lfh, you are not paying HER bills, are you? How is she supporting herself?

Mel,

What has happened is that she left and now she wants to pay the bills that are in her name. She is neglecting to acknowledge anything else. She did pay half the house payment this month.

I had told her that we should continue to pay our bills as we have in the past for now. That's when she told me that she couldn't trust me to pay them from our joint account since I had been paying them from my personal account (mainly because I didn't want to take any chances with her snatching the money out of the joint account).

So as of right now, she's only taken responsibility of a couple bills that have her name on them and half the house payment. Oh, and she made a point to let me know that "she was going to pay half the house payment even though she had been advised against doing it".

I don't want anything from her that I don't deserve as far as finances go. I know she expects to just walk away from as many bills as she can just like she did her family, but I'm not going to let her do that.

She's supporting herself pretty well right now because she's living with her sister and brother-in-law with no household expenses, grocery bill, etc. On top of that, she has pretty much not paid anything this month except her couple bills in her name and half the house payment.

I had started working on a split of the bills until I got reluctant. My lawyer told me to not send WW anything in that regard until the lawyers looked at it first.

Which brings me here. I have not sent WW anything yet in regards to splitting the bills. I don't want to make anything easy on her but I don't know if I want to let the lawyers handle this either because it will cost money that I really want to save to use for custody...if it goes that far.

I'm kind of stuck as to what I should do right now. The way I have the bills split in my calculations that I've been doing, she won't really be any better off than she is right now. That is, IF she were to agree to what I have come up with which I'm almost positive she won't. She's not going to agree about what I think she's responsible for.

My options (as I see them) are: 1)to complete my version of how it should be split, send it to my lawyer for approval and then send it to her. We would then go back and forth until we reach an agreement. 2)hand it all over to the lawyers and let them handle it which might turn out worse for me if the lawyers don't agree with me.

To do #2, my lawyer told me that we would have to create a temporary order which would not only decide finances but custody, child support, etc. This temporary order could very likely set a precedence when it comes time for the final ruling...if it goes that far. So. I'm thinking on things to see what the best option is.

Bottom line is that she's not paying many bills that she should be responsible for.

Advice and/or suggestions are always welcome.

I guess I would wait to see what your attorney says, but the idea is that you shouldn't be paying her bills while she is gone. She should be paying them.

Oh I agree that I shouldn't pay her bills and I'm not going to.

What do y'all think about whether I should take on the electric bill and things related to the house (not the payment)?

Part of me thinks she should still be responsible for a portion since the kids are living there.

Wouldn't that come out of her child support? Will she be paying you child support?

I don't know yet. We haven't gotten to the point with lawyers to make any decisions on child support because no decisions have been made on custody.

Right now we are just splitting time with the kids 50/50 until it gets legal, which is happening this week when she gets my papers. When she sees that I'm not accepting her terms, I'm sure she'll either give up or begin to fight. Either is fine because she doesn't really have too much going for her.

My immediate concern is that she's not taking responsibility for her part of many of the bills and I can only hold out so long with them by myself.

I gotcha. Well, if she wants to pay them and you want her to, then I say go for it!

For what it's worth, I just replied to WW's email about the bill situation while I'm waiting to hear back from lawyer.

Here's what I said in a nutshell: "You have responsibilities that you are not upholding. If you have alternative ideas about how you want to get the money to me for bills, then I'm listening. I won't stand by and allow you to affect my credit just because you are neglecting yours. I don't want this to become a legal issue but am prepared to do so if needed."

That was pretty much my exact words. I don't know if that was right or wrong in regards to any of the Plans I'm following, but I'm not gonna let her just pick and choose what she wants.

Feedback?

OH MY GOSH...Plan A'ing is SO HARD when she's basically being a full-blown B to me and making me out to be the worst human to EVER walk the face of the earth!!!

I know y'all probably aren't interested in each and every thing I post on here, but you have the unlucky task of being my support group. Sorry about that.

She just emailed me back. She's basically blasting me. Saying, "we're getting a divorce and nothing is or will be joint any longer." Duh...did someone file for divorce? I hadn't noticed.

As I was typing this she texted me. Asked me for a copy of our kids' ssn card. I told he that I would give her one this weekend because I didn't feel comfy emailing it. She came back with a smart comment, "I understand not emailing since people can hack email and get stuff that should be secure."

MelodyLane, is this the part you were referring to about "if my nerves can take it"? Because I REALLY want to call her and tell her off right now. She has become the meanest person toward me that I have ever come across.

