Also, I did not follow MB very well on Saturday.

My 13DD was throwing around DJ's all over the place, and I was trying to instruct her on her attitude. She did not receive my instruction well, and the DJ's went back and forth between my 10DS and 13DD all morning between soccer games. My H threw in a few as well, and I kept my cool.

I just calmly pointed them out to the kids (and sometimes my H), and showed them how to point out the behavior and just state their feelings.

I was doing pretty well until that evening when my daughter offered me a piece of chocolate, and my H said something like, "thanks a lot. Like she really needs that."

That was it for me! I had had it!

I told them that they were throwing DJ's around like darts, and I was tired of it! My H had also made a few very disrespectful comments regarding my son while he was playing his soccer game, and I was already defensive about that. I was so tired of the hurtful words.

So I joined in.

Ugh.

I let my H have it. I told him how disrespectful he had been, and I can't even remember all I said (another reason I'd love for him to post here).

I basically had an AO and threw in a couple of DJs for good measure.

The next morning he apologized, and I apologized (new record! It normally would have lasted 3 days.) He said he couldn't take back all the things he said, but he was sorry for hurting me. And I asked him about the chocolate comment, and he said he did it out of fear. He doesn't want a fat wife, and he knows I struggle with eating stuff like that. (I am not fat, but I'm not a Juniors size 2 anymore..more like a woman's 4). He has also noticed me being on a chocolate binge (a serious one) in the last few weeks, so I can understand his fear. I am getting balanced again.

Anyway, I was disappointed in my reaction. I have created this atmosphere with my H, and it is going to take a while to recreate it.

And here we are having a new baby. New stressor! We were trying to get pregnant which may sound crazy to you. It was just time. And I know my H loves me and wants to do what is best for his family. Plus God told me to move forward with the pregnancy.

I mentioned the affair recovery program at church, and H didn't say no outright (remember we never fully exposed). I would love it if we could do that. I asked him if it made him angry that I needed it, and he said he was disappointed and never enjoys these types of conversations since it just puts a knife in him everytime.

Maybe he has some healing to do as well.

Oh, to do it right the first time!

((((((((((Anointed))))))))))

Anything he can do to compensate for his affair, he should do it! It sounds like he wanted it swept under the rug. Did you read the post about the car on here? One lady had an issue with their car her husband took a woman out in. Dr. H told them, "Whatever it takes to help your spouse recover from your affair, do it! Sell the car!" She posted, then they were on the radio, too.

I'll try to find it and post it here...I'm not very good at digging things out but I'll try.

Long and short, if an affair recovery class would help you (if it's consistent w. MB principles), then he should really consider it.

Remember, it's your H's responsibility to make your marriage a SAFE and CARING place for you!

(Yes, it's yours to make it safe & caring for him...sounds like you are doing JUST THAT! Nice work!)

Congratulations on the good news!

UA and FC time doesn't always just happen. How about planning some things to look forward to, and get a sitter?

Keep going, Anointed - it does take some time to establish new habits. You've both had quite a while to work in a parallel fashion.

It has been 10 years since his last adultery...I can fully understand why he feels disappointed. You need to work on your side of the fence. it is a bad DJ to continuosly beat him up about his adultery. He is likely losing quite a bit of love with that DJ.

My suggestion is to determine what you need in order to never bring up his adultery ever again.

If exposure or lack of it is keeping you stuck for 10 years then please solve that issue immediately, &never discuss his adultery again.

Please look at upping your UA time 20+ hours because you both are losing love for each other.

Thanks Zhamila,

I was telling my mom last night that any compensation I have needed for his affair was enforced by me. He was "willing" to do whatever it took, but when it came down to it, I made him. He quit his job but it took 4 months (he was still in a fog), I put an internet filter on our computer (which totally made him mad, but now he is glad), I cut off ties with inappropriate female friendships (he was still foggy), and when I've mentioned wanting to travel with him he has been unwilling.

It would be nice to feel understood.

Thanks, NED.

I will see if he will sit down and schedule time with me. Last night we had plans to do our Bible study together but he had to work.

We did spend about an hour UA working out though.

Thank you maritalbliss.

I know changes are happening, but they can be so small they are hard to see sometimes.

I know we can do this.

And I have no doubt that we both want a happy and respectful home.

Thanks PrayIncessantly.

I guess I'm wondering how to not EVER bring it up again. I don't discuss it with him unless I have a question (i.e. "Oh, you are going to lunch for work? Who will be going with you?")

I don't discuss the actual affair with him. Just boundaries or if I have concerns.

The only reason it came up this time was because we haven't been transparent with people about it, and I have realized I have some work to do. I am not going to go to a small group about surviving an affair without his permission since it would affect him with people knowing.

I don't see how to get around that, and I thought I was being respectful of his wishes.

I do not beat him up.

In fact, I may have tiptoed around a little too much or I wouldn't be in my current mess.

(I did, however, beat the crap out of him in the early years of our recovery.)

I am all for upping our UA time.

I will discuss it with him.

((((((((((Anointed)))))))))))



I am sure you both want happiness. The challenge may be the different philosophies you and your H have about how to make that happen.

In my marriage, my H's idea of happy was "Don't ever complain about anything. Then I'll be happy."

My idea of happy is "Never do anything you unless you and your spouse are in enthusiastic agreement about it." and "Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future."

So, I wanted consideration and honesty. He wanted "no trouble."

His version would make him happy, and me VERY unhappy.

My version may be hard to understand/see the benefit of at first, but would make us both happy (eventually).

It's kind of a long-term v. short-term thing. I think your H needs to get on board with a different philosophy. I think the one he's got isn't working for you.

Love, Zhamila

This concerns me, Anointed. If you are uncomfortable when he travels, please be honest with him about it. Either he doesn't go, or you go with him - find a solution you are both comfortable with.

