very wise words, sunny, thanks! food for thought for today, and since it's a post, i can return to it again and again. thank you.

Thanks, Letty. I wondered what I did wrong. I'll see if i can fix it:)

It helps to hear about your recovery. It makes me sad, because we were in recovery for about 3 months - I wish we'd had MB. I remember finally feeling "safe" enough to start letting some of the anger and pain come out that I'd repressed for so long. But I didn't know how to do it in the right way. But you are doing great, and it's good to hear a story of success and hope.

I know you aren't "there" yet, you have a ways to go, but it's still uplifting to hear from you, even though you are human and have ups and downs. Sounds like you handled things so well yesterday! Sorry I didn't check in last night.

Keep up the great work. It makes me happy to hear of your hubby's efforts to love you. You so deserve that! And it's getting better, bit by bit, as I've read through your thread.

it's not just WSs who want things to be "done." us BSs also wish we could just wave our magic wands and be finished! but it IS a process, just like everything else. falling in love takes time, rebuilding takes time, recovery takes time.

i, too, have a 2 year timeframe. 2 years is what i'm willing to give myself and our M for recovery. i'm hopeful that MB will recover our marriage and that i can also have a "fully recovered!" notation in my sig line! that's the "finished" i referred to, though of course after that MB will be a forever part of our M. there are up days, and down days. today i came home and said "i need extended UA time this afternoon." as soon as H is out of the shower, i'll be off! UA is wonderful. it really does make a huge difference. i hope it'll make us a recovery success story, like sunnyd :O)

Yeah, I guess we all want to be "done" with this horrific part of our lives, no matter where we are or what that entails. It's just a crappy place to be.

I hope that for you too:)

Unfortunately it is all part of the process, at times I wish for a fast forward button. We all have to remember the mantra marathon not sprint. Glad to hear your feeling better.

H and I haven't hit the 2 year mark yet, but I do feel we are well on our way! I know it isn't some magical # but I've heard time and time again that it takes at least that to feel comfortable in your new marriage. When people don't follow the program properly, it takes even longer!

It's important to have people who remind you to not let up or let things slide...which is what is great about this place! That way, when the 2 year mark comes around, you're more likely to be happy when that time comes around. I am confident, Letty, that you will get there!

I know we will always have the scars from what happened, but there will come a time when the wound is healed.

so, just journaling today, i think.

it is absolutely freezing today. 50 degrees inside the house. below freezing outside. wearing three layers of merino, including thermals (longjohns) and my uggs! brrrrr. closed all the drapes and have the fire going for when H gets home.

met with MC yesterday. i thought our appt was on tuesday, and so hadn't brought any anti-ax w/me to work. was very anxious, but the session went so well. even though she's not MB, she is just like MB, if that makes sense. was really good session (on conversation), but the best part, besides both of us being happy when we left, was that when i met H there, he took my hand as we walked across the street and into the building. a few years ago, he never would have taken my hand if i didn't take his first.

heard "50 ways to leave your lover" by paul simon over the weekend. although i can toe-tap to the chorus, i have never liked that song. i was 9 yo when it came out, and even then i thought, "what, if you're unhappy you don't talk to your lover about it, you just bail out? really? how adult...NOT." plus, i was fearful of my parents divorcing (which they did 2 years later), and that song is a trigger of that time. even all these years later! i can taste and smell those days. funny, isn't it?

ok, it's pizza and GoT night, so i'm off for some pepperoni with extra sauce!

sunny, i am sooo looking forward to that day! healing is what i came here for. i'm so glad it's actually happening!

After reading this post it made me just want to reach out and give you a big hug, Letty - and I'm not really a big hugger! You know, some people hug everyone all the time. I only hug people I really like.

First, I am so happy that you and your H have come so far in recovery. You WILL heal because you are determined to stay on course and your H is doing his job by following the concepts. All that posturing from months ago about how he wasn't going to do this and was going to that is GONE! Thank God.

Second, I wanted to hug you because of the song trigger; I know how that is. I've never liked that song either!

Third, you have been writing some amazing posts and helping lots of folks out lately. That shows just how far you've come!


As for the weather...I have to say: I would trade places with you in a heartbeat right now! I'm one of those crazy people that HATES summer! I am supposed to be a southern girl, but I just cannot stand the heat and humidity, even though I grew up with it! Maybe it's because I was born in Colorado - so by birth - I love the cooler weather better. LOL I would rather warm up by the fire than sit here in this sweltering 94 degree heat any day. Although... 50 degrees INSIDE the house is pretty severe, I must say! Hmmm... maybe I should rethink this. lol

Anyway, I'm glad that you and H found a MB type counselor! It always helps to have someone holding you accountable that works with the program.

thanks sunny - i appreciate your hug!

i know - the man who said MB was "bullchit" is now having no problem following the concepts! such a radical change! he even talks in terms of LB$ and LBs and ENs! selling it to them CAN be done!

remember, NZ houses don't have central heating, ugh. i'm from southern california myself, having lived in both the high and low deserts, and 20 years in the san fernando valley (100+, but no humidity). winter is nice when you can *visit* it. not so great when you have to live there. 1 winter in MA was all i needed to go back to CA!

dressed better today (my classroom has very little heat as well) with merino tights, men's woolen socks, boots, and four layers up top as well. exam week, so i'd better get off my bum and go!

thanks for the comment re my posts. i want to pay it forward.

so...i think i might be at the point of moving my thread over to recovery. a few weeks ago i was still hedging my bets, but things are going so well, i finally feel it's appropriate (but i'm still afraid of jinxing myself! how silly is that?).

things here are really good. you CAN restore romantic love in a marriage. and having a spouse meet ENs and protect you in word, thought, and deed is how you get there. i wouldn't have thought 2 months ago that i would feel this way now.

