are finalised hopefully I will finally have the peace of Plan B.

My practical side knows the sales were the best option given Isildur's defaulting. This will protect our home and remaining assets. The heart though feels differently. Its tough accepting a financial loss that pre A would not be relevant (we would't sell in the current market), I have to focus on accepting it and realising if we didn't sell we'd be facing a greater financial loss courtesy of Isildur's defaulting.

I wish my LB$ were frozen maybe it would lessen the pain. Its sad if only for a moment I wished my LB$ weren't intact. Almost every week his wayward behaviour has presented me with a new challenge, I know I have grown from these experiences but Iam tired of the pain it causes. A friend told me she was amazed how I still loved and cared about him given his actions. She admired that I was still willing to stand for my marriage and family... it would be an easier path if I didn't. Oh well an ex Australian Prime Minster once stated "life was not meant to be easy" I guess he was right.

That sounds like a good plan, Happy. Glad you spend the day with your sweet little boy:) You're doing great!