Thanks @BH. I already sent an Exposure e-mail along the lines of your template above. WW responded by contacting Exposure audience and justifying her actions based on a selective telling of our turbulent earlier years. This proposed 2nd e-mail is in response to a suggestion here on these pages that a follow-up to WW's tales might help...

Oh gotcha, my bad.

So you're planning on sending another letter for what?

@BH, the suggestion here was to follow up with a clarification e-mail, to counter WS's tales told in justification to Exposure audience.

All,
I'm all in my head, and haven't slept well for a few nights straight now, so please excuse the spelling/tone/grammar of what follows:

It's getting to me that WW is traipsing in and out of here, ostensibly to pick up "her" belongings and see her kids (DSS12 rather than DD7). It got to me particularly today, especially because WS arrived just as I was taking DD7 to piano lesson. WS then kept calling me from our erstwhile home, asking where this rug "of hers" was, and where that thing "of hers" was etc. I got home, and she'd even packed the umbrella stand.

So I asked her where she was taking all that stuff all of a sudden -- since only days ago she'd said she couldn't move any more belongings because she'd run out space at her various friends' places. She replied that it's none of my business, me having made her homeless. ME?! That's what she does: lay blame, and never accept responsibility. And that's when I flipped.

So I asked whether she felt she was right to still be clip-clopping around here, and then leaving to go have sex with another man. DD7 and DSS12 were within earshot, but I'm past protecting them from their mother's ill-deeds. But of course she seized on that and said I was wrong for having such a conversation in front of the children. And I hotly told her she was wrong for conducting an adulterous affair. It blew up from there.

In conversation since, DSS12 told me his mum says we have five weeks to make a decision -- because the school year has five weeks to run, and WS is intent on taking him out of the good school that he enjoys so much, and live with her where she's currently staying "where it's a bit small and there are loads of records lying around". She's describing to him OM's place -- he's a DJ. THAT MAKES MY BLOODY BLOOD BOIL WITH RAGE! SHE'S MOVING STUFF OUT OF OUR HOME -- EVEN A SILVERWARE SET THAT WAS GIVEN TO US AS A WEDDING GIFT -- INTO THIS TOE-RAG'S PARLOUR, AND PROPOSING TO MOVE DSS12 IN THERE WITH HER!!! I SHOUTED AT HER, HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF SHAME?! YOU SHOULD BE SLINKING OUT OF HERE, YOUR HEAD BOWED IN SHAME!! INSTEAD, YOU'RE STANDING THERE YELLING AT ME AND TELLING ME "OUR MARRIAGE HAD PROBLEMS FROM THREE YEARS AGO".

AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Poor DSS12 says the counsellor at his school (I'd asked the school to help keep a discreet eye on him) said that his mum would be doing things all for herself now, and not thinking of him DSS12 or others. And the tutor said that WW moving DSS12 out of such a good school in a good neighbourhood will be a silly and selfish thing to do. That's not me -- that's his tutor. (WW will have only one reply to them -- and it's of course unprintable.)

I have NEVER felt more strongly that a woman should not have a child. Thing is, Biodad doesn't really seem to want DSS12. WW does, for whatever perverse reason -- I say perverse because for the past two years she'd been conducting the affair and leaving me and the kids at home. NOW, all of a sudden, she wants her son with her.

Help me. She CANNOT take him to that guy's place. She absolutely cannot!!

You're joking, right?

You couldn't summon enough stones to prevent her leaving with your joint marital property (silverware), and you're imagining denying her custody of her (not "your") child???

I'm not sure which of my posts you're referring to. Let me know.

I think he means this one MB.

How on earth do you go to Plan B, and enforce no-contact, when WW has the pretext of repeatedly coming to pick up belongings and see children (DSS12 and DD7)?!

You change the locks and set up a drop off time with an IM or somewhere other than the home.

You box all her stuff up and put it on the front stoop.

You've read this, correct?


From here How To Plan B properly

You need to be dark so you can heal and protect your lovebank.

Do you have an IM?

You box all her stuff up and put it on the front stoop.

