Well today has been pretty horrid. Ran into Isildur unexpectedly at DS6 school this morning. DS6 stayed the weekend with his father, he wanted to come home on Sunday as per usual but Isildur wanted him to stay and take him to school in the morning. This is his current tact, even though it is a 40-45min drive from the house to school. I assist in a reading programme each morning in DS6 classroom and had anticipated Isildur to have left as he should have been at work at that time. Passed each other entering/leaving school.

As a result of Isildur's defaulting the bank issued a demand for repayment of the arrears by the close of business today. As I only received this demand late Fri my lawyer has managed to get a 1 week extension.

The sale I agreed to fell through, the market isn't the best and it's winter here. We received a lesser offer which unfortuately given Isildur's intention to continue defaulting would be wise to accept. Holding out for a better price would be eroded by the continuing arrears, so the better option is to accept.

It is so disheartening to watch our equity being eaten, 20 years of hard work and sacrifice to achieve financial security and he is willingly destroying it. I wish I could shake him back to reality, but I have to accept the situation.

Isildur was to drop the contract off this afternoon. I had arranged for "a go between", so I could sign and return for scanning and return to agent. He emailed agent to advise he couldn't do this as PEGI's cat was sick.

Unbelievable, he wanted a fire sale and is responsible for the deterioration of our loan and couldn't take 15mins to ensure the offer was finalised b/c of a sick cat(there was a 5pm deadline or the purchaser intended to withdraw) I would have liked to text her to say suck it up and deal with it. Very uncharitable but it isn't fair that I have had to face many difficult events alone, their A has resulted in the sale and a sick cat could jeopardise that sale

Either she is controlling or he couldn't face me,silly wayward brain he wouldn't see me I had a "go between" to pass the documents.

I'd really like to send a copy of NewCreation2011 initial post in her thread "what you will get if you marry your affair partner" I thought it might be an opportune time to send the thoughts of a former OW to PEGI whilst Isildur is away on business (advised in discussion with agent re contract) and she is worried about her sick cat. It would be nice to plant the seed of doubt or set the scene for future LB

I could really use some advice from any vets or senior members.

Isildur seems to have me over a barrel, it appears he is the only one who can rectify the sitution and that seems unlikely with his foggy brain. Is there any way to tap into a waywards guilt? Reason I'm asking my IC advised Isildur was really trying to deny his feelings and guilt by totally obliterating our entire history not just part of it. I know I'm stretching hope here, but I don't know what else I can do.

I wondered if I sent a copy of "Truehearts Letter" and "What u get if marry AP - Newcreation2011" if it may make a dent - again desperate hope.

Isildur is still defaulting on mortgage. The bank issued a letter of demand and my lawyer received a 1 week extension, which expires on Monday. Isildur has so far not replied to my lawyer's communication. I sought legal advice re obtaining an injunction only to discover that this is extremely expensive (I don't have funds)and there is little guarantee of success it is difficult to achieve. I would even be required to pay market rent for living in my own home!

It sucks that we could loose everything we have worked so hard for during our 20yr marriage and the "legacy" we were going to pass onto our children will be lost. I'm in the position where I won't even be able to obtain a loan as his defaulting has trashed my credit rating. The frustrating thing is I have kept the bank informed, I can't understand why they don't seek payment from him, they can see he has the funds to repay.

He has even told DS6 he is not paying mortgage and we will need to find a new home. My DS18 is in his final year of school and the stress of loosing our home is impacting his studies. I have an appointment (called by school next week to discuss their concerns)

The sad thing is Isildur doesn't seem to care about the impact on our children or that people know he is defaulting.

happy, that's soooo not plan b! you are still struggling so much because your PB has so many holes. i posted that response in your other thread because i wanted you to see that when in the fog, NOTHING ELSE matters to the wayward. they don't have a care in the world about you, the children, their lives, NOTHING. trying to battle it is as hopeful as a fly battering against a shut window (or moth to flame).

i think you're going to have to accept that no money (or WS clarity) is forthcoming, and start making plans for that reality. yes, it massively sucks, and you have no legal support here, which sucks dog's balls, totally. but you have to do what you have to do for your and DS6. (i say DS6, because DS18 will be off to uni soon. with any luck he can get into a hostel, even though you're in welly.)

i'm sorry, HF, i really am. and i'm not religious at all, but sometimes you have to "let go and let god," you know? believe me, i know how hard it is to relinquish that power over your life, but that power is a mirage - you don't really have it, and it's holding you in limbo. i know you think that if you let it go, you will spiral down a black hole. but you will be surprised at what you find in yourself and what kind of life you can make once you let that mirage go. you can, you have permission even, to let go of the string, and let the balloon/mirage float away into the sky and give you freedom from desperately grasping at the string and holding it to you.

i know i haven't been around much lately, with exams, marking, and reports, but that's done now, and the school hols are a week away. what are your plans for the hols? and where do you stand with DD right now? i'm also anxious to hear about DS18s schooling.

