TW,

I also want to say that the point about the POSOM being the potential step-father of my children is NOT gonna happen. I have already spoken to my lawyers about a standing court order that would disallow my WW from bringing my kids anywhere near him.

lfh, what does confronting the OM have to do with custody? Most of our BH's do confront the OM and it has nothing to do with custody. What do you mean by that?

Oh, I don't sense any fear in you at all. Quite the opposite to be honest. I just don't get why anyone (talking about your lawyer here) would advise you to not confront the POS that is doing everything in his power to destroy your family. I just don't understand that at all.

I do understand your desire to do nothing to jeopardize any chances at the best custody arrangement of your kids. To tell the truth, I admire your restraint.

I just never understand the reasoning behind the advice you've been given. If he said something like, "Okay, just try and not kill him. That might hurt your custody chances a little", then I could get it.

Mel,

I don't have any specifics on how confronting the POSOM definitely affects custody. I was just advised not to because it might affect it.

The only reason I can see it could affect it would be that her lawyer could twist it around and make out that I threatened him and then try to say that I'm violent.

LFH, hold your ground on not going. The totally useless "justice" system (civil and criminal) gives not a rat's rectum for the needs of betrayed spouses, particularly husbands. Their only concerns will be a)enriching their feeder system (lawyers) b)not being criticized by special-interest groups (NOW, etc), and c)getting worms (as they will view you) off their calendars.

When it comes right down to it, the major offender to your person is WW, dude. Concentrate on dealing with her, either through Plan A, B, or D. Ignore the ancillary distractions such as POSOM(s) - especially if you have your own doubts about the potential outcome.

ETA: important modifying phrase

I will not be drawn into her game...
I will not be drawn into her game...
I will not be drawn into her game...
I will not be drawn into her game...
I will not be drawn into her game...

Must resist...
Must resist...
Must resist...
Must resist...
Must resist...

Draw her into YOUR game.

What are you doing to meet her TOP emotional needs?
Have you asked her on a date? Spent family time?

Lexxxy,

The only one of the top 3 ENs that I can do anything about is conversation. I've been doing my best with it but this week she seems to have developed a renewed sense of anger or whatever word you want to use toward me.

We can't even hardly email back and forth without her throwing out some cutting remark or getting in a mean comment. It's been very difficult to just remain civil with her this week.

So to answer your question...I'm not able to do much of anything lately to meet any of her needs.

She appears to be getting more and more "distant" or uncooperative in regards to me.

I think she realizes that she's no longer in full control of the situation and that is making her very frustrated and angry.

She can't even hardly email me now without some sort of negative comment. I don't even respond to those. Yes, they drive me nuts but I get away from the computer or phone to "meditate" before I answer any emails. When I do answer, I only answer legitimate questions or respond to legitimate points.

I KNOW she's trying to bait me and I'm so done with giving in to that. I still get frustrated when she attacks my character or tries to make me out to be the bad guy or whatever other tactic she tries to use, but I'm NOT playing that game with her anymore.

Trying my best to continue to be as pleasant and helpful as I can under the circumstances of her attacks, but she's making it very difficult.

She's so defensive about everything. She's so "I bought this and I bought that" about everything. She continues to tell me that she doesn't trust me with our finances. She continues to tell me that she's being nice and considerate to me by paying her half of the house payment but she throws in there that she has been advised against it.

So, needless to say, Plan A'ing is very difficult. I'm doing it every chance I get and continuing to ignore her rants and raves (which I think is really firing her up) but I don't get many opportunities to implement.

lfh, it won't affect custody unless you beat him up. Now, every lawyer will tell you not to confront the OM because their goal is to facilitate an amicable, EASY divorce. They know nothing about saving marriages and don't care because that is not their goal. But there is nothing wrong with you confronting him with a big buddy and telling him that there is no future for him with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your children and the inlaws. Let him know you will not be giving up on your marriage so easily and to prepare to hear from your lawyer. There is nothing wrong with that. We have had hundreds of BH's do this over the years and it has nothing to do with custody.

Just be sure and leave your pistol in the car and take a big buddy in case you feel the urge to knock his filthy rat head off his shoulders.

How about responding back to her with something lighthearted and affectionate? For example, when she starts in on you, tell her something like: "I'm so sorry you feel that way. Thanks for letting me know, honey!"

That will completely disarm her!

Mel,

I like both of those suggestions.

I have to say that I'm a little reluctant about confronting him ONLY because I would never forgive myself if it did in some way affect my custody chances. I agree that I don't see how it could, but fear of the unknown in this situation is what scares me. I would REALLY love to do that though.

I'll try the second one on for size tonight. I feel like I have begun to "settle" in a "place" where I'm more at ease with what's going on. That doesn't really describe what I mean, but I feel more in control or something?

I don't know how to describe it. I wish I did. It's a better feeling than I've had. Not perfect and not by any means OK with what's happening, but better.

I guess I'm getting to the point where several things are happening. Including: accepting that I really have nothing to lose in regards to my marriage because it's already gone, accepting that my "real" wife doesn't exist right now, accepting that I will be OK if she doesn't come around in time, accepting/admitting (because that has always been hard for me to do) that I AM a great person and a great catch for someone and a few other things that I have had a hard time coming to terms with.

I'm still having difficult and depressed times but they are getting less and less frequent.

Know what I might do? I might just ask another lawyer friend of mine what they think about the custody issue with confronting the OM.

I don't mean to be questioning what y'all are telling me on here because, as many times before, y'all have had WAY more experience with this than me. I just have issues with doing ANYTHING that might hurt my custody chances.

There is nothing about confronting the OM that can affect custody, like I said. I have been here for 11 years and that is a ridiculous assertion. Dr Harley, who has been at this for 40 years, has also been recommending this for years.

But any attorney will tell you not to do it. That is because his only interest is to facilitate an amicable divorce. A lawyer can't help you there. If they have some PROOF that doing so "affects custody" we need to see it. Otherwise, that is just a blind assertion.

And keep in mind we have been through hundreds of court cases where the WS tried to find every way to gain an advantage in the divorce case. NEVER ONCE has one brought up confronting the OP. NOT ONCE. That is because there is nothing wrong with confronting an affairee. And we have attorneys on this board who have even done this.

What about telling your lawyer what Dr. Harley a clinical psychologist with 40+ years of experience with helping marriages and Infidelity?

Have you heard this from Dr. Harley?
I encourage BH to confront OM Dr. Harley

So y'all are saying that I should think about contacting him in some form even though I'm already having the subpoena drafted to send out to him?

Sure! I am not saying just contact him in some form, but go pay him a visit and let him know you will be fighting for your family. I would also shake him up a bit and let him know that you are having him watched and know what is going on. That will scare the hell out of him!