dec,

I cannot held but get the impression that you are trickle truthing us and perhaps setting up justification for your own affair-risky behaviours and activities. You've made it clear you are starting to have interest in other women, seem resentful of your wife's sexual past before marriage, and being fit while engaging into recreational activities with other women without your wife.

Regardless of what she is doing (and others are addressing that), I say a full STOP to such risky behaviours that you are conducting because it takes your focus of what it should be, your marriage.

Being married 20 years and then getting in shape and then spending time with other women (or men), it's a very typical formula of waywards, leading to divorce and subsequent terrible relationships because it's jumping out of the pan and into the fire.

If you use MB, you can get through this 'stale' and resentful period together, rather than do behaviours where you grow apart and enter 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th) marriages that are nowhere near as fulfilling as a wel-bonded 1st marriage would have been.

OK.

The activities you are describing is a very important emotional need. Doing fun things together, We call it Recreational Companionship, or 'being together when you are happiest'

If you do these things with other women, your wife will be compared to them unfavourably.

You need to spend 15 hours plus a week alone in each others company meeting each others top needs. It sounds like admiration and RC are two of yours. If she met these needs I am sure you would be delighted.

What are your wife's needs?

Read the concepts Pep posted and come back for more guidance.

I would agree with this too.

I think though the potential EAs on his side are a pressing concern.

He is getting drunk on the attention and admiration from these OW and we cant help a drunk person drive their marriage back on track.

1)Cut out the flirting with OW.

2)Find out the truth of what happened.

3)Take necessary measures to affair proof the marriage

4)Then get going on creating a romantic marriage par excellence

I really do not think there is more to the story for my wife. I have no guaranties but this x lover is in another state. Also the messages I saw and there were few sure seemed that they had not communicated for 25 years. I think this is why my wife debated for 5 months before connecting with him. I explained to her the visions i now have front and center (jealousy) of their times together. I did explain to her how vivid male visions can be and how disturbing it can also be.

Dec, you have to quit all this 'I think' and 'I want' business, unless you are only interested in following your own opinion. Your own opinion of good marriage policies isnt working, is it?

You're on the marriagebuilders website. Presumably to learn about Dr Harley's concepts.

Your views are way below MB standards. If you want to learn how to raise the standards in your marriage, then you're in the right place.

Dr Harley has created successful marriages for thousands of people. He knows how. You do not.



Dr H would say it very possible to fall in love online. Sexual interaction is also possible online. When that happens the AP is only a plane ride away.

And as for 'guarantees' you should ensure there ARE guarantees in your marriage. MBers do not trust - they verify. They accept that everyone can be foolish around the opposite sex sometimes, as you yourself have been. They require openness and proof.

Is she willing to show you the messages between them? Were they deleted?

Snooping tools would verify matters for you, but you need to clean up your own act first.

Dec,

You just described images of a reality that did not happen. You should be thanking your lucky stars that that is exactly where those images stop, your head. Now think about your wife, do you want to put those images or worse off realities in her head?

You are in a great spot to stop a disaster and start rebuilding your marriage. I am jealous of YOU! You want to know my reality? I had an A. There are a million reasons; jealousy and lack of trust being two big ones. These however do not excuse the choice I made that destroyed my family. See thus choice I made to feel, what was the word you used earlier "fufilled" led to my H leaving me having his own RA, his parents hating me, my children disappointed in me, almost losing the job I love, ripping my Hs heart out, him turning around and ripping mine out, and a bunch of regret all around.

I'm so glad you came here because this could very easily become your reality if you are not careful. Please be so very thankful that your thoughts are not your realities.

I agree with the fine words in most of your post, 15Y but this stuck out at me. Jealousy is a normal reaction to threats in marriage and MBers do not trust, they verify. A lack of trust can be a good thing. Sorry to T/J.

The messages were not deleted. The time was was verified and it all coordinated. Even his email to her personal account after defriending him about he wanting to stay in touch but if not he would understand. I believe I caught this which could have gone ballistic. I did my research on him. Asked my wife many many more questions anouilh what they had together etc. why she did agree to reconnect was just curiosity she says. I think it was certainly that but she assures me nothing else. She wanted to brag to him in a way of what she does have she said. It is believable but I think this eas a bomb on the making and I only stumbled upon it.

OK, so you have done some work to verify, which is very MB.

I agree with your assessment too that she was 'looking to brag' but unfortunately that equated to playing with fire. Sounds as if you did stop something in its tracks.

