I'm thinking on this very seriously.

I hear what you say about your experience in the past with this situation and custody. I have to admit that even the thought of custody issues scares the absolute crap out of me because that's the one thing that I don't want to screw up.

My other issue with going to see him is ME. I dislike this weasel so much for what he has/is contributing to that I'm not sure I could present my case in a dignified manner.

I have felt that confronting him would have an impact on the situation for a while, but have been hung up on the seed that was planted about custody. If anything were to hurt that, I would be devastated beyond what any divorce could cause. I do believe you guys when you tell me what you have seen in the past.

I'm just gonna have to think on this.

I have no idea what you mean when you say this has anything to do with custody issues. WHAT are you talking about? That makes no sense.

It also might hurt your car's transmission. It has never happened and I don't know how, but since we are fielding irrational fears, I thought I would throw that in.

I mean, c'mon. That is just silly. You don't lose custody of your children because you spoke to the OP.

LOL! I would REALLY hate to hurt my transmission!

I have no concrete or written information that says if and/or how it could hurt my custody battle. I was just told that and I don't know enough about any of this to know any different. That fear of the unknown has been enough to keep me "at bay" in regards to this.

I believe in what you're telling me. I have no reason not to believe you. My fear about the custody very well may be unwarranted due to the information that I got being false, but I have not been able to get the thought out of my mind.

The fear of anything affecting the amount of time I end up having with my kids is a VERY strong driving force for me. That is the only reason I'm so very reluctant with this. I hear and believe what you're saying and I honestly do agree that talking to this weasel should have absolutely nothing to do with my custody battle.

I am a complete "legal virgin" and I don't know what to believe and what not to when it comes to what lawyers tell me to and not to do. I hope you can understand (not agree with) my issue here.

I'm still thinking and contemplating on this. I'm very seriously thinking of calling my lawyer and point blank asking about this and how it could affect custody.

LFH --

Your Plan A is far too reactionary. She sends an email -- and you respond. She calls -- and you respond. She texts -- and you respond. And you feel like Plan A isn't working too good, because she's getting snotty. Well -- of course she is! Her goal is to make you stop fighting for her! She has to create the tension, because she is trying to destroy your family. You can't get a divorce accomplished if you get along! Duh.

What are you doing to INITIATE some positive interactions?
Invite her over to spend time at home with the kids. Invite her over for dinner. Any special events or anniversaries coming up?
Send her an email with a picture and a fond memory.

Lexxxy,

You're right to a point. I have stopped responding to some of her communication when it's irrelevant. When it comes to the kids, I feel like if I don't respond (I do want to respond about the kids) even if it's something that doesn't warrant a quick response, she will try to use that against me in court.

Honestly, I haven't done much of anything to initiate many positive interactions. Not because I haven't wanted to try, but because she has become so "anti-ME" that I have had a hard time being around her. She's become very defensive or whatever you want to call it.

I know that's not how I should be reacting, but when she's basically cutting me down every chance she gets how am I supposed to bring myself to want to be around her. She's creating this dark and negative barrier that's getting more and more difficult to walk through to get to her.

Now, as you said, that's her goal and plan. I guess I need to put in double time and try harder. My fault again I guess.

I'm sitting here in the drive through line and I'm wondering why this is so hard for me to do. Why do I and why am I having such a difficult time doing what needs to be done?

Contrary to how it appears, I am a very intelligent man yet I cant seem to get things going in the right direction here.

Please someone tell me that I'm not the only one who has this kind of trouble.

LFH --

Just educate yourself. So that you don't take this so personally (I know...that seems like a crazy statement!)

It isn't about you.

This is entirely about the affair and her addiction. You're just the roadblock in between her reality and fantasy right now.

So if you can get to a place where you can shrug off her cruelty and laugh at her predictable behavior -- you will be in a much better place to do Plan A from.

You almost need to view your wife in 2 seperate identities right now -- the Demon who is trying to destroy your family -- and your wife who is trapped behind the demon. Once in awhile you get a glimpse of your wife. But most of the time you are dealing with the Demon.

