Sorry for all the roller coaster and pain, Happy. Wish I had more words of wisdom, but others have said it better than I could. Just hope things get easier for you soon, after some of this business stuff settles down.

Rainy, I appreciate your thoughts, it helps knowing people are thinking of you and care. All the emotions of recent events got the better of me.

I haven't exercised for 3 weeks since the surgery, will be good to get back into it, maybe some Billy Blanks Boot Camp or Taebo, a few combat kicks should help (imaginary PEGI target);)

Ooh, happy, just catching up on your thread. And empathising with you. Us betrayed often feel like this. Know that you are not alone. And have faith that Plan B will heal you and diminish these feelings. I doubted Plan B at first and took a long time to start to see the benefits. Know that it does come. I'm proof of that. Not perfect by any means, I am a late Plan B bloomer. A work in progress. But I know I will get there, I finally FEEL it.

I'll try to answer these questions as best I can. Plan B and freezing the LB$ does eventually lessen the pain. The pain is still there for me at times. I am still grieving. Cracks in Plan B exacerbate the pain. It reminds me of the A and the betrayal and makes me think too much of WH and what "could have been".

However, I consider the option of keeping the LB$ "live" through continued contact, and I KNOW the pain would be worse. Much worse. You only have to read threads of BW's who Plan A for too long to see that.

The secret of Plan B is that you know longer think of reconciliation.

That is when you know you are progressing and THRIVING.

I can't answer you happy. I don't know what I would want if WH were to tell IM he was seeking recovery. I would have to weigh it up on his ability and willingness to meet my conditions, as well as what I wanted, what was in my best interests.

The longer you are in Plan B and focussing on yourself, the more you will see this.

I still have a high LB$ for my H. But I now doubt that marital recovery would be in my best interests.

I am detaching. I am seeing my options in life and my value as a person and potential partner.

The reality is that if WH ever came back to me wanting recovery, he would be broken. Likely broke given the extravagances of the A, financially supporting OC and Skank, and desperate for someone to heal him, and prop him up. I do not want this. I want a partner who can father my children as a man, who can be a role model, who can meet my need to financially provide for a family (given I want children). And who values and loves me rather than viewing me as an option or reassurance.

It took me a long time. But I now consider staying single or once divorced meeting a MB appropriate man as better options for the father of my future children.

Now, here is the confused part that shows I am still healing (and too loyal to a wayward).

I still can't 100% rule out marital recovery if it was ever offered.

But I wouldn't fall into a wayard's arms at the risk of a false recovery any longer either!

So, how did the exercise go happy?

You're inspiring me. I have gotten very slack in recent times. There are just no good spinning classes in my town, and I LOVE spinning. I miss London's gyms. But I don't miss its public transport!

Cara,Thanks its good to know I'm not alone and its all part of the process ... it sucks though.

Its not that I doubt the benefits of Plan B, its just even without contact and all the recent events of the last few weeks I still love him and miss him, it would be easier if I didn't. I get the wayward behaviour but it hurts that he is behaving this way. I was hoping if the LB$ were frozen it wouldn't be so hard, that seems the only solution that I have control over.

To add insult to injury our conveyancing lawyer emailed a copy of our settlement letter for our former house. It noted Mr WS & Mrs FS C/- POSOW's former house (since sold to trade up). That was a tough blow. Isildur had noted this address on the agency agreement when the house was listed so the lawyer automatically noted it even though our home address is on file.

BTW I start exercising next week had to wait after surgery ... will be a good release.

Beautiful and courageous thoughts, Cara.

Happy, you have done so well and come so far. It is sad and bizarre how any little thing gets to you, isn't it? I got a notice here today that WH requested tax returns. Of course I start thinking, why, and why did it come to me, and why does it say this and that - and then I think how much I just want to pretend he vanished - poof! Forget all of this, anything tied to him. Wish you could too! Just sucks with unfinished business things that pop up when you don't want them to. I'm sorry. My LB is pretty much depleted after the past weeks and months, and it still gets to me.

