It's going to be pretty much what you're going through right now. Everything you're experiencing right now is what she will be experiencing if and when it happens.

lfh, what you need to understand is that your wife has fallen in love with another man (or at least she thinks she has). It's nowhere as deep as the love she still has with you, but it's there and it's real. If you can manage to run this POS off, then the pain of having that "love" removed from her life will be just as real. Here's the really bad part though; it's going to be all your fault so you need to brace yourself for it. She's going to be pissed beyond comprehension at first, then severely depressed, just like you feel right now. Believe me, you'll have no trouble identifying any signs of withdrawal. What she's going to go through, if you can manage to bust this up, is exactly what you are going through right now.

I know it sucks, but that's the hand you've been dealt. That's why no matter how difficult it is you'll have to have compassion for her pain, not dancing a victory dance in front of her. It's going to be so difficult for you, but that's your job as her husband. It's your job to help her through any crises in her life and you'll have to step up in a very painful way on this one. Essentially just treat her with the same compassion as if you were trying to help her overcome an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It's pretty much the same thing.

Got it. I'm gonna do my best.

I can't say how hard that will be for me to do. I already feel sorry for her because I feel like she's "stuck" in this alternate world she has kind of created and I can't get to her. Now, when I say "her" I mean the real her...the woman I married.

I feel like my real wife is inside this alien and I feel sorry for her in regards to what she's going through. I don't, however, feel sorry for the alien. My goal is to get my real wife out of that alien body and get her back into reality.

If there ever comes a time when I see that my real wife is trying to emerge from that, I am going to do everything I can possibly do to get her out. If that means doing things that make me uncomfortable or things that I don't really want to do then I'm gonna do my best to push through them.

I know this won't happen for a while even after she enters withdrawal but if I can get any glimpse of the fact that she still loves ME and wants to come back to ME, then that will give me a renewed sense of determination. THAT one thing is all I'm waiting on because until that happens (if it happens) I'm basically doing this in HOPES that will happen.

I'll stay the course as long as I need to but that one thing will be like a shot of pure adrenaline for me in my fight to get her back.

Something I thought about last night is if she asks me at some point after getting my paperwork, why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, what should my response be?

I'm not looking for exact wording or anything. I was just wondering if I should go into any explanation such as,

"You didn't think I was going to just give up on our marriage without a fight did you?"

OR

"I love you and I know we can work this out if we come back together"

OR

Is there some other way I should handle it. I feel like she'll ask me why I'm doing certain things because I'm convinced that she has and still does expect me to just walk away and make this as easy as possible.

I don't know if it's the weather today being rainy and dreary or what, but I'm having a severe low point right now.

Maybe it's knowing that she's going to get my counter file this week and that things may go WAY south between her and I, I don't know.

But, right now I'm having such overwhelming feelings of loss. Loss of my family that I have spent the past 7 years building, loss of the woman that I planned to spend the rest of my life with, loss of my best friend, loss of dreams that we had planned together, loss of the woman that was in every thought and decision I make, etc.

I am much better than I was a month ago, but sometimes I get these overwhelming feelings like this that just bring me to absolute rock bottom in a matter of minutes. It'll pass as usual but right now I feel completely lost in life with no view of the future. I know this sounds stupid and "whipped", and I know that I WILL be ok if this doesn't work out but during these low points I really can't make myself see doing anything in life without her there.

I know that's just the emotions talking and the fact that for the past 7 years or so my life HAS been lived with her in every thought. It's just hard to think about the reality of my situation and that I very possibly could be planning and living the rest of my life without her as my wife.

I do have some comfort in knowing that I am working with a Plan backing me up and that if that Plan doesn't have the outcome that I want it to have, I WILL be ok eventually. I know that, but it's not something that a person wants to think about.

Sorry for bringing everyone down today. I have to remain strong for my family and hope for the best.

I wish I could say something to make it go away, but I can't. We have all been right where you are standing, friend. I can tell you that it won't always be like this. You can move forward in your life and be happy again no matter what happens with your marriage. It won't always be like this!

DITTO

I know, Mel. I really do believe that if there was more anyone on this forum could do to, they would. It's just one of those kinds of situations where much of it is out of the affected one's hands.

When I get this way I feel like I'm kinda looking down on the entire situation and can't believe how ridiculous it is that I can't just go to her and shake her back into reality. The addiction completely takes away every last bit of rational thinking and there's nothing anyone can do to bring it back (except continuing to follow the Plan).

To see her continue to destroy what we have with no apparent second thoughts is just mind-boggling.

She even made the comment this past weekend that if I get the kids on Father's Day, that would make the schedule such that she "has the kids 4 out of 5 Saturdays this month."

