I would make the offer so that you can move forward with no regrets.

It will help your state of mind in Plan B to know you 'did all you could' and that he simply chose not to follow simple instructions.

Make the offer,then move forward as if he is never coming home. Plan B is about creating an amazing life for you and you alone.

Indie sums it up perfectly.

For me, having no regrets is a huge factor in my recovery. Sure, I have moments when I question if I did all I could to save my marriage. But overall, I know I gave it my all. I did the best I could, and I upheld my vows.

Neither of which a wayward can claim whilst wayward.

Glad to hear you are returning dark Estrela.

Did your husband know you had the papers and were poised to file for divorce?

Indie, Caracal - thanks for the input.

Mel - Yes, I told him I had the meeting with the lawyers and was getting ready to file.

He said he would do whatever I want to recover. When I told him I was not ready to commit, but maybe would change if I see actions from him, he told me he wanted to do it together (he had a call with Steve Harley and used him as his excuse also - saying that SH told WH to prepare the NC and NC plan together with me). Otherwise WH "could not see the point" of doing anything.

We kept circling like that. He also told me he broke up with OW, which I found out through spyware to be a lie. I told him I knew they were together, and he denied.

That's when I thought it better to go back to Plan B. I was feeling too much pressure from him.

I have not send the NC note yet. He just called me. Left me a voice message saying he misses me and wants to keep talking to sort things out...

OK, just sent the note:

"Please direct all communications through IM, she will pass all pertinent information to me.

I will be willing to speak with you again only when you finish all contact with OW for life. Please do not contact me until then."

Beautiful! You can take your time to decide if you want to D, like everyone said. For now, focus on dark B, and take the time you need to decide for YOU, has nothing to do with WH. Best of luck!

Thanks, Rainy!

Do you think WH might be reading your posts?

Jeezzzzzzzzzz waywards are dumb as a bag of rocks.

Sometimes I think the process of becoming an alien-wayward performs some anti-cognitavive voodoo on their foggy brains.

Stupid wayward logic = "I will do whatever it takes, whatever you want, including lying to you."

I actually suspect they believe their own words when these whoppers pop outta their pie-hole.

I'd love to see a PET scan of a wayward's brain during the process of lying. I wonder if the "pleasure center" *lights up* when they think they are being soooooo clever.


I think male waywards are especially skilled at compartmentalizing, in comparison to female waywards.

YOU, the BW, are in the box labeled "marriage relationship". And, it is true, WH will do whatever you want while he is dealing with the marriage box.

The OW, well, she is in an entirely different box, and what goes on between WH & OW is unrelated to the marriage box.

UN-freaking-believable.

DUMB as a bag of granite.

I should elaborate .....


"I will do whatever it takes to make you believe I will do whatever you want, including lying to you."

Yeah, THAT'S more like it.

Pep - thanks for laughs.

I told WH of this site and MB. The easiest thing to do would be to come here and read my posts (if he wants to keep gaslighting me - at least do it properly!) or read the material (if he is really interest in R).

No - waywards take the lazy river road. Do nothing, just go with
the flow and throw some crumbs along the way...

When he told me "I am not with OW, I am with nobody", I could almost hear the little voice whispering "right now" so he could assure himself he was not technically lying to me ("I did not have sexual relationships with that woman" - sounds familiar)

From the movie
Analyze This


DD 22 and I watched this on Netflix last night.
Well, I went to bed before it ended, but I did see this part and thought of how waywards use compartmentalization to sort of "clear the decks" of any guilt.

You got that right, sista'

In his pea-brain, he may justify non-sexual conversations/contact with OW as adhering "good enough" to NC.
After all, even a sleazy OW needs a moral-boost every now and then. It's not really contact. Is it?



Dummies

"Mel - Yes, I told him I had the meeting with the lawyers and was getting ready to file."

Ok, now I understand why he wanted to "talk." he doesn't really want to do anything to recover, but just wants to stop you from filing for divorce. He figured he could stop you if he threw you some crumbs. He doesn't quite believe yet that he really has to change anything to get you back.

Perfect!

Mel - thanks!!!

These days have been ups and downs.
Talk about a rollercoaster.

WH has been trying to contact me. Not enough to make me consider him seriously (like sending a NC letter) but enough to affect my emotions.

When he called the kids yesterday, he asked DS9 to ask me if I wanted to talk to him. Really!

And today he sent an e-mail saying he misses me and if we can talk (again, he sent to my work email and I cannot really block it, it just goes to another inbox).

Reactions:
anger - he values me so little, that he cannot even make real efforts.
guilt - I am behaving irresponsible towards my M
sadness - grief - to see that my feelings for him are becoming less and less

He will be travelling for the next 2 weeks, so I guess I will take a break from him. Till then, I am making sure I am not in the house during kids' exchanges since I know he will attempt to trap me then.

also, is Scotty OK? She hasn't been in the forum for a while (which is fine, of course, if nothing is going on). I hope she is well!

You need to really block that work email gap.

Is there any way you can get someone else, maybe a good friend to check the inbox? Have that inbox automatically delete? Can you set up an autoresponse to his email, telling him its undeliverable or some such? He may be more inclined to give up if you do that.

Not answering may be the best and only way though.

estrela, this is a sign that your Plan B is working. He misses you but not enough to meet your conditions. So he is testing to see if you will relax your conditions so he doesn't have to. If you continue to hold fast until he meets all your conditions, he may come through. But he is still just testing to see if you are serious since he is not serious.

He is still in that phase where he wants you to change so he won't have to.

Estrela, I am okay, just need to get some thing in order IRL. Just dropping in to let you know that I`m okay.

Now, how can you fix these holes? Sit your son down now, and let him know that you are willing to speak to your WH when he has agreed to end his affair for life and commit to working on building a better marriage using Marriage Builders. Then, let your son ask any questions he may have of you.

Now, your work email addy, how are you going to fix that hole? Brainstorm it. Are you able to get it changed?

Thankee, Scotland!!