Thanks BH, I needed some time out before I could help others. I'm really happy ... male bulldog lawyer is what I need to deal with a hardened wayward.

Happy, glad to hear that you have a bulldog lawyer this time around.

Did you respond to the lawyer's letter? I wouldn't.

Your WH is quite typical. And I would say that your exposure was much more effective than you previously thought. That is a good thing, and you should pat yourself on the back.

Take care of yourself. We'll always be here.

Scotty, haven't responded to lawyers letter re exposure. My lawyer's attitude was if it's adultery call it adultery

After no response to exposure (other than Isildur & PEGI) it's good to know it was more effective than I thought. I'm glad it is still making them uncomfortable.

Now for the update:

DS7 had his 7th birthday on Wednesday and we had an awesome day. DS7 chose the menu and we made his ninja cake the day before his birthday. He had a great day and thanked me a few times and told me he "not only loved me the most in the family but in the whole world" He is such an amazing boy he enjoys life and receives so much pleasure from sometimes the simplest things. His love gives me the strength I need to draw upon.

Its such a shame Isildur has chosen his path and could not share his son's birthday. As hard as it was personally (no husband/father) I drew on whatever inner strength I had and made sure DS7's birthday was the best it could possibly be. He had a great day and it was wonderful to see him having fun.

I still find myself missing my husband, our family and life. I still love him. I don't think about what he is doing or thinking etc, I just really miss him. I see the impact on my children and it is heartbreaking. I resent the devastation his A has caused.

Last weekend was really difficult, Isildur and PEGI flew to the city where we lived prior to relocating May 2011. I knew about this trip before going dark, courtesy of an email to our conveyancing lawyer he cc'd to me. I struggled knowing they were in our "home town", of all the places he had to take POSOW. This was where we relocated 7yrs ago for family and lifestyle (from Australia). There is a huge emotional connection with the place. PEGI obviously needs to walk over "my turf" and create new memories or try to sever connections/bonds/memories he may have.

I hit a low point but managed to pull myself out. I took DS7 to the beach for an icecream. We drew in the sand, played games, walked over the rocks and looked in rock pools. We had lots of fun and a great afternoon.

Today has also been a huge struggle. Isildur and PEGI have taken my 3 children to a restaurant for DS7's birthday. DS19 is staying the night for his brother's sake (doesn't like to visit) It's really painful knowing POSOW is playing happy families, celebrating my son's brthday with my husband and children. I envy the US laws that prevent contact with AP. My lawyer even stated how poor our laws are in this regard given the experts (pyschologists etc) profess the negative impact contact with AP has on children.

I've tried to treat myself - morning workout, painted my nails, nice dinner & a couple of glasses of wine, chocolate treat and a good movie. I am really trying but it sucks - I've cried, sang loudly and danced around the living room.

I know I have to make every opportunity for my personal recovery. It has possibly been challenging given my friends and support network are in our former "home town" but I need to move forward and focus on my interests.

I've given thought to development projects (cosmetic house renovations for resale) to make some money and satisfy a passion for interior design and real estate. I've done this in the past and would like to revisit this when I am in a position financially. It would give me an interest, keep me busy and hopefully provide an income.

Happy, I remember doing all three at the same time at some stages of my recovery! I must have looked like a woman possessed and can laugh about it now.

Well done on being so nice to yourself. These Plan B treats sound fab.

This sounds brilliant for Plan B.

I've been considering doing a short interior design course, as I have no clue and am worried my house is going to be "ecclectic" (sp?) at the very least with all of the knick-knacks I have collected during travelling.

Hmmm, if you have a talent for this, maybe I should be getting advice off you, lol!

Keep dancing happy. BTW, what colour are the nails?

Wow what a special little guy. to you, my friend.

Cara, just as well I did this at night with the curtains closed, we have lots of floor to ceiling windows, great for the harbour views but not so good for my lovely neighbours

I'm actually re reading my course notes for an interior design course I did years ago. I looked at the real estate website last night, even though I'm not in a position financially to buy a DIY it made me feel good just researching the possibilities.