So don't be afraid to fight back -- and the best way to fight a Demon is PLAN A. (they spit green stuff and spin in circles when kindness comes their way....)

Lexxxy,

I see what you're saying about where I need to get to in my mind. I think I've actually gotten there within the past two weeks. I have truly come to understand that I have to be able to let this crap that she comes up with roll off my back and try to not let it bother me. I admit that I have had a very hard time doing that because what my heart sees or hears when this stuff comes from her is completely different from what I NEED to make my mind see or hear. Those two have been hard for me to separate.

I think she has been doing these things and saying these things to me for so long that I have pretty much gotten to the point where one of several things are happening:

1.I either don't care what she says/means with those comments

2. I have gotten to the point where I have "naturally" progressed to the point where I know I must ignore those comments and actions

or (and this one scares me a little)

3. I have gotten to the point where I just don't want to care what she says or does anymore.

I'm not sure where I am. Number 3 does scare me because if this is where I am, then I don't think that can be good can it?

Within the past couple weeks I have been able to get progressively better at not reacting (at least not showing her) to her crap. Now, I have been coming onto the forum and reacting, but that's ok. I just haven't been reacting directly to her. It has taken me a while to get here, I know, because I haven't been able to separate or accept the fact that the person saying and doing these things toward me is NOT my wife. It's hard to make yourself believe that when you actually see the body of your wife doing this, but have to realize that it's not her inside that body.

Where I continue to have issues is when I have to determine what's right to do and what's not right to do. I'm supposed to not be making things easy on her but I'm supposed to be being nice, sweet, helpful, etc., but not be a doormat. I do believe that I have stopped allowing her to treat me as a doormat. Now I'm just having trouble knowing what's right and wrong to do.

I have a few examples of scenarios where I know what I think should be done but would like to see what the forum thinks should be done to see if I match what y'all think. This is a long post so I'll put the examples in another post.

Scenario 1:

Background:
She has been using a laptop of mine while at her sister's house that she knows has my snooping software on it. This week she wanted me to email her something that I told her I was not comfortable emailing because it contained social security numbers. I told her I would be happy to get the info to her by the weekend since she said it wasn't an emergency. Her reply was "yea, I understand about not wanting to email it because people can hack your email and get stuff that should be secure."

I don't know how y'all interpret that but I interpreted it as another cut at me.

Here's the question for this scenario...do I just let her know that I want her to bring my laptop back or continue to allow her to use it?

Scenario 2:

Background:
To protect myself (legally, not physically) my lawyer has advised me that it wasn't a good idea for WW and me to be in the house alone for reasons I'm sure you all know without me writing them down here....think legal protection of me and my custody.

She has not been in the house with or without me in over a month. She continues to twist the truth and make it sound like I have demanded that she not ever come to the house to get any of her stuff. I have never told her that. I have stated on MANY occasions that she is more than welcome to come get some of her things while I'm there but I think it best if she bring someone with her (as a witness just in case).

Well, as I stated already, she has been increasingly verbally abusive this week to which I have not responded. So yesterday I get an email from her asking if my schedule allowed, could she come by and get a few things which wouldn't take but a few minutes.

Here's the question for this scenario...do I politely but firmly offer to bring her what she needs from the house when we meet to exchange the kids this weekend or do I tell her that she can come over and get what she needs if she will bring someone with her.

I have gotten opinions/suggestions regarding both these scenarios from some of my friends within my support circle but wanted to see if what I was thinking matched anyone else.

You really have to start thinking protectively, friend.

You do NOT want her bringing HER witness to watch a potentially explosive situation. You want YOUR witness there.

She is still able to access your home, right? Do NOT put any impediments in the way of her free access without court approval. When she arrives unannounced, step outside, in public view, until she leaves. In any case, have your VAR on and recording, without her knowing that.

Her number one goal right now would be to ruin your life. It would be good if you weren't so eager to help her do that.

