Oh it MUST be a bad day, to inspire this sort of nonsense.

First off, regarding exposure, it was a huge success with members of her close family actively supporting it.

Secondly, he wouldn't be able to blame you if you'd been sweet? Are you kidding? I've never yet seen a wayward call a BS selfish for breathing oxygen, but its about the only accusation I haven't seen. And I probably will see it one day.

You have a tough hide and the heart of a lion. A family who will honour and admire you all the days of your life. You also have a huge gaping wound that won't heal overnight.

Grieve, cry, rest. Let it take you down if you need it to. Its natures way of making sure you don't take on too much. Grieving is work too. And its harder work than exposure. The more of it you do, the closer you are to being done.

But don't stab yourself will silly accusations while you're doing it.

Rainy what happened to have you all strong to second guessing yourself? Just a bad day, really?

His CS will keep stacking up and eventually he will have to pay it plus interest. It is only hurting him (and of course the kids) for not paying now because those arrears will catch up to him, big time.

don't you even go there, g/f! you are amazing!

you are having a bad day. there will be more. but they will become fewer as time goes by. it is hard to get through the bad days, really hard. but you have shown an amazing strength of character, and that is the most important thing!

did the exposure work? YES! right now, you may not feel like it. but the seeds of doubt have been planted. it takes time for them to grow, and unfortunately, you can only wait until it flowers - a season, right?


of course it's much easier to help others, even when you are in the same sitch (don't i know it!)! because we are not party to their situation. it's much harder to act on it ourselves, for sure. that does not mean your advice isn't good. just that we all struggle with implementing it.

go have a good cry, rainy. get those bad feelings out. you will feel better for it. you, too, are going through withdrawal and pain from the end of your marriage, as well as all the fallout from your WH's a. it's only normal and natural that you feel crappy today. i hope you feel better later. will check back after work. chin up, gf!

Oh Rainy, I feel for you. I really do. But as Indie said, you have to stop this nonsense and pull yourself out of this funk.

I believe it was the wise Pepperband who had written somewhere this (and I'm paraphrasing) and it got me through the after-exposure crap when WH made people think I was a crazy psycho

'I know the truth and I have my dignity, my self respect, my family and I can hold my head up high...what does HE have??'

Think about that.....what does HE have? And what do you have?

~RQ

Rainysweet

Yes it must! I've been here sweet Rainy. I still go here some days. But as Letty said, those days do become fewer the deeper into Plan B I get. Little by little, you get stronger after grieving and getting through withdrawl (which, i'll admit I don't think I'm through yet even after 5 weeks in Plan B)

Exposure Works. But it is a seed.

There are many, many people watching Pinoke every-so-closely now. They may not tell you. They may tell you YOU are the problem, they don't believe you, they don't blame Pinoke for leaving, blah-blah-blah. But rest assured - they're watching him.

And to be honest - even if every single person that you exposed to believed and supported you, it still wouldn't change Pinoke or his treatment of you & your children. The goal of exposure isn't to get everyone to believe you - it's to bring the truth into the light. Way to go Rainy! You did it!

Sooo...what color are your nails today?

Rainy, I feel your pain I wish I could reach out and give you a hug I know you are feeling low and I understand
you are facing more challenges b/c of his behaviour but you are NOT responsible for this. Pinoke is responsible for this. I know this may not give you much comfort you are living with the consequences of his actions but they are HIS actions.

You have NOTHING to hate about yourself. You should be proud of the woman you have become. You have grown in strength and confidence. You DID everything you could, your children deep down know this. I understand the pain of having your teen blame you, it hurts when you are already suffering. But remember Dr. Harley's advice.

I'm sure you have considered this but you need to follow up whatever legal avenue you have to hold him to the separation agreement in place.

Your exposure was successful, you told the truth and stood up for your family. Remember even her family supported this. To be honest Pinoke was in a downward spiral of waywardness and effects of going off his meds, his current actions may have been may have been in the cards regardless of exposure ... remember POSOW is controlling and wanting the A financed.

Its sad Pinoke's family have taken the easy path, I know this is painful for you. It is easier for them to believe the wayard crap than face the reality of their son's actions. Like you said a judge does not grant a permanent PO without good reason. They know this even if they can't accept it just yet.

I'm sorry you have a fight on your hands, it isn't fair, no words will change that. You do have the strength to continue fighting, you have done an amazing job of that so far and after reading your posts there is still some fighting spirit left. You need some rest, regather your thoughts and emotions and then plan your attack.

Rainy maybe re read your thread since exposure and the PO, remember what you've achieved, how you felt, take note of the posts from other MBers particularly the vets (you impressed them!)

You can hold you head high Rainy you are an amazing woman. It takes STRENGTH living with the pain of an A for 3.5yrs. It take COURAGE and STRENGTH to stand up and fight for your family.

Thanks for words of encouragement, everyone. Sorry for the downer day.

x 2

Rainy, sorry you've had such a difficult time! This too shall pass...really...and you've come so far!

I'm not a vet or even in plan B yet myself, but may I make a suggestion? Most of your anxiety seems to stem from the cracks in your plan b...hearing what pinoke is doing, saying, etc. I think if you remove yourself from that, if you tell anyone who wants to influence YOU that you don't want to hear it and are protecting your family and that you'd be happy to hear supportive messages but that's it...then you will start to feel better. Being struck by a zillion downers will of course get you down!