If your interested and it would help with your new house seriously consider a short course. This goes against the principles & elements of interior design, but given what we have been thrown in life - just decorate and go with what makes you happy. This is the time to create the environment you want with your style. Just enjoy, besides the little things such as accessories are easy and not as expensive to change.

I am so proud of DS7, he is a wonderful caring boy. He is so perceptive, for a little boy just turned 7. His thinking and take on the situation is amazing. I really try hard to be positive around him, he picks up on my emotions and can tell if I am sad from my voice and looking at my face.

On a positive, he has learned some valuable life skills. He sometimes asks me if I would I like to talk about anything that makes me feel sad or worried (it's good to know I've made him feel comfortable to talk when he wants to and he is applying this to help others)

He asked to see his counsellor (organisation that specialises in children experiencing change, loss & grief throught separation, divorce & death - visits as needed) after a visit cancelled by isildur and stated he didn't know why people were worried/didn't talk to someone.

I was so worried about the negative impact of adultery, abandonment and being exposed to PEGI, but I know although he loves and misses his father, he can see at his young age that adultery is wrong. He has told me that dad has broken his promise. He asked me if I would remarry and when I told him no I was still married to dad, he said good you are not breaking your promise.

He not only gives me the strength to survive but reinforces the benefits for my children in being a positive role model and standing for my marriage and family whislt retaining my dignity, self respect and integrity.

Thanks for the advice happy. Actually, I am looking forward to decorating a home with total IB. No sheds allowed

I am into photography, and during travels have taken some photos I am proud of. I can't look through these pics myself as there are just too many triggers, but my IM offered to go through and save the pics I describe (I have thousands!) onto a disc so I can avoid the worst of the triggers. My dream of having a house with my photos on the walls, YAY.

Sorry for the TJ, but sometimes distraction from our own sitches helps.

He sounds wonderful happy. Be proud of yourself and your parenting.

I had a friend refer to my difficulties and anxiety over property settlement.. "Caracal, at the end day, regardless of the outcome, you have your integrity. And THAT is priceless".

Your DS is a reflection of YOU. Cause integrity is a word that does not belong in any wayward dictionary.

Cara, I don't consider it a t/j. I actually enjoy anything to do with interior design, renovation and real estate. I really enjoy Grand Designs, Renovation Man & Build a New Life in the country it fuels my passion and is a welcome distraction - alot healthier (calories etc) than my "treats" tonight.

I think that is a great idea having your IM check through your photos whilst they are triggers. Its great to have your photos displayed as artwork.

Thanks for your kind words about DS7, its so easy to focus on the negatives of adultery b/c you worry about the negative impact on your children. As I've come to realise there are some positives - lifeskills and the strengthened relationship I have with him. He knows he will always be my priority and he has love, security and stability with me whilst Isildur is wayward.

Happy, I have asked the mods to send you my email addy.

I'd love to keep in touch IRL, but don't feel obligated.

I also used to watch Grand Designs and Build a New Life... I don't anywmore. Anything that I used to do as a RA with Gollum I have thrown out.

But I do google a lot of interior design tips.

I get that you wish your kids had not been exposed to this. He77, I wish I hadn't. but there is part of me that now sees how much of a wiser and stronger person I am as a result. I know I am a better person than I was, even if I wish I had not had to grow as a result of adultery. I am glad you are seeing that your kids will be okay, and maybe wiser and stronger as a result, even though they should not have had to experience this.

I love the quote I read on here... "wisdom is nothing but healed pain".

If you keep leading by example happy, your kids will learn how to avoid adultery. A lesson I wish I had learned before it happened to me. Teach them MB.

Cara, I'm happy to exchange email addy.

I understand how you feel about watching those shows. Grand Designs was my favourite and I have some of the series on DVD. I recorded some shows but haven't been able to watch them yet ... hard watching people realising their dreams when our 12acre section (vacant land) is waiting for our dream home (plans drawn) to be built. It was our sea change and reason for relocating from OZ for family and lifestyle. It is the most beautiful place in the world and we have such lovely neighbours who have become good friends.