...and that includes her son! Sorry, dude, time to start THINKING, as opposed to EMOTING! You are HUGELY exposed to any number of spurious accusations if you (as you should) lock up your belongings for preservation from her acquisitive depredations, and have him there.

Look, the removal of his presence from your life (your presence from his life?) is only a matter of time. Better to "inflict" his disapproving persona on WW and POSOM's dream-house as early as possible.

(Here come the "How could you be so cruel to him..." responses. Let me point out that the cruelty is entirely the product of WW's drug-dependency, infidelity, and selfishness. Igiiroko's attempt to stem that [censored]-tide is only inflicting harm on himself and his situation.)

Thanks, BrainHurts and NeverGuessed.

@BH: I did change the locks -- the day after Exposure, three weeks ago. I did read the notes you presented, and the How to Plan B article as well. I have a couple of questions re that and appointing an IM, below. (My friend @NG will call them "emoting" -- not to say he'd be wrong..!)

@NG: I hear you re DSS12's removal being only a matter of time. As I was explaining to my brother -- who takes as hawkish a line as you do, btw -- I feel a duty to at least try to protect DSS12 from his mother and the trash to which she'll expose him. Especially as DSS12, already a thinker, is perceptive and courageous enough to openly stand against WW on her adultery etc. I did speak to WW's mother (my MIL) in Australia today, and it turns out WW HADN'T told her mother (why, no matter how many times I read it here, do I forget to dismiss and anticipate lies told by a WS?!). MIL was upset but not surprised, and was soon business-like: "Well, DSS12 HAS to be returned to his biodad." I agreed: "Yes, biodad, or me, or even Social Services -- anyone but WW."

Plan B:
- Does Plan B still make sense, given WW now says she totally, forever wants out?
- Seems IM needs to be fairly local, in the UK, here with us, not least to facilitate drop-offs with children. Neighbours OK? (For reasons similar to those that rule out in-laws etc, I'm wary of using neighbours...)
- I can see the merits of using a MarriageBuilders IM. How do I go about getting one?
- I have a concern that WW could make off with kids -- i.e. not return them at appointed times etc. How can this be forestalled?
- Linked to the above, I am considering shocking WW this weekend with a Plan B implementation: she arrives on Sat as she arranged with kids, to meet her stuff in bags on the stoop, a note saying where the kids are, and (separately) the PBL. My problem is being sure of DSS12's and especially the naive DD7's well-being (immediately, and in the broadest sense).
- Linked to the above, WW has A LOT of stuff left -- easily 15-20 large laundry bags -- and some in the loft, some in the garden shed, the rest all over the house. If I don't bag the lot, she'll retain the pretext of returning for more stuff, thus diluting Plan B. Bagging the lot would take many hours, time that I haven't got now, owing to heavy work pressures that have me sleep 3-4hrs a night. Is it worth the short-term sacrifices in the end? (Plus, why should I do all that donkey-work for her? She can do the labour...)
- Thanks..!

Btw, MIL said a curious(?) thing: "WW will not stay with that guy. I know her. I know what she's like."

(WW and I got together July 2002, and married May 2005.)

Btw, DSS12 has a copy of the new key: he needs it to let himself in on his return from school, on days I'm working away from home/at clients' etc. THAT messes up Plan B! (Unless IM is selected to be so local AND available that DSS12 can go to IM's on return from school etc..: messy, and (emote) unkind(?))

Igii, to expand on my concerns about DSS12 remaining under your supervision.

You are NOT legally enfranchised to provide his care. Technically, you can't feed him, give him an aspirin, put a band-aid on a boo-boo, or even drive him in a vehicle. When I say "can't", that's short-hand for "without subjecting yourself to a complaint of mis- or maltreatment by WW in an attempt at revenge". Stabbing you will seem like a kindness when she hits you with a child-endangerment complaint/lawsuit, which will take seemingly FOREVER to shake. (And let's not forget who got it up the pooper with the prior criminal case, amigo!)

Sorry, dude, the recommendation here is call whatever governmental agancy handles child protection in your jurisdiction, and explain the situation. They MAY give you some kind on emergency loco parentis standing, although THAT may very well require WW's approval. If not, DSS12 should be their problem.