I didn't know you had surgery. I missed it on your thread, maybe? Or maybe you didn't share a lot. Jumping right back in to moderate exercise after 3 weeks seems a little soon maybe? Are you okay? I had surgery 6 weeks ago now, and am just feeling more myself again. (And after reading your posts, I guess I'd better get off my tush and get busy exercising again). I think I'm too wiped out this week, but perhaps I will let you inspire me, and start getting up early again next week to exercise before work. I felt so much better when I was doing that, physically and emotionally. Thanks for the nudge:)

That POSOW cannot be around too much longer. He's got to run out of $$$ soon, right? Caracal's right, though, I guess you just do life for you and your kids and quit worrying about a man who doesn't deserve a passing thought from you.

Hugs, Happy!

Happy, this reminded me of part of my thread. I started questioning, with the high LB$ I had for WH, how the he77 do I move forward? I was actually thinking to myself, a death of a thousand cuts (Plan C) could be better, as it would at least diminish my love for him. Crazy thoughts, I look back and see I would have wound up in hospital first!

Please read this thread if you haven't already. And to all Plan B'ers following, this really helps understand what happens to the LB$ during Plan B.

Oh, and take pride in the fact that you are not finding this easy. This shows your loyalty, your committment to others, it shows who you are.

Love Bank Units During Plan B

Yay happy!

Now, its time I actually got off my butt and did something. I have been using the cold weather in the mornings as my excuse. Keep posting about the exercise, it encourages me!

I was feeling good when I was exercising, great outlet for ridding those emotions. Its a good way to start the day and get motivated. Noticing the unfortunate difference of not exercising for 3/4 weeks after 4 mths straight.

Hiya Happy, how are things?

Wonderful weather we're getting here, winter sunshine and about 18' yesterday. It drove me out for a walk by the river.

Any sun in greater Australia?

Heya happy, I'm getting worried...

I hope you are too busy out exercising and enjoying life.

Give us an update...

Caracal, sorry to worry you. I went "home" for my youngest son's post surgery follow up appointment. It was really good to catch up with friends. My friends and support network are south, we relocated April last year to be a full time family (Isildur's work in another city)

It was great catching up with friends they were super shocked at the infidelity and couldn't believe what had happened they all thought we had a happy marriage and family. I came back feeling happy and positive until I was faced with new challenges. It seems every week Isildur presents me with a new character enhancing challenge. He is the complete opposite of the person I know and I am so tired of the
"character building challenges"

I walked over our land (12 acres) plans for dream home and felt really gutted, wondered how Isildur could walk away from the dream (why we relocated from Oz and fantastic neighbours/friends and stunning water views. My recovery would be so much easier living there with my friends and support network.

The last few days haven't been flash consequences of Isildur defaulting on mortgage and access issues with youngest son. My IC indicated she thought Isildur's reactions were extreme. The fact that he needs to totally obliterate our marriage, that he cannot face any emotions and his extreme guilt to justify his addiction. Good for him, helps him to continue his affair. She thought it would be good if there was a way to tap into his guilt. She didn't know of Harleys or MB but liked the principles and agreed with the addiction theory.

I'm really struggling, I love my husband so much,I miss him so much. I sincerely wish I could switch off my feelings and move forward but regardless of the sh*** t he puts me through I love him with my heart and soul. I understand the psychology of affairs and the ongoing wayward behaviour so my love and loyalty remains intact. I wish I could switch my feelings off.

Happy, I am so glad to hear you are still with MB. I worried you had a Plan B crack. I know when I or other MB'ers have cracks, we often go MIA on MB.

I hope the follow up appointment for DS went well?

And great to hear you caught up with friends /support network!

