Thank you PB.

I'll try to complete this today and get it emailed over tonight.

LFT "Hey you OM, I want you to know that you are messing with a married woman. I love my wife. I love my family. You have no business being an interloper and causing havoc in our lives. I am going to stay strong for my wife and I will not tolerate a third party, YOU. Get the hell out NOW, and stay away. You are not wanted or needed in OUR family."

OM "Umm-mm. 'blah blah blah' 'fog fog fog' Whatever!"

All the while YOU record this on your phone. So you can prove you made NO THREATS if he tries to say you did. Tell no one you made the recording unless they were told by OM something false. Then *whip out* the recording and say "That's not what happened".

Going to the OM and making threats might not turn out well.
Going to OM and stating the facts is perfectly well within your legal rights.

Sweetie, you could complete that list in 1 hour. It's called editing. Cutting out the fat. Going to the simple form.

Confronting OM tips:

Never, never answer OM's questions about your marriage. _ "OM, my marriage is none of your damn business. Get out. And stay out." (rinse -repeat-rinse-repeat)

Never look away from him.

Never take your hands out of your pockets.

Never yell. OK to raise the volume some when you say this part. "Get the HELL OUT."

Never explain or try to justify anything you have done in your marriage. "OM - you mind your own business. Get on with your life far away from me, my WIFE, my kids. You got that? Am I making this clear?"

The trick to any confrontation is to stick to YOUR script and disallow detours.
Also, leave right away after you've said your piece.

Exactly. And taking a witness with you helps too. Another point that needs to be made is that there is no future for him with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your children and in-laws. Let him know that you will be fighting for your marriage.

No one loses their children doing this, that is ludicrous. This is something Dr Harley has recommended for years.

Have your wife and the OM been served yet?

They have not been served yet unless my lawyer completed the paperwork and sent it on to them before I was told. Lawyer is working on the papers to do so and I plan to try to get that done this week.

Your "I must not take that chance" rationale is flawed, but provides a ready-made excuse for NOT taking action.

How is it flawed?

Would anyone EVER be in favor of subjecting our children to elevated risks of disfigurement, dismemberment and possible death?

No one would consider answering "Yes" to that question.

Yet each of us does things like put our children in cars, school-buses, and planes for transportation. We do so and put safety elements in place to ameliorate the risks.

Lawyers are supposed to tell us HOW to do what we WANT to do, legally. TELL him you're planning on confronting OM, and ASK him how to do it safely.

Or not.......

NG,

I am planning to do just that. I am planning to tell lawyer that I want to do this but want to be sure how to do it while protecting my interests.

Did you read Pep's steps on confronting OM?

You are looking for excuses to avoid doing this. Of course you don't need to consult a lawyer to confront the OM, but as I have told you before, every lawyer wants to avoid conflict AT ALL COSTS. He will tell you not to do it, he will tell you not to expose, not to go into Plan B, not to do anything.

But I have already told you this.

Since we are manufacturing risks as a means to avoid conflict, how about contacting a master mechanic and asking him if confronting the OM will blow your transmission? After all, you only have one car and can't risk your car!!

GOOD GRIEF!

I think it may be this one.

Has it ever occurred to you LFH, that you have a pattern/habit in life which is to take uncomplicated tasks and complicate them?
Might this pattern/habit be one of your wife's complaints?

With all due respect to all,

This is uncomplicated to all of you because you've been through it and helped many others get through it. I have not been through it and when I'm told something like the thing with custody by a lawyer, it scares the crap out of me. Enough so to make me fight ANY idea to the contrary.

I don't know what else to say. Yes, I'm terrified that something/anything might hurt my chances to get my kids as much as possible. I'm sorry, but I'm terrified of that!

I hear what you all are saying and there is a HUGE part of me that wants to do this in hopes of saving my marriage and then I wouldn't have to worry about custody. But the mere THOUGHT of the contrary is more terrifying to me than a slow torturous death.

I'm already a basket case every night I don't have the kids now. I don't think I could handle losing any more time with them.

I hear all that is being said and it is causing me to be in tremendous conflict with what I should do. You guys and gals have been through this many times before so I know you're talking from experience.

I can't believe that I am the only person to ever be on this forum that has had this conflict. I am definitely not trying to convince you to believe or accept what I'm saying. I'm trying to accept what you're saying over what legal advice I have been given. I also understand what you say about divorce lawyers in general.

Believe me....you have definitely stressed me out with this decision.

I am very weary of the constant excuses to avoid taking simple, basic steps. This is not complicated at all; YOU are complicating a simple basic step that thousands have taken before you. You are crippling yourself with nonsensical hypotheticals and I find the excuses extremely insulting. One does not "lose custody" over confronting an affair partner. That is stupid.

No, we usually don't encounter this level of conflict avoidance. One does not have to consult a lawyer to confront an OM.

I deeply resent the excuses manufactured to avoid taking this simple step.

I resent the fact that you are wasting people's time here with this. I have very little time to spend on this board, and I resent having to endlessly debate SIMPLE, BASIC moves that thousands before you have taken. That just sucks valuable board time that could be devoted to more important things.

I am sorry I've been a burden to this forum and to everyone's time. I'm more frustrated than you are right now.

Maybe I won't waste anymore of anyone's time since my fears and concerns are irrelevant.

LFH you are very fortunate to have these vets still posting to you. You will know you are on the right path when they stop posting.

Take their advice.

Yes, they are irrelevant. And irrational. They are crippling you. It makes sense that you would get in trouble if you assaulted the OM but we are not telling you to do that. We are telling you to go speak to him. We can't help you with the big issues if you are stuck on irrational fears. That is waste of your time and ours.

Really. You need to just ACT and get this done. This is so silly to have endless discussions over a simple, basic step.

With all due respect .... I own my stress, not yours.