Sorry Happy but trying to educate a wayward is like trying to educate a fallen down drunk when they are obliterated.

Letty gave great advice.

I would start looking into buying him out of the house or moving. We all understand the hurt your DS s are feeling. This is the horrendous consequences of infidelity.

Does DS18 express his anxiety to his dad? Let him know how it's affecting him and his brother?

Letty I know its not Plan B and I doubted I could get through to Isildur but I was desperate to fight for our home and he seems to be the only option, even though I know in reality its not going to happen he is "hardened". If things deteriorate further and we loose our equity I have no means of purchasing another house let alone renting. He has totally screwed us by financing the A.

The frustrating part is there is no financial reason to be in this position, he is deliberately defaulting and my hands seem to be tied. Our law here sucks. I even appealed to MIL to talk some sense into him re default. They have bought his crap about it being unsustainable. Amazing if they believed our mortgage was unsustainable why lend him a deposit to purchase another house and take on more debt before our mortgage was reduced or paid out. She stated they would talk to him but he was an adult and they can't change his decisions.... I'm not holding my breath.

The children have had 2 yrs of trauma (other external events) and after moving cities last year, Isildur's A and abandonment, its not in their interests to relocate again, thats why I determined to fight.

I have possibly another option which appears slim but I will know more on Monday. Its a sad state of affairs when I place any glimmer of hope on Isildur to save us from the mess he has created .... shows my desperation, the odds of winning te lottery would be higher.

Thanks BH, I knew when I posted I was clutching for a miracle.

I have one slim option I am looking into and will know more on Monday. Sad thing is I have spoken with 3 different lawyers specialists in different areas to find a way to stop his defaulting.

What frustrates me is DS18 finishes his final year of school in 4/5 months, Isildur's timing sucks, it's sad he doesn't care about the impact on him.

DS18 hasn't expressed his anxiety or thoughts on the matter. He has declined 2 invitations to visit Isildur. He house sat for them in May and asked me to collect him before they returned home. Speaks volumes but I'm sure Isildur doesn't see this.

Do you think it wise to ask DS18 to speak to his father about his stress etc? I don't know if it would make a difference or whether its fair of me to ask, I don't want to cause him further grief

I'm a big believer in the children telling how they feel.

It takes you out of the middle and DS18 will see how his dad really is. Yes it probably won't dent Isildur but it will plant a seed.

That is one reason that Dr. H advocates exposure to the children and close family members so they will put pressure on the wayward.

Thanks BH I appreciate your advice. Given my mixed emotions ATM I wanted to make sure it was the right thing to do. I know his 18yrs but I still want to protect him. My children are amazing and I will do everything to put their interests first, thats why I'm so determined to fight for their home.

The sad thing our family (including the inlaws) and friends are sadly enabling Isildur, they may not agree with what his done but no one will hold him accountable. Everyone tolerates PEGI for Isldur.

DS18 doesn't like PEGI, he hasn't voiced this to Isildur but he has little contact, DD16 doesn't like her but feels she can't speak up or dad will become angry and then ignore her. She doesn't want to loose her father, she feels she needs to get along with PEGI or she won't have contact with her father. Also being honest she is angry and manipulating the situation to get what she can out of it.

You put your kids first Happy and that you care for your children and it shows. Your kids will know also.

Dr. Harley said on the radio show how he talked to a man about how he lost his kids because of his affair. Dr. H says these are just some of the consequences from an affair.

So sad.

I have struggled with reconciling DH with Isildur. It was extremely painfull hearing/reading the denigrated perception of me. That someone I had loved for 22yrs could feel/think of me in this light.

I hoped somewhere deep inside his foggy brain there was a locked compartment that knew it was false. I also hoped that when/if he came out of the fog the real me would see the light of day again, regardless of reconciliation, I didn't want him to think ill of me. It was painful to consider that he may never acknowledge the real me.

