IF? Seriously? You absolutely need to file. He has made it clesr that he has zero respect for, or commitment to, his own marriage.

Hiya

I've been reading along. Very sorry you are having to go through this. I have been wayward myself and i know what selfish pigs we can be.

Kick him out NOW. My H kicked me out and it was the best thing he could have done to protect himself from further harm... and protect our daughter from an emotionally wraught enviornment.

Being kicked out might make him realise he can't have his cake and eat it too.

And there may not be any hope unless he has a significant change of heart/mind/spirit.

My change came when i (miraculously) starting seeking God whilst still seeing the idiot OM. God changed me and opened my eyes.

I will pray for you.

Hey all, thanks for the advice. He's leaving the country for his trip this Friday and will be back at the end of the month. He said he would move out at the end of July because the lease would start in Aug. I will try to get him to sign the separation agreement before he leaves. It's so sad.

I would let him move out this Friday and not give him the option of coming back. If he intends on having affairs, there is no reason to allow him back. I would send him packing and change the locks. I would suggest you file for divorce so that if he doesn't change, you will be divorced.

We have a mortgage and I need him to agree to certain conditions, so I can't just kick him out. I know I should have, but I do have my concerns about finance, so that's why I can't be too pushy. I know this is a messy situation. Thanks for all your support! It means so much to me.

He has to continue to pay your bills, though. You don't even need his agreement. You can ask him to leave and he will still have to pay. All you have to do is file and you most definitely should file to ensure he continues supporting you.

I feel for you, DAMW, and wish you strength. As it happens, I just read the article to which @ML refers above: it does set things out clearly, and should help...

You're documenting everything correct?

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Are you going to see a lawyer?

Have you read these? How To Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples
IM Training School

Just a few observations I had while reading your thread. You said your H and the OW were in the same business. Is there a way to find out who the OW is through the work connection? Especially since they have done business together.

Also, you need to kick your H out, NOW!! He sounds like he is going to cake eat as long as he can and at your expense. Don't worry about your finances. He might abandon you emotionally but he will not be able to financially.

I feel like this trip might be a blessing in disguise. This is an opportunity for you to talk to a lawyer and get a plan together. I would however make it very clear that when he returns he will not be allowed back into your house. Do not let him convince you otherwise and ignore all of the ugly horrible things he is saying. The Fog of an A can turn anyone into an evil, hurtful, ugly beast. That doesn't however mean that you have to put up with it. For you and your daughters sake, lay down the law with your H.

You have a lot of really wise people on this site willing to help you through this. You will make it no matter what happens. I, like BV will be praying for both you and your H. God led me to this site and it has saved me!

so you're willing to live in an openly adulterous marriage to pay the mortgage? why??? what will that teach your children?

you are lucky enough to be living in the USA where they are laws that *protect* you financially. i am absolutely baffled as to why you won't take advantage of that.

plus, you have a ready-made, built-in opportunity to plan a and b! plan a, send him off (with a plan b letter secreted in his luggage) and plan b that sucker! you have time to have everything arranged for when he returns. not doing this will be a huge mistake! (not to mention the total fly in the ointment it will be for his tryst!)

DAMW, you have an excellent opportunity to teach your WH a lesson, and that lesson is that you are a valuable, amazing spouse. sitting at home waiting for him to return from his adultery partner, and then LETTING HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE, is a HUGE mistake.

please, please listen to those who have advised you. you came here for help, right? take it.

Oooh yeah, Plan A that wayward until he leaves, and then, packed in an obvious place in his luggage, a Plan B letter outlining YOUR requirements for contact to resume.

This is no longer on HIS terms. It is about what is best for YOU and your kids. No more loving BW to keep the bed and breakfast running until he finds a lease that fits his wayward lifestyle. This is harming you and the kids, so take action, don't prolong it.

Contact several lawyers ASAP for advice and an appointment. Plan A WH. And post your Plan B letter here for feedback.

Once he leaves, you have time to pack his things and have someone collect them, and change the locks. Oh, and make sure you clear out any bank accounts, etc that you can. Don't fund his affair. And don't think a wayward will remain friendly and supportive of you and the kids. Sooner or later (and usually sooner) the addiction of the A overides anything and anyone else.