I really don't want to give up on where I am right now but are these normal "tests" from waywards? I so want to call her and let her know what I'm thinking right now. I haven't responded to her email reply or her text because I'm trying to not become drawn into her game.

Do I need to let these things go and not say anything in rebuttal?

Yep! Just let it go!! She is trying to bait you into a fight. Don't take the bait!

I know that's what she's doing. My natural response is to tell her what I think of it, but I won't.

This is going to be so difficult because I'm not used to NOT letting people know what I'm thinking when they treat me like this. Kinda makes me feel like I'm allowing her to bully me and that's not a very comfortable feeling.

You are not allowing her to CONTROL you by taking her bait. You are being STRATEGIC rather than REACTIVE!

See, when you REACT in an angry way, she knows she has you under control! And you hand her the ammunition she needs with which to demonize you.

Reverse psychology.

I understand it but haven't had much experience using it.

I also understand that drawing me into those situations is her goal in her little game. I'm trying VERY hard to just let those comment roll off. Maybe I should start myself a journal and just write down my responses to make myself feel better.

"Reactive"....good description. That's what I need to concentrate on NOT doing. I can do that.

Well let's be honest here, dude. You either are not in, or executing the world's worst, Plan A. Your entire mindset today, as relayed through your words was, "WW is being snarky and nasty, and whatever she wants, I'm not giving her, even if I can't figure out what she's up to!"

She raises issues about paying bills? Discuss with her (being "Plan A supportive") which ones she means and how you together can accomplish what needs to be done.

She needs your child's SSN? Call her and tell her over the phone, or, if necessary, send it to her half-and-half in two separate e-mails.

Remember, you follow Plan A until resentment/disappointment starts to interfere ("I'm not used to NOT letting people know what I'm thinking when they treat me like this. Kinda makes me feel like I'm allowing her to bully me and that's not a very comfortable feeling.") with your ability to continue. then you commence Plan B. Plan LFH is not doing too well, it seems.

NG,

That's where I continue to have problems discerning what is Plan A and what is agreeing to her demands/being a doormat.

I'm supposed to not be agreeing and making things easy with the divorce process yet I'm supposed to work with her as much as possible to divide the finances? I just apparently don't get it.

I see what you're saying but am having the most difficult time determining where the line is between the two.

Plan A doesn't mean I have to think of her the same way I'm treating her.

And it sure doesn't mean that I can't get ticked off at her and her behavior. It just means that I can't let her know that.

And I know I'm not executing the perfect Plan A, but I'm doing the best I can right now. I have never even thought I have executed any portion of the MB plans the way I'm supposed to have. No one is to blame for that but me. I'm ok with that.

I have done the best I could do under the beyond incredible circumstances that I'm in. Yes, many others have been through this and have more than likely handled it better. Great for them. I'm happy they were able to do that.

I haven't quit yet and I have every right to do so. So, I think I'm making a great effort just to still be hanging on and trying to save my marriage.

I see what you're saying but am having the most difficult time determining where the line is between the two.

Dude, I cannot compose music. I do not have any idea what a contrapunto might be (football play?) or why pianissimo doesn't mean playing on a small piano. That said, I do know when music sounds like crap (Pretty much everything after the "Bangles").

Similarly, though my ability to guide or suggest methods to maintain a Plan A is compromised by the fact that I would never attempt one, I do recognize one that is...faulty. You seem to be trying. My only words to that are:



DO, OR DO NOT! THERE IS NO "TRY" !

DOnt let her get to you LFH .. it only fuels the fire.

I hear you...I really do.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm "doing" the best I understand how. Unless I ask someone to rule on every move I make in regards to my crazy WW then I can only make the decision myself. Having never gone through this before, I make bad decisions on what is and what isn't.

I wish there were a rule book. I would memorize it and then wouldn't make any mistakes.

I know what you mean when you say you would never do a Plan A. I do want to save my marriage and give it another try, but my personality is NOT the type to do this either. I'm doing it because my marriage means that much to me.

I have also said that if ANY wife of mine EVER had an affair, there would be absolutely NO discussion and absolutely NO chance that I would stay with her. I have said that my whole life, but when it actually happened I found that my love for my wife, family, etc., was strong enough to make me try.

It's very easy to give up and only have to work through the pain that's left over. But staying to try to do the best you can through this experience is much more difficult and painful yet the potential positive outcome is worth it.

So I continue to try to the best of my ability and knowledge. "Best", meaning that I WILL screw up, I WILL make bad decisions, I very possibly could get to the point where I've had enough and tell her that she can get out of my life....but I will at least try!