No it's not to late, especially if you're both on board with MB.

How much UA time are you getting a week?

I will tell you the truth it really is not very much. I would say maybe 7 or 8 hours a week. During the week my hubby works until 7 at night Mon - Thurs. I will have dinner ready for him on the table when he gets home. And we eat for a half an hour or so. Sometimes talking, and sometimes he wants to eat in front of the TV. We will talk sometimes after we eat for a little but after that it's homework for him followed by video games or a movie. Because I work earlier than he does, I go to bed ALOT earlier than he does.

On Fridays, my hubby is off while I work 8-5. I come home, fix dinner or sometimes we go out. But it usually ends up the same way the rest of the week ends up with him staying up late playing video games and watching movies. The weekends are pretty much a wash as well, with him working on homework and or doing his own thing during the day and then we eat dinner together and sometimes watch a movie together.

Sunday, we go to church together but it's pretty much how saturday is with him doing his own thing during the day while I clean or watch him play video games (not fun for me).

I know that I would LOVE to spend more time with him. But I really feel as if he would rather spend time on IB than with me. How can you and why would you force somebody to spend time together??

I am on board with MB and I have been able to get him to watch a half of a MB video (he had to stop to work on homework). So I think there is SOME hope for him to join in on MB with me.

He will want to spend time with you when he's in love with you again.

So what can you do start spending your time together? And doing things that meet the four top ENs? IC RC, SF and affection.

I have been doing those things since we have done the questionaires. We are starting to talk alot more (conversation was one of his top 5), but I also feel like I am the one who is always initiating the conversations.

The SF is a hard one for me right now as I need to have an emotional connection to him in order to get in the mood, I think over time this will change. I was the one who was having an issue with the frequency of SF (I wanted it more). We were able to have sex over the past week but he then said that he felt that he was not emotionally ready for that step yet either. So while I would like to work on it, I just think we need a bit of time to get our feelings together.

Admiration is not one of his top 5, in fact when we talked about it, it makes him uncomfortable when I compliment him, etc. I will always be his cheerleader but I know that I have to cheer for him in a different way. I also think that he may have some self esteem issues that need to be addressed so that we can move forward on this. It's almost like I need to admire him from afar and not be so up front with him.

Affection was also one of my top 5 and I LOVE to hold his hand, give/get random hugs and kisses and look into his eyes. I will continue to do these things in hopes that he can find his love for me again.

I would love to put together a puzzle, take a walk, dance in the house, work on a scrapbook together, play a game together etc. I have suggested nearly all of those things plus a few more but am met with either a no, I don't feel like it, or silence when doing those things together. I want to spend the time getting closer to one another emotionally by holding hands, talking, being honest and open and who knows, maybe it will lead to SF as well. I just want this to work so badly and don't want feel like my emotions are doing nothing but hitting a wall that he has built around him.

Have you snooped for signs of an affair?

I am confused by his need for affection, but his complaint that you smother him. Did he tell you how he'd like that need met, and how often?

Since the last time you did the questionnaires did not go so well, how would you and he feel about a re-do? You could even take it really, really slow...like read about one of the ENs together, have a brief conversation about each of your understandings of what you read (both here and in HNHN) (and no correcting each other's interpretation, this is a dicovery discussion, not a lecture), and then fill out that one page of the questionnaire. Put it aside until you've gone through all ten. Maybe do two or three of them a week. Reading and discussing would be part of UA time, too!

Once you've finished the whole set and ranked them, the proper way to share them is to sit down and take turns reading your responses to each other. Start with the #1 ranked need, and the person starting would say, "My top need is (affection). I have a great need for affection. I would like for you to be affectionate with me twice a day. I am very unhappy when you are not affectionate with me that often. I ranked my satisfaction as a -2. While you don't give me enough affection, I like the way you do it when you do. I would be better satisfied with affection if you would hug and kiss me every time one of us leaves the house or comes home. I also would like it if you would hold my hand in public. I really like it when you play with my hair. etc."

After the first person speaks, the other reads his/her top need.

The other person ONLY LISTENS and TAKES NOTES. Clarifying questions are allowed (Do you mean constantly holding hands in public, or would you be happy if it was only while walking somewhere, like from the car to a restaurant, or while browsing in a store?), but arguing the other person's need is forbidden, as well as a refusal to meet it in that way. Time will show that. Ideally, a negotiation should take place at a future time if a need is not or can not be met in a certain way. For instance, my H does have a high need for DS (it is no longer at the top, though, thank goodness) and we eventually negotiated to purchase a roomba to meet his need for daily vacuuming.

There should be nothing negative in the 'how your need could be better satisfied' section.

But I suggest you snoop, quietly, too. Phone records, computer history, gps.

I have not even considered an affair. I wouldn't feel right snooping around to see if he is having an affair. Plus he is WAY to technologically crafty for me to snoop on his computer let alone his phone. He knows how to track what was looked at and all that. He is in IT and builds computers for a hobby. I would have to be REALLY stealthy in order to snoop and really, if he found out I was snooping, that would just make matters worse.

I am also as confused as you are about the need for affection yet I smother him. he did say that he didn't like me coming onto him while he was talking so I do know that he doesn't like me to do that so I have stopped that. But he didn't really tell me how he liked affection to be met or how often.