Thanks to everyone who are so supportive and gave me suggestions! I was only worried about finances. I definitely can't live with his adultery.
So do you mean that even if I kick him out, he will have to pay the mortgage? How can I get him to do that? I thought that once he's out, he could refuse to give me any money and we would have to end up selling the house. And after we sign the separation agreement, I have to file it with the court, right? We're in a no-fault state, so an uncontested divorce will be easier.

Waywards make all kinds of crazy statements and demands, DAMW, trying to assert themselves and make you afraid. It's bullying at the very minimum - and abusive, quite frankly.

A court of law is not just going to let your WH off the hook for the mortgage or child support in this situation, in my opinion. He has a LEGAL obligation to the mortgage company if his name is on the papers!

I agree with the others: you simply can NOT let him dictate to you what he is and isn't going to do.

Letty's suggestion is spot on: Plan A him this week and then let him know under no circumstances is he coming back into your home as long as there is a 3rd party (or parties!) in your marriage! Love the idea of a Plan B letter in his suitcase!

Get your ducks in a row. And don't worry about what's easiest - worry about what's BEST for you and your daughter! I think I am recalling that correctly. You have 1 child, a 10 year old daughter, correct? What does she know of your situation?

Yes he's on the mortgage papers. But if he's out and refuses to give me any money, how fast can I get the court to get him to pay? I'm worried that it would take a long time and I wouldn't be able to make ends meet.
And also do you guys think that I should wait to see what my supporters (ILs, relatives, and friends) can do when he's in the other country next week? I'm hoping that they can somehow help to make him realize what he is doing. Should I wait to take actions till I hear from them first?
I have told my daughter about what's going on. She understands it and is doing fine. She's the one that is giving me a lot of strength right now. She's the best I got out of this marriage.

even if your ILs are supportive, they cannnot kill the A on their own. you need to starve it dead. thus far, you have trained your WH to believe that he can come and go as he wishes, because you have always been there to support him no matter what his actions. going to plan b is a major wake-up call. even this will not end the A automatically; it will bust up when he needs aren't being met by OW AND you. with her living overseas, she is unavailable to need meet regularly. you'll be in plan b, not meeting needs either. that's what will help kill it.

plus, plan b is for you! you have been giving and giving, and he taking and taking. you need a break! and to start healing and see if you even want him back once you have some distance from the sitch.

Hearing what others have said made me realize that I haven't really understood what kinds of rights I have. I told him to move out, but he said he owned half of the house, so he had the rights to stay till he found a place to move. I thought that's true, so I haven't taken any actions yet. But it seems that people are suggesting that it's legal to just throw his things out and change the locks. I know to many people here, I don't seem to have stood up for myself and my child. I was not aware that I could just do it without any legal consequences. I can't afford a lawyer, so I'm trying to get some help online. Thanks so much for all the information. It has been so helpful!

He will be gone long enough for you to file for residency--that's how you legally get him out. You can just put him out and change the locks, and when he returns he may choose to call the police, to whom he will have to explain that the reason you threw him out was because he spent the last week in another country with his adultery partner, who he intends to leave you for. Depending on the idiocy of your local force, they most likely would request that you allow him in to gather his things, which you can say are already stored *wherever*, but they most likely WON'T force you to allow him to stay there because at that point (he wouldn't call unless he was furious) it becomes a matter of safety.

Just get separation or divorce proceedings going and get a quick hearing on residency.

Good grief this man is abusive!

You need to check legalities, for sure. It's hard for me to fathom that he would be so bold as to assert his rights to stay in the house, knowing he's cheating, knowing his CHILD knows he is cheating...

There are many ways in which you can stand up for yourself, DAMW. Right now it sure seems to appear that your WH thinks you a pushover!

How is the relationship between your daughter and your WH? Surely she has recoiled from him with is terrible behavior. Does that not have any effect on him?

Hi another question. Besides mortgage and child support, he agreed to transfer the deed to me and pay a certain amount of cash to me as a compensation for my loss (even though how can he compensate me enough for my loss) within one year of the separation starting date by a series of payment. So if this is written into the separation agreement, he will be legally bound to pay me that amount no matter what, right? I have written in the separation agreement that this agreement will be incorporated into any final court decree. Will the judge make his/her own judgement and amend the agreement later on?
Thanks for any advice!