I don't know what I want or what I need, or what I should have in life now and don't or have in life now and don't appreciate. And that kind of dialogue can go on for some time. I'll lay back here and read other threads for now and see. I cannot simply disconnect from my wife for a time, and check out my other feelings; that cannot work for me I do realize I either need to again commit to make it work, or realize we should conclude things.

Since you're having a difficult time in taking our advice. How about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Dec, you're married and that takes active care and commitment. You can feel safe and in love if you DO something towards that goal.

Yes your wife showed poor boundaries, but that's a problem you both share. You have woeful boundaries too. Be grateful for this wake up call.

Problems can be fixed.

Check out the success stories in Notable Posts.

And please block access from OW who are boosting your lovebank. Cease all activities with them.

Be honest with your wife about the flattery and flirting. Show a good example where honesty is concerned.

Thank you for your suggestion. I will consider it.

Thank you. I have gone back to this statement several times. This event for me has been quite challenging from many different perspectives: Christian, family, moral, masculine, sexual, integrity, to name a few. Your statement resonate what I hoped was supposed to be the case, but doesn't find much concurrence among the general population. Again, thank you, such statement does make a difference.

An update. I have scheduled some appointment time with Steve Harley to get his input on 'my' issues.

As I mentioned this thing keeps popping up for me when I get other questions that I need answered, and it affects our marriage. Here is a email response from my wife after we again talked about us, where we are, where we are going, what has happened, etc.

I don't doubt this either.....


"I am yours forever, and I mean that with all my love and my heart and soul. I only hope that you (we) can continue to work through the roller coaster of emotions that I have caused in our marriage. I promise to NEVER, EVER do anything to compromise our relationship again. I was so stupid and I wish more than anything that I could undo what I so selfishly and thoughtlessly did on Facebook, and especially undo my past before we met. I can�t type anymore because I am starting to get emotional and I don�t want to do that here. I love you, forever and always."

Thats a great heart felt letter .. but I would still verify. Good job on the phone session coming up! I am sure you will find it very rewarding and productive.

MNG

Everyone here has been patiently giving you great advice and counsel, which you have not addressed. You have evaded most of their questions. You are hung up on what your wife did but do not recognize that it takes two to set a stage in a marriage that allows these things to take place, that's why BOTH of you need to take precautions and do what you need to do to make your marriage all you desire it to be.

You are so fortunate that this stopped where it did and that she wants you and wants to save the marriage...many of us never got that option.

If you decide to end this marriage or flirt with danger, you will surely regret it. Some steps, once you take them, cannot be redone.

I am glad you will have a session w/SH, I hope he can get through to you, several here have tried but you have been resistant.

I think it's high time you forgive your wife and instead of hanging on to your superior attitude, recognize that you are no better than your wife in what you are doing. It's time to quit playing the blame game, in which no one wins, and do what you need to do to make your marriage be all that it can be.

kaycstamper... because I do not simply respond to every opinion or comment or suggestion that is made to me, doesn't mean they haven't been considered.

My wife debated over 5 months on whether to bring one of her x lovers back into her life versus her knowing understanding of how I feel about those men, and I ended up coming in 2nd.... also known as the 1st place loser. This has been an eye awakening experience. It like the picture window always had on side blinded, and now I see the big picture. I had always looked at our marriage as to what we had, and now additionally look at is as to what it doesn't have and maybe will never have. These are matters we have now talked about with each other. Obviously the letter I recently posted from my wife was prompted by mutual dialogue between us. So that you know your opinion of 'superior attitude' is misplaced, the following was my response to her....

You do know it really was not your past. I knew your past and accepted it. What I didn�t know is that it would surface in the fashions that it did, most recently with the FB matter. I maybe naively thought they were in the past and should/would remain there, technology, high school reunions, happenstance, what-have-you, changed all that. If I would have been different too, not fatter, smoking, etc. that would have changed things.
I continue to fight for a lot of things and have fought for a lot of things in my life. Certain things though, I am not inclined to fight for, and realize that if you have to fight for them, maybe they are not worth having in the first place. I don�t think fighting for a friendship is worth it, or buying a friendship is worth it. Before you became my wife you were my friend. I did write you a letter after I realized I was fighting for your friendship with other men, and told you that I would not do that and retreated. I still feel that I do not want to do that. Although I will do what I can to protect and shield what I do have � you- I will not fight for you if you want to do something else with somebody else. I�ll try and always be your knight in shining armor, but you have to be on my horse, not someone else�s. You can easily translate that too, by using motorcycle lingo J

Let us know what Steve says.

Wife now scheduled for tomorrow......

To talk to Steve?

yes

Oh, and I was this morning.....

What did Steve tell you?

I'm a wonderful man, and I should have dumped her years ago......

No, his approach is to now talk to her, and ask her to talk to me about some things (?). However, before she does talk to me about those 'things', he wants to talk to me again; I assume to preface the discussion between my wife and me.

Generally we are not fully coordinated, I'm a martyr, we appear very compatible but she makes some bad choices, and I cannot always make things black and white.

Would she post here?

She thinks we can work through our issues. I told her after my conference with Steve Harley though that I did it, and what he suggested. Since she knew Dr. Dobson has also referenced Marriage Builders and Dr. Harley, she agreed to the session with Steve Harley after I mentioned how he also seemed to hit some points pretty succinctly. However, she is not one to generally air our situation to strangers (anonymously or otherwise)in a forum to receive on occasion some less than professional blunt comments regardless of how well intention they may be. I will mention it to her though.

I agree w/what SH said. I'm just saying, if you come across sounding high horse to me, you may come across sounding that way to her too, which will make your M hard to put back together (call it martyrdom if you will, to me very similar). You have been toying with infidelity yourself, how does that make you any better than her? You act like she let you down so much but you are doing the same thing, walking in w/your eyes wide open. I have read this entire thread and over and over and over people give you great advice and you don't respond. If you're thinking about it, it hasn't come through your statements, instead you just keep repeating what your wife did wrong. It's time to decide if you want to save your M or not. If so, then move on to what you can do to make it better instead of focusing so much on how wronged you are. You have wronged her too! And stop meeting w/other women and letting them fulfill your needs! You're crushing for an A and you've been warned. I hope SH can get through to you before it goes any further. We have to get you and your wife on the same page and both working in the same direction...to make your M the best it can be! It sounds like you have a great wife that loves you. Yes she let you down, and in your eyes that was no small thing, I get that. But you either throw it all away, which I think would be a big mistake, because it's salvageable, or you work on it. In order to move forward with her, you need to forgive her...can you do that? That doesn't mean you excuse it or think it was right, it wasn't. It means letting go of it.

I agree w/what SH said. .

I appreciate your statement and opinion . However many can create opinions and otherwise with little information as to background, career, trauma, or pain . You have no knowledge of what I disclosed to S Harley yet you agree with him? As I have mentioned before. I have taken all opinions and comments into consideration. Thank you for yours.