Given his path of destruction I have finally realised I need to let this go. I can't let the pain continue to hurt me, I can't heal if I worry about his false foggy views. I've also sadly recognised why should I worry about Isildur's views, he is a wawyard who has lost his integrity and principles, he is not the man I loved or respected. Control the things you caan let go of those you can't.

If he comes out of the fog and decides to return to the marriage, he will see the real me, if not I need to move forward and remember I hold the truth and have my memories. I need to remain true to myself and not allow his denigration to lessen who I really am.

Thanks BH, I would walk over hot coals for my kids. Its sad b/c pre A Isildur was a wonderful father who always put his kids first so this has been hard for them. I tried to protect their relationship with them, but he is responsible for any damge. At least they know they have a mother who loves and cares for them and will always make them a priority.

My DS6 said to me this morning I was a loving caring person and he liked that I always spent time with him. He thanked me for doing the reading programme in his class each morning and going to his assessmbly on Friday. He told me he loved me the most .... brought tears to my eyes, he said "they are tears of happiness aren't they mum" to DS6 he is amzing and brings so much joy.

to you happy. I feel your pain.

I remember thinking of doing this. Actually, I obsessed on it for a while, thinking it might be what reaches Gollum. But I've come to accept that my pain means nothing whilst he remains wayward. I can't control that, but I sure as heck can stop exposing myself to further disappointment.

Trying to educate a wayward is only going to do you more harm. The longer we keep trying to "reach" them, the more we stay in the drama and feel rejected and hurt as they continue to fail us.

But I understand how unfair it can feel to have to keep sucking up the consequences the wayward heaps upon us. Keep to Plan B, one foot in front of the other, and do the best you can do by yourself and the kids. Document everything and I really hope you have a bloodhound of a lawyer for property settlement. I can't remember where you are at with this... is Isildur contributing any CS?

Happy, keep on Plan B'ing. You ARE much more than this A and your WH.

Are you back to exercising?

After reading your troubles happy, and your struggle to let go, I thought linking you in to this thread might be relevant...

Cara, The reason I wanted to send copies of the FWS & OW letters wasn't to educate but a desperate hope to play on his guilt and get him to stop intentionally defaulting on our mortgage. Unfortunately the way to stop the defaulting is for him to decide to stop ... our ridiculous laws. I am determined to fight for my financial security even if he is prepared to throw it all away.

I struggled with accepting Isildur and his denigrated view of me. I have as of tonight come to the decision/realisation that for me to heal I have to let this go, after all I know the truth and have my memories. Looking at what/who Isildur has become, what he has lost, how hardened he is, he needs to hold onto this false perception to justify his behaviour and deny his feelings. Why then should I allow a wayward's opinion of me to hold such power and cause so much grief.

I loved, respected and admired DH with all my heart, but Isildur is not this man, he has lost his integrity, principles and so much more. I have remained true to myself, maintained my dignity and self respect. It has been painful to have him think ill of me and I hoped some day he would gain clarity and see the real me irrespective of reconciliation.

I know holding onto this has delayed my recovery, I have to let go. This is a huge step for me b/c it was painful to think he believed the foggy babble. The denigration hurts, having someone I've loved for 22yrs suddenly think so poorly of me was painfull.

Sadly Isildur knows me so well, he knows how painful the denigration is and it is another weapon he can use against me. I need to stop supplying him with any ammunition.

Thats why I started the other thread "waywards in & out of fog" to help me understand, process and move beyond the foggy babble. I have let go of the DH I knew and loved, accepted the denigration as foggy justification and let go of the pain it causes. Hopefully I have taken a step towards recovery and I am moving forward with my life.

happy, you haven't posted in awhile. what's up?

I'm with Letty... I've been thinking of you. Give us an update happy.

I have been riding the emotional rollercoaster and facing the continuing weekly "wayward challenges" Isildur presents even without having contact.

For so long he has been doing something wayward every week, whether it relate to the children or finances or whatever. Is this common behaviour amongst wayards or is he extreme?

Emotional anniversary moments - all the male birthdays in our family, Isildur, DS19, DS6, FIL, BIL all within a month of each other. I've found it very hard that Isildur is not part of our sons' birthdays, so unfair for them. This will be the first my sons haven't spent with their father. I resent this.

