The fact that he immediately blamed YOU is a problem. Wow.

I wonder what Dr. Harley would say on the radio? When's the last time you received his advice on this?

Nope.

Anointed was right to recognize that (especially at this point) bringing up complaints during UA time isn't always a great idea.

UA time is supposed to be pleasant, and be spent meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs.

During UA, it is much more effective to go for positive reinforcement of what you do want rather than talking about anything negative. Like if he were to pick up your hand while walking, you'd smile big or flirty or just say how much you like it; skip the part about how he hasn't done that in years.

If you're not feeling connected, make a move toward connection. Pick up his hand. Squeeze his bum. Just move closer. Tell him a story about yourself he's never heard before.

(psst...a guy who is getting some is much easier to deal with, and to quote an old saying tongue-in-cheek: a man is like a linoleum floor. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over 'em)

A buyer is defined by their behaviors. So the way to change is to adopt buyers habits. As such:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Thanks HHH. I'm trying not to be so self-absorbed with my unhappiness that I can't allow DH to have a good time during UA. I'm used to talking about stuff that bothers me whenever it bothers me rather than considering my DH. (Is it a good time for him? Have I been meeting his needs as well?)

I have been pretty self-centered. I will ask him more about things that interest him.

Unfortunately he really likes talking politics, but he often lets DJ's fly when discussing these things. I don't enjoy it.

The only thing you can control is yourself.

Clean up your side of the street.

So what is your plan to do this?

I commend you for noticing this. So what is your plan?

(psst...a guy who is getting some is much easier to deal with, and to quote an old saying tongue-in-cheek: a man is like a linoleum floor. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over 'em)

Anointed, one problem I keep seeing is this: You and your husband are still at war. You cautiously circle each other, waiting for either the other to attack, or for an opening to attack.

You are not each others enemy. You are fighting on the same side, for the same cause: Your marriage.

Put down your weapons!

Which are you?
If you are a Buyer, why are you still fighting?

Here's another good thread on the subject that Prisca told you about.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I can't listen to any radio clips BH because I'm not a member.

Here's another idea; why don't you allow yourself to have a good time during UA time?


The reason that UA time is the foundation of the MB program, is that hitting that mark (15 to maintain, 20+ to fall in love) allows you both to make massive LB$ deposits by meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs.

As far as discussing politics - it would probably be an exercise in the enemies of good conversation.


While things like watching TV and movies doesn't really count as UA time, they can be EXCELLENT activities.


Here's why; finding a mutually enjoyable program or movie creates a topic for pleasant conversation. On top of that, small things like discussing movies and music (your likes and dislikes) is intimate conversation.

The positive emotions you feel talking about those things are attributed to your spouse - in other words, a deposit is made.


Small steps!

You don't have to be a member to listen to the ones I've posted, only if you want to pull them up in the archive.

Do you have updated flash on your computer?
Do you have firefox on your computer?

When you click on the links that I've provided, what happens?