H has even settled on an activity he'd like both of us to do: kayaking! i'm very excited about this. (did i mention for my 50th birthday i want to go diving with great whites? here i like to do physical things (horseback ride, walk, kayak, scuba dive), he like what i consider "sedentary" activities (drag race, boating, those kinds of things where you are sitting down). and...after nearly 11 very long years, he's finally fixing my car! i'll be able to drive it to powercruise in november. with him in his new camero, and me in my corvette, we should have a lovely weekend! i do enjoy driving, and miss speeding to work in my little car (back when i had a long commute, opposite traffic, thank goodness). the women in my family are known for having lead feet, and my own mother always had a nifty little two-seater.

our house is also transforming. we have really tackled the grounds, and this past weekend, when he said he was going to start on my car, i said we should forget cleaning the vines out of the back of the house and tidy up his garage instead, so we did :O) the dump is making a killing off us. plus, when he is working on it, i plan to piddle around in the garage, putting all his stuff in order. i'm kind of a neat freak. he is NOT. i like to be able to find stuff when i go in the garage, and it irritates the crap out of me when i walk in there and he's just put stuff any old place. it was a real mess!

we're also getting a guy to re-wallpaper our daughter's room, and then i'm going to paint over it during my school holiday break (in a week and a half, not that i'm counting!). NB: NZ house walls are made of a very thin wood-type thing. reminds me of particle board (and we wonder why we're freezing). our DD ruined the wallpaper in her room after putting up posters with clear packing tape (!!!) and then removing them. so we're putting up a plain, thick paper to cover the indentations from the rips, and then i'll paint the "sewing/snoring room" a pretty colour. we looked at paint and wallpaper last weekend.

so, i'm feeling pretty loved up, tender towards my H, and i believe he is feeling the same way, too, judging by his actions. now, if only *I* could stop eating my baking. back to the gym during the holidays before i turn into the stay-puft marshmallow man. i do so hate having to get up at 5.30 to exercise. bleech.

my friend.

I think you're definitely moving on up. Move on over to recovery. Good job to you and FWH(how does that feel to see that F?) for putting in the work.

Really glad to hear all is going so well for you and FWH.

Move on over to recovery. I hope you keep dropping by here if you are able, you have a lot to offer us in SAA too!

You know - I was going to suggest you make the move to Recovery in my last post, but didn't. Now, I'm certain you should.

I'm REALLY glad things are going well for you, Letty!!!

It sounds like recovery is going so well for you. I am ready for the day I can move my thread there too!

So glad everything is working out!!

thanks gals! one thing, though. i was thinking this morning of BHs reply, with the F (WH). am i ready to put that F there? is it mean of me not to? i think the F comes from a long term commitment. i need more time, i think, before i can commit to a F. but i will move over to recovery. will they let me change my thread name?

i will definitely stay around here, though. have many threads i'm following! i am always so sad when i get up in the morning and see new threads posted (today: 3). hurting people are everywhere. great they found MB though - the best help you'll ever get!

Yes you can ask the MODS to change your title. Sometimes, many have them changed multiple times. I think Scotty is on her third(?). Sometimes it keeps showing up the original.

Also when you want to give yourself the F for your FBW, is totally up to you. Give yourself as much time as you need.

Former means when you feel like you are truly a Former Betrayed Wife. Glad you're going to stay around, because your wisdom is needed here in the trauma ward.

came home today and "caught" my H working on my car! the one i haven't driven in 11 years!

moving over to recovery now.

so, i just read where a site surveyed a "bunch" of "therapists" and, "A whopping 57% of the therapists polled said that a partner who has strayed may not be best served by confessing to the infidelity if they wish to save the marriage."

yet more info that IMC is a massive waste of time and money! hmpfh. of course the person who has cheated is better served by not coming clean. but the BS and M sure aren't! what a load of hooey!

Welcome to the recovery forum Letty!

That title thing is funny. Since my WH's actions were awhile ago, and his mental state has changed, I don't like to call him WH. But I also don't have the tenderness for him yet to call him DH. And I don't have the confidence to call him FWH. So I just call him H. Lol.

My H kept his infidelity a secret for over a decade. He is just now looking back and realizing how much damage it did to his sense of self and character, not to mention how damaging it was to the intimacy and engagement he could have with me (not much). He vowed to 'take it to the grave,' and now shudders to think of what that really meant. Taking his last breath knowing he has been a liar and cheat all his life, with no opportunity to confess his sins. So I would have a few things to say to those therapists!

We had an MC up until about a month ago, since school got out and we have to rearrange things differently with kids to go, we haven't yet scheduled a new set of appts and now we are talking about going back to SH instead. I liked our MC but our last conversation was about me wanting a poly that H had never followed through with taking, and he kindof laughed at me, not out loud but just his mannerisms were very I felt condescending like it was WAY overboard to ask such a silly thing. Plus, I think he got sick of me spewing MB principles all over the place in our sessions, I think he felt like he wasn't running the show. So ya, I think we'll ditch him. He did more work on IC with H and his selfishness than on MC issues, but that was actually really beneficial so IDK, I won't say it was money wasted.

Anyway, welcome

Welcome, Letty! I hope to get a chance to read your thread today. I'm interested in knowing what kind of "just compensation" your WH has done and what his participation in YOUR healing has been.

~RQ