I think that it the key to survival, you have to focus on the positives. I agree MB principles is probably the most important gift I can give my children. It will prepare them for a happy relationship and life.

My boys arrived home 10 am this morning, earlier than expected, but that was great.

Isildur who is currently living 40-45mins from family home drove them into the CBD to a taxi stand so they could get a taxi from the city to our home. Nice gesture given it was a wet, windy cold day. DS19 told me 'they had things on" DS7 told me "dad didn't want to waste his fuel driving them home" and later, he said he thought they were going to the gym.

Normal behaviour would ensure your drove your children home with enough time to travel wherever you were going. Wayward behaviour ... who can figure???? Isildur seems unable to come anywhere near our family home, maybe its easier to continue on his path of destruction (A & intentional defaulting) if he avoids the family home, he doesn't have to face his actions if he avoids seeing our home.

This hardened wayward behaviour is the complete opposite of his behaviour pre A. He never thought anything about driving the children distances for school, recreational or social events prior to the A. Amazing their foggy brain doesn't allow them to see the damage their words can have ... wasting fuel driving your sons home??? Who would say that to their son - a wayward. The taxi would have cost him more than the fuel

DS19 used the change to order us pizza for lunch .... thank you Isildur! even though it wasn't really a good pizza, somehow it tasted very "good" to us

happy, great to hear the updates! Your son sounds wonderful and you're doing a great job meeting his needs during such difficult transitions. I'm glad the counseling is working well...I'm thinking about it for my little fellow and it's good to hear it's working for someone else.

That is horrible you can't keep PEGI away from your children. At this point, I haven't had to deal with it, but I have a feeling it would be hard to get it court ordered, even here in Florida. I loathe the idea of it, though, having had to go through it with my girls, that was horrible, and she became their step-mom! I think in a way now that they are older, and have more perspective on everything, it helps them to see that how a person treats you to your face and how a person treats you otherwise (as in, by breaking up your family) are sometimes two different things. It's a sad lesson for them to learn so young.

Keep taking care of yourself!

Feeling sad today, I thought I'd post now rather than after climbing up the hill, like I normally would.

I know I have to go through these emotions I can't move around them but I'd really like to be at the point where it no longer hurts.

I've tried to focus on the positives, such as the life skills my children have learned from this experience, the extra one on one time with DS7 and how our bond has been strengthened by this experience.

He is an amazing little guy and when the pain feels intense and I wonder how I can get through this, I look at or think of my children, in particular DS7 and draw on inner strength.

I know that although each day is a strugle (I still cry tears) I know I grow stronger each day and one step closer to personal recovery. I'm sure the pain is a combination of withdrawal and grieving the loss of my marriage. It has been hard to accept, that my marriage has ended, he has chosen another path and is an addicted, hardened wayward.

I know it is impossible while the A is still active, but I find it frustrating that I cannot save/rebuild my marriage. I can see Pegi so clearly, it's frustrating he lacks the clarity and that I cannot educate his wayward brain.

It's also frustrating others can see this, but my inlaws cannot. I suppose if they acknowledge PEGI is a gold digger then they would have to face their son's behaviour - denial and conflict avoidance is an easier option for them.

With the benefit of hindsight, piecing information together and reflecting on a brief chance meeting (pre A)with OW, I believe she had been "grooming" him well before any EA/PA commenced. Amazing for someone who was "supposedly" in an "emotionally abusive" relationship, she was confident enough to pursue a man married for 20yrs with 3 children. Amazing still her sister and some of her friends are still friends with this "abusive" ex. OW tactic at its finest.

PEGI set her sights on a financial target, she won a battle I did not even know existed let alone had lost. We were vulnerable and nieve of the MB principles, we loved and trusted unconditionally. Isildur was weak and unable to maintain an appropriate boundary. The sacrifice (marriage & family) is too high a price to pay for an "equity harvester" with a history of short term relationships. At some point in the future he is going to have to face the sacrifices he has made and what he has lost.