I was nearly speechless that she would say that. I couldn't believe I was basically hearing her say that she was upset that she was gonna be stuck with our kids on Saturdays. At least that's the way it sounded. There is NO WAY I would complain one little bit about having the kids no matter what day of the week it is. But she's in such a selfish state of mind right now no one else matters to her except for her.

To think about this from a wider perspective it just seems so crazy that it's truly unbelievable that anything can make a person behave/become like the exact opposite of their real self.

I do know that I'll eventually be OK no matter how this turns out. It's just the toughest thing I have ever had to do to watch her destroy us, our family and ultimately herself while not being able to do much about it.

Now please believe me when I say that I am not discounting the power and impact of the MB plan when I say that I feel like I'm watching this unfold while not being able to do anything. You all know what I mean by saying that....implementing the MB plans versus rationally discussing the situation.

There is absolutely NO rational thought in a wayward's mind.

I get like this when I start thinking that my last strings of hope are becoming thinner and thinner. I've been implementing Plan A with full force and will continue to do so. I will, though, re-evaluate what my next move or step is once I see her reaction to my counter file.

Thanks to everyone for the continued support and understanding when I post these rock-bottom, crying in my beer (probably a good thing I'm NOT a drinker) types of posts. I'm staying strong and will do what's necessary until the very end!

Thanks to you too Pepper.

Everyone here is AWESOME!

That's right.
And the sooner the betrayed spouse realizes this, the better off they are.
With this realization, the BS stops trying to set their wayward straight.
With this realization, the BS stops asking "Why is my WS doing/saying these things?".

Hang in there.
You will be OK.
In the future, you will feel great!

So there have been others in my current situation that have had their WS file for divorce, then they had to counter file, the WS was trying to split finances, etc., and have lived to tell about it?

Did ANY recover from being this far gone, because even though I'm still putting everything I have into it....it looks less and less likely every time she does something negative. I know there is ALWAYS some hope and I appreciate the continued encouragement.

We have just been emailing back and forth about her wanting to work out finance arrangements between ourselves but she only wants to work it out to benefit her. This kind of stuff gets me pretty discouraged.

I DO still see SOME hope but it's getting more difficult to see a midst all the legal stuff that she's causing to be involved. She wants me to basically make all this easier by just rolling over and taking everything she doesn't want (bills not in her name, half time with our kids, etc) so she can be on her merry way.

The only reason I'm rolling this time is to turn the other cheek when one gets sore from all the crap coming from her right now.

I have 2 beautiful kids that I love and that love me. I'm still fighting for the "real her" but if she doesn't come around then my bigger goal is my kids. I just hate that she's causing this to get so terrible. She has pretty much turned against me in just about every way she can.

I still have some Plans left, so let's see how things go from here.

I guess the more pressing or less de-pressing question is...do most waywards come out of the fog BEFORE the point my WW and I are now?

It'll be okay, Looking. Don't start drowning your sorrows in drinking or destructiveness. Not saying you are, and I know you know that. Get out and exercise maybe? You sound pretty depressed, so that might help.

I have a good friend who is an inspiration to me. She didn't know about MB, but pretty much followed the A & B plans, all on her own with her WH's A. He wanted the D, so she pushed it through to feel like she had some say in her life. They remarried, he started up the A again, she re-filed, cut him off completely and totally. Before the D could go through the 2nd time, Plan B worked. He hit bottom, realized what he'd done to his life, quit his job, took all the "extraordinary precautions" to end the affair, told his wife everything.

13 years later, they are grandparents together and very happy. Not without their struggles, but they get through them together. I asked her how she forgave him - they went through hell, almost as long as my nightmare. She said, "He was a different man." aka: no longer a wayward. She said she forgot about him completely, gave him to God, and went on with her life. He came around on his own. Maybe maybe not, but it's possible.

She gives me hope:) There are success stories in the worst of situations. She also told me that while she's grateful he came around, their family is intact, they are better than they ever were before - that she got to the point where she would have been okay without him too, and that was the key for her.

Best wishes.

Stop cooperating with her destruction of your family!
Why on earth would you be chit-chatting over text about settlements?

Your job is to make each step of this PAINFUL and DIFFICULT.
If she wants to chat about the silverware, YOU DEFER HER TO YOUR ATTORNEY.

Stop discussing DIVORCE with her as if its OK with you!

What you are doing is giving you the best chance possible to save your marriage. There are no guarantees, but your wife envisions a fantasy divorce where you roll over easily and she seamlessly replaces you. By countersuing on grounds of adultery you will ruin that fantasy. Additionally, the OM won't want the trouble that comes from being hauled into court. I only know of ONE situation in 11 years where the OM actually stuck around and continued the affair into a marriage. [the affairees married and have since divorced]

If your nerves can handle it, and you can ride this out, there is a strong chance you can get your marriage back. If your nerves can't handle it, you might want to consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later.

