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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Consider this matter closed as I am turning to the Father and to real-life counsel and accountability to walk with me through healing. Thank you again and God bless you all. It's not turning to God when you ignore what He tells you to do and the gifts He's given.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I am turning to ... real-life counsel That's kind of a mean thing to say, Mary. We are all real people, and this is real life. There is nothing less real about this communication than the telephone, a letter, the newspaper, etc. I know a lot of people look down on those who communicate via the internet, but that attitude is really starting to sound kind of out of place in this day and age, if you ask me. It sounds like this is a comment designed to make yourself feel better, but it sounds like you aren't really thinking about the impact what you say has on other people. I would like you to know that traditional marriage counselors have an 85% failure rate. Most of them don't even believe in restoring love in marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 18
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DH and I talked tonight, and I shared this EA with him and asked for His forgiveness. He asked several questions, and I was happy to answer all of them - very truthfully. I did not use unmet ENs as an excuse but took full responsibility for my bad decisions. I am truly sorry and have taken steps to cut off all contact w/OM.
The irony in all this is that I realized my coming here to pour out my heart to strangers is every bit as much a betrayal as pouring out my heart and attention to that OM. I should have turned first to the One who has the ultimate ability to help me...and then to my loving DH. My focus and prayer is that He will provide the face-to-face help and accountability I need.
God loves for us to seek counsel, but He still asks that we keep Him first. I did not do that...neither in my decision to reach out to OM, nor in my decision to share my struggle here on MB. Though I approached this all out of sequence, I'm still grateful. You guys have answered my initial questions and then some. Thank you graciously.
I am confident that continued discussions w/DH and working towards our marriage will lead us to full restoration and a heightened commitment to our vows and our relationships with God. The beauty of these situations is that God uses them - if we allow Him - to help lift up somebody else who's struggling along their path of marriage.
Consider this matter closed as I am turning to the Father and to real-life counsel and accountability to walk with me through healing. Thank you again and God bless you all. Mary has this same thread on another christian forum site, same title exactly, and oddly enough she continued to post there hours after she announced here that it was wrong of her to be sharing on an internet board. Of course people were much nicer to her there!  (In case anyone doesn't get the winky face my last comment was meant to be sarcasm!)
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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That was clear when she said she wouldnt expose to the church, because she was dreading their reactions. Quite missing the point that she was supposed to dread people's reaction to adultery. She was telling us quite clearly that she wasnt going to endure anyone likely to take a hard line with her. It was obvious to me she was scanning the internet for people to coddle her smarting conscience. She didnt find that here though did she? She thinks exposure is all 'There, there, I'm sure you didnt mean it, we still trust you, carry on as before.' I for one am quite proud of this site that we dont meet Mary's requirements for coddling. How can a Christian site justifiably enable someone to continue adultery? Or are they buying her 'I can handle it' nonsense? But never say never. She has some experiences ahead which may make her yearn for stronger medicine to treat this addiction. I dont think she will find it pleasant when OM is demanding his PA need met as payment and her addiction comples her to do it. Mary, I am guessing you are lurking. Feel free to come back when you mean business. I would also check out the following thread of a woman who came here sounding very similar to you, blaming her H for not meeting needs. However she listened and having taken MB advice she and her H are on the way to a recovered marriage and spending a lot of romantic time togheter, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2631581
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Mary likes to cloud the issues but let's be very clear...
She has a long history of having a Secret Second Life (aka, she does NOT like the Policy of Radical Honesty). This is what has enabled all of her affairs and likely plays a much bigger role in her marital problems/unhappiness vs, say, her BH's unwillingness to meet her ENs.
Interestingly, I called Dr Harley about my STBX's SSL a few years ago. Dr Harley told me he would want to discuss his SSL with STBX, and what he would be looking for from STBX, as a sign that he was really willing to make changes, is for STBX to admit that he has a great deal of difficulty with honesty. Without that, he would assume he "hasn't made contact" with STBX yet.
So over the years, I have tried this approach with posters with similar background here several times (asking them about radical honesty...to see if they will admit that it will be difficult for them to give up their SSL) every time they skim over it, it's been a red flag to me. And guess what, these are the posters that are still lying, don't stick around, etc.
Mary was one of these posters...
Dr Harley really is a SMART man!
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I agree, Susie. There's no problem telling everyone what you've done if the affair addiction is really over. If the A is over, people may judge the past actions as poor, but they will also judge the bravery of the confession positively and positively judge the WW again if they witness honesty practiced consistently in future.
But if its not over, or, if the wayward wishes to be able to create new EAs whenever she likes, then clearly she won't want people watching her too carefully. Considering she's been wayward nearly her entire marriage its also possible they've already commented on her boundaries before - and she's concluded they 'dont walk in the spirit' and 'are not discreet'.
Three EAs in as many years dont happen by accident. She's addicted to them, and winces from the idea of having to stop. She also doesnt realise that in that timeframe her husband has never been given a chance to be her one and only. A woman cant feel close to a man if shes cosying up to a second one on the side all the time.
When she's ready to stop, she'll be ready to tell people.
Its a shame because I think if she was repentant today, this couple would have a chance, but they may not tomorrow
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Its a shame because I think if she was repentant today, this couple would have a chance, but they may not tomorrow Exactly. Not after years of lies.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
OM called today. I did not answer. Also taking some other steps. Does anyone find it interesting that OM calls her, and then a few short hours later she tells all of us off? Her poor unknowing BH.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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I feel for the BW too.
Perhaps they are clever and resourceful. Lets hope so.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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