Do you have the workbook? Five Steps to Romantic love.

Also isn't your W working out and working on her appearance?

Zibbles,

Thanks for replying. Sorry it is taking me so long to get back to all of you helpful MB people.


Agreed. I have given it up (over a year of no porn or mast, but going to dating websites (see original post) really set things back for her). I�m getter better at plowing through my anxiety even when my wife is upset with me. Sex is always a positive thing for both of us after the fact, it�s just me getting past my anxiety and initiating (I almost never initiated for 20 years, so she�s pretty much done initiating � especially now that she�s not feeling safe.)


That�s where I struggle. Things are constantly hard. We might go 2 or 3 days where things look good. Then she goes back into �I�m not safe with this guy� mode. I am trying like a crazy man to ignore her sadness, frustration, bringing up the past, etc. However, when she gets like this, I just think I can�t handle this for the rest of my life. I am wanting to get to that romantic threshold that Dr. H talks about, but frankly, I haven�t been there for 20 years. Granted it�s my own fault. I caused this mess by not owning my screwed up behavior. But I�m having a tough time wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone who is always critical and I am constantly having to walk on egg shells. I know that she walked on egg shells for 20 years, but should marriage be two people constantly annoyed with each other�s screwy behavior?


Thanks. I�m doing this. I need to get better at this.


I am trying. But she is constantly bringing up what a crappy husband I�ve been. This just makes me feel more crappy.


Again, you are correct about the IB and dishonesty. The dishonesty part is killing her. She feels like she doesn�t even know who I am. And as I�m now trying to be radically honest, I�m appearing to her and myself as not a very good partner.


I am stopping. See my message to Holdherhand, point #2.


I�d like some feedback from you and others on your quote: �It�s worth it because the alternative is pretty sad.� I don�t want to get a divorce. I want to love my wife. I mean � I love her in a caring, friendship way � and as the mother of my children. And there have actually been several days out of the past few months that I have thought, �I like this!� But inevitability, my wife will get triggered, and we spend days digging back out. It�s like 1 step forward, 20 steps back!!!! She is now talking about having me move out (plan B� not A). If we can�t be together, our marriage will likely not survive. She wants me to just want her more than air; to treat her as a queen no matter if she is bringing up the past or not. I know that is probably the �right� thing to do. But why live in misery? I often feel like I can either be miserable with her or miserable without her and that later looks more inviting. I�d really miss the kids the � time that I wouldn�t get them, but it�s either that or have our children live with two miserable people.
I am showing up. I�m doing the work. I�m POJA-ing, I�m P.O.R.H�ing, I�m trying to meet her EN�s. We�re trying to do at least 15 hours of dating, etc., etc., etc�. But we go into the same stupid dance (she gets triggered, I get depressed, my depression causes me to not want to meet her EN�s, repeat) and she seems to be losing hope. I am making such an effort to short circuit that cycle by plowing through my depression and STILL trying to meet her EN�s, but she is still not feeling safe.

Brainhurts,

Yes, we have the workbook, but we haven't started doing the "work". See my 7/9 message to HDW.

Yes, my W is working out and working on her appearance. Losing weight for her seems to be extremely difficult. She'll eat like a bird and excercise and the scale doesn't budge. Frustrating for both of us. (Yes, I do give her positive feedback and encouragement).

What about emailing Dr. Harley since you can't afford the coaching or online program?

It's free and you get a free book.

Has she had her blood work done? Thyroid checked?

If you dig in your pockets deeply and get creative, you might find a way to pay for the Online Seminar and accountability. It's so much better than traditional counseling and it's better than muddling along on your own trying to fix something that's very broken. You get lots of help when you need it, access to Dr. Harley on the private forum, the MB videos from the weekend seminar, CDs to listen to.

You could find yourself a low interest credit card and charge the course or borrow the money from your family and pay $100 a month for 10 months to a year, depending on the terms. If you went for picnics instead of eating out, find other inexpensive dates, etc. Look for places in your budget that can be pared back; get really creative.

A passionate romantic marriage is what you both want. This is a way to get that.

My own #1 EN has always been PA. I was simply never attracted to plump men. My H gained 50 pounds over the next 20 years, then lost 30, only to gain back some of it. No matter what I tried to do in my own brain, I couldn't seem to find an attraction to my H while he was fat.

The amazing thing to both of us is that in using MB to change our marriage, he lost most of the excess weight and it has transformed the way I feel about him. After all our years together, I look at him now and it makes me feel great. I used to feel very frustrated that he was overweight and now I don't. He's also learned to be affectionate throughout the day. These two ENs he meets for me has made it possible for me to effortlessly meet his ENs of SF and RC as well as admiration. It all works like a well-oiled machine.

I strongly urge you to look in your budget and find a way to do the program.