Why are you paralyzing yourself by worrying about less time with your kids? How about putting together a strategic plan to get them back with you all the time, along with your wife? Oh, wait. You've already been given that information and have dismissed it. Got it.

LR,

Tell me how in the he** am I fortunate at ALL right now? Huh?

I've lost my wife, my marriage, 50% of my time with my kids already, my in-laws which were good friends of mine, my life that I have worked so hard to build over the past 12 years, my best friend (in my wife) and I have people that are trying to TRUELY and honestly trying help me on this forum that don't seem to understand that if I do ANYTHING that might cause me to lose anymore time with my kids that I will probably lose it!

Yes, I'm angry right now and trying to type this out through the tears of frustration, overwhelming hurt and confusion. So take it with whatever meaning you want.

We understand this is irrational and contrived.

Feelings are not irrelevant.
Feelings exist without sense or logic or morality.

Following a PLAN eases the stress of uncertainty.
Following the natural capriciousness of feelings in the wake of discovering adultery is a mistake.
You can have your feeling AND follow a Plan too.
The difference is .....

Following your feelings and not a PLAN will cause you to zig-zag and yo-yo all over the place. Bouncing like a ping-pong ball in a wind storm.

Following a PLAN despite recognizing your feelings of unease will settle you down and give you some ninja skills to fight this thing.

I was where you are now.

I felt attacked. I felt turmoil. Most of it was internal. He77, i even spoke to Mel on the phone. I finally got it.

Yes you are fortunate for these awesome people who are here busting their buns helping YOU.

You will realise how forturnate you are soon enough.

TAKE THEIR ADVICE AND DO IT.

When your lawyer hears that you plan to confront OM, he will immediately mentally see "assault" and will tell you not to have any contact with him. Your attorney is in Divorce Mode. He in not in the business of saving marriages. He would be out of business if that were the case.

Your mission is not to assault OM, it is to put him on notice that his life will be a living hell if he does not stay away from your wife.

Good Lord, man, if you can't do this for your marriage, at least do it for your children! Sheesh!

LR, were you surprised at how soft spoken Mel is over the phone?
I was.

Bingo! Feelings have no intelligence and that is where irrational fears derive.

I know, i was suprised....i broke out with sweaty palms and all....imagining her cattle prod was coming thru the phone lines

I am soft spoken??

Well, you were with me that time on the phone. You were about to call someone in OZ and you needed a little encouragement yourself. You did the difficult thing despite your fears. I don't know if any of the principles in that situation ever knew how much you agonized over your decision.
You did us proud, in your soft-spoken ways.

:::snort::: Your secret is out!

I can definitely vouch for the yo-yo and zig-zag way of life....that's me right now.

I have NEVER done anything in life by solely following my emotions or feelings. I have ALWAYS relied on my logical and rational side to guide me.

But this whole situation has just totally screwed me up. I have never been this emotionally "retarded". Please forgive me for using that word. We don't use it around our kids.

I have tried to make myself think logically and rationally about things but can't seem to put the emotional aspect aside completely...especially when it comes to my kids. I don't know if it shows or not but those kids are EVERYTHING to me. I would to ANYTHING for them. I'm not sure that is evident or not (trying to regain a little humor here).

I believe what y'all say and will try to convince myself that I need to change my thought process more and not let the fear rule what decisions I make.

I'm sorry for lashing out at anyone/everyone. I have never experienced this kind of hurt and turmoil in my life. It has completely taken over every aspect of everything I do. I'm dealing with it as best I can. I understand if any and all of you get tired of me and my constant issues. Unfortunately, this forum is where I vent or unleash everything. I am sorry for that.

In all kindness,

I didn't picture Mel as being soft spoken. Sometimes when I read the posts, I wonder if her CAPS button has gotten hung up (joke).

Maybe that's just toward me...

Go get a bag. Put your emotions and fears into that bag. Now, seal it up.

YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO.

SO DO IT.

You missed the part of my sweaty palms before i called her.

I don't picture myself that way either. My husband says this too but I attributed it to his hearing loss.

As far as being paralyzed with fear, we do understand this, LFH. But you can't allow irrational fears to dictate your movements. Nor can you allow an attorney to dictate your actions, since he has no idea how to save a marriage. An attorney's mission is only to facilitate an easy, amicable divorce, not to save a marriage. He doesn't care about saving your marriage, so you can't allow him to make critical decisions about your marriage.

Those decisions must come FROM YOU. You can't hide behind his skirts when it comes to taking actions that may very well run this OM off. You can't afford to leave any stone unturned.

The attorney works for YOU, after all, not the other way around.

Mel,

I think that's where the majority of my fear is. I'm so naive when it comes to the legal aspect of this that I'm intimidated by that. When I get told by a lawyer that I shouldn't do something, I believe it with no reason not to.

I've never had to deal with the legal system before and I don't know what to believe from them and what I can tweak.

I agree that they work for me, but my problem is that I don't know what they tell me that I have the option of tweaking.

I'll work on educating myself in that area as much as possible. Sorry for all the trouble I cause, but it's all due to fear and ignorance of things on my part.

Let me put this another way. You can't relegate your decision making to an attorney, therapist, ANYONE. Not even us. You need to think through the decisions rationally and if they make sense, then take that advice.

But if the advice makes no sense - such as the "losing custody if I speak to the OM" nonsense, it is up to you to reject it. In your case, I would have asked the lawyer for evidence [and he has none] and when he couldnt produce it, tell him you will be confronting the OM and you expect him to defend you.

Lawyers are lazy and will always attempt to take the path of least resistance. It is up to you to tell them how it will be.

You and I both know that common sense dictates that speaking to the OM will not result in your losing custody. You don't sacrifice your common sense to someone just because they are a professional something.