Jen, you've taken some great steps and you are sounding stronger and more confident.

You are doing the right thing focusing on what you provide for your son DS and he knows that you are the constant in his life.

So happy for you JV, you're doing great!

((((((JV)))))))

WH is such a train wreck. So all last week he had car trouble, as in, every day. He therefore could not work or pick up his son. Didn't see him from Sunday to Saturday. Didn't even call to talk to him, either. This week, car "died" and he spent the night on the boat he's working on, without any utilities or anything. I guess he made it back to the house but whatever he's doing now...who knows. He's certainly not moving out, not contributing to the house expenses. Didn't manage to pay the daycare this week.

He's really just...not functioning. One thing is good, he's asking his parents for money left and right. Maybe that will show them what I've been providing for him the last five years and let them share some of the burden. But I still have him in my way, some, about the house situation. I need to come up with a definite plan on that that does not require his cooperation or competency, since I obviously won't get either.

Anyways...other than that things are going well! I've had a bit of fallout at work from a coworker who's jealous of my promotion/raise and trying to turn everyone else against me, but her supervisor is handling it well, and in some ways it's been good in that now, everyone sees her childish ways. I just realized tonight she unfriended me on facebook, too, boo hiss boo. The job I have for this organization, even with the raise, is still $5000 less annually than the job I left to come here, so it's only getting me a little closer to even, but I guess that doesn't matter to some people. It's funny, though, because if she got a promotion/raise, even if she got a higher salary than I did, I'd be cheering her on. Maybe that's because I'm the socialist and she's the capitalist

so glad, jenn, that things are going well. look forward to hearing about your house plan!

You're documenting all this, correct?
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

JV - I'm sorry your WH is falling apart. I guess that means you were the one holding everything together for him?

You can use that strength to care for your family and heal. Now your WH has a chance to figure it out and fix himself, since he doesn't have a 'crutch.'

I'm proud of you. I'm sure it's really hard, but you're doing it!

Good job.

When are you going into Plan B?

Sigh.

BH, your post was the last because its the obvious question. The answer is tomorrow. I'm done. I've done all I can. This man...he's a mess, and I need to take care of myself and my kids.

I haven't posted in a while because I was enabling him in ways that seemed like they would help me out. But it won't help to help him, only he can do that, and he chooses not to. After him "not working" for 1.5 weeks because his car was broken, our son got sick and I asked if he would be home the next day, or if I needed to take the day off. I had the beginnings of a sinus headache, so between the time when he said, "I don't know, I'll get back to you." (His answer to EVERY SINGLE QUESTION I ASK HIM!!!!) and when I called him back an hour later for an answer, I'd decided for myself I was staying home. He said good, because he was going out looking for a car the next day and decided the answer was no. I asked how he was going to do that, and he said he didn't know. I offered to let him use my car. Of course, at first, he said, "I don't know, I'll get back to you." In the morning, he asked to take me up on it. Then the time I offered to go pick him up was too early, so I offered a later time. He agreed. I made the most of my day, enjoyed the time with my son and rested. He did not find a car that day. A couple of days later, he asked if I could take him to the bus station as he was taking a greyhound to his parents where they were going to help him get a car. I said sure, and was there promptly. Enabling? Yes. But I figured he wasn't moving out, wasn't fixing the house, wasn't paying any bills. The best thing I could do was help remove his excuses for not doing anything.

In any case, he did eventually, after a few days, make arrangements to lease a car. With what credit or money, I've no idea. He has still not moved out. He didn't pay me back for the daycare I had to pay for while he was out of town, and he didn't pay me the full amount for this week, either. He paid the bills that impact him, but not the others. And not the full amount, either, just enough to keep the utilities from getting shut off.

He didn't have his son for father's day. He won't take our dog for a few days while I'll be out of town for a business trip. He's in general, just a real mess of a person. But oh, I'm the crazy one, the whole world knows that.

The bank is turning me down for a loan extension. I'm going to offer them a deed in lieu and try to keep negotiating, but honestly, I just don't think I have it in my to go fix that place up. I went back today after not having been there in a couple of weeks and it's sooooo depressing. All the peaches that were on the trees I carefully picked, planted, and tended, have fallen off out of neglect. The yard is waste high in weeds. The fridge in the back house is full of maggots and flies. The front house is a shell full of debris. It is absolutely disgusting and overwhelming. And my wedding ring is sunk in the water out front, sadly, a fitting place for it.