Thanks so much for all of your advise. I will see how he would feel about retaking the EN questionaire and going slowly, as you suggested. And Listening, taking notes, being postive about reactions, etc.

hellobubbles,

CWMI is our resident expert on how to go through the questionnaires safely and beneficially. She took great notes on this when she and her husband worked with Steve Harley!

WOW!!! That's awesome CWMI!!! I really hope that this approach works and we can start the process of making our marriage a better one. Thank you all for your help I will keep you posted

How else would you expect people to find out if their spouse is having an affair? How are people supposed to protect themselves if this isn't right? How can trust be established if people cannot verify for themselves that someone is telling the truth?

Have you read any of the threads and articles around here on this subject?

Here please read this.
Snooping is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in a Marriage

Thanks for the article. I understand where you guys are coming from. Since I posted I have been able to carefully snoop and so far have turned up nothing. I am really hoping that I won't find anything and will continue trying to work on the marriage.

Still am finding no signs of an affair. So that is a plus. The bad thing is that now my husband is just being civil with me. No I love you's, no hugs, no kisses, no talking, no spending time together unless I initiate it. I tired to talk to him about our marriage the other night and was met with 'your not giving me time to think'. So I have been not really acting like nothing has happened but just acting like he is not acting the way he is. I still hug him, kiss, him, tell him I love you and talk to him because that is what I want to do, I want to love him.

I did tell him that I understand that he needs time to think about things. I am taking his feelings (whatever they are - he won't tell me) into consideration. But I am not sure what the best approach for this is. it's not like he is totally not responding to me because he is....it's just more in a civil manor rather than a loving manor.

What are his top EN?

It sounds like your husband doesn't do well discussing stressful emotional issues on the fly, in person. My wife is a lot like this.

Dr. Harley actually recommends discussing things in writing! Writing a letter or an email can be a great way to get your issues out on the table (assuming you refrain from demands, disrespect, and anger), and your spouse doesn't feel as pressured to respond immediately without having time to think.

I see from one of your earlier posts conversation is one of his top emotional needs. Are you having good enjoyable conversations together every day that are not about your marriage or stressful issues / conflicts ?

Here are some good ones on Intimate conversation. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on intimate conversation
Segment #2
Segment #3

Are you trying to talk marriage talk all the time

My first and maybe most useful thought when I read your posts is to recommend you be patient. Learning and living the principles that build a strong, happy, fulfilling marriage is not easy or natural. in fact, it is unnatural. Our native instincts and habits - the things we naturally do are often counterproductive and damaging to our marriage. Learning to see and act in different, better ways takes time and effort. It may take longer than you want. The important thing is not the rate of change but the direction - try to be grateful for little victories and milestones.

Secondly, it seems like your H finds something in your current approach to marriage building uncomfortable and unpleasant. People don't tend to do things that are unpleasant very long or very well. Do you know what this looks/feels like from his perspective? He should be thrilled at the prospect of having his needs met amazingly well by you, even if that means some changes on his part to meet your needs. So why is he not enthusiastically participating in marriage building?

Some possible reasons your husband is distant and resists your efforts at marriage building

1) Maybe he's in withdrawal - his love bank is so depleted he is not interested in having his needs met by you

2) Maybe your current approach to marriage building makes him feel criticized, judged or otherwise inadequate, which is unpleasant so he avoids it.

3) Maybe he doesn't see the benefit of change for him. in fact, he may see your idea of marriage building as a threat to his happiness, especially if he has to give up some of his independent behavior.

I remember when I was in graduate school full time while my wife worked. I admit, I was pretty reluctant to give up my independent behaviors. I felt entitled to play video games or play racquet ball with friends and I sort of resented any suggestion by my wife that I was doing anything wrong. I felt like I was a grown up and I worked hard. I should be able to spend my free time how I wanted. Another similarity - like your husband, I also felt like I could spend money on the things that mattered to me, without needing to ask my wife's permission. Your husband may have some of the same feelings about this new concept of true interdependence. Maybe this is why he is really not so enthusiastic about understanding and meeting your needs. He may feel he stands more to lose than to gain.

Like you, I'm confused about his request for 'time to think.' maybe this is his way of trying to say something else.

Markos, we do have conversations about non marriage or issues, I just do most of the talking b/c I do not get any reactions or questions about what I am talking about I then say what I need to say or try and ask him questions and I get one word answers. That's pretty much how our conversations go. I usually have to prompt conversations.

Now I am getting flack for how I handled a conversation I had with his mother over voting. I nor my husband are registered voters and I we stared have a discussion about voting. I said my opinion, and she pushed hers on me. She didn't even mention or acknowledge that her own son is not a registered voter nor did my hubby chime into the conversation. At one point I felt like I was being bullied into registering to vote and also felt like it was going to turn into an arguement so I ended the conversation with, You (my MIL) are entitled to your opinion about politics and I am entitled to mine, let's just agree to disagree. Well, now I am getting flack from my husband about abruptly stopping conversations.

I am really tired of feeling like no matter what he is going to 'side' with his Mom in any conversation/debate we are having. The fact that he is not a registered voter either and he was not brought up in the conversation really feels to me like she is making things worse in our marriage. She says she wants to bring us together but when I am feeling bullied by his Mom he does nothing about it.


BWS71 - what steps did your wife take in order to get you to understand that your IB was hurting your marriage and not helping it??

He has a link in his signature to "Our Story"--have you read it, bubbles?

oh I didn't see that. I will read it now Thanks CWMI!!!!