I went to my DS6 friend's party last Sunday. I was present at the party and it really hit me, I came home and cried. It seemed so unfair that my DS6 may not share another birthday with both parents. Then I started to think about how the first 7yrs are the formative years and hoped his "slate hadn't been re written" by the trauma of adultery and abandonment. So much devastation and sacrifice for a gold digging skank.
I resent her predatory behaviour and the devastation she has caused. I resent Isildur was so weak and has allowed this skank to cross the line, that he has sacrificed his family for his selfish addiction.

I've decided to change lawyers. I need a male lawyer who is willing to stand up to Isildur and put pressure on him. Isildur is out of control and needs to be held accountable. My previous lawyer was too "reasonable" no pressure was applied and as a result our Separation Agreement is still not finalised and he is still defaulting, we've sold assets for less than their value and there are still visitation issues.

I met with new lawyer today and I came away feeling confident that someone is willing to stand up and fight for the children and I. He seemed to have an understanding of infidelity and wayward behaviour so that should help. A couple of issues he stated "that is unacceptable" - a different response to my previous lawyer's response. He is reading the information I have provided over the weekend and I have another meeting on Monday.

Why is it that the middle aged males (lawyers, banker, real estate agent)I've had dealings with have been perceptive about adultery and identified PEGI as a gold digger, but the younger females don't seem to understand.

Interesting I received yesterday a letter from Isildur's lawyer - he asks me to stop writing to him (last written communication was Plan B letter), his workmates, friends, inlaws and employer regarding his decision to exit the relationship (not even marriage), he understands it's a difficult time for me (1st acknowledgment)however my actions will effect the children's relationship with the family and his future earning potential if I continue.

Very interesting since my exposure was 7.5.12. As I hadn't received any responses (except from Isildur & PEGI) I really believed everyone was enabling. Maybe there has been some behind the scenes activity after all. At the very least it has made them uncomfortable and maybe its still having an impact .

After an emotional week, an intial sad and angry response to his letter, discovering the cracks may beginning to appear has brought a smile to my face.

BTW my toenails are cherry red (nice and bright) and I'm going to paint my fingernails Sugar Plum

Sounds like a great update, happy, in that you are taking positive steps of making it through this. Getting a good new lawyer is an excellent idea.

I understand the sadness for the children's sake. When my first husband left, we had had my oldest DD's second birthday party just a few months before and it was a huge family affair, with a lot of relatives coming from out of town (she was the first grandchild on both sides, and only one still at that point). I had to grieve a lot of days after that, that their father wasn't present (the hardest was DD2's birth...since we had done "Husband Coached Childbirth" lessons for a drug free birth with the first one). But you'll find untapped strength. You'll find times and ways when you can make it through, and be their for your kids in ways that you can't anticipate yet.

Right now, I've had the last week off, and the kids and I have all been together so much. We're having such a good time, playing games, making treats, having little adventures, talking and planning. These are all times that would be so different if HAM was in the picture. I wouldn't be paying them nearly as much attention. So in some ways, the kids are "winning" on that front...they now have my undivided attention. I can fill their lovebanks to overflowing. And that helps them, even if just a little, while their father/step-father's lovebank depletes. It also is good for me, too...because they fill my lovebank as well. Now WE get to bond as a family in a way we didn't before, and that is powerful and good. I hope you'll have a lot of good moments like the one with your DS6 when you cried tears of joy...because you are blessed with the children, and unfortunately, Isildur is the one missing out.

Oh, one last thing...when HAM was withdrawn from the girls initially and wanted to do things just with his biological son, suddenly I had a lot of alone time with the girls and we always made it fun and special. I had a frank conversation with them once about it, and they said, and I think this is true, that they were really happy to have their mama time and didn't miss HAM so much because of how special it was to have me all to their selves. So, your DS is probably feeling that, too, that he actually gets some blessings out of this experience, in that he gets mama all to himself. I know it's easy to see the holes in our children's lives after they've been rocked by infidelity and abandonment, but the glass is really more than half full...there are also some positive things for them as well. If a father is not going to be a father, it's better if he's just not around.

Jen, I really appreciate you sharing your experience, it has helped put things into perspective.

The few times Isildur has cancelled visitation with DS6, I've said to him I know you feel sad but Iam so happy I get to spend more time with you. I didn't carry this through to everyday life. I have been so upset about the negative impact on the children and what they have lost I didn't see the positives such as the extra time I have for them and how that benefits my children.

Sorry for the bumps in the rollercoaster, but glad you're back and doing well.

Congrats on the bulldog lawyer.