I'm done. I'm contacting the intermediary, getting the plan B letter completed and will drop it off with him tomorrow. Screw this.

And I'm debating just pushing ahead on the divorce. What good does it do me to wait? He's about as low as he can get right now anyway. The only way he is getting by is continuing to leech off of me, and if I push the divorce, I can get an emergency hearing and get him ordered out of the house and ordered to pay a set amount for support.

Yes, I'm documenting everything. I was smart about father's day, originally it was me asking if I could drop our son off with my family that day, so I offered up a few proposals for how we could make sure he still had special time with our son. When his original "I don't know, I'll get back to you." never resulted in a call back, I put my offers in writing. A few days later, still with no response, I resent it and asked again for a response or alternate suggestion from him. None came, so we went with my proposal. But it's clear I was making every effort to communicate with him and take him into account and he was choosing not to make it work. Oh, and what was he up to this weekend? Hmmm, he went back to the area the EA girl lives in. Gee, what are the chances they hooked up? Sigh. Some people just are unbelievable.

what's all this 'he still hasnt moved out business'?

KICK HIM OUT.

Get a storage facilty, or use his parents place, dump his stuff there, and change the locks.

You can sort out the legalities afterwards,

I agree you should probably file for divorce for financial protection.

Thanks indie,

I really wish I could just kick him out. But in Florida, the laws are stacked very heavily in favor of a person having a place to lay their head. Literally, if you invite someone to sleep on your couch, and they refuse to leave, you have to go through a formal eviction, with filing fees and a court order, or THEY can sue YOU. Same goes for my STBXH, only he's also on the deed. And I'm an attorney, I know this, he knows this, and as much as a judge might also think the law is ridiculous, it is the law here, and I'd just get myself in trouble. But I can call my divorce attorney and get him to set a hearing.

It's funny, my H used to rail on the deadbeats who would do that sort of thing. There was one man in Clearwater who was driven to suicide because he couldn't get a person to leave his home, who then invited her boyfriend and mom to live there, and he didn't have the money to evict all of them. Of course, my H also used to sob at the thought that he would fail to provide for his child...yeah...that didn't last. He's just a shell of what he used to hold up as beliefs, full of excuses as to why he can't get his life together, all talk and no action.

Honestly, I don't think I have it in me to even care about that house any more. It's such a bad memory. It felt like a PTSD experience going there yesterday and walking around, just full of triggers of the end of this marriage, the suffering my family has been through.

That's strange because Starfish is in Florida and her H keeps sending her nasty lawyer letters but he isnt getting anywhere.

Iw ould say its because he has no interest in suing, he wants her to let him in WILLINGLY. Thats what most waywards want. And there isnt a law on earth that can force a BW to see a WH if she doesnt want to.

Wouldn't the Plan B letter undermine any accusation of 'eviction'? The Plan B letter leaves the path home clear. It is simply a BW asking for some temporary privacy until the A is over or other conditions fulfilled. It makes it clear the BH is welcome home when he backs up his words with actions.

You're clearly legally informed, so if there is no loophole or way around it; simply get out of there.

In some ways this creates a better Plan B, because it's a new start with no triggers.

I'm concerned about your timescales. Plan A is damaging when not implemented soon enough.

Can you stay with a good friend or relative while looking for somewhere elese?

Welcome back JV.

I was worried that your disappearance meant you weren't in a dark Plan B. Did you get into your doctor for some ADs?

Oh, I've been on AD's since December! I got a horrible sinus headache, then had two weekends of extensive travel, then an allergic reaction to the antibiotic...so I've been rather drained, although I've been lurking and reading and listening to the radio show daily. I've been here, just not posting

Indie, I already moved out. It felt great, I now have a nice little house for my kids, in a neighborhood, they each have their OWN room and I have a beautiful space for myself, it's closer to everything, and affordable rent, and the landlord is both a church member and my kids chess club coach All reasons why the house is just a dead zone now, a legal burden of mine, a financial nightmare...but I haven't lived there in a month and a half, and it feels WONDERFUL to have my freedom!!!!!!