Now, I'll share my experience as I see some similarities in our sitches. My exposure was a drawn out process. Given I had been out of the country for 10+ years, H and I had drifted apart from many people that we used to be close to. With the A bomb, I didn't exactly seek everyone out immediately. Slowly I have. And as I have, I explain about our separation and tell of the A. Everyone is shocked and supportive. I feel validated that I am in the right. And then I would go home, and face reality. I would hit a low. I would miss what I had with H. I missed him.

I have now let nearly everyone know and I can see that telling everyone, feeling validated and hitting the lows were part of my healing. I STILL hurt. But not in the same way.

It has taken me a year to get to this Happy, and I am still not totally healed. A work in progress as Scotty so aptly puts it. I WILL get there. But in the early days, actually, probably for a good eight months (I am a late bloomer ), I really suffered and struggled.

Acceptance of the wayward took a long time for me. I still occasionally struggle to understand how the honourable and kind man I knew became this creature. But he did. Even with all of MB and the fog, he made choices.

Know that you are doing what is best by the H you had, by your marriage, by your kids and by yourself.

If Isildur remains wayward, that is his regret.

Know that in time, you won't have any. You fought for what is right, with all you had. Be proud of yourself happy.

Plan B is for you. Is there any chance you can return to your friends and support network? What is stopping you? If is it finances, what can you do to work towards this?

Remember, Plan B is about healing yourself, NOT waiting for the A to end.


Ummm, I'm worried about this IC happy. You are in Plan B. It is not for you to worry about tapping into Isildur's guilt.

I understand why you would want to. I have been there! But you can not educate a wayward. You just can't. And in Plan B, it is no longer part of the plan.

Besides, a wayward is too busy running from guilt. Gollum told me at one point in Plan A (before I knew of A) that he had no guilt, that he had done nothing wrong so why should he feel guilt? Foggy delusion at its finest.

Now, what is part of the plan is you healing yourself. Focussing on you and learning about yourself, your flaws, your strengths, and where you could have improved as a marriage partner. Processing the marriage and where it went wrong is an important step as well, but don't obsess on it. Better yourself and your life, so you heal and thrive.

If Isildur's A dies a natural death, and he commits to recovery, then you decide where you are at and if you want it.

And if marital recovery is not in the cards because Isuldur remains a foggy idiot, than you are better off regardless.

I felt this for a looong time. I wanted to kill my LB$. Did you read the link I posted?

I actually had thoughts that my H was worth the wait and agony, that I would let him work this A out of his system, that he would return to me and I deserved the pain because of taking our marriage for granted. Urghh! I was justifying his A for him, as a result of his gaslighting and my trust in how good a person he had been.

Keep putting one Plan B foot in front of the other. Keep following the Plans Happy.

Time combined with Plan B = a happy recovered thriving Happy.

Oh thats so true. Going back to the town we used to live in was both healing and sad. It was great catching up with friends but sad to realise lost dreams. My heart and soul is with the land and our dream home. It is the most beautiful idyllic spot and we are so lucky with neighbours who have become friends, a real community spirit which is so rare.

Whats stopping me relocating - finances at the moment (vacant land) and the children. Former home is on the Sth Is NZ we are currently on Nth Is. DS18 is in his final year of secondary school so would not be able to move before the end of the year even if I wanted to.

IC's comment about guilt was related to something I said about his behaviour and letter following exposure. She thinks Plan B is a good idea. She thought exposure was a good idea and thought it took strength and courage to expose.

I get Plan B and its benefits, I understand the pyschology of waywards but I still struggle to reconcile my H with Isildur and I still miss him. What sucks is prior to A we had a happy marriage and needs were being met. He was a wonderful H and father and I really miss him. Our marraige was not affair proofed as we trusted and loved each other unconditionally ... vulnerable in hindsight of MB principles.

I am really trying to focus on my healing and my children but I still love and miss him. I wonder why I still love him, given he has broken my heart and stomped on the broken pieces, maybe it would be easier if I didn't get the wayward behaviour or I didn't love him so much.