So my original question remains,

Are you wanting to implement MB policies into your marriage, affair-proof it and get both your lovebanks up to a high level?

To sum up, Dec you dont like your feelings being ignored and dont like being lied to.

Now you feel hard done by, like she doesnt deserve your fidelity and the control youve exercised towards women in the past.

Your taker wants you to indulge like she did

For YOU to ignore her feelings about OW and line up circumstances which will see HER lied to.

But if you implement MB, you wont feel this way anymore.

If your wife takes action to improve boundaries and she meets your needs and doesnt make decisions without considering you....

...wouldnt all your resentment go away?

Indie,

I agree with you completely on not blindly trusting your spouse but not being able to trust them at all and letting jealously consume you are both crippling to a marriage. In rereading my post I can see how that came across to you and in all honesty I think I am trying to tie in my own situation a little too much with Des's. I just really don't want him to make the same mistakes that I did.

This is extremely dangerous to your marriage. I do not get the impression that you understand the importance of having strong boundaries, and you are placing yourself and your marriage in harm's way. You need to pursue all-male activities or involve your wife in the ones you currently pursue.

Being in another state means nothing. I just closed a transaction on the sale of a house owned by a husband and wife (with four or five kids.) As it turns out, the wife hooked up with an old college boyfriend ON FACEBOOK and began a long-distance affair. Their home was sold because she divorced her husband, left their five kids with him and moved six states away to live with her OM.

She's wrangling to get the kids to visit over their summer vacation, because 'they'll just love OM'

What kind of mother would do such a thing? An addicted wayward. She was an 'excellent' mother - and then she hooked up with OM and it went south from there.

Another state, heh, my mom's OM from Facebook lived in Morocco. She divorced my dad and married Morocco OM 3 weeks later. 32 year marriage.

Waywards live in fantasy world. Internet is even 'better' fantasy, because you can just click X when you want to go back to real life.

Yes. I have much to decide, and learn. In a perfect world, it would be wonderful to take everything I have, shelf it, and look at the world with a much broader vision. Not that I would tramp around, cause in fact it may not be mentally possible for me to do that. On the other hand, have I forgone too much in life already, does my wife have more connectivity, chemistry, attraction, to or for some of her other former lovers, would she find more happiness and a much more fulfilling life with someone other than me, or will I. Have we been treading water for too long and our parting of ways is 'best case' scenario, etc?

Again, it is now about 1 years time, things have changed so much between us. Her comments, attention, desires, way different, and my views, attitude, and physical condition, etc. We have had very serious discussions, and she says she does not want to lose me. I say the same to her. I also say, however, that I don't want this 'dream' of the last year to end in 2 years, 5 years or what have you, with her hating me. Her doing things now that she dislikes, could care less about, etc. only to realize that in another 5 years this event for us should have been a tell-tale sign of something we should have acknowledged between us years ago. We started out in our late 20s and started a family pronto. My career and her activities then being separate and never really merging. She became vary active in church, neighborhood, school and kids, me with my career and being a provider. Myself never taking time to explore other personalities and friendships in any detail either. Anyway, I'm again just venting cause many many things seem to be running in very different directions for me, and us.

How much UA time are you getting?

When you are getting your UA time are you meeting the 4 top EN?

What MB plans are you following?

This is why Dr H says there must be NC between ex/past lovers for life. Loving someone triggers brain chemistry that acts as an addiction. Contact, even many years later will trigger the brain to create the high the OM gave WW. All addicts when give a taste of the high need and want to repeatedly get high from the source of their addiction.

The source for your WW is this OM. Your WW has been having an EA, emotional affair with this past OM. He worked your WW till she friended him. If you had not discovered what the OM was up to the OM would of kept working up your WW till he had your WW's panties down on the floor.

This EA would of become a PA.

This is why what the OM did is known as fishing and trolling wish is just another form of fishing and a much better term for what the OM was doing to your WW. He was slowly working her. Patiently working her to rekindle the addiction.

Last to add is when you now find yourself talking up the hot ones is you taking the 1st step down Affair Road.

If two people are committed to doing the work, and not looking elsewhere for needs, the MB plan will ALWAYS work.

If the two of you are sitting around waiting for a magic Cupids arrow to strike you, it will not.

You need to be wooing each other like you did when dating and blocking other people from stealing your happiness.

Are you interested in trying MB or are you here to blog?