Gotcha, @NG. To buttress your point, months ago I spoke to Social Services as well as a solicitor, and it was made clear that under English law I don't have PR (Parental Responsibility) for DSS12: this is when I was fighting to stop WW from sending DSS12 on a holiday to Ibiza with her dope-smoking friend and friend's dope-smoking 14yo DS14. In the event I won the battle. But I suppose now, once/if WW moves DSS12 out of my care, then she'll be free to resume that course of action. So, hey-ho: I can only do what I can. And I am acting as I would if DSS12 were my biological son..

My Plan B questions remain, though:

• Does Plan B still make sense, given WW now says she totally, forever wants out?
• DSS12 has a copy of the new key: he needs it to let himself in on his return from school, on days I'm working away from home/at clients' etc. THAT messes up Plan B! (Unless IM is selected to be so local AND available that DSS12 can go to IM's on return from school etc..: messy, and (emote) unkind(?))
• Seems IM needs to be fairly local, in the UK, here with us, not least to facilitate drop-offs with children. Neighbours OK? (For reasons similar to those that rule out in-laws etc, I'm wary of using neighbours...)
• I can see the merits of using a MarriageBuilders IM. How do I go about getting one?
• I have a concern that WW could make off with kids -- i.e. not return them at appointed times etc. How can this be forestalled?
• Linked to the above, I am considering shocking WW this weekend with a Plan B implementation: she arrives on Sat as she arranged with kids, to meet her stuff in bags on the stoop, a note saying where the kids are, and (separately) the PBL. My problem is being sure of DSS12's and especially the naive DD7's well-being (immediately, and in the broadest sense).
• Linked to the above, WW has A LOT of stuff left -- easily 15-20 large laundry bags -- and some in the loft, some in the garden shed, the rest all over the house. If I don't bag the lot, she'll retain the pretext of returning for more stuff, thus diluting Plan B. Bagging the lot would take many hours, time that I haven't got now, owing to heavy work pressures that have me sleep 3-4hrs a night. Is it worth the short-term sacrifices in the end? (Plus, why should I do all that donkey-work for her? She can do the labour...)
• DSS12's just told me that WW is actively looking for a school for DSS12 in London, so I'll end on the point on which I started: does Plan B still make sense, given WW now says she totally, forever wants out?

Thanks for pointers on each/all of these...

Plan B is to protect your lovebank and you from her abuse.

You can put out a request here on the forum for a MB IM. We recommend same sex IMs so maybe one of the fine gentlemen here on MB will volunteer.

Have to run I will come back and answer the rest.

On her not dropping off kids when she is supposed to this is what the IM will do is reiterate the conditions. Do you have a lawyer? It may be good to get a separation agreement started.

On her stuff you can have it stated in your Plan B letter what she needs to do to get her things. If she doesn't make arrangements with you through your IM then she doesn't get her things.

Have you written your Plan B letter? We have posters who remain in Plan B even after D.

Your DD7 has been told about her mom's affair, correct?

Thanks, @BH.

In Plan B, how does an IM help with kids' drop-offs? As I see it, an IM from MB would certainly have background and neutrality to be knowledgable intermediary in terms of passing messages back and forth, but surely needs to be physically close to us to facilitate children drop-offs?

I can ask solicitor about a "separation agreement" - never heard of one in the UK before. I haven't written PBL, but I like and will use the idea of including cations for WW to collect the rest of her belongings.

Back to my practicality questions: how can Plan B work while DSS12 has a key to the house - a key that WW can presumably demand and copy?

DD7 knows of WW's affair.

FORMAL REQUEST:
I NEED A PLAN B COACH (eg to answer list of questions above), AND AN IM. PLEASE SEND ME A PRIVATE OR PUBLIC MESSAGE TO ARRANGE. THANK YOU.

The drop offs can be done at neutral sites like your parents. Since your kids are older they can still be dropped off at the house but you would stay in the house and not have contact with WW the kids would go out to her.

The IM is for communication about kids and finances used as a filter for the BS.

Did you read the IM training link I posted?