As for the kids...try not to stress about the material things. Figure out what you can do without his help...you will feel so much better when you can. And you'd be surprised how the universe provides...sometimes when you just concentrate on your own plan of action, your own steps, it can be clearer how to reach those goals. So if pinoke is unreliable, and that causes you and the kids stress...try to find a way not to rely on his money. Otherwise, he WILL have a way to control your happiness and influence your emotions on an ongoing basis. And that is EXACTLY why he is doing this now...to get you where you are still vulnerable.

and don't go there either! you *never* have to apologise for your sadness! you are allowed bad days! we ALL have them. you saw my crappy post the other day, right? even people with the best of marriages have chitty days. you are entitled to this one, and all the ones that will spring up now and again like weeds in your new garden.


JV is very insightful. paper up them cracks, girly, so you can protect yourself from these types of emotional reactions. you want to save your strength for when you have to fight, not as a reaction to PB oopsies.

you have been through a lot and for a long time. it is natural that now you will have time to *feel.* and as you approach summer vacation, many of those feelings will be making for that space available in your head. expect it, and have a plan to help you cope.

you are the exposure queen! let that bring you some relief from your sadness. and may tomorrow be a good day for you. enjoy the sun on your face, your children's smiles, the texture of your lunch (pack something tasty!). let the little things brighten your day.

as WHiP said, so....what colour are your nails? :O)

I kept repeating these words to myself during exposure and Plan B.

The most noble thing you can do is stand up for what is right, no matter the cost.

You have done that rainy. I figure the cost in the long term (forget the short term) is not much... after all, we are taking action so that we no longer have to put up with up with a wayward. I'd pay that cost any day.

We all often comment on how standing up and fighting for our marriages and family shows strength. I also think us BS's perseverence to survive the down days, to grieve, is strength as well. A wayward does not allow themselves to feel, to mourn, to grieve. They just keep seeking any fix to keep the high going.

Know that you are dealing with the fallout of infidelity. You will be better for it. Your WH, hmmm, any signs he is dealing with it? I think not.

Self-deception is not a plan. Leave WH fumbling for the next hit. With Plan B, you will learn to focus on you and recover.

I agree, JV's post about Plan B was great. I know how it feels for Plan B cracks to set me back. Even the legal process seems to me to be a crack, as it means WH gets a chance to try to manipulate. Rainy, you may have a fight ahead of you. Keep reading Art of War, as you are a natural. As Letty suggests, save your strength for the real fight, don't allow WH to exhaust you with distractions. The real battle may yet be ahead.

So. Rest. Re-group. Plan A yourself and the kids. You are strong enough to do this. Its already mentioned you are an Art of War general. You will get through this.

We are all here for the down days. Know that with Plan B they will get fewer.

I went to bed at 9:00 last night. Usually stay up half the night and can't sleep, but I crashed. Still feel down this morning, but logged onto MB really quickly as I'm getting ready for work.

So many amazing, strong, kind, compassionate, and wise people on here - too many to thank you all personally this morning before school, or I would. Thank you all.

I'm trying to plug Plan B cracks slowly but surely. Harder when you're in Plan D too, and I'm letting my kids' distress get to me. All of them were kinda down yesterday too. Tried to bring them up, couldn't, gave up - not what I usually do.

I'm toying with trying to find a better paying job. That makes me sad. I love teaching, and had planned to go back to night school the next 2 years while I get higher child support (or was supposed to) to get my master's degree. Gotta think about it, I guess. Or move the kids out of their house, but that's awful too. They already lost 1 house, and I just finally got them here.

Guess I'd better get to painting my nails tonight:) Hope you all have a great day.

The children will follow your lead.

If you need to live elsewhere, a house is just a house.
You make a home with love and hugs, meals together and your favorite pillow to sleep on each night.

You're right, Reading. They've just moved 3 times in 3 years, after living in the same home for 9 years before that. I thought we were finally settled.

But, you're right. It's your family that matters, not where you live. We will be okay, one way or another.

Caracal -

You're right. It is noble to stand up for what is right. I'm defending my children and my family, and I guess if people are going to attack me and defend the affairrees because of it, then oh well.

True too, about grieving, planning, dealing, and WH just self-deceiving more and more. I think that's why it got so ugly before I did this. As long as he was "high" on his "drug" (OW skank), all was great, and as soon as he had to come "off," he'd freak out and come after me and/or the kids. Still not sure why - crazed maniac not knowing what to do when he wasn't on his drug, or trying to force the kids to fill in the cracks when the whore wasn't around, or blaming me or them for the nightmare mess he's made of his own life. Guess I don't care. Just grateful I don't have to deal with that part of it anymore.

All true, sound advice.

Thank you to all of you for the empathy, the pick me up, the reminders to pull it back together.

That's why we call it a roller coaster, my friend.


on getting back up.

Love you, Brain! Nice to know you're close by. Not sure why, but it makes me feel better. Maybe it's the truck.

Thanks.

Love you too.

Haha we just got back from a week in Texas, but my truck was here watching out for you.

Rainy please never feel the need to apologise for your feelings and posting about them. This forum is for for advice, but it is also for support and encouragement when we feel low. You need to allow yourself to feel these emotions and grieve its all part of the healing process.