NG,

I agree that I have HAD to start protecting myself legally. I can't and don't trust her right now.

She does not have access to the home any longer per lawyer's directive. I was VERY hesitant about doing that but lawyer kept insisting that I do it for legal reasons.

...lawyer kept insisting that I do it for legal reasons.

Glad to see 1)you have a good lawyer, 2)you listened to him, eventually.

Okay, then, after discussing with lawyer, schedule when she's going to come over, and agree on what it is she will be taking. Get your witness there. Be pleasant. (Count the silverware after she leaves!)

Everyone must be as tired as I am today. Not much activity.

Maybe everyone is on vacation which is where I'd like to be.

I know it's Friday night and most normal people (that does not include me) are probably out and about, but I'm a little curious as to why there have been no opinions on my last few posts.

Are my posts in regards to things that the posters and forum is not comfortable replying to or (and I'm serious about this part) am I just frustrating you guys because of my seemingly endless ways I have of not getting things right?

I'm not upset or anything. I'm just curious about the slowness of the posting today.

I'm just spitballing here, but I'll put my 2 cents worth in.

You have over 100 pages of the best advice that you will ever get in regards to busting up this affair and saving your marriage, and all you have offered in return is excuses as to why not to implement the plans that are so plainly laid out here. What do you want and expect?

Some pretty good people have spent a lot of time trying to help you, but it would seem you refuse that help. The MB methods are cut and dried. There is NO deviation, and if you don't get FULLY on board, then you will see the support start to ebb a little for you and redirected to those that ARE willing to do all that is necessary to save their marriages. So far, you haven't done that.

Granted, it is Friday and it's always slow on the weekends, but you might want to think about what I said above. The folks here want to help (and severely so), but they can't do it if you won't help yourself.

And please don't again feed us that crap about confronting the POSOM will hurt your custody chances. That's bullcrap and you know it. It's just another excuse to not do what you need to do, and excuses don't cut it around here. Actions, not words.

Well TigerWes,

I don't really know what to say. Yes, I have messed up on many occasions.

How is a person supposed to be able to follow everything that is said on here "exactly" when many of the things seem to contradict? I'm doing the best I can, contrary to what it appears.

One minute it's said that I should be polite and nice, the next minute I'm not supposed to be helping her or making things easy.

One minute I'm supposed to protect myself legally, the next I'm supposed to be asking her out on dates.

One minute I'm supposed to try to woo her, the next I'm supposed to counter file for divorce while sending subpoenas to everyone old enough to feed themselves.

So if I seem to get confused and screw up all the time, maybe there's good reason. I am a very intelligent person, but following the program is not very easy to do when things seem to contradict everywhere I turn.

I have gotten some very good advice on here and have tried to follow most of it as best I could. I have no doubts that this program works and I have made some very good friends on here as well as gotten some very good advice along with some very well deserved beatings. I've begun to wonder if ANYONE has been able to follow any of this EXACTLY?!

What I won't do though is accept criticism when I don't deserve it. I'm dealing with the worst situation that I have ever thought I would find myself in. I am reaching out in every possible direction I can to try to find a way or ways to deal with this and maybe fix it. I AM TRYING!

TW, I know you're trying to help in some way but I'm getting kind of tired of trying to do what is being suggested and when I don't do it exactly right or whatever, I get criticized. It's very frustrating and tiring to continue trying every which way to do something and each way is the wrong way.

They say the definition of insanity is continuing to try the same thing expecting a different result. Maybe I should try something else...or maybe I'm just REALLY touchy tonight. Maybe I should just deal with this the best way I know how since it appears that I don't have the aptitude to follow the rules here!

Looking,

We all know how stressful this is and you're doing a fantastic job with what you've been handled.

You have the right to have a touchy night or a bad night, but someone is going to call you on it and get you back to your plans.

Have you ever thought about emailing Dr. Harley if you feel so confused? They are really good about responding rather quickly and it's free.