Lexxxy,

I know you know this but some of these things are MUCH easier said than done, especially when it's becoming more and more difficult to interact with her. She has begun to be (apparently) less interested in being around me and when she is, she seems to NOT want to be there. These things are making me begin to NOT want to be around her.

Sometimes I feel like I'M the one on trial! I feel like I'M the one getting bashed and beaten when I don't do exactly as I'm told. I understand that I'm not doing everything that needs to be done but to be beaten down when I come here for support on top of having to deal with what's coming my way from her, I'm getting more and more disinterested in doing either.

I'm starting to get a little worried because I feel like I'm starting to lose interest and motivation in trying to win her back. I don't know what that means or what exactly is causing it. I don't know if it's the constant and tiring amount of rejection from her, the anger and hurt that have been building up or what, but it kind of bothers me that I'm starting to feel like this.

I feel like I'm starting to give up. Is there any way to deal with that and is it normal?

It means your lovebank is starting to head towards the red. It is very normal. It is your job to protect your lovebank.

Only you know how much you can take and that's why Dr. Harley puts a time limit on Plan A, but everyone is different.

Did you write that letter to Dr. Harley?

How am I supposed to NOT discuss anything divorce when bills have to be paid and things like that? She basically stopped dealing with anything that didn't have her name on it when she left. I've been having to email her bill amounts and "discuss" the ones that she is responsible for helping me pay.

So, in certain regards I HAVE to talk divorce type things. Not that I WANT to at all, but if I don't then I can't pay the bills by myself.

As you can see, there is no way way I can NOT talk divorce completely. It doesn't matter how "good" things are between her and I for a day or so with Plan A, I have to email her periodically to talk finances and who needs to pay what.

That's why it's kind of difficult to always think Plan A or whatever because one day I'm wooing and the next I'm having to talk division of finances with her.

Another note about "talking divorce"...

She doesn't really talk divorce nor has she been "pushing the issue" in regards to getting it completed. I don't know why she hasn't been pushing the process since she's the one who filed first.

It's very weird that she hasn't been rushing it through. All she did was file her paperwork. She hasn't done anything else "legal" since that. She has threatened a few times to drag lawyers into things that she hasn't gotten what she wanted when she wanted, but nothing else.

Does this strike anyone else as odd that she served me with papers and then just apparently stopped with it?

Did you write that email to Dr. Harley?

BrainHurts,

Working on it. Been very busy the past few days.

No. She did as much as was required to be able to say "we're in the middle of a divorce" or to pacify the OM.

Waywards are notoriously slow, lazy, and procrastinators.

That's insane!!!

If I wanted a divorce from someone, I would be pushing the process as fast as I could so I could be done with it!!!

Since she's dragging her feet with the divorce proceedings does that mean she (waywards) don't really WANT the divorce?

Or are they just trying to have their cake and eat it too until something makes them choose?

Lexxxy said it .....

WW wants you as a back up plan.

Bingo.

LFH -- you meet some of her EN's. (domestic, family, etc.)
OM hits the others (conversation, admiration, etc.)

She's OK with both, until she gets pushed by one of you.
Maybe OM wasn't cool with dating a married woman -- so BINGO, she files for divorce and moves out. She keeps you dangling as the back-up plan.

If you want to save your marriage and family - its up to you to fill in where the OM took over.

And apparently concerned only with themselves and what they want or at least mine is that way right now.

I have never seen her be so self-centered and self-serving as she is right now.

I'm trying to fill in where I can.

I asked her this weekend if she wanted to go get ice cream with me and the kids but never got a response. I was ok though because I asked with NO expectations. Me and the kids went and had a great time.

I'll bet my last dollar that she was out on the boat with her sister when I texted and wasn't concerned about anything else.

waywards are INCREDIBLY selfish! you got that right!

And that is why I tell you not to take anything she says or does PERSONALLY. Because she is not out to hurt you -- its just a by-product of her selfishness. She does not filter ANY decision she makes with your reaction to it -- she does not care.

She is an addict. She is incapable of caring about whether her plans hurt you. She MUST chase the high of the affair.

The ice-cream plan was PERFECT -- and especially perfect because you followed through and enjoyed it in spite of her absence. That is what you need to continue doing. Invite her / Go anyways / Have a great time!

Or are they just trying to have their cake and eat it too until something makes them choose?

She's living "the (wayward) dream" right now. Two men giving her admiration, etc, etc, and nothing required in return.

BTW: You know you're enabling it, right?

Which one of the many ways are you referring to NG?

Not that this means anything at all in any way, but I have pretty good reason to believe that the affair after exposure has only been emotional.

Again, I know that doesn't make any difference to anyone or anything except for maybe in my mind. To me, it will be much less difficult to deal with the fact that she's only emotionally attached to him rather than physically right now.

That may sound dumb but I've been having a very difficult time with the thought that I'm basically waiting out the time while my wife is off sleeping with someone else and that I'm working to win her back when she's "finished" having her good time.

If you write the email to Dr. Harley he will answer a lot of your questions. If you can be a caller then you get to talk to him.

BrainHurts,

I've been working on the letter for Dr. Harley, but have been quite busy and preoccupied the past few days.

I don't know where or how this might fit into any kind of plan, but she's causing me to "go legal" with some things. She seems to think that it's ok for her to pick and choose what she is responsible for. She's choosing to not pay her portion of some of our finances so I'm going to have to involve the lawyers. She's the one who wanted to "work this out between us" yet she's only doing what she wants to do.

I'm not playing that any longer. I don't know if this fits with any part of what the Plans or MB needs me to do but I have to do it. This is not right for her to do and I'm tired of babying her when it comes to things that she should know that she's responsible for.

These are the kinds of things that are running my Love Bank WAY into the red. Some days I wonder if it's going to get too low to recover?

Good morning Forum,

There are a couple reasons why I have not written a letter to Dr. Harley.

1. I've honestly been very busy with work, kids and dealing with trying to keep my bills in order to keep from going bankrupt due to the WW not behaving like an adult and upholding her responsibilities.

2. I feel like I would be wasting his time at this point. Within the past couple of weeks I have begun to feel like I'm not sure whether I want my WW back or not. This has been somewhat bothersome to me. The part of me that will always love who she was feels very guilty for feeling that way. But, the part of me that's absolutely fed up with the crap that continuously comes from her along with all the hurt and disappointment that has accumulated has just gotten to the point where I don't know if I even want to try to win her back anymore.

According to some of you, these are "normal" things to be feeling. How in the world do I continue to make myself want to try to repair/rebuild/reconcile this when I feel like I don't have much left in regards to the desire to do so?