Honestly, what brought me to moving out myself rather than getting him kicked out with a court hearing and court order, was a lot of reflection about whether living there was good for me and the kids. I decided that it wasn't. It's too remote, it's draining and isolating for us all. So the only reason I want him out now is so I can do something with the damn place, and so he isn't living rent free (cause that just irks me). But, I have to pick my battles...an emergency hearing establishing a temporary support order would probably be better. I should have set one right after our failed mediation, when he was still working steadily with a good salary. But I'd love to see him stammer under oath with all his excuses why car trouble caused him to miss three weeks of work. It just doesn't pass anyone's smell test as reasonable. The truth is, he's severely depressed and not getting treatment for it, an alcoholic who is not living a sober life. (Not drinking, but not sober either, a dry drunk). Just as I unfortunately taught him a lot about the law, he taught me a lot about his conditions (alcoholism, ADD, and depression). But he uses them as excuses rather than things to triumph over. Anyone but him and maybe his family can see what dire straights he's in. Maybe the next step is just to show up at the house with a realtor to list it as a short sale? I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank today, see if there's any chance they'd do a deed in lieu of foreclosure.

I did it! Had an awesome lunch with my IM, she's going to be great, and we had a good time catching up. We have a lot in common and need to get to know one another more and spend more time together...community building!

Then, I edited and edited my plan B letter, lovingly wrote it out by hand, prepared my addendum, and my doggie accompanied me to drop it off. H said, "what's this?" when he opened the door, I said, "You can read it." and left. He didn't say hi to the dog, but I guess I'm not surprised, as I asked him if he would be willing to watch her while I'm out of town for a few days and he said no because he plans to sleep in his car where he works for a few days since his boss didn't pay him last week and he doesn't have gas money. Who does that sort of thing? I don't understand. It's as if we come from different worlds. Anyway...not my problem. So, I need to do something for me now...maybe I'll run out and get a treat!

I'm ready to take life by the horns, be responsible for my own fate, and be free!!! I feel better already!

Updated my siggy. Also, I guess my ex's affairage is resulting in a divorce filing this week. Interesting timing on it all!

Yes it is.
wow you finally made it to the protection of the Plan B blanket.

Good job, my friend.

Now you need to Plan for some Plan B treats.

On a side note. Whatever happened with that guy who was stalking you?

hi JV. so glad to hear things are going well for you! enjoy the peace of plan b, and take good care of yourself.

He stopped coming to the house when I got a trespass warning against him. He stopped calling when he harassed another women at church and they finally saw him in action and got extremely stern, saying if he did it again they'd ban him from church. But because of traveling I haven't been back to church in a couple of weeks myself (and it's one of those stressful things because H was going, but he hasn't been the last few weeks either).

Thanks MelodyLane, BrainHurts, Letty!!

And wow, I do feel better. I feel so glad to be letting go of him and his problems, of not trying to solve his issues, of not even worrying about solutions. That week or so when I got re-engaged in thinking of ways that I could help him get his car situation fixed...that just sucked me dry again.

And my IM is going to be awesome, she's already checked on me to make sure all is good.

Plan B treats: I'm heading to Orlando for a business trip for two days and get to stay in a nice hotel with my kids, mom, and sister, how's that sound??? It should be fun! And I'm taking the week of the 4th off, so will spend a lot of good time with the kids. I've stopped biting my finger nails (giving up a 30 year old habit!), and want to lose some weight. I'm going to concentrate on getting finished unpacking and settling into this house, my little haven. So all that should be good.

And it felt good yesterday telling the daycare that I'm going to take over making the payments because of how often H is late and how much effort I've had to put into tracking him down. HE wanted to pay it to show what a good daddy he is, now he'll have to do the work to do that again. I've worked hard to get to where I can support my family on my own, and plan to do so if necessary. If he wants to prove to the world he can provide for his son, so be it, but it's not going to be my problem if he doesn't. It will just look bad for him. I'm feeling much better about the whole custody thing. Yeah, it's going to suck to have the house foreclosed on and have my credit destroyed (heck, I might even do a bankruptcy and get rid of my credit card debt as well) but it happens. At least I have steady income going forward.

My future and my kids' future is bright. All these men...they just need to get their heads out of their behinds. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!