Whatever you do, don't cooperate with her. Just tell her you won't pay her any money and you would rather the courts work out all that stuff.

The problem is that her affair is still ongoing, lfh. That is the cause of her behavior. Hopefully, the countersuit will run him off.

Have I said lately how awesome this forum is?

And everyone on here is beyond any kind of praise that can be given.

I had been postponing sending her a financial breakdown of how I think we should break the finances up because I felt that something wasn't right about doing so. I'm glad I postponed it long enough to get some advice on her and from my lawyer. Lawyers said the same as you guys..."don't send her anything until it comes to lawyers first."

I'm actually not sure how WW is going to start reacting to these changes to be honest. I THINK she will become very angry at some of them but that's ok. I have been on the receiving end WAY too long!

rainy,

Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. I know you didn't mean anything by the drinking comment. I have never taken a drink and do not plan to let my WW or the POSOM cause me to go down that path.

I understand about getting to the point where I KNOW that I'll be ok living without her. I do know that's true. I'm actually pretty close to being at the point where I have come to terms with her being gone as well as beginning to think of my daily life as a single dad.

That does not mean that I don't still hurt or want her back. It does mean that I am getting closer and closer to being "at terms" with the reality of my situation. I know that if she decides to continue down her destructive path and not come out of the fog that I will be ok and will eventually find someone else with whom I can share everything I have to share.

Why do I know that? Because I AM a great catch! I AM a good person with a great heart! I AM a great dad who will do ANYTHING and will give up ANYTHING for his kids! I AM a good-looking guy who has very strong morals about life and marriage! And I AM going to be happy again!

I'm still hurting tremendously and have not given up on my WW and won't until the very last minute. I'll still have bad hours and days for a long time because of this, but life WILL go on without her if need be. She's the one losing out on everything. She may end up with the POSOM (temporarily) but he will NEVER be me in ANY way no matter what she thinks.

I truly believe all this inside myself, but I still have a tremendous amount of hurt and resentment within my heart (or what's left of it right now) that I'm dealing with. Yes, I do get depressed to the point of being at rock bottom and that may continue for a while as well.

There are still many cards to be played in this "game" and hopefully one of them will turn a new page and lead her out of the fog. We have such a great foundation to rebuild upon and I just hate to see her throw that away for something that didn't work out the first time she tried it (remember she was married to the POSOM for about a month or so until he cheated on her).

I'm being quite reflective and philosophical this morning. That's just how my emotional roller coaster has been treating me lately. It just so happens that all of you get to read (or ignore) my ups and downs. The roller coaster is starting to level out a little to become more consistent with a freight train on a mission...straight and narrow...which is where I should have been a LONG time ago if I had only listened to everyone here. Hind sight is ALWAYS 20/20 though, right?

Lexxxy and MelodyLane,

I hear your advice loud and clear!

The ONLY reason I had ever even entertained the idea of trying to work with her outside of court about the finances is so I would have more lawyer money for my custody battle. I never WANTED to work with her outside court on anything, but felt that it would help me IF it came to a custody battle.

I thought about this A LOT last night and have decided that I don't think I'm gonna continue to "work with her" outside of our lawyers. Mainly because, of course, you're both right. Every little thing or step that I do to make this easier or less "painful" (not in a physical sense but you know that) is one less thing she has to deal with on her way to HER finish line.

I like your freight train analogy:) Yes, I could give myself some great advice in hindsight too. Silly.

I was thinking about her being married to OM before. I knew, but did forget for a bit in there. Maybe makes that a double "grass is always greener" thing, even more "what if I'd stuck that out instead?" He represents all fun, no responsibility, everything hard in marriage goes away with him - kids, finances, daily ups and downs. You're right - clearly, he doesn't have what it takes.

Keep plugging ahead on those tracks!

I have to vent somewhere because I'm making a point to not get drawn into her attitude toward me.

She's telling me that SHE can't trust ME???!!!!!

She says she wants to pay her own bills because she can't trust me to pay them. It doesn't seem to matter that I have handled our finances for the past 7 years with no problems at all and now all of a sudden she can't trust me?

I really want to fire back an email to "explain" to her what TRUST is and who has reason to not trust who, but I won't....I won't. My goodness though, I want to so bad I can't hardly keep from it.

I can't believe she even has the nerve to say that to me. THAT's her reasoning for "wanting to pay her own bills", because she wants to be sure they're getting paid.