If you answered my question, I missed it. I would like to help you, bruinsb, but it won't help if you aren't reading what I post. Should I continue posting to you?

Don't confuse self-respect for what it isn't. Self-respect is making some firm decisions on the path you should take and then following a plan to stay on that path. You're confusing self-respect with lashing out, or so it seems to me.

You're right that it's a fine line. There IS a time to request that a WS leave. Did it myself. But lets face it: you've been wishy washy throughout this whole process too - and have allowed your wife to be that way as well. If you had truly followed Dr. Harley's plan, you should not have been "trying" at recovery - you BOTH should have been doing everything in the MB program from the workbooks to spending the UA time - to putting safeguards in place for your marriage.

Instead, you had a false recovery situation going on because you didn't set the bar high enough. It happens.

What I read through your posts is not a man who has REALLY had enough and is DONE - but a man who is upset and angry - and maybe even clinically depressed.

My advice to you, if you want genuine self-respect, is to start doing some things for yourself: eat right, exercise, pray...take up a new hobby maybe - anything that gets your mind busy in healthy ways. Become the best YOU that you can be... and the best father you can be. In all this, you could also Plan A - show your wife what she's missing out on - but without asking her to come back or anything like that. You don't want her even asking to come back if she is not 100% committed to marital recovery, knowing she can NEVER speak to OM again.

Women are attracted to strong men: men who stand up for what they want and yes, are willing to fight for it.

No one can tell you whether or not to choose divorce as it is your right. But don't do it because you're angry and hurt: do it because you've made a rational decision, considering all options.

I tried thinking about my life - and my kids - down the road. I knew that either way, recovery or divorce, there would be pain. I also knew that if I could save my marriage, I would be preventing YEARS of hurt for my children, and for myself. Recovery would also be painful, but it was pain that could wear away as the past was molded into something beautiful for the future.

Of course, you can't chose recovery on your own; you can only decide that you'd like to try your best and go all in with what has been proven to work - and see where it goes. The MB program is obviously not guaranteed to save every marriage - but it's the best chance I know of. And, it provides personal recovery whether the marriage recovers or not.

Here's the thing though: you gotta do it all the way - you can't pick and choose between the parts you feel comfortable with and those you don't. It doesn't work that way. It sounds to me - unless the picture painted here is wrong - that neither you nor your wife have REALLY done the MB program.

You are now at a crossroads whether or not you want to decide to start listening AND DOING what people are advising, or if you want to continue floating on each wave that takes you in and out of the sea. OR... you can chose divorce. If you do, however, I would still recommend you learn all you can from this site and the materials provided - or you will not find peace.

no, you have NOT. you are cherry picking and doing things all out of order. this is why your M is crashing and burning at this moment.


the men here have given you very straightforward advice. so have the women (sunny, that last post is a goodie). we know you are hurting; believe me, no one knows better than us how you are feeling. but, man, you need to take control! stop REacting and start acting! you will never get your wife back in your current state. even when the situation is switched, and a BW is dealing with a WH, no WH wants to come home to a tearful, begging wife. it is simply not attractive!

sunny is right. right now you are floating around like plankton. once you start to take action - MB action, as written and supplied to you via BHs links, you will start to feel empowered and will be able to think more clearly. you can't decide just yet what you want to do in the end, because you are not thinking clearly. the beauty of the MB programme for fighting affairs is that it frees you from your desire to rehash everything, rethink everything, second/third/fourth-guess everything and just DO.

c'mon, man, the lives of your children are at stake here! they are absorbing everything you say and do. make sure that lesson is a GOOD one.

a final note: you don't need to act physically on your anger. of course you want to beat the pulp out of POSOM. however, you have much better ammunition in this fight than your fists. use it. take this sucker down. kill the affair.

Thank you all... Very inspiring... I will answer all of your post in due time. If you read my earlier post I just got out of the hospital with diverticulitis and am feeling really sick today. As if this was not enough I am a physical mess right now...I will rest and be Back on shortly.

ew, that does not sound good. your stress levels, i imagine, aren't helping at all.

feel better soon. you need your strength.

Two things. #1. You have NOT done everything you can because you have not done a full exposure (med board, their colleagues etc). Period.

#2. I've noticed that human beings have trouble being balanced. If we try to correct from being too angry, we often become too passive. And vice versa. God is a God of balance. Perfection usually lies somewhere between our two opposite attempts. You are being handed the right way. You just can't see it partly because you used to have a problem with anger. Period. Done.

All right, BB, your physical condition must have stabilized by now.

What goes on? What are you doing?