I wonder if sometimes your DJs & AOs come from trying to hold in your feelings until they spill over? You are trying so hard to see the good in others, and overlook the bad...but the pressure of trying to change your feelings is too much, and you are overcome with emotion.

Your feelings matter! In fact, if you try to push them down, they will come out somewhere else: an AO about something totally unrelated, a DJ to your children, or (heaven forbid) a revenge affair.

It is time to be honest with yourself.

It is time to be honest with your H.

You are hurting. Please tell him. If he is not willing to hear you, understand you, listen - then call SH yourself and get some guidance.

I remember my H getting really angry that I wrote Dr. H. He was livid! I mentioned this on the radio, and Dr. H told me that seeking help for your marriage can be done unilaterally - since it's a health/safety issue. Women especially can get sick if they are heartbroken.

Seriously, we are in week 3 of coaching with SH after a YEAR and a HALF of PAIN. And things are already WAY WAY WAY BETTER!!!

You can have joy with your H again - the pain can disappear so quickly! Please consider it?




Sheesh...I sound like a commercial. But all I can say is WOW!

Hi Anointed. How are you doing?

I hope things are going well, and you have no reason to write because your marriage is wonderful!!

(prayers & hugs)

Anointed, where are you? I miss ya and hope you are doing alright.

Popping in real quick for Zhamila. Thanks for checking on me. Been VERY sick with this pregnancy and very miserable, so not doing much of ANYTHING. No reading, just existing. Hoping it will let up soon, but I am only 10 weeks.

Just letting you know I'm alive, Zhamila.

Thanks!

Hope you feel better soon!

At risk of being a "post stalker" I just wanted to say Hi to you and hope you're feeling better by now.

Is "Post-Pest" an accurate description?

Hi Zhamila!! You are funny.

I am almost 15 weeks, and I think I'm finally starting to feel better. I've been feeling bad (i.e. HORRIBLE) for over 2 months and have really gotten in the habit of withdrawing at night once my husband gets home. He complained that I was always on the laptop or ipad at night. I knew this was true but just felt so bad. I just wanted to be distracted without making any effort.

Now that I'm feeling better, I would like to change my focus back to the marriage. I stopped working out with him due to sickness but I would make myself go for walks with him after he would get home around 10pm. 30 minute walks helped but didn't meet the UA time we needed. I also only met his SF needs about 1X per week, sometimes 2.

We have been missing each other.

We also go to a Bible study together once a week without the children but have very little time to discuss things on our own.

Both of our older children were staying with family last night, so we went on a date with our 2 yr old in tow. It was nice but we crashed as soon as we got home.

Our intentions are for each other, but I need to make a plan to get back on track. We have never sat down and planned 15 hrs of UA together, so I guess I will do that myself.

I think my DH feels I hear his complaints better now, but I think I'd like to try repeating what I'm hearing him say. I've never gotten into that habit, and I'd like to try. He also hears me better when I point out any DJs. All I said this last time was, "I'd appreciate it if you would only state the facts rather than add your opinion as to why {so and so} did that." He just stated a fact. I acknowledged his complaint. End of story.

That was nice.

I find that I notice SD, DJ, AO when I look around in other relationships, and I can see what needs to be corrected. It is not as easy to see our relationship when I am entrenched in it. I wish I could seperate my feelings from the situation so I can just identify "he's making a complaint" rather than fighting urges to be defensive.

Last night I said, "I know you are making a complaint, but it feels unpleasant." This is something I may need to address in myself only. If he makes a complaint, does it mean something about me...does it mean he doesn't love me? What am I believing when he complains?

He gets to complain, and he gets to be heard...just as I do. I don't want to feel threatened at his complaint. I will look harder at this within myself.

Part of it may be that I hate hearing negativity from him so much of the time. He may be thinking positive things about certain things, but he usually chooses to share what he is frustrated about on most subjects. I'd like to hear good things. Words of affirmation are HUGE for me.

He tries to encourage me. I guess his complaints discourage me on top of all the issues in the world that bother him (politics, neighborhood, leadership, etc.)

Don't know what this post is to accomplish besides to update.

Things to do:
1) make a plan for UA
2) engage with family again
3) figure out what I believe about myself when DH complains

Glad you're back Anointed! Thanks for the update.

Can someone make a selfish demand without saying it verbally?

I may be DJing here, so I'd appreciate some input.

There were 2 things my DH wanted done today, and he mentioned them to me. Trim the bushes and vaccuum up the little spiders in the corners of the livingroom.

He mentioned them, and I didn't say yes exactly because I have my own list of to do's for today.

If he continues to mention them instead of just taking care of them himself, is it a demand?

I said, "How about I say no to the spiders outright because now I'm just annoyed by it."

He said fine. But later on I said you still love me right? He said yes, but "I'd love you more if you'd vaccuum the spiders."

Why did this annoy me so much? I did vaccuum the spiders (it's not like it was hard), and he already trimmed the bushes.

I'm just annoyed with him today because I have so much to do, and it feels like his stuff is priority. I think he feels that since I'm home all day with the kids that maybe I should have all my stuff done anyway and since he only has the weekend to get his stuff done that he needs to do that.

I'll ask him.

Also, he came home from working out and said,"What's for dinner?" He asked me that before he left to work out and I said, "I don't know. My go to meal is spaghetti, and you don't like that." If he keeps asking me instead of dealing with it himself when he can see I'm not enthusiastic, is it a demand?

I feel like he circles me asking questions til he gets the response he wants. That is a DJ.

I'm frustrated.

I also know that this:


and this:


are DJ's.

Disrespectful judgements are just hollow reasons to get upset about something that may not even be true! So am I just making myself upset because I'm not asking qualifying questions?

I think so.

Still frustrated though.