I will keep following the MB Plans, I know its a marathon not a sprint, but I wish there was a fast forward button. I am normally a pretty positive person and I am tired of feeling sad, its not who I am or the person I want to be.

Oh Happy, when I read this, I just wanted to send a

I understand your feelings. I have felt them. I have thought your thoughts. One of the worst things of Gollum's A, is making me doubt my marital history. That maybe I had a seperate history than he did. That was early in Plan B. Now I KNOW our history. There is no way he thought our marriage was unhappy. It IS just a justification for the A. At a time when we were under a lot of pressure, he succombed by the ultimate betrayal.

As for why you still love and miss him... because you are the wonderful, loyal person you are. Don't overlook that. How much easier in the short term would it be, to walk away from our marriages, and find the replacement person / bandaid?

I have thought of it often. If someone was here to distract me from my memories, my hurt, Gollum, just how much easier would it be. Lots. In the short term. But it is not who I am nor who I want to be.

And I want a better relationship than a quick fix.

I also longed for a fast forward button at times, and said as much to friends. Now... I haven't thought of this for a long time.

It will get better happy, you WILL heal.

Now, how is that exercising going?

Thanks Cara, it helps to know others have felt/thought the same and have moved forward. At times I wonder if the pain and loss will ever end. I think something that is overlooked is how much strength it takes a BS to Plan B, how overwhelming the feeling of loss is.

Thankyou for your kind words, it is easy to overlook the reason why we miss our waywards ...b/c of the person we are. They are qualities we should all be proud of, it would be easier to walk away, rather than stand for our marriage.

Even acknowledging that the rewrite is fogbabble justification it is still painful. What I really struggle with, is the denigration. It really hurts to think Isildur can think this way about me. I've always hated injustice and anyone thinking ill of me or someone I care about. It is really hard to come to terms with the fact that someone I have loved for 22yrs and who loved me could have this view of me.

Do WS really believe their foggy babble? When they come out of the fog do they ever see the real BS for the person they are?

Thankyou for the link to the thread. I did read it and cried. I could really relate to what was posted particularly Scotty's feelings. It does help to know you are not alone and to be reminded that we can all move forward, we just need to take it one day at a time.

I know I have to experience the feelings and let myself grieve, there are times though I want to sprint. I know I need to focus on my own recovery and my children. I need to keep busy, it would be easier if my friends/support network weren't so far away. I need to refocus and find ways to make my recovery happen without a handy support network. I need to find an outlet when I'm feeling low. I haven't started exercising yet. I need to do this asap, I really enjoyed it and its a great way to channel that negative energy.

It WAS impossible for your DH, the former man, to think this way about you.

That's why they have to go through a personality change in order to keep going. They become a personality that automatically responds to anything, or anyone, good the way a vampire responds to sunlight.

If their BS is committed and caring....

They are controlling and demanding

If their BS is hurt by the A........

They are emotional blackmailers

If the BS maintains that marriage is sacred and should be fought for.....

They are selfish and should be a good pal who is happy for them

If the BS exposes and asks for help with the attack on the marriage......

They are vengeful and crazy

If the BS cuts off all contact until the A is over....

They should be a better friend and enabler

If the BS still loves the WS, and dares say so.....

They are being unrealistic and dont understand true 'soulmate schmoopie love'

Unfortunately, in just the same way that rot attracts flies; becoming wayward attracts a completely upside down way of thinking in whih everything that was good is now bad.

Thanks for providing clarity Indie. Your words of wisdom help make some sense of the wayward denigration. Sadly I can relate to each point. Isildur even stated DS6 needed to see "he was happy in his new life" This was voiced after I objected to DS6 having contact with OW. I even relied on professional rescources to support my concern about the negative impact of introducing a new partner (let alone an AP) within a few months of separating.

When I struggle with his "wayward perception" of me I will re read your post.