I also suspect PEGI may try to hold onto Isildur, given he is her "best catch to date" but how long she can keep "up appearances' I don't know. I think the cracks in her veneer may start to appear, she certainly is unable to put anyone including my children before her own selfish needs... she does not like to be inconvenienced in any way and is controlling.

I really struggle that I cannot prevent PEGI having contact with my children. I loathe that they are exposed to a woman of no integrity, morals, empathy or boundaries. I struggle that she has an influence on their life but does not care or value them, yet is content to play happy families when it suits her or normalises their A.

I still love and miss the pre A husband, marriage and happy family life we once had. It's hard to reconcile how hardened Isildur has become, he is unrecognisable from the loving, caring husband and father he used to be. I resent that my children have lost the father they knew and the happy, stable, secure home life they deserve.

I remain firm that at this point in time I will continue standing for my marriage and family. I believe their A will die a natural death, given the statistics and reasons A fail, her relationship history, her narcisisstic personality and predatory behaviour.

I am uncertain when the A ends if Isildur will be too stubborn and proud to face his actions, the pain and devatation he has caused and whether he would be prepared to work to rebuild our marriage and family. The husband I knew would, the wayward he has become is another story.

Thank you to anyone reading. MB allows me to have a voice and know that others understand. Sorry it is a long post but it has been healing. Hopefully expressing my feelings will help others.

"Marathon not sprint"

Oh happy.

I wish I knew what to say. I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you we are here for you.

Thanks BH, that means more than you know. I really value and appreciate the MB family. I know I can honestly express my feelings and everyone "gets it" - posting helps me climb back up the hill.

I know exactly what you mean. There's a family here that you can't explain until you're here. We all wish we weren't here but this is the best place to fall when you're going through it.

Happy, sometimes we all just want to blink and be over our grief, frustration and sadness of betrayal.

I know I got frustrated with myself many times (and occasionally still do). But grief from adultery and abandonment is different to the grief I have experienced from the death of a loved one.

It takes time. Just be confident you are putting one foot in front of the other in Plan B. Know you have done the best thing for yourself and your family.

BTW, instead of feeling frustrated with being unable to educate a wayward, flip it. Be proud you can see the A for what it is, that you have overcome gaslighting, that you have educated yourself on what it takes to affair-proof a marriage. Think of how you have changed and grown. As a person, a wife, a mother and I bet, also a friend. Know that you are going from strength to strength, even though you may not always feel like it.

Leave the waywards to their cesspit and keep growing. Its Isildur's loss if he can't see the rainbow because the manure is obscuring the view.

Oh, and I have tried contacting the mods a second time for my email addy to be passed on. No luck as yet. Not sure if I am doing it right. I have clicked on notify and asked them... anyone else know how to do it?

Jen, thats what I hate about adultery, no longer having a say in what our childern are exposed to. You teach them values and try to give them positive experiences to prepare them for life. Its such a painful negative way to gain wisdom and life skills.

Cara, Although I realise it takes time, I just have moments when it feels like the pain and loss will never end. Since DDay my life has centred around the A, so much energy has been focused on mine and my children's survival. I want so much more for myself and my children. I've always been happy, content with my life, I just want to feel this again.

I try to focus on the positives, I know I have grown personally from this experience, sometimes during the times of sadness it's easy to loose sight of this.

I've always been sentimental, the last couple of weeks have been tough with all the family birthdays and the AP's visit to our home town.

On a positive note I've started applying MB to life, I know the knowledge I've gained will help me maintain appropriate boundaries. I attended a committee meeting tonight and gave a male member a lift home. No one on the committee is aware of the A or separation. They knew I had a hectic time a couple of weeks ago but that was it. This member enquired how things were and if everything had quietened. I replied things were improving. I was very mindful of